A/N: Hi everybody! Thank you all very much for your reviews. They were very encouraging.

This chapter is a bit lighter… a bit… very little. But I figured it'd be good to take a break from all the heaviness… that's not to say that this isn't heavy, but I've started the next chapter… and well… believe me when I say this is a break. It gets better though! Eventually… This sadness is almost over I think. So just hang in there! I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

Iruka took a shaky breath. Raidou was rubbing comforting circles on his back, but the action was doint nothing to comfort him.

"We need a watch team." Iruka's voice was flat and lifeless, very unlike the chuunin.

Genma nodded. Iruka hadn't said it, but there was a problem. A watch team was not to be noticed, a group of close friends that kept a distant eye. They couldn't be too obvious or it might aggravate the situation. So, a few close friends would invite whoever was being watched out for drinks or to dinner. There was a silent understanding that all ninja went out about once a week with friends. Usually on Fridays or Saturdays when work was slow and the morning after hurt less. It wasn't a rule, but it was important. It prevented flags from being raised.

Kakashi didn't really have friends. He certainly didn't go out. He had also never been watched. Despite his profound instability, he never really seemed to need it. He was so harsh and unemotional as a child that even the Uchihas seemed melodramatic in comparison. Kakashi stoicism spoke of just how much he didn't care about anything enough for anyone to worry. He was the ideal ninja. As he got older, after Obito's death, he only became more human, more real. He had feelings, and hobbies, and flaws. He was healthy. He was coping. Or at least it seemed that way.

It was obvious now that he was not fine. He was not coping. He was not healthy, and this breakdown was very serious. Kakashi started killing at the age of six. He was good at what he did, and he was good at not dealing with it. But the dam was now broken and there was no going back. It was all coming out at once, and it would be violent and messy.

That was obviously not their only problem. There would be no subtly with Kakashi. There was no way to get close to him and ask vaguely personal questions, and be certain he was alright. This was going to be very bad, and there was no way around it.

"Any ideas?" Raidou voiced what was on everyone's mind, the alcohol making him bolder than the other two men. No one wanted to address the obvious impending disaster.

Iruka's body sagged. He was too exhausted to deal with all this, but Kakashi needed him right now.

Raidou shot Genma a worried glance. Genma nodded and leaned forward in contemplation. "I'll handle it." He said quietly.

Iruka looked at him, tired and confused. He was just too exhausted to figure this out, but he was too worried to trust anyone else with the details.

"I'll talk to him. Don't worry, I won't push, but someone has to do it, and it's going to be bad. There's no way around that. Let him be mad at me." He shrugged. "He'll get over it. Always does."

Iruka started at the blonde warily, but he couldn't think of anything better. "I'm going to see him tomorrow. Should I tell him you're coming?"

Genma frowned, unsure of how to answer. "Do what you think is best."

Iruka fought not to groan at the word 'think'. Kami he was tired. Raidou looked at the chuunin sadly. This was taking a lot out of him.

"Take him home." Raidou whispered.

Genma nodded and stood, helping Iruka to his feet. They left slowly and silently. Genma pretended not to notice the younger man crying.

Iruka had a hard time getting to sleep that night. He was too tired to sleep, and worried. And his eyes wouldn't stop leaking, though he was sure he was done crying.

---

Kakashi was startled awake by a knock at the door. He didn't remember falling asleep. He was leaning awkwardly against a wall near his closet, his father's sword in his lap. He didn't bother answering the door. He moved to put his ANBU uniform away, annoyed at the aches in his muscles from his awkward sleeping position.

He looked out the window, wondering how long he'd been asleep. The sun was just peeking over the horizon. It was early morning. Unreasonably early. Another knock came. He begrudgingly stood from his place on the floor and headed to answer the knocking. Iruka had said early, apparently he meant it. Kakashi wanted to smile at that, but couldn't seem to bring himself to do it.

He cracked the door open, squinting out into the light shining just over the horizon. Iruka was just a silhouette against the backdrop of the rising sun. Kakashi stepped away, leaving the door cracked. Iruka took it as an invation and slid inside, closing the door behind him. He looked up to see Kakashi lounging on the couch. The whole scene was much too casual. Iruka wanted to scream.

"Kakashi…" Iruka's voice sounded so defeated, and Kakashi couldn't help but feel desperate. Saratobi had used that tone with him. Iruka felt Kakashi was lost to him, and that stung more that the jounin would have guessed. "Are you alright?" There was a hesitation that told Kakashi that the chuunin wanted to say something more, but wouldn't.

Kakashi actually considered being honest, but couldn't bring himself to admit weakness. "Fine." His voice was cool and collected.

"I can't help you if you aren't honest." Iruka's voice took on an edge of irritation.

"And I don't recall needed help." Kakashi was angry. It was childish, he knew, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

That struck a nerve with Iruka. He was trying to fix what wasn't broken. "I can't help us if you don't tell me what's wrong." His voice was soft and sad.

Kakashi glared. He was clinging to his anger, but it was easier to deal with than the overwhelming sadness. He wanted this to be fixed. He wanted to be assured that their love wasn't a bad thing and that Iruka wouldn't be made dirty by it. He wanted to go back to being happy. He thought about making another sarcastic comment to cover up all that he was feeling, but settled on glaring instead, not really trusting his voice.

This was better. Iruka would realized how dirty this was, how bad Kakashi was for him, and he would leave. The chuunin would be sad for a little while, but he'd get over it and everything would go back to the way it was. Kakashi would shut himself off from the world entirely, and that would be it. Sure, Kakashi would probably never cope, but one day Iruka would find someone else, and it wouldn't be dirty. Iruka would be happy, and that would be worth it.

"Kakashi…" Iruka sighed, that hurtful suggestion of defeat in his voice. "Are you happy?"

No! Kakashi thought it so loud that he was sure the chuunin heard. He shrugged. "Does it matter?"

Iruka's face was torn between hurt and angry. "Are you happy with me?" The tremble in his voice told Kakashi that the hurt had won out.

"Was I?" The jounin's voice was calm and uncaring. Iruka didn't miss the not so subtle implication.

"Were you?" The chuunin visibly deflated.

Kakashi shrugged. He was silently screaming that he had been happy. More than happy, and that he wanted to go back to that, but he couldn't actually admit it aloud. "I'm a ninja." He said simply." Iruka didn't need to hear the rest. He was a ninja. Ninja are never happy. Never sad. Ninja don't feel anything.

"Did you love me?" Iruka's voice made it more than obvious that he knew what Kakashi's answer would be.

"Don't." Kakashi was stoic, but there was the barest hint of sadness in his voice.

"No. I deserve an answer, Kakashi." Iruka couldn't bring himself to care that he was crying.

"I'm a ninja." Kakashi whispered, but the deep sorrow in his voice belied his statement. He just wanted to be told that it was alright. That their love wouldn't ruin Iruka. He wanted so badly for that to be true.

Iruka left without another word. Kakashi sank to the floor shaking. Iruka was gone. He had lost the chuunin. It hurt so much, and Kakashi had no idea what to do about it. He considered picking up a kunai and tearing into his flesh to make the pain tangible. He knew how to deal with a flesh wound, but this was something he just did not understand.

---

Genma approached the apartment, suddenly feeling that perhaps this was a bad idea. He was young, full of life… sounding too much like Gai. He sighed. He had Raidou to take care of. The poor idiot probably wouldn't be able to find his own ass if Genma weren't around to show him where it liked to hide, so cleverly behind him. Kakashi was a friend, and Iruka was a sweetheart, but he really didn't want to die. He'd seen Kakashi angry, and it was more than just terrifying. He'd never seen Kakashi hurting like this, and Genma was seriously starting to think that the death threats might bemore than just threats if the silver-haired man was as bad as Iruka made him sound.

Genma took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Kakashi through the door open so fast, Genma had to wonder if the sound had even reached him before the door opened. Kakashi's eye stared out, looking almost desperate, but when he spotted Genma he simply scowled and silently waited for the blonde to speak his piece.

"Uh…" Genma scratched the back of his head nervously. "Can I come in?"

Kakashi scowled more.

"I need to talk to you."

Kakashi continued scowling and started to close the door.

Genma was anxious, he wanted to bolt, but just seeing Kakashi like this was enough to strengthen his resolve. Kakash looked tired. Not just his usual tired look, but his eye was slightly bloodshot and it was obvious he was having trouble keeping It open. He was shaking, though very faintly and it seemed as though he was having trouble standing. It was sad in a frighteningly dangerous sort of way. "It's about Iruka." Genma added at last.

Kakashi paused. There was the barest hint of emotion in Kakashi's eye, but it flickered out before Genma had a chance to decipher what he had seen. The silver haired man stood still for a moment as though frozen, and finally stepped outside, closing his door behind him. "What?" Genma was certain the question was meant to sound harsh and uncaring, but it ended up sounding forced and sad.

"He's worried about you. He loves you and he wants to know that you'll be okay." Genma realized that he probably should have thought of something to say, but it was too late now.

"I'm fine." Kakashi glared, this time succeeding in coming off as harsh and uncaring.

Genma raised an eyebrow. "Iruka knows you better than I do, but even I can see that you aren't fine. You look like…" Like you did when Yondaime died. "You look like shit." He said finally.

Kakashi shrugged. "Been worse. Just tired."

Genma mentally groaned. Kakashi was going to be laconic and this was going to be more difficult than it needed to be. "Fuck dude, can we just be honest? This is serious. Iruka loves you. And if you don't love him, then you might want to report whatever the fuck happened to you to Tsunade-sama cuz you are clearly not well. I've been chakra depleted and bleeding to death and looked better than you do right now."

Kakashi glared. "This is really none of your business." There was a threatening edge to his voice.

"Kakashi, you're both hurting. I think deaf, blind, and dumb people in friggin' Wave Country know you two are meant for each other. You've been pining after that guy for years dude, and you're going to throw that all away because some old cow doesn't approve? You read porn that half the village refers to as 'filth' in public and giggle like the gay man you are, and you're going to throw this away because one person thinks it's dirty? You're being ridiculous."

Kakashi glared harder. "You want to leave now." He threatened darkly.

"No dude. Kill me if it makes you happy, but tell Raidou I love his stupid ass. You need to hear this. You need to know what you're doing to Iruka."

"I know exactly what I'm doing to him. He'll get over it."

"He'll get over it? So that's it? What about you? Will you get over it? When you see Iruka talking and laughing with some other guy it won't bother you? When they hold hands, when they kiss, when they fuck, that won't hurt? Are you really that cold?"

Kakashi visibly tensed. "This isn't about me. It's better this way."

"Better how?! You're falling apart! And Iruka's… have you seen him? He's completely broken, dude. And why? Because you don't want to be dirty or some shit? Is that really worth all this?"

I told you that This is not about me, and you really have worn out your welcome here." Kakashi was getting angry.

"You always do that. You always threaten people when they start to get too close to the truth, when they start to know too much. Will you just stop and listen? This isn't good! It's not good for anyone. He's loves you. And you love him. He's not just going to get over that. It's not that simple!" Genma was shouting in frustration. He took a deep, calming breath. "If it's not about you then what is it about?"

"This is none of your concern." Kakashi growled.

"I'm not leaving at least until I understand why you're doing this. What is it about?"

Kakashi sighed and leaned against the door in defeat. "I really want to kill you right now." Kakashi muttered.

Genma realized then just how different Kakashi was from most people. He meant that. Kakashi actually had the urge to end his life. Most people said it and didn't really mean it. It was just a phrase meant to express a great degree of anger or frustration, but Kakashi actually wanted to kill him. Killing had become such a casual thing for the man that it was really just a part of life. He couldn't turn it off. He didn't have a 'mission mode' like most did. This was just who Kakashi was. He had never developed a human side.

"I'm only trying to help." Genma whispered. He truly felt sorry for Kakashi. "Tell me what it's about."

Kakashi looked away and remained silent for a few moments. "It's about Iruka." He said finally.

Genma remained silent, waiting for Kakashi to continue.

"I don't want to hurt him. Everyone else gets hurt, and I don't want that for him. I want him to be happy."

"Shouldn't that be his decision? He was happy with you."

Kakashi shook his head. "I don't think I'd be able to handle it if I hurt him."

"You're hurting him now." Genma's tone was surprisingly sensitive and Kakashi was left wondering if Genma had been through this before.

"He's not dead." Kakashi glared at the ground for no particular reason as he spoke.

Genma was quiet for a moment. "You think you're going to kill him?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I've killed everyone else." He'd killed both of his parents. He'd killed Obito and Rin. He was their team leader. He should have been more careful. He should have been a better leader. Then they wouldn't be dead. He should have been there for Minato. He should have taken his sensei's place.

Genma sighed. "You need to stop thinking that way. It's not your fault. None of it was your fault. We're ninja. Death is a part of life. You can't blame yourself for all of this. It happens. It sucks, but that's just life, dude."

"Everyone I've loved has died. It's not just a coincidence. Two points make a line. Three make a pattern. I've got one hell of a pattern going, and I don't want to see that happen to Iruka."

"The only reason everyone you've loved has died is because you don't bother trying to get to know people. Do you have any idea how many of the people I've loved have died? I made new friends. I found Raidou. You gave up. You don't love anyone Kakashi." Genma considered the fact that he had actually lost more people than Kakashi had. He loved more, and therefore lost more, but that wasn't exactly what Kakashi needed to hear just then.

"I love Iruka." Kakashi whispered sadly.

"Then tell him."

"Why? So he'll hold on to this? It's better if he just thinks I never loved him at all. Safer."

Genma smiled. Smiled of all things. The expression was completely out of place. "You've got it bad." He almost chuckled.

Kakashi shrugged. "He's worth it… special I guess. More human than most of us." Kakashi idly wondered why he was sharing so much. Genma was always much too curious. It was unsettling, but maybe Genma could explain some of it to Iruka, not all of it, but enough to get the chuunin through this. "He would have been good for me, but I couldn't do that to him. I'm not worth that."

"Not worth what?"

"Iruka's life. He could… fix me I think. Save me from myself, but that's not worth losing him. He means too much. He's too valuable. It's better this way."

Genma straightened from his slouched position and turned to leave. "Well, you seem to have this whole thing figured out, but there's just one thing I want you to think about. I doubt you'll ever get over Iruka." He paused and gave Kakashi a moment to let that sink in. Kakashi knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that he'd never get over the chuunin. "If you won't get over him, what makes you think he'll be able to get over you?" Genma disappeared in a puff of smoke before Kakashi had time to answer.

Kakashi was left alone to think that through.

---

Genma materialized back in his apartment. He heard was happening before he saw it. Someone was crying softly and Raidou was shushing them and whispering quiet assurances. When the smoke cleared, he saw Iruka curled up on the couch crying. Raidou was rubbing the chuunin's back and trying to comfort him. The scarred jounin looked up at his lover sadly, his expression pleading. Raidou didn't really know what to do to help.

Genma approached the couch and placed a hand on the chuunin's shoulder. "What happened?" He asked carefully. Raidou noted the rather drained expression on Genma's face.

Iruka shook with the effort of trying to calm his breathing enough to speak. "He… He doesn't love me."

Genma's brow furrowed in annoyance. "He said that to you?"

"Not… exactly." Iruka whispered between controlled sobs. "But I don't… I don't think he ever loved me." He wiped his eyes trying to reign in his emotion. "He may have thought he did… Probably wanted to, but I doubt he ever did. He never feels anything… he's so…. He's so numb." He was calming down, but the sadness thick in his voice. Genma almost wished he'd go back to crying. It was easier to hear.

"Iruka…" Raidou sighed sadly, but he wasn't exactly sure what to say.

"He's not as numb as he'd like you to think." Genma finished.

"It doesn't matter. If he loved me he wouldn't be doing this. He wouldn't be acting this way. I'd never be able to do this to someone I loved." Iruka's voice was shaky with unshed tears.

Genma sighed. "Go talk to him tomorrow. Give him some time to think. He's very lost right now. He needs to figure this out for himself."

Iruka nodded, but it was obvious the chuunin had give up all hope. He couldn't continue holding on to hope whent eh thought of what he might lose hurt so much. It was easier to just give in and accept the inevitable. It was easier to just let it hurt than it was to try to stop the hurting.

"Why don't you sleep here tonight?" Raidou offered. "I don't think I want you alone right now."

Iruka nodded and drifted off to sleep curled up on the couch almost instantly.

Radiou looked up at his lover. "You alright, babe?" He whispered, trying not to wake their sleeping guest.

Genma shrugged. "Talking to Kakashi brought up a lot of old memories." He leaned over and kissed Raidou's forehead. "I love you."

Raidou smiled sadly. "Love you too. C'mon. Let's get to bed, kay?"

Genma nodded and they headed off to bed thinking about all the people they'd lost and how glad they were to have each other.

---

Kakashi was staring at his ceiling again. What if Iruka never did get over him? This whole thing was meant to save Iruka not to hurt him. But it was better that Iruka was alive and hurting. At least he wasn't dead. Everyone Kakashi loved had died. This was better. Kakashi's eyes widened in sudden realization. He still loved Iruka. What if pushing him away wasn't enough? What if Iruka was going to die anyway? He certainly couldn't stop loving the chuunin. As much as Kakashi hated to admit it, who he loved was something he had no control over. No matter how much logic or rationalization he went through, he could not stop loving the chuunin. He could arrive at the conclusion that this was a bad idea hundreds of times, but he loved Iruka anyway.

Kakashi let out a sigh of frustration. There was only one way out of this. He knew what he had to do, but it was going to be difficult. He realized that he wouldn't be getting any sleep that night and decided to pay Obito a visit. Maybe his old friend would be able to help.

A/N: Thank you very much for reading. ^_^