Chapter 3: The Timbaland to My Timberlake

Author's Note: I can't deny my love for The Timberlake. Or Sexyback. It's pretty addictive. And I get that after reading that 50 respectable people just closed the page and broke out into laughter, thinking "JT, seriously? What, she couldn't figure out how a Bareback Boys or Backside Boys, whatever you want to call them, song would fit?" But come on, who doesn't want to find the Timbaland to their Timberlake? So any girls with a deep voice and killers moves who wants to rhyme with me sometime, message me. I'll totally dig it.

Uh oh note: I'm totally way too white to even pull off what I wrote above. I'm just happy that I didn't try to use my gangsta talk. I'd have to come back in the next chapter saying "I was so drunk. So sorry to all I offended" to keep myself from getting thrown down the hill in a trashcan. All my self respect is gone, so I'm not worried about that.

Disclaimer: A man with no feet still needs a pair of kicks. Remember that. No clue how that's a disclaimer. Maybe Nike owns my ass now. Who knows. Free advertisement!

Rory and Lorelai had just stepped out of the Gilmore mansion. The girls did not look bright and shiny, stealing a phrase from Meredith Grey. They looked very dark and twisty. Lorelai's face was twisted into a look that made it appear she had to throw up, yet wanted to laugh at the same time. And Rory looked, well, like she had for the past month: completely frickin crazy.

"So, that went well, right mom?"

"Were we in the same house? Were you not sitting beside me when Grandma said "The diner man's nephew? What, the neighbor's gardener was busy?"

"Okay, maybe it wasn't perfect…"

"There has only been one time I've been more horrified in that house and that was when I told them I was pregnant. Dad didn't hit the 24 foot tall scary giant look this time, but he was close. At least 18 feet. God, this sucked. I should have just waited in the car."

"They want to meet him and we got the money for the dress and Grandma wants to be involved. That's something."

"Involved meaning she takes over all plans, fires Jess as the groom, and picks someone with a trust fund to be his stand in. Do we need to flashback? Have you forgotten how ugly that was that fast?"

"Fine, do the weird Lost face and flashback. I'll stand here while you have a fun time narrating."

Lorelai squealed with delight, "Oh my god, I get to do a flashback. This is almost as good as my own voice over."

Lorelai stared off, trying to pull off a meaningful look signifying something big was about to happen, as we entered Lorelai Gilmore's Flashback Realm.

We are transported about two hours earlier to where the Gilmore Girls are sitting outside the great big house of doom, sipping Red Bull and deciding if they should knock.

"All of a sudden, this house is really scary. I'm afraid we are going to go in and it will morph into Dr. Frank-N-Furter's mansion."

"My parents doing the Time Warp. Wow. That might make them locking you in the pool house of depravity and strangling me worthwhile."

"You'll never let that go will you?"

"Sex bed, sex house, sex lamp, ha! It's just too funny. My dad paid for Rory Gilmore's Playboy mansion."

The door to the house on haunted hill suddenly opened and out stepped Emily Gilmore, doing her normal snobby society lady look oh so well.

"Well girls, it's lovely to see you found the steps a nice place to hang out. You two are just like the homeless downtown who sit on steps and beg for pennies. Do you have shoes on Rory?"

"Yes Rory, are you wearing shoes? Do you have gainful employment? Are you even legal?"

"Adorable Lorelai, as always."

"What can I say mom, you bring out the best in me."

Rory blushed, "Sorry grandma, we were about to knock…"

"I'm sure. You know, you're lucky you didn't get shot. Our neighbors keep a gun in the house because little vandals keep hoping their fence to get in their pool. When they see kids, they just go crazy shooting. The kids run away crying. It's hilarious."

"God mom, you're horrible."

"It's a paint gun, Lorelai. They only give you colorful pain. We don't have crazy serial killers in Hartford. I swear, sometimes your lack of a grasp on reality frightens me."

Rory stood up and pulled Lorelai up with her, Lorelai wincing from her now bruised back and whining because she did not want to go inside. There was not going to be any time for the Time Warp.

Emily looked genuinely concerned at hearing Lorelai wince, "Lorelai, are you alright? Should we call our doctor? Do you need to lye down?"

"She's fine Grandma. Can we come in? We, I, have something I need to talk to you about."

"Why is your mother here?"

"Moral support," Lorelai answered before Rory could stumble and blush her way out of that answer.

"Why does she need that? Oh my god. No. Are you pregnant Rory?"

Lorelai started laughing, so hard she doubled over, then started whining about her back again.

"No! No way. I'm not pregnant. Maybe pregnant with emotion but not pregnant with a baby."

Emily breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "Thank god. Your mother is far too young to be a grandmother. And you are far too young to be married or that serious with a boyfriend."

Rory gulped. Lorelai was stunned. She never thought she'd hear her mother advocating Rory to stay single.

"But when I was with Logan you were painting a mental family portrait and picking out china patterns."

"And look at how that relationship ended. I've come to realize you are very much like your mother and I am not only talking about the blue eyes, big appetite, and the over caffeinated personality. Like mother like daughter they say, right?"

"I think I need a valium." Rory was completely thrown off. Now how was she going to explain to her Grandmother that she was in a serious relationship, and engaged (she had the ring pop to prove it!).

"Hey mom, how about we go in and you make a big pitcher of something alcoholic?"

"Oh yes, please come in girls so we can discuss this matter away from the gossip hounds. I swear my neighbors can be so nosy. I want to put an electric fence up but Richard…"

Emily rambled on but the girls had tuned her out. Rory was scared. She wanted to run. Lorelai was scared. She didn't want to die today. She hadn't met Bono yet.

Lorelai was suddenly broken out of her flashback narrating self and back into present time realm when Rory started complaining.

"How was that part important? Nothing went 'down' as you say there. We are going to be in this driveway until 2am if you tell every single detail."

"If you don't stop complaining I'll narrate the entire thirty minutes you spent in the bathroom crying, followed by me luring you out by pretending Grandma was happy when really she was just super drunk."

"Okay, okay, keep going. But please, go faster if you must do this."

"A poet can never rush. I am an artist. One, two, three, back to Lorelai's Flashback Realm."

And here they are again, back to the past. Except now they are in the living room, where Richard had joined Emily and both were expectantly awaiting Rory's "news."

"So Grandma, Grandpa as you know, I'll be 24 this October."

"So we've heard." Emily was getting tired of Rory's stalling. She'd been stalling for the past twenty minutes.

"Which is pretty old considering women used to be married at 17 and probably already had three kids at my age."

Emily and Richard started laughing at Rory in unison.

Rory turned to Lorelai, "Mom, what's going on?" She was confused. What she said wasn't that funny. Actually, it wasn't even remotely funny unless pregnant teenagers are now like dead babies…which were never funny either.

"Who knows. They find the weirdest things funny. Like Anna Nicole Smith's death. They just cracked up when we were talking about it."

"Why were you talking about Anna Nicole Smith with Grandma and Grandpa?"

"I saw them at the grocery store. It was small talk. It was either that or talk about watermelons."

"They go to the grocery store? I thought they had people for that."

"You know any good rich person has to mingle with the little people once in awhile. Has being a debutante taught you nothing?"

Richard cleared his throat, signaling that even though he and Emily were the ones to disrupt the flow of this conversation, it was time to get back on track.

"Okay, um…" Rory paused and started pulling at her skirt, looking away from Emily and Richard. Lorelai decided to give Rory a break and try to move this confession along.

"Mom, dad, Rory has big news! That's great, right? Big news. Not small news. Big news!"

"What is it?" Emily was curious now. She hadn't seen Rory this unRorylike since she dropped out of Yale.

"Well, I have been dating this guy. You actually know him. Or met him. You might remember him. His name is Jess."

"He wrote a book! I know how much you love books, dad." Lorelai gushing about Jess? What had happened to her? She mentally reminded herself to wash her mouth out with soap once she got home. It was very unLorelailike to gush about Jess.

"That's nice, Lorelai." Her father looked extremely bored.

"Jess, Jess...sorry Rory, doesn't ring a bell." Emily brushed this off quickly, not caring much if her granddaughter was dating some random boy for a week. She might have remembered a Jess, but she wasn't going to take the time to rack her brain for a memory.

"That's good, actually. He's nothing like he was when I was seventeen anyways. People change so much. Change is good. I have changed too. Especially since I've been dating him."

"She likes Bob Dylan now. It's weird."

"How long have you two been dating?" Emily asked. Okay, fine, she was curious. But not in a "what the grandchildren" will look like way.

This question threw Rory off. She had forgotten to factor in explaining why they hadn't met Jess even though they'd been dating pretty much since she graduated from Yale.

"Oh you know, just a little over a year. Not that long."

"A little over a year? My god Rory, that's serious!"

"I'm sure she knows mom."

"You two should be engaged soon."

"Oh Emily please, they are just children."

"Richard, have you watched the news lately? Young people get married for fun now and then get divorced when they get bored. We're lucky Rory hasn't been married three times already. Rory you haven't been married in Vegas, have you? I hear that's where those Hollywood kids do it now."

Lorelai couldn't help but laugh at her mother saying do it. It was priceless. She wished she carried a tape recorder with her at all times.

Rory couldn't speak. She'd lost her voice. She felt Lorelai poking her in the side mouthing "Tell them" so she tried to get it out.

But it came out in a whismumble (a cross between a whisper and a mumble).

"I'm engaged."

"You're what?"

"Speak up dear. We can't hear you."

Rory didn't mean to, but she screamed. Call it a case of the crazies taking over.

"I'm engaged! To Jess! Yes, I know, he's the diner man's nephew but I'm happy, okay? I have a ring pop to prove it!"

Rory never knew yelling could feel so good.

"The diner man's nephew? What, the next door neighbor's gardener was busy?"

"Good one mom."

"What happened to moral support, mom?" Rory was still standing, her fist clenched, jaw tight.

"You have to admit, that was funny. And so modern of my mother to know about that."

"I use the internet Lorelai. I know about the trends."

"Mom, that's a 2005 thing. Now it's big to be a polygamist."

"Lorelai, what do you know about this boy?" Richard yelled this at Lorelai, becoming his scary 20 foot tall man self.

Lorelai remembered this line well. Rory's Dance. Except this time, different parent, different boy. And this time, she needed to be somewhat serious.

"He's Rory's lobster."

Okay, not the most helpful there.

"Is that some sexual reference Lorelai because I swear, this is not the time."

"No dad it's not. Watch Friends sometime. It reruns on almost every channel. But why are you asking me about Rory's fiancé? Ask Rory. She should be a Jess expert."

Emily hissed to herself "What kind of name is Jess" just loud enough for Rory to hear.

"He's a writer, as mom said. He loves books."

"And Rory! Don't forget the key there guys: He loves Rory."

"Our pool boy loved Rory and we didn't let him within fifty feet of her." Richard was not going to let a simple moony eyed boy marry his granddaughter. The pool boy was moony eyed and sixteen. He hated that pool boy.

"Well Jess isn't a pool boy. And he is the reason Rory went back to Yale. Did you know that?"

"Really?" This made Richard smile for a moment. If that was true, he owed this boy a big thank you.

"Yes. He made me see how much I was wasting my life just hanging out and going to DAR meetings and partying. He does that. He makes people realize how selfish they are being. I think it's because he had such a bad childhood. You look at him and think if he can become a writer with his past and I have had everything handed to me, yet I am just sitting around watching The Graduate over and over, I must be the biggest loser ever. I felt like I was letting him down just wasting my life. I respect him so much."

"So he told you that our life was silly and pointless, so you fell in love with him? How Lorelaiesque of you." Emily was not pleased that this boy had made Rory believe that her life was frivolous.

"Not this again." Lorelai knew the same lifetime argument was coming back around.

"No grandma, that's not what I am saying. I mean that at age twenty-one, I should have been doing more. When you were twenty-one I'm sure you weren't planning DAR functions and partying with your boyfriend."

"No, I wasn't. I was planning my wedding and family. Silly me. Such a waste my life has been. Thanks for telling me, dear."

"Emily, please…"

"Richard, this is ridiculous. She is engaged to a boy we haven't met!"

"Then let's meet him."

"He's probably too good to come here. Probably thinks we'll infect him with our high society disease."

"Grandma, Grandpa, you don't have to meet him. There will be a rehearsal dinner. You can meet there."

"On neutral territory," Lorelai added.

Richard shook his head, "That won't work. If this boy is going to become a permanent part of Rory's life, we need to meet. A dinner, an outing at the club, or something that would be considered "bonding." I don't care what. He can pick. But we must meet."

"Christopher hasn't even met him yet."

"Bad argument mom."

"I have to agree with Rory there."

"But he's her father…"

"Sometimes."

"When it's convenient," Emily muttered, "But I bet you were planning on letting Jess become buddy buddy with him since he rebelled against our lifestyle as well with his stupid motorcycle and childish ways. Excuse me. I need to go lye down."

"Mom, please come back. He's really not that bad once you get past his tendency to be surly and only use one word sentences."

But Emily had fled into the kitchen to gorge on candies and cry. Oh the Gilmore drama never ends.

"Welcome back… to reality and out of Lorelai's Flashback Realm," Lorelai was trying to sing to the Welcome Back Kotter beat, with her own words, but it wasn't going so well. "Wow that was bad. I'll stick to my narrating, which by the way, how was it? I tried to change voices. How's my Emily?"

"More hysterical with each impression."

"Sweet!"

"But you skipped the part about her grabbing my phone, dialing Jess' number and telling him he was not the grandson in-law she wanted, and then started screaming about lilies and fish."

"That was really weird. I left that out so I wouldn't start kicking the jeep. It was an awkward moment for all parties involved."

"And you left out Grandpa writing the check for the dress."

"But see, I would have had to talk about me getting down on my hands and knees and begging for money, and that's just not pleasant. And it makes me look weak, which is not in the Don description."

"And me crying in the bathroom?"

"Never needs to be revisited again. Talking to you through the door wasn't my proudest moment either."

Lorelai walked up to Rory and hugged her.

"What's that for?"

"I just needed to do that. Admit it. That sucked."

"I bombed. And Grandma is probably still upstairs hysterical, calling Jess over and over. Oh my god, Jess! I need to call him."

"You can call him when we get home."

Rory had a whimsical look on her face, "Home. Such a nice place."

"Terrorists would choose Guatanamo Bay over the Gilmore mansion. Of course home seems nice now. The thought of home is getting me as excited as I get when I find a pair of Jimmy Choos on sale."

"Are you going to do Lorelai's Flashback Realm for Jess and Luke?"

"Most likely."

"Which part are you going to emphasize?"

"Probably the gardener part. It just keeps getting funnier. That or Emily locking herself in the kitchen with the roast and not knowing how to turn off the timer. The cook yelling directions in Swedish outside the door was awesome. If only I knew Swedish we could have had so much fun together."

"I need a burger."

"Random."

"I know, but I need it. I feel like there is a hole in my stomach and everything has fallen out."

"That's called an empty bladder."

"I'm about to eat my arm," Rory threatened.

"Go ahead. If it needs some seasoning, you can go back inside and ask Emily for the salt shaker. Maybe she'll be picking out china patterns and asking you what you think of her silver. You could have some wedding bonding time!"

"Why are we still in their driveway?"

"Why haven't they came over the intercom and yelled at us in Russian, German, Chinese and some other foreign language to get off the property?"

"Why does their intercom yell in all languages but English?"

"The great mysteries of life. Next week we will tackle the issue of how fruit roll ups are made. I'm pretty sure it can't be legal."

"Food; you spoke about food. Can we go get that burger now?"

"It's 10:30. Luke closed at least two hours ago and has been asleep for awhile now."

"Maybe he'll open up for us as a favor, since I'm engaged to his nephew and all."

"Or maybe we can take a road trip up to see your boyfriend who doesn't sleep and he will fix us something. Luke had to have passed some of his food making powers on to Jess."

"What will sustain us during the drive?"

"I've got an orange in my purse."

"An orange? Why are you carrying fruit? Did you shoplift again?"

"No. The Jehovah's gave it to me."

"They gave you fruit?"

"They really wanted to convert me. Too bad they didn't know about my fear of oranges."

"It's so bright. It's a terrifying fruit. So we either eat the scary orange or starve?"

"Did we eat all the doughnuts?"

"There are crumbs in the bottom of the box."

"I can make it to Philly on crumbs. By the way, when is your boyfriend moving? You can't be a commuter couple throughout your marriage."

"Soonish."

Lorelai shook her head at Rory and looked away. They were so unprepared to be planning a wedding, but what could she say? If she told her daughter she wasn't ready, she knew Rory would take it as her disapproving of Jess and she can't go in the ring to fight that one out again.

"What?" Rory's face had turned red and she wouldn't look directly at Lorelai any longer.

"Nothing, I just think you two need to be working on these issues instead of you making out with a Vera Wang dress. How can you get married in the fall if you aren't even sure you will be living in the same place?"

Rory completely ignored her mother's questions, figuring she would hear them again tomorrow and the next day. And from Luke. And Lane. And Paris. And Grandma and Grandpa when they started talking to her again. Pretty much anyone she talked to would ask these same questions.

"Can we just go see Jess if we're going? Or we can go home. I don't care. You're the one who wanted to go see Jess; I'm just following your lead. But I'm starving, so make up your mind."

"Somebody's getting their bitch on."

"It's late. I'm hungry. Sue me."

"Whatever. Get in the car."

"Are we going to see Jess or not? Cause if we are I need to at least fix my face."

"If he hasn't seen you with hairy legs and bad breath yet, then we might as well break him in as to what he'll be coming home to everyday for the rest of his life. And I do mean the rest of his life because you are too stubborn to ever get a divorce. You'll cut it off if you have to."

Rory and Lorelai got into the car, completely silent and pulled out of the driveway in silence. Lorelai looked at Rory every few miles, but turned away quickly when she thought Rory might notice she was staring at her.

It had been quiet for at least thirty minutes when the opening beat for SexyBack came on the radio.

Lorelai started to laugh.

A few seconds later, Rory couldn't hold back any longer and laughed along with her.

Then Lorelai started to sing.

I'm bringin' sexy back

And just as Lorelai was about to be the Timbaland to her Timberlake Rory joined in.

Yeah!

Lorelai smiled, "Them other boys don't know how to act!"

Rory completely skipped the yeah and got her JT on, "I think you're special what's behind your back"

"Go RG, go RG, yeah!" Lorelai started to cheer her daughter on, loving how they had put the fight aside as soon as "their song" came on the radio (one of their many sing a long songs).

"So turn around and I'll pick up the slack! Take it to the bridge mom!"

"Uh, I think I'll let Justin finish. But thanks babe."

"For what?" Rory was confused by this admission of gratitude. All she did was sing along, badly.

"Remembering that even when we are in a fight, singing can solve it. Singing solves everything. So thanks for putting away your fight face." Lorelai smiled at Rory, thankful it didn't take doing the bus driver to get them out of this funk.

"Mom, we can't go to Philadelphia tonight."

"I know."

"It's three hours away."

"I know."

"Then why did you bring it up?"

"I thought seeing Jess would make you happy. You've been so unRory lately; I didn't know what to do. "

"Oh."

"I know it wasn't my best idea. It is only slightly better than the vacuum toaster but I was just trying to help. Oh look, a McDonald's!"

"Pull in, pull in! Thank god for overweight Americans and 24 hour drive-throughs."

"I am in serious need of a McFlurry."

"And chicken nuggets. Oh and fries! But I want a toy as well, so just get me a happy meal with triple the food. But no apple pie. I have to think about my Vera Wang."

"We still need to name the holy dress."

"After we eat, we'll brain storm. Speak into the Ronald, mom!"

"Don't worry; the plastic clown isn't going anywhere. I just need to think. 2 coffees or 3?"

"Three should work. We can share the third because I want an orange HIC too. It has no flavor, but I love it. It's kid soda. Makes me feel five again."

"I meant for myself. I need at least two coffees, minimum. If you want some, you better speak up."

"Forgetting about your only coffee addicted child? Mean."

"Hey, my five other kids could be coffee whores too. You never know. I miss little Pedro and Maria in Mexico. So sad they were deported."

"Stars Hollow wasn't very accepting of you hiring Mexican kids to do chores."

"Adopted! I adopted them. I should be able to make them do whatever I want. And I fed them."

"Really bad egg rolls and burnt coffee."

"Oh yeah. That was mean. I'll never be allowed to be baby-sit again."

"You renamed them and thought up a fake background for them. It was making fun of crippled kids low."

The Girls must have forgotten they were pulled up at the Ronald, because over the intercom came the voice of a very unchipper woman.

"Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like to try a quarter…"

"No. But get your pen ready, cause I've got a Jared pre Subway intervention size order for you."

"Miss, we don't use pens. It's all electronic."

"Oh. Luke should get a computer thingy like this."

"Who's Luke?"

"My diner man. He feeds me, coffees me and reminds me that because I eat at places like this, my death is approaching fast. I might die right this minute, according to him."

"Um, okay, want an apple pie?"

"No. Vera would not approve."

"Who?"

Rory started laughing. "Wow, this lady obviously doesn't know that you will never shut up."

"I know, she keeps asking me questions. Oh look, a line is forming behind me. I wonder if she can see the line. Excuse me miss, can you see me?"

"No."

"Good. So, what do you think about Transformers? I'm torn. Action figures coming to life frighten me, but I can't help but have a completely inappropriate crush on Shia LeBouf."

Lorelai was truly wonder woman. Even if this delayed Rory getting her happy meal, she didn't care. Her mom was a rock star and just watching her fluster Ronald's human stand in voice was worth the starving.

It was going to be hard not spending all this time with her mom once she was married. She can't ask Jess to move in with her mom or next door. Her therapist told her she needed to be at least 100 miles away from Lorelai, if not more.

Now she just had to break that to Lorelai.

"Yes I've seen Office Space and no I am not going to burn this McDonald's down."

"Oh come on, I know you want to. I bet your boss has a symbolic stapler you want. Maybe he always eats the last mcnugget. I don't know, work with me here. I know you are overworked and underpaid. Fight the McNugget stealer!"

Lorelai Gilmore: The Anarchist.

Ending Author's Note: P.S., I love you. That was really sweet right? Are you swooning right now?

By the way: I support anarchy.