As always everything Twilight belongs to S. Meyer
A/N Thank you so much for the reviews and alerts I really do appreciate every one. I have had this written for a while but I'm only now being brave enough to post it I promise to do better with the next chapter. As with the other chapters this is totally unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own I hope you like it.
The Power of Dreams - Chapter Three
The morning came rushing in all far too quickly and despite burying my face in the crook of Edward's shoulder the sun still persisted to shine through the flimsy curtains. How could the day outside appear to be so glorious when I knew today was going to be so miserable?
After we had gone to bed last night Edward had fallen to sleep quickly shattered from the evening's events and the broken sleep my nightmare had given him the night before. I however wasn't so lucky and sleep eluded me way into the early hours. I had laid awake for a while just appreciating Edward's sleeping form he looked so angelic, the stresses of the day no longer marring his beautiful features. I wish it hadn't come to this it hurt my heart to think about leaving him but I needed to fix me if we had any chance at a future.
Slowly he begins to stir beside me his arm wrapped around my shoulders pulling me in tighter.
"Good morning baby, you ok?" his voice still husky with sleep does unthinkable things to my pulse rate but it's still not enough to lift my heavy mood.
I give a half hearted smile in reply unable to conjure up to words to explain how I'm feeling.
He holds me impossibly closer and a press myself firmly into his side wishing our bodies would somehow fuse together it's both comforting and distressing at the same time. I know that the longer I hold him the harder it will be to let him go yet I can't make myself release my grip. Eventually my ever increasing bladder has the final say and I have no choice but to leave the warmth of Edward's body.
Entering back in to the bedroom I stop in the door way struck by the enormity of leaving Edward. I don't know when I'll next see him after today and that thought scares me beyond belief. Looking at him on his stomach sprawled across our bed the white sheets tangled round his legs barely covering his ass I can't believe I'm actually going to go through with it. His head is laying on my pillow his arms hidden beneath it and I wonder how much harder it will be for him to be in our bed alone at night. Even contemplating Edward's feelings I can't help my brain slipping to visuals of someone else spooned up against him. How much easier it will be for him if I'm not in the way? It takes more determination than it should to shut the thoughts out but I manage it before they take me further down a road of despair. Ever since Edward suggested the time part I can't help but wonder if it's just a ploy to get me out of the away. It's been like a constant nagging at the back of my mind but I'm refusing to acknowledge it I can't for fear of what it'll do to my sanity.
"Baby is there a reason why you've been stood naked in the door way for the last five minutes?" Edward's voice mumbling into my pillow draws my attention back to him as I realise I am indeed naked.
"Sorry just got lost in thought"
"Are you going to come back to bed?" he turns his head to look at me his green eyes luring me forward.
I try to resist him as I know how difficult it will be to leave his body a second time but I just can't. The way he's looking at me creates an almost magnetic reaction and before I really have a chance to make a choice I'm lying on my side facing him our legs tangled together under the thin white sheet.
"Honey I really should be making some calls" I say in hope that he'll give me the encouragement I need to actually start with the horrible tasks I have to do today. But my weak protest falls on deaf ears as he completely ignores me by burying his head into my neck whilst holding me tighter. I give in placing my arm over his waist using the tips of my fingers to draw delicate lines up and down his spine as goose bumps erupt all over his skin. He lets out a contented sigh and for the next few minutes we lay together not speaking a word only communicating with gentle touches and barely there kisses.
I don't know how many minutes pass before Edward's voice quietly penetrates the silence.
"As much as I want to stay here forever baby it's nearly 8am you should probably call your boss"
Reality like a lead weight crashes into our perfect bubble and I can no longer put off the inevitable. Begrudgingly I untangle myself from Edward and the sheets and sit on the edge of the bed. I don't move straight away and Edward sensing my reluctance moves up behind me wrapping his arms around my middle as he places his cheek on my shoulder.
"Jay it's going to be alright we will get through this I promise"
His words only bring a small amount of comfort as how can he possibly promise something neither of us can possibly know.
The call to my boss goes a lot smoother than I expect and he grants me permission for four weeks leave. It appears he has also noticed the changes in my attitude and is glad that I am going to address them. He assures me that my standard of work hasn't yet suffered but that he has been becoming more concerned about my welfare. I suppose I should feel grateful to work for such a compassionate company but my usual doubts and paranoia shadow any gratitude I feel. Although I hate that I can't even trust my boss's words I can't help but think that my phone call came at the right time and they'll also be glad to be free of me for a while.
The next call to my mother should be the easier of the two but I really don't feel ready to get into the intricacies of why I'm going home. I know she will be glad to have me stay but she will also want to know the reasons. Admitting that Edward and I need time apart feels like I have failed and I don't want to say that out loud or have to give any explanations. After giving myself several internal pep talks I dial the number for home hitting the call button quickly before I back out and have to go through the whole cycle again. It only rings a couple of times before it's answered and my mother's voice greets me down the phone line.
"Hello, Margaret Whitlock speaking" her formal greeting always makes me smile; it's not even remotely close to how she normally speaks.
"Hey mum it's me"
"Hi Sweetheart, what are you doing calling this early?" her voice takes on a curious tone and I know I'm going to have to try hard to get through this as quickly as possible
"Well I wondered whether it would be ok if I came home to stay for a while" As soon as I finish the sentence I brace myself for the barrage of questions.
"Have you and Edward got some vacation time?"
"No just me, Edward still has to work" I hope maybe that will be enough to satisfy her but then I'm never that lucky
"What you're leaving him at home? Is everything alright?"
"I'll tell you all about it when I get home, I should be with you by this afternoon"
"Ok, but Sweetheart I" I feel horrible but I cut her off before she can finish
"I'll see you later, love you"
"But Jasper"
"Bye mum" and with that I end the call feeling guilty for being so rude.
Having made both the phone calls all that is left to do is to pack my things, the final act that truly means I am leaving. Just the thought of removing my clothes from our closet makes me feel sick to my stomach and I question again whether going is such a good idea if it is this painful. But then I remember the night before and the look on Edward's face as I spat those awful words at him and I know I can't risk hurting him like that again. It's time to take responsibility for my emotions and get them back under control before I completely lose the one thing that is most precious to me.
I slowly and reluctantly make my way back to the bedroom retrieving a small suitcase from the spare room as I go. I know I really should use something bigger but I don't want to remove too many of my things from our home. I need to leave as much of me behind just so I know I have a reason to come back. It's impractical and possibly irrational but it scares me to take everything as if the less of me that remains the easier it will be for Edward to forget.
As I enter the bedroom I notice it's empty and a small burst of panic bubbles up in my chest as I fear Edward has crept out whilst I was on the phone downstairs. I'm about to frantically start searching for him when I hear the rush of water as the shower is switched on and water begins to rebound of the surrounding tiled surface. I can tell the moment he steps under the spray from the change in sound as the water is now redirected against soft skin. Placing the suitcase on the bed I sink down beside it the constant swing of my emotions already tiring by body despite the early hour of the day. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be on an even keel where the feelings you go through in 24 hours rarely hit the extremes. I long to be able to just be happy and not to have to fight against myself continually I have no energy left for it. How much easier would it be if I could just curl up in a dark place and sleep for a few months in the hope that when I woke up everything would be perfect? It's a complete shame that such a notion has no basis in reality.
Removing my heavy body from the bed I begin placing my clothes in the suitcase along with a couple of Edward's t-shirts for comfort. I'm just folding the second when he comes through from the bathroom catching me red handed. I was obviously so tied up in my own thoughts I hadn't heard the water shut off or the door open. His eyes are immediately drawn to my hands as he spots the item of clothing before I have a chance to set it down. I wait expecting him to say something but he doesn't comment just gives me a gentle smile as he heads for his underwear drawer.
Edward finishes dressing as I'm closing the zip on the few meagre things I have allowed myself to take. He comes to stand behind me enveloping me in another embrace and placing his chin on my shoulder. I think we have probably had more bodily contact in the last few hours than we have had in the last few months it's yet another reminder of how things have slipped between us.
"Have you got everything you need?" he asks turning his head slightly and whispering the words in my ear. The soft caress of his breath against my skin causes a small shiver to tingle down my spine and I shudder slightly against his chest.
"Yes I think so" I answer just as quietly enjoying the warmth of his body soaking through my back "I going to miss you so much" the words spring from nowhere but they are nothing but the honest truth.
"Me too baby"
His arms hold me a bit tighter and I let myself just be in that moment without my brain running at 100 miles an hour and second guessing his motives. It's perfect and comforting and provides me with enough strength to get through what is possibly going to be the hardest few minutes of my life.
Turning slowly in his arms I turn so that we are face to face wrapping my own arms around his shoulders. I hold him so impossibly close it's quite likely he'll lose the ability to breathe but he doesn't complain and reciprocates in kind. Eventually I loosen my arms allowing us to look at one another. He's so beautiful even despite the tired dark circles under his eyes. I don't think anything could ever distract from his overwhelming beauty. He is all I could ever wish for and yet I'm about to intentionally leave him the irony of the situation is not lost on me. Carefully I lean into him placing my lips softly over his it's a kiss that says so many things, I love you, I'll miss you, I don't want to go. It could so easily become frantic and consuming but neither of us allows it to escalate beyond a simple chaste kiss that says everything we can't physically put into words.
Pulling back from him is gut wrenchingly hard but I manage to do it without my heart dropping to dissolve in my stomach.
"You better get going you'll be late for work" I say in voice a lot stronger than I feel
He doesn't answer just nods his head and steps away from me to gather his work bag and jacket. The silence in the room is deafening and I need to hear his voice
"You haven't eaten, you should eat something before you go" I know in the scheme of things it's irrelevant but if it gets an answer then it will have served its purpose.
He looks at me slightly confused by my statement.
"I couldn't, I'll get something later" his voice is subdued but it's enough to nearly satiate my need "Walk me to the door?"
Stood on the front door step we stand looking at one another both of us unsure as to what to say or do. How do you say goodbye to someone you love when you don't know when you'll see each other again. In this moment I have nothing but the up most respect for families that have to do this as part of their profession. It must be so hard to say those last few words knowing it won't be the last time you'll have to do it. I can see the tears beginning to swim in front of his eyes and it only encourages the lump that has been rapidly forming in my throat choking my air supply.
"You take care of yourself ok, I need you to get better and come back to me" he says raising his hand to my cheek wiping away the tears that I'm now powerless to stop escaping.
"You to, and I will come back to you that's a promise" I cover his hand with mine leaning my cheek into the palm of his hand "I'll call you let you know I'm there safely"
His response is to fold me tightly into his chest as we take the last few seconds together to just breathe each other in. When he lets go it's quick and he's down the steps before I have a chance to realise he's gone he looks back at me once as he reaches his car offering me a weak wave before he's swiftly inside and heading off down the street.
As I go back inside to collect all I need to take with me I feel numb and I welcome it enjoying the emptiness of feeling nothing. It's easier than the torrent of emotions I have been experiencing over recent months and I hope it lasts.
It doesn't take long before the car is packed and I'm shutting the door on our house. I'm expecting the piecing pain in my chest as my heart finally dies but it doesn't come and I continue to be void of any more emotions. As I drive, our neighbourhood getting further and further away, I function on auto pilot scarily unaware of what is going on around me.
Unfortunately for someone there has been an accident on the freeway and I'm stuck in traffic about 20 minutes from my parent's house. Cars have all come to a complete stand still and there is nothing to do but wait. For the first few minutes I sit staring out of the windshield at nothing in particular my thoughts unnervingly quiet leaving my head feeling vacant. What draws my eye to it I don't know but I notice a small slip of paper is sticking out from behind my sun visor as I pull it down it flutters into my lap. Turning it over in my fingers I see there's writing on one side it's a shopping list written in Edward's handwriting with an "x" at the bottom. Such an insignificant thing but something inside me breaks and I'm flooded with every emotion it is humanly possible to feel and once the sobbing starts it can't be stopped. Hugh heaving sobs rack through me as tears stream down my face. I'm sure the people in the cars around me are probably wondering about the crazed lunatic alone in his car but I can't rein it in. I hurt so acutely from the events in my past and I'm so angry that they continue to destroy my life making me walk away from the one person who has ever made me happy. A complete mess of snot and tears I feel so totally out of control I'm scared that I'll never stop the barrage of sorrow that keeps pulling me under.
Beeping from the cars behind force me to pull it together as the traffic begins to clear and I need to drive. How I manage to get to my parent's I'll never know as my eyes are so puffy from crying I can barely see. I give myself a few more minutes sat in the car to gather my shit together before I venture in to the scrutiny of my mother. I feel exhausted and could really do with just sleeping the rest of the day away but I don't think I'll get that luxury. I'm a little stunned by the strength at which the last breakdown hit me and if even a small part of me doubted that I needed some kind of professional help it is now convinced. I can't keep living at these extremes it's just too draining and I don't want to feel this way anymore I want to be able to let go of my past ghosts instead of them persistently haunting my future.
Ten or so minutes pass before I feel ready to go inside. I enter via the kitchen door at the back of the house as I have always done and my mum is stood in the kitchen making sandwiches. She spins round the moment she hears the door rushing towards me. She's about to gather me in a hug when she notices my red rimmed eyes and tear stained face that no amount of time in the car was going to hide.
"Sweetheart whatever is the matter?"
I don't know how to answer as there is so much I could say so I just pitifully shrug my shoulders thankfully she doesn't press me and hugs me anyway. I'm just pulling away from her embrace when a voice I spent my youth trying to avoid poisons the air.
"Ah isn't that sweet you still need your mummy."
Immediately my back goes rigid as my brother's voice assaults my ears.
"James that's enough" my mother scolds him but it never used to make a difference so I don't expect it to now so I'm not surprised when he continues.
"Did your pretty boy kick you out too?"
I look at my mother imploring her with my eyes as to why she didn't tell me he was here. My brother and I have never had a close relationship and it was only made worse when I finally came out and I had to live with his homophobia on a daily basis.
"I tried to tell you sweetheart on the phone but you wouldn't let me finish" my mother whispers in my ear before going over to my brother.
"James haven't you got a wife you are meant to be trying to make a mends with" she says sharply shooing him out of the kitchen.
I have only been inside the house for all of five minutes and already I feel like the pathetic teenager I was all those years ago maybe this wasn't the solution to all my problems.
A/N Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you Beth x