Hello, everyone who is reading this! Truly, I didn't know how small the audience was for different pairings. However, I don't care how many people read this story, I love writing this. I haven't had this much fun writing in a while. I feel like I can picture this entire story in my head. I just wanted to say, thank you, whoever is reading this and reviewing this! Your reviews mean the world to me. Every time I post a chapter, I just wait to see what you guys will say. I was so thrilled to see Rita was reading this one, too! I'm such a big fan of her blog and find so many awesome stories because of her. Also, I'm so thrilled to see so many familiar faces (screen names) reading this. I literally fan girl over all of you haha. I'm trying to get better at responding to reviews but since I don't have tons of time, it's hard. So, just know that all of you rock my world. Thanks for giving this story a chance, despite it not being an Edward and Bella tale. Also, excuse my grammatical errors. I'm so eager to post, I don't have this beta'd. See you all next chapter!
One More Time, One More Chace
Chapter 2:
Can You See Me Like I Can See You?
"Are you hearing me?"
Their words floated through my mind but didn't resonate with me. I could hear them speak but the sounds muffled into a series of vibrations in my ears. My spirit seemed to float above my body, skeptically watching over the whole ordeal.
How could this be … It doesn't make any sense …
"Edward?"
My eyes blinked as I took a deep breath, trying to center myself and gain focus. The world around me was a mocking blur. The weight on my shoulders felt heavier than usual and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being pulled underneath the dark waters I had been treading. Maybe I want to sink …? Maybe sinking would feel freeing. It would certainly feel better than this.
"I hear you, Mom," I responded, cringing as the word "mom" passed through my lips.
How could this be? Why would they wait until now to tell me?
I couldn't look at them. To me, they felt like strangers. I had never understood myself. After falling head over heels for Jasper, I became even less self-aware—I had felt even more lost. If I looked in the mirror at this very moment, I doubted I would recognize the man staring back at me. I would see the familiar eyes and features but I wouldn't be able to wrap my mind around who the mirror presented. I felt like an outlander in my own body. My skin inched as if my soul was yearning to jump out of it.
"We wanted to tell you sooner … we were always looking for the right time."
"Were you?" I asked before I could pause and think.
How was two weeks after my high school graduation the "right time"? Two weeks had past before I could blink. Two weeks since I saw his face … Two weeks since I've heard his voice. He had called and texted me countless times and yet, I never had the courage to answer the phone or respond to him. I had wanted to be alone. I had to distant myself if I ever wanted to move on. We had no future together. Hell, we hadn't a present either.
When he wasn't around, I was confused. Now, with this added burden, I felt like I couldn't breathe. The truth flooded my mind and ripped through my chest, making me feel like I was being suffocated. How could this be? Right when I was moving on with my life, they throw this at me. What do they want me to do now?
"Do you know who she is? Do you know who either of them are?"
"You were left behind at a hospital … We had lost our child and then … there was you … A young man had brought you there but we never knew his name."
"And the woman?"
My mother … And my mother?
"She was a teenager. All I know is that she didn't give birth at that hospital."
The two adults before me, the people who were apparently my parents in every way other than blood, had been introduced to me in their late thirties. They had lived their lives and prepared for a child before I came into the picture. They had given me everything I could have wanted and more. They had always made me feel both protected and loved. Yet, I wanted to know the love of the two who had left me behind. Was that normal? Was that selfish of me? How could I want more when I already had so much?
"We wanted to tell you, Edward. It was eating me up inside," my mother said as she reached forward, grabbing my hand.
I felt numb. Why had they lied to me for so long? Why had they let me believe something which wasn't true? Who am I now? Who have I been?
"Why now? Why wait so long? Have either of them ever reached out?"
Have either of them ever wanted me?
"Once," my mother said after a long pause. "Once, the girl did. You were a toddler and she … well, her life had been a mess. She knew that, I think. She just wanted to see you once, she said … I let her. She watched you play and when I asked if she wanted to introduce herself, not as your mother but as a friend, she backed away, apologized, and left. She never left any information and after that … Well, that was that, I guess. The boy never came. I don't know if they were a couple or what."
My body rose from the couch as my mind played catch-up, trying to absorb Mom's words. My vision was hazy but even through the blur, I saw my dad shift uncomfortably in his seat. He nearly squirmed under my gaze, seeming broken as he slumped forward and dropped his head into his hands. The rational part of my mind knew this was hard for them—but they had been living with the truth. I hadn't had that luxury. My life had been a lie. I was an entirely different person. Everything felt foreign now—out of place and unrecognizable.
Turning, I headed toward the door, needing fresh air and a cigarette. My parents, immobile on the couch, said nothing. I had expected them to call out but too ashamed, they had remained silent. Good, I thought. They didn't need to apologize to me for keeping me in the dark. Their words would mean nothing. If they had felt sorry, they would have spoken up sooner. They wouldn't have waited until now, when I was already so lost, to tell me.
When I was being reasonable, I understood how much they have done for me; I understood the lengths they went for me and the hurdles they jumped through. However, these thoughts and considerations did little to alleviate the burning in my chest or the weight crushing down on me. In the end, I felt removed from the world around me—I felt like an alien.
An alien … I always felt that way. Even before now. Even before this.
Shoving the cigarette in my mouth, I yanked out my lighter, trying to escape my own thoughts. Was I unwanted? Did she know, even before I could speak, that I was different? Could she feel that I wasn't a child she wanted? As much as I hated it, tears pricked my fucking eyes. I hung my head and tried to blink them away. I wouldn't cry about this. Crying wouldn't change a damn thing. Now, I was more lost than ever and I felt that I had no one to blame but myself.
Leaning back against the brick, I slowly slid down to the ground until I sat cross-legged against the front of my home. My home … it barely feels like my home anymore. I hate myself for thinking it, but I don't know where I belong anymore. Clouds covered the sun, leaving my face chilled. The wind shifted around me, transforming from calm to chaotic in a few heartbeats. Lifting my face, I allowed the wind to dance across my cheeks, causing them to turn flushed as my lips felt icy. I smiled, loving when the weather matched my mood.
Thankfully, my parents never bothered me. I didn't want them to approach me and I appreciated that they realized I needed my space. I needed time to think. So, I watched as the clouds morphed into something monstrous and ditched my hoodie as the wind became unforgiving. There was something eating me up inside, like a hole in my stomach becoming wider and wider and deeper and deeper. A part of myself was gone. I wondered if I would ever find it again. All of my memories felt tainted now. The past was no longer filled with vivid colors; instead, it was a blur of gray.
I bit down on my lip as the muscles in my face clenched, twitching as I tried to restrain my emotions. I wouldn't allow my feelings to show on my face. I wouldn't. I pushed away from the wall and stood up, walking away from my house with my hoodie crumbled on the ground. I needed to get away from here. I didn't know where I would go, but that didn't matter. Anywhere but here would be fine. Directionless, I walked out of my neighborhood, ignoring the rain as it poured down on me, soaking my clothes completely.
My phone buzzed against my thigh as it laid snuggly in the pocket of my drenched jeans. For a moment, I didn't want to answer it, assuming it was my parents growing worried. Parents … was it weird to call them that now? I didn't know what the protocol was with this shit. Numbly, I reached into my pocket, grabbing my cellphone. Without looking at the number on screen, I accepted the call and pressed the phone against my ear.
"Edward? What's up man, I've been texting you."
Jasper's voice only put me more on edge. He was the first person I wanted to hear from and the last person I wanted to hear from. His voice was comforting and destructive at the same time. My heart raced and no matter how many times I opened and closed my mouth, words didn't escape. I gaped out at the night, allowing my emotions to control me for a moment before I stifled them.
"Sorry … I've been busy," I replied lamely, barely recognizing my own voice.
"You sound weird. Are you okay?"
Leave it to Jasper to recognize my distress over the phone.
"I'm fine."
"What are you doing? You want to meet up? You're always so busy these days … I barely catch you."
I've been avoiding you for your own good, don't you get that? Being around you … being around you is too distressing. If we can ever be friends, I can't be around you right now. I have to wait until I can control my heart—I have to wait until my emotions don't control my mind.
"Sorry. Summer job and everything is keeping me busy."
"Where are you working? You never told me."
Do I want to tell him? What if he shows up without warning?
"Are you okay, man, really?" he asked after a few heartbeats passed without a sound from me.
I approached a park. In the rain, I was the only one here. Memories flooded my mind and left a bitter taste in my mouth. I came here with my parents … except, they weren't my parents, were they? What the fuck is this? Squinting, I grew irritated at the tears filling my eyes. They loved me—they did dumb fucking shit like this with me all the time growing up—didn't that make them my parents? Who cared if they weren't my flesh and blood? Who cared if I wasn't really their son?
"Where are you, man? I'll come to you," Jasper said after a few more moments of silence from me.
Sitting down on one of the swings, seat slick from the rain, I closed my eyes and pushed myself back and forth. I did want him with me, but what would that mean for us? I'd selfishly take his comfort and then would selfishly push him away. In the end, I would feel worse. Was instant gratification worth the pain I would experience later? Was it worth the pain it would cause him?
"I'm at a park," I answered before I could think anymore.
"The one by your place?"
Of course, he knew it. We'd come here together before.
"Yep."
"It's raining, though. Are you just sitting out there?"
"Yep."
He was silent for a moment, before answering, "I'll be there in a few. I'll bike over."
I didn't know what to say and, apparently, he didn't know what to say either. Awkwardly, we ended the call in unison. I stared at the screen for a moment, allowing the appearance of his name to comfort me before the screen turned to black. Then, I only saw my reflection. My features were distorted as they mirrored in the screen of my phone. Strangely, this version of me seemed corrected—dark, distorted, and disturbed. The reflection felt as out of whack as I felt.
I slid the phone back into my pocket, not bothering to worry about the damage the dampness could cause as I began to swing. I should feel carefree at a time like this, however, I felt heavy. The weight crumpling down on me seemed impossible to lose. Maybe I didn't want to lose it? How would I feel being weightless, anyway? Then, I'm sure I really wouldn't feel like myself.
"Edward!"
Slowly, I turned my gaze to find Jasper biking toward me. He was out of breath, drenched, and flushed on his cheeks and neck. The hood of his sweatshirt must have fallen when he was riding over here, causing his curly hair to be slick against his head, looking straighter than I had ever seen it. I captured this image of him in my mind, committing it to memory. In this moment, he was fucking beautiful. Bright-eyed and fucking beautiful. I had committed many images of him to memory but for some reason, I felt like this image would stick the most.
"Yo," I answered, lifting a limp hand to wave.
He rolled his bike to a stop before hopping off and dropping the kick stand. Leaving it on the sidewalk, he approached me, considering my expression as he searched for the right words to say. He opened his mouth, closed it, and instead of speaking, decided to sit beside me on the vacant swing.
"You look rough," he said tactlessly, his smile saving me from cringing.
"I've had a rough fucking summer," I answered, so quietly, I wondered if he heard me.
He did. Over the harsh sound of the rain against the ground around us, he found a way to reach me.
"Why don't you talk to me about it, then? Since graduation, we haven't hung out once."
"You've been busy with Alice," I said without thinking, shrinking at the sound of jealously in my tone.
"Yeah, well, she's my girlfriend," he replied with a chuckle. "But that doesn't mean I can't hang out with my friends. What kind of relationship would that be?"
I shrugged, feeling stupid.
"Alice has been asking about you lately. She said that every time she runs into you, you seem weird."
"Wow, thanks," I said sarcastically, although, I knew exactly what she meant by "weird." I had been acting freaking odd around her. But, how should I treat a girl whose boyfriend I'm in love with? If I acted like her friend now, wouldn't that be worse in the end?
"She didn't mean anything bad by it. I think she's worried that you don't like her or something. I assured her that wasn't the case but now that you're never around, I'm not sure she believes me."
"I'm sorry," I replied half-heartedly.
"Don't be. I know you've had your own mess going on."
"Yeah."
"Did … did something happen today?"
"You mean, why the hell am I hanging outside in the storm? Something bad has to 've happened?"
He shrugged. "I don't know? You just wanted to get sick and skip out on work?"
He smiled and I rolled my eyes.
"I don't know if I can talk about it."
I looked at him while I spoke, watching his eyes widen before his brows creased.
"I thought we could talk about anything?"
He sounded offended.
"This is too fucked."
He was silent for a moment before he let go of the chain on the swing and reached forward with his right hand to capture my left. My eyes widened and my back straightened as I held onto a breath. I knew it was only a friendly gesture, I knew he didn't care for me like I did him, but I still allowed my imagination to wonder for a moment. And, in that moment, I felt free enough to tell him.
"I was adopted."
His grip tightened. I didn't look at his face, but I could easily imagine what it looked like: wide, shiny eyes, raised brows, dropped jaw, and flushed cheeks. It was the way he always looked when he felt at a loss for words.
"How—how did you find out?"
"What do you mean? My parents told me, that's how I found out." I paused for a moment, and then a sardonic laugh escaped me. "Can I even call them that anymore? I mean, they aren't really my parents."
"They're still your parents, man."
I couldn't control it anymore. I didn't want to. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over, mixing with the rain drops on my cheeks. As the tears feel, my jaw began to relax and my tense muscles calmed enough for my teeth to stop grinding together. While crying, my jaw continued to shift back and forth, repeating the grinding motion despite my rows of teeth being millimeters apart.
Jasper let go of my hand, causing my jaw to clench again. I almost cried out like a fucking baby before he wrapped his right arm around my shoulder and, despite the chains between us, pulled me close. The chains of our swings tangled together as our feet stopped moving. Turning my head, I cried into his sweatshirt, allowing the gentle rise and fall of his right shoulder to comfort me.
"I'm fucked up, aren't I?" I said against his shoulder.
I felt him shake his head.
"No, dude. Not at all. Not at all, I would never think that 'bout you."
"Why would they leave me behind, then? Why would she leave me?"
He shook his head again.
"I don't know, man. Maybe they thought they were doing right by you."
"They weren't!" I cried out, nearly doubling over as pain coursed through me.
The two people who brought me into this world were unknown to me—strangers. I knew I was lucky to have my folks back at home—I appreciated them more and more every day—but, that didn't stifle the desire to meet my blood.
"Maybe one day, you'll find them," Jasper said hopefully, bending his head down to rub his cheek back and forth against my hair, similarly to the way my mother would when I was much younger.
I froze, enjoying the feel of him too much. Despite the pain I was going through, despite the conflicting emotions raging inside of me, I still burned for him. Sometimes, the desire made me feel like I was losing my mind. I couldn't be normal to yearn for a person this much.
"Even if you don't find them, aren't you happy right now."
Right now, I was happy. With Jasper's arm around me, how couldn't I be?
I was too numb to think. Gently, I raised my head, causing him to draw back. Wordlessly, I gazed at him. As he stared back at me, I found confliction dancing in his eyes. Knowing a moment like this wouldn't come again, I wanted to relish in it. Right now, I hated everything. I hated my birth parents for abandoning me, I hated the only parents I had ever known for waiting until now to tell me the truth, and, most importantly, I hated myself. Every day, I hated myself.
I hated myself for lying to everyone.
I hated myself for driving away my best friend.
I hated myself for the destruction I caused in my life, and the lives of others.
I hated myself for being here.
Although, when I looked at Jasper, that hate lessened. It turned into a dull pain I could contain. Looking into his eyes, I saw the version of myself I wanted most to be. I believed I saw that version, because it was how he pictured me. He didn't see my flaws, he saw his best friend. That's why, I hated myself for what I was about to do. Following my heart, I knew he would change his view of me.
He may hate me, too.
However, my face still titled toward him—my lips still moved forward, searching for his. I moved slowly and, probably confused, he didn't pull away. He watched me with guarded eyes and an open expression. I looked at him one last time, memorizing this image too, before I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his.
His mouth was better than I imaged it. Soft in places and rough in others. He didn't respond to my kiss but in the moment, I didn't care. As my lips moved, I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted his love, sure, but also, for a moment, I didn't want to feel alone in this world. Maybe my kissing him was selfish? Maybe I was a masochist, turned on by unrequited love. In this moment, I didn't care about what the reason behind my actions was. I was too mystified by the fact he had yet to pull away.
I savored the kiss a moment longer before ending it. Too afraid, I didn't look at him. I imagined what his face would look like instead. I pictured his features twisted with disgust and confusion and anger and … I stopped, not wanting to envision it any longer.
"What was that?" he said, his voice dead.
I rose from my swing, nearly tripping as my legs were numb. I walked a few steps away, putting a safe distance between us, before I responded.
"I don't know … I just felt like it, I guess," I mumbled, staring at my beat-up kicks.
"What do you expect me to say?" he questioned.
"Nothing. I don't expect anything." Kicking gravel, I continued, "I'm heading back. Sorry I fucked up your night."
"Edward—"
Raising a hand, I interrupted him. "Don't get all weird, dude. Just let it go. I'm sorry, okay? I'm just so freaking confused right now."
I was confused about a lot of things but I was never confused about my feelings toward him.
After that, he didn't say anything. I walked him in the rain, wondering if I would ever see Jasper again. I messed up tonight. I shouldn't have blurred the lines between us. He would never look at me the same way again. Right now, he could be wondering if I was some sort of closet freak or some shit like that. With tears in my eyes, I don't know how I made it home.
What will I do tomorrow? After today, I'm completely exposed … I'll never go back to the guy I was before … The person I was yesterday is a stranger. Who am I now? Who will I be tomorrow?