Personal Journal of Trooper CT-4738
"Cinch"
Coruscant - Home
19:47 hours
Sometimes it feels like a thousand tiny needles stabbing me from the inside. It feels like my chest constricts, and then a wave of needles rolls through my body. It feels numb too. And cold. And tears come, even if I don't want them to, even if I try to fight it. And sometimes my chest hurts so much that I make this whimpering noise. I can't help it.
Medically, there's nothing wrong with me. (Except for the burns, of course. And the eye. But I don't have any diseases or anything, so there's "nothing wrong with me.") But I get like this sometimes. This aching, shooting wave of pain. And it feels like there's this great emptiness on the other side. Like I ride it out, and then after it's gone there's nothing. Just, nothing. Void. Until another round hits. I know it's something, something wrong. I know I'm not supposed to feel like this. I never felt like this before. I wasn't defective before.
(Clearly I am now. Guess I'm just lucky the GAR kicked me out instead of putting me down.)
I've been in my room most of the day. I don't want the other guys to see me like this. I hope they can't hear it when I end up whimpering; I don't want them to know why I'm in here. Hopefully they think I'm just tinkering with something.
I'm not even tinkering with something. I could be doing that, but I'm not. I can't seem to find the energy. I don't know why; it's like I don't even care. I like doing that, but it feels like… I don't know, like it's not what I need, or something. I'm just…lonely. I feel like I want to talk to someone, get to know someone, care about someone. And have someone care about me. I want to be alone, but I also want to be with someone. I can't explain it. I feel like I'm missing something that I'm supposed to have. Like it's not that I just want it; more like there's an empty place where it should be. I don't know.
I hope we get another mission soon. I don't know how much more sitting around I can do. But at the same time, I don't know if I could function right now. It's…scary. Writing that down. It scares me. Why am I like this? How did this happen?
I don't want to write anymore.