Undisclosed Desires

"Tell me something," she breathed, closing her eyes as Alex hummed beside her. The other had told her amazing stories, some of which were from real life experiences. Piper suspected that all of them were, but the raven haired woman hadn't explicitly told her so. Only sometimes did she say that the story about to be told was based on things she had been through. The other woman had been to so many places, many times due to work, and she had seen so many things whereas the blonde was pretty much stuck in New York. Sometimes she went to the Hamptons, but that was as far as she went. It was different when she was a kid. Growing up, she used to go to Italy with her family. They had a house in the south, backyard facing a vineyard. Carol fancied herself as the owner of it, but in reality, that was only half of the truth. She became co-owner, or more like, she got part of her foot in the company, when she befriended the man the land belonged to. When back in the states, she boasted about 'her wine' and claimed that the man had little to no part in the company, that he simply looked over the production while she was away. Piper had been a good daughter, of course, and spread that lie to everyone they knew. It didn't take long before Carol was known as a respectable wine maker in their community. What a load of bullshit. She opened her eyes again and turned her gaze towards the raven haired woman.

"Yes! Oh my God, there was this one time with a friend. I have to tell you this." Alex's whole face lit up and if that wasn't the most beautiful thing Piper had ever seen... She wanted to reach out and touch the other's cheek, stroke it and maybe kiss it, kiss her. Those thoughts were dangerous, but they had occupied her mind for a few weeks, keeping her up some nights when the only things she could see when closing her eyes were red lips and green eyes. So green. The blonde watched as the other woman's mouth moved, forming words that fell upon deaf ears. There was something about a broken toaster and glue, but the rest distorted into some sort of make believe language, only amused words to keep her company while she faded in and out of sensibility. She wanted to be happy with the other woman, laugh with her, but her mouth was dry and her throat closed up, keeping her from joining in. It was hard for her to find amusement in sentences she couldn't understand, but Alex's lovely laughter filled her eardrums and it was a catchy sound. Piper couldn't bring herself to muster up the energy to laugh. Her whole body protested and she felt so heavy, like she was weighed down by cement blocks, tied to every limb. She was drowning without water, being dragged down to the ocean floor to be left there, dry heaving while her lungs filled with dust. Her ears told her that she was breathing normally, but her organs told a different story, feeling like they were about to crumble from being too dry. Piper met the other woman's gaze, Alex smiling widely. She returned the smile as best as she could, genuinely trying to look convincing as to not make the other's mood falter. The last thing she wanted was to be the one to make that beautiful smile fade away.

"I think you would like Nicky. She's a good person," the raven haired woman said, smile turning into a small, private one. Piper couldn't help the sting of jealousy puncturing her already weak lungs. It was like deflating a balloon, completely emptying it of air, squeezing the last bit of oxygen out of it. Out of all the moments for her to regain her hearing, it had to be when Alex spoke so fondly of another woman. Maybe she was her girlfriend. Christ, the blonde didn't even know if the raven haired woman was lesbian or even bisexual.

"Yeah," she managed, voice sounding hoarse. Alex leaned back, making herself comfortable in the pillowy sofa. Piper watched her profile, swallowing thickly as she couldn't keep her eyes from straying to the soft-looking lips. If she could just taste... Just once. Something in the other woman's posture changed, like she sagged down a little, chest rising and sinking again with a loud sigh. Alex wet her lips, swallowing just as thickly as Piper had just moments earlier.

"Pipes?" the other asked suddenly, voice sounding restrained, all traces of happiness gone. There was a pause, the blonde slightly scared to hear what was to be said. The atmosphere in the room seemed darker, like a sunset fading into the night sky. Piper could feel her body absorbing the dark color, painting her insides, making her exhale blue. She nodded slowly, breathing out a low "Yeah?"

"I just want you to know that I really wanna kiss you." The words sounded thick, heavy. She should have felt warm, red and orange, but the weight of the words spread black lead in her veins, making her sink into the sofa like a stone in water. There was an itch in her fingers, a surge in her stomach. She wanted to reach out to Alex, grab her face and just give in. The raven haired woman wanted to kiss her. The information was too much. It was exactly what she wanted to hear, but now that the words were out there, hung in the air between them, she wanted to have it unheard, unsaid. She'd gotten information that she could do nothing with. She couldn't do anything with the other woman and it ached to think about it. It hurt to know that Alex was within reach, but somehow Larry stood between them without being there.

Piper couldn't answer, couldn't tell the other woman that she wanted the same thing.

She leaned down, resting her head on the raven haired woman's shoulder. Alex stiffened, but relaxed after just a few seconds, seemingly leaning into Piper's touch just as easily as Piper leaned into hers. The other sighed again, sounding exhausted. They had known each other for a little short of five months, both being completely comfortable with each other despite only meeting up for the blonde to get high. There was never anything more to their meetings, except for the stories. She knew more about Alex than most people she had known her whole life and yet she couldn't say what her favorite food was or what her last name was. And Alex knew nothing about her, nothing but the few truths the magazines wrote. Most shit written online or in physical copies was made up bullshit, but it looked good, never one to cause scandals. Oh, if the citizens of New York could see her now.

I just really wanna kiss you.

The words spun around in her head, making her dizzy, nauseous even. She could kiss the other woman and she wouldn't complain, wouldn't push her away. She wouldn't be denied. There was something so comforting about that, like her feelings suddenly weren't that awful. But they were, is the thing. Piper was still very much engaged to Larry, still very much obliged to marry him.

The solidity of the other's shoulder kept her calm, kept her from throwing up.

There were just too many thoughts swirling around in her mind, forcing her to shut her eyes. The bright little dots painting the inside of her eyelids felt like lucky stars, like they would grant her wishes if she concentrated hard enough. Piper wished for a happy ending, for freedom, for raven hair and green eyes.

The thing about stars is that they're already dead before the light reaches the human eye.

She felt a firm hand around hers, squeezing it like a silent promise of something Piper couldn't understand. It didn't matter, though, as it was Alex. Alex who always was there to comfort her, like a lighthouse guiding her when she was led astray. Alex who was the only constant thing in her life that made sense.

Everything didn't make sense, though. The other woman was a sinker, dragging her down under the surface and drowning her, but at the same time she was a bobber, keeping her afloat, alive. She was torn apart and yet she willingly jumped into the unknown water, chains around each arm and pulled in separate directions. On one hand, Alex had saved her from a life of loneliness, had showed her exactly what she wanted. But on the other hand she had made Piper more aware of how miserable she actually was when playing hetero. Without the other woman, she could have went on with her life of play pretend, ignored the urge inside her to be with women. But now that she had met Alex, that urge had awoken, a thirst that was impossible to quench. If only her dealer had been a man, she wouldn't be in a situation where she was so close to cheat on her fiance.

I just want you to know that I really wanna kiss you.

Piper swallowed thickly, gladly noticing that her mouth wasn't as dry as it felt just minutes ago. She opened her eyes, vision blurry as she had squeezed them so hard for so long. How long? Minutes, maybe hours. Probably not the latter, but she couldn't tell, too preoccupied by the whirlwind of words raging in her head.

Me too.

There were not enough words in the dictionary that could describe how badly she wanted to answer the other woman's statement. Not enough words in any dictionary. If it wasn't so damn complicated, if her life wasn't the way it was, she would have kissed the raven haired woman already.

I want to kiss you too.

The blonde nuzzled closer to the other, squeezing her hand right back. It was supposed to be somewhat reassuring, but it probably felt more like a panicked move, like she clutched onto the hand as if it was her lifeline. It kind of was. Without it, she would drift away into insanity, giving into the inevitable darkness that followed. There was no other outcome for her and she had begun to accept that. She couldn't hold onto Alex forever and when she let the other woman go, there was nothing left for her. Her body would live on, a shell that would act like a model citizen, a good mayor with a good husband and a good life. But her soul would be gone, diminished.

She had always been one for dramatic thoughts, but it didn't even feel exaggerated this time. Her soul was dying and there was nothing she could do about it. In the end, she would have to break her deal with the raven haired woman and move on, break all ties. She would marry Larry and that was that.

Despite those thoughts, there was still a sliver of hope in her that refused to die.

I want to kiss you too, Alex.

"I want to-" she interrupted herself, squeezing the other woman's hand even harder. Alex shifted, forcing the blonde to sit up straight. They gazed into each other's eyes, Piper feeling the soft stroke of the other's thumb over her knuckles. It would be so easy to just confess, to take the leap into the unknown, fall head first and just... Her eyes flickered down to the taller woman's pink lips. They looked so full and soft, so tempting. She wanted to bite that bottom lip, taste it. She wanted to kiss it raw.

"I want..." It was dangerous of her to think about such things, but Alex was so close to her, so close. Piper felt her heart in her throat, beating so hard that the other woman probably heard it too. If she did, she didn't say anything, just waited for the blonde to continue. She looked so hopeful, eyes shining in a way she had never seen before.

Take my heart. It's yours.

"I want to hear another story, please." The other woman's posture changed just the slightest, shoulders sinking a little and chest deflating, like Alex had actually held her breath as she awaited the rest of the sentence. Piper had let her down.

"Of course," the raven haired woman told her, shifting again to lean against the back of the sofa. The blonde hesitated for a second before she made herself comfortable as well, head against the other's shoulder. Alex didn't relax into it this time, frigid as if a stranger sat next to her, even let go of Piper's hand. It hurt more than anything that night. She didn't want to say goodbye just yet, it was too soon. Alex wasn't supposed to be the one to leave. Piper was. Piper was supposed to break the contact and she wasn't ready for that. She was selfish and she wanted things to continue. At least a little longer.

Please stay.

AN: I want to thank all of you who have read, followed, favorited and left a review. It means so much to me and I love reading your amazing messages.

The next chapter is so much longer than what I usually put up, so much longer, and I just want to prepare you for that. I don't know when I'll upload it as I'm going away for about a week, but I'll have access to internet so we'll see if I get the time.

Again, thank you so much for everything.

All the love. xx