It will be amazing, truly, if anyone bothers to read this. Good luck to you.

Alexander Skarsgard: I'm Alexander Skarsgard. I live here in Hogsmeade village with my roommate, Flo Rida and his girlfriend Yasi. I am a Squib, but no one knows except for Flo Rida, who is basically a Muggle because he dropped out of Hogwarts in his second year. We work in the kitchen at Merlin's. Yasi works at a Muggle fashions store called Marc Jacobs.

(Flo Rida and Yasi enter)

Flo Rida: Girl, did I ever tell you that you spin my head right round right round? Oh, hey Alexander.

Alexander Skarsgard: Hey guys. I'm about to head to Merlin's, Pacey asked me to come in early to stock the Butterbeer and Firewhiskey.

Yasi: Flo Rida, do you have to go in early too?

Flo Rida: No sugar, I got tonight off so I could take you out for your birthday.

Alexander Skarsgard: Yasi and Flo Rida kind of make everyone around them want to throw up all the time because he talks so cutesy to her. Yasi used to resist it, but now she just gives into it and tries to laugh.

Flo Rida: Baby you so sweet you givin me a mouthful of cavaties.

Yasi: Okay.

Alexander Skarsgard: Alright guys, I think that's my cue. See you later tonight.

(Alexander Skarsgard exits)

Yasi: So what are we doing tonight?

Flo Rida: Whatever you want, candygirl. Dancing, drinking, movies, cosmic bowling, you name it, it's yours.

Yasi: Can we just order pizza and stay in? And watch Spanish soap operas with the sound off while making up our own dialog? And then have lots of hot sex?

Flo Rida: Babygirl, that right there is why I'm stuck on you like an ele-elevator.

Yasi: What? That doesn't even make sense.

Flo Rida: You got me sprung like a toaster.

Yasi: Nice Muggle appliance reference.

(They kiss)

END SCENE

Clive Owen: Being Student Body President at Hogwarts University sure does give me a lot of responsibilities. I have to oversee all the freshmen as they move into Hufflepuff Hall, and lead a seminar on the college's rules and academics! And now I have to deal with my crazy cousin, on top of all of this? This year sucks already.

(Ian Somerhalder enters)

Clive Owen: Where the hell have you been? I've been checking your room every few hours to see if you deigned to grace us with your presence. Why didn't you come check in with me?

Ian Somerhalder: Oh shit, sorry Mom. I just got here like an hour or two ago. Don't worry, I haven't exploited any of your precious wizard students yet.

Clive Owen: Look Ian, I know it's been a rough couple of years for you, but you can't take that out on the people here. All these witches and wizards are here to get a magical education. I don't know why you would even be here if you didn't want the same thing.

Ian Somerhalder: Well, home was getting pretty boring, with everyone else going off to school, or rehab.

Clive Owen: Not Azkaban?

Ian Somerhalder: Fuck off. I don't know anyone stupid enough to get landed in Azkaban.

Clive Owen: Yeah well, you try to push your little drugs here, that's exactly where you will end up. There's dementors all over the village at Hogsmeade, and if you try to go into the woods or alleys to conduct any shady business, that's where they will find you, I guarantee it.

Ian Somerhalder: Dude. I know you are supposed to be all presidential, but give me a freaking break. I've known you since we used to play Death Eaters and Aurors. Don't bullshit me. I'm not gonna cast any shadows on your mighty empire, chill.

(Kate enters)

Kate: Oh, hey Ian. Clive, I was just wondering if Jenna has checked in yet? I don't know if she's here, but I am locked out of the bathroom and I'd really like to take a shower, so could you let me in?

Clive Owen: She's coming later tonight. She developed an allergy to Floo Powder and had to travel by train. I'll see if I can find the bathroom key.

Ian Somerhalder: Well, I think I'll leave you crazy kids to it.

Clive Owen: If you decide to take anything seriously, you know where to find me.

Ian Somerhalder: Yeah I'll just climb up into your ivory tower. Got it. Peace the fuck out.

(Ian Somerhalder exits)

Kate: Are you okay? That sounded kind of intense.

Clive Owen: Yeah, my cousin is just kind of a dick. I'm not crazy about him being here.

Kate: Well, to be fair, he's probably just young and immature. We were all like that once. He'll grow out of it.

Clive Owen: Yeah, I hope so. Right, you needed a bathroom key. Well I am totally disorganized right now, I have no idea where it is. I'm sorry.

Kate: Oh, that's okay. I can just shower later.

Clive Owen: No, that sucks, just use my shower. It's a really nice shower, since I'm the student body president. Very spacious.

Kate: Oh…no….really? I probably should like…wait…or something…are you sure?

Clive Owen: Really, it's no big deal. My fault for misplacing the key to your bathroom.

Kate: Well, okay…um, I guess I will go get my towel and stuff….and come back.

Clive Owen: Sounds good, I'll be here.

(Kate exits)

Kate: Oh my fucking Jesus and God, holy shitballs, I have got to find Misa and Laura!!

END SCENE

Laura: Misa and I have been roommates for two years now. We're both half bloods, but Misa was raised in a wizarding neighborhood, and I grew up in a Muggle neighborhood. That's probably why I like dogs so much. I think that when I graduate from Hogwarts, I want to be an animal healer. Or a professional basketball player. Or open a winery. Or write a mystery novel series. Or-

(Kate enters)

Kate: Ohmygod you guys Clive Owen just invited me to shower in his room! And I said okay!! Holy shit what do I do!?

Laura: I guess I could be a travel guide in sub-Saharan Africa. Wait, hold up, what now? Clive Owen wants to give you a golden shower?

Misa: That is all kinds of wrong. And you said okay?

Kate: Yeah, I've decided to just go for it and let Clive Owen pee on me. (Author's note: I totally would.) Hello, he told me I could shower in his room! I got locked out of my bathroom and now I'm supposed to go shower! In Clive Owen's shower! Now! I told him I was going to get my stuff! Shit!

Laura: Well, this couldn't be any clearer. He wants on.

Misa: Let's not be too hasty. Did it seem like a come on?

Kate: Well…I mean, it's Clive Owen. Not really. I think he was just offering because he felt bad that he lost my bathroom key. But what if he thinks I take too long of showers? Or too short? What if he is allergic to my shampoo and goes into anaphylactic shock when the fumes waft out? What if he thinks I look ugly with wet hair?

Laura: All good questions. Do people really look ugly with wet hair? It was so hot in The Notebook.

Misa: Uh, no. Those are not good questions. You look fine with wet hair. Even if he is just doing this to be nice, you totally have to go for it. Who knows when you will get another chance to be in Clive Owen's shower?

Kate: That is a really good point. And he did say it's a really nice shower.

Laura: Do you want to borrow my lucky paw print towel?

Kate: Maybe next time. I'm just gonna take my regular one this time around. Wish me luck!

Misa: Good luck!

Laura: I can't believe she didn't want to borrow my lucky paw print towel. Well, if Clive Owen turns out to be repulsed by regular towels but very turned on by whimsical ones, I guess it's just her loss.

Misa: I wonder if Ian Somerhalder has used that shower.

END SCENE

Kate: Okay, I've got my towel, I've got my shower basket, I've got flip flops. Should I have brought extra clothes? Shit, I can't believe I'm going to the top of Ravenclaw Tower in a towel. I'm totally going to trip and flash everyone. Oh, Sweet Jesus. I hope Clive Owen is still in his room.

(Kate knocks on Clive Owen's door)

(Clive Owen opens the door)

(Kate enters)

Clive Owen: Oh, I see you found a towel. Well…good! The shower is just through there. Have fun! I mean, don't slip and drown. I mean…well, I'll just be out here doing work.

Kate: Um, okay.

(Kate goes into the bathroom and shuts the door)

Kate: Clive Owen is acting a little weird. Maybe this was a come on! Or maybe he is afraid I think it was a come on. I should not have come up here in my towel. That was dumb. Shit. This is so embarrassing.

Clive Owen: I totally did not expect her to come up in a towel! Well of course she did, duh, she's taking a shower. In my shower. Naked girl in my shower. She's probably naked right now. Dude, shut up, she's your friend. And she looked super uncomfortable, she probably thinks you are coming onto her. Way to be a creeper, Clive.

Kate: I wonder if he is listening to me take a shower. What if I sound weird in the shower? What if he thinks I shower weird? What if he decides to bust in and do me right here in the shower?

Clive Owen: Okay, I'm doing work, not thinking about naked girl in shower. Not thinking about boobs. Just freshmen housing. And academic schedules. No wet, sudsy boobs of any kind. Fuck.

Kate: I can't believe Clive Owen is just sitting out there while I'm in here, naked, taking a shower. This is kind of hot. Do these shower heads detatch?

Clive Owen: No way am I getting a hard on because there's a naked girl in my shower. You hear me, Clive Owen Jr? Not. Happening. I know it's been a while for you, but I have a lot of responsibilities right now. I really don't need your input.

Kate: Thank god I'm almost done in here. This is so weird.

Clive Owen: Man this is weird.

Kate: Phew! That was a great shower, too bad I couldn't enjoy it at all. Oh crap, there's no bathmat. Typical guy. I hope I don't slip on the wet floor –

(Kate slips on the wet floor)

Kate: Fuck! Shit fuck shit balls fuck shit balls!

Clive Owen: Kate? Are you okay?

Kate: Yeah, I'm fine, just slipped. You should really get a bathmat.

Clive Owen: Oh, that totally explains why I always slip getting out of the shower.

(Kate emerges from the bathroom)

Clive Owen: Are you hurt at all? Sorry my shower tried to kill you.

Kate: I'm good man, I just hit my head a little bit. Trust me, this is nothing out of the ordinary. It's a rare day that some inanimate object or another isn't trying to kill me.

Clive Owen: Well, okay. Let me know if I can get you anything.

Kate: Actually, the key to my bathroom would be great, so I don't have to keep risking my life in your shower.

Clive Owen: Of course, I'll get right on that.

Kate: Cool. Thanks for letting me use your shower.

Clive Owen: No problem. You can use it anytime.

Kate: Oh..thanks. Well, hopefully I won't have to.

Clive Owen: But if you do, don't hesitate to ask.

Kate: Okay, well, I'm going to go back to my room and get dressed.

Clive Owen: Hogwarts does discourage nudity. As student body president, I can confirm that.

Kate: Right. Well, thanks again. See you later.

Clive Owen: Yep. See you later.

(Kate leaves)

Clive Owen: Oooookay. That was really weird. Also, she looks really cute with wet hair. Back to work, Clive.

Kate: What. Just. Happened. Shit, my head hurts.

END SCENE