A/N I'm just going to put a blanket trigger warning here, I'd gander that every chapter after this will probably have a trigger (I assume, I don't know much about triggers but better safe than sorry, right? end ramble here.) P.S. Thankssomuch for the reviews and favorites and alerts, they fill me with bubbles of joy!
That's not to say that she didn't feel bad about it as she lied to Brittany and said she had to go into the firm for some emergency business. She felt horrible, just as she had in high school. She couldn't help it, she wanted to know what Sebastian wanted after all these years.
Surely it wasn't to resume their former relationship? She had heard that he had some famous boyfriend in Hollywood. It would look bad if it got out that he was cheating.
Not that he had ever cared about cheating.
In any event, she found herself waiting in the dark and rundown parking garage that lie underneath her work. She looked at her phone. 9:59. Just like clockwork, a shiny, expensive car rolled into sight, parking a foot away from her. Out stepped the familiar figure of Sebastian Smythe.
"I see you got my message."
"Of course I did, not cut the pleasantries and tell me what you want," Santana snapped, crossing her arms. Sebastian wasn't perturbed by her bluntness. He wasn't perturbed by anything.
"I was of the impression that now that we're in the same area again that everything would proceed as it once did." He pulled open the backdoor of his shiny car, gesturing for her to get in.
"No, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm done lying to Britt. I'm done bending to your every will. If you want a sex slave you're going to have to find someone else." Santana was infuriated that he would even suggest something like that. She turned to leave.
"Maybe I should," Sebastian called, "In fact, I think I know the perfect person," Santana ignored him, "Brittany's a great dancer, isn't she?" Santana froze midstep. She whipped around.
"What do you mean, Britt's a great dancer?" she asked angrily.
"You've seen her dance. In fact, I should be asking you, is she any good in bed? She's a bit of a ditz, but I bet she's up for anything."
"Don't you dare touch Brittany," Santana spat out, advancing.
"Give me a reason not to." Sebastian jerked his head toward the still open car door. Santana's mouth moved soundlessly in rage. "Decide quickly, I don't have all night."
"No scars," Santana demanded.
"Excuse me?"
"Don't give me any scars, like you did last time." Sebastian considered it.
"I can't make any promises." He raised his eyebrows at her, pointedly looking at his watch.
She couldn't let this slime ball get to Britt. There was no way she would be able to handle it. Britt was special, she wouldn't understand what was happening.
Defeated, Santana marched into the back seat of the car, sitting and crossing her arms. Sebastian followed her, closing the door behind him. Santana was familiar with this. They were usually in cars. Every once in a great while Sebastian would ask her to meet at a hotel, but it was normally the backseat of his car.
"Don't be such a grouch and take off your panties," Sebastian grumbled as he undid his tie. Santana obliged, placing them delicately in her purse. As soon as she had done so, Sebastian was on her. She gasped slightly at the sudden contact, soon finding herself not wearing her favorite black suit.
Then the biting started. It always started with biting. Gentile at first, starting on her collarbone, but quickly progressing downwards. It wasn't until he reached her stomach that he started to draw blood. First with his teeth, her stomach muscles clenched as he penetrated her skin.
Then the nails. His hands were gripping tightly onto her hips, and those horrible, no wait, wonderful fake nails of his cut into her. Santana threw her head back in ecstasy as pinned her beneath him, thrusting rhythmically and assaulting her neck.
His nails dug deeper into her hips as he growled out a curse. When he started cursing was when he started to get really violent. It was when Santana had learned to go to her happy place. To "lie back and think of England" until it was over. It was easier that way. Then all she had to do was count the bruises later, she didn't have to remember every one. When Sebastian cursed was when she stopped enjoying it.
Soon it was over and she was able to regain her composure.
"Why do you even want this anyway, don't you have some sexy studdmuffin of a boyfriend?" Santana asked as she wiggled back into her underwear.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that our relationship involved feelings. Now get out of my car. I have places to be." He opened the door and quickly switched to the front seat as Santana took her time sliding out. The moment she slammed the door shut he sped away, leaving her alone in the dim light of the parking garage.
Once she was sure he had gone, she broke. Crumpling into a ball, she leaned against a pillar and sobbed into her knees.
She hated this. Every time she saw Sebastian this happened. The feeling of being used. The feeling of hating herself for cheating. Hating herself for lying. Hating herself for giving in. Hating herself for enjoying it.
She'd have a new scar tomorrow. She'd have to explain it to Brittany. She'd lie.
Morgan would ask about her sexual exploits. She'd lie.
She might see Sebastian tomorrow at lunch. She'd lie.
She hated lying. One of her best traits was always telling the truth. Most of the time people considered her a bitch. But that was ok, because at least she wasn't lying. To her, lying was the worst thing a person could do.
And now, because of Sebastian, she would have to lie to everyone. She remembered having to lie back in high school. It was the worst time in her life. Worse than coming out. Worse than law school.
She cried.
Granted, she did tend to cry when things went south. But not this kind. The silent, tears streaming down by the bucket-full, headache inducing, private cry. It wasn't something she enjoyed, it wasn't something that felt a fundamental need to do. It just happened. Time and time again, she cried.
xxx
She had held it in until she was back in the safety of her room. But once she flopped on her bed, she couldn't stop the downpour. Salty tears dripped into her mouth as she curled up under her comforter, not making a sound.
It was the first time she had felt the need to cry. The first time he had felt the need to watch her bleed. She rubbed the five little marks on her arm where his nails had been. Still fresh. Healed enough to stop bleeding, but open. Bare. Exposed.
At the time it had been fine. Just him getting more and more into it. Just part of the game.
But when it was over and she could still feel the sting of his nails, she couldn't suppress her feelings of guilt. How could she have gotten herself into this? Why did she agree to it? Especially with a guy as sleazy as Sebastian? Why couldn't she just have stayed home that night? Why did she follow the note? Why did she always screw up?
She curled up more into her comforter.
It wasn't right, what she was doing. She knew that. Every time she found a note from him she knew she shouldn't go. But she did anyway.
She cried because she went. She cried because she lied. She cried because she hated herself. She cried because she had no one to talk to.
But who could she tell? As far as she knew she and Sebastian were the only ones who knew about their exploits. No one would feel sorry for her. No one would understand why she went, hell she couldn't even understand it herself.
She was alone and she hated feeling alone, almost more than she hated hating herself. Before Sebastian had come into the picture, Brittany had made her feel safe and loved, she had filled her with a sense of togetherness. Then Santana had started lying. Those feelings went away and she was alone again. It was a terrible feeling.
xxx
Santana sucked in a ragged breath. That was so long ago. She was better than that now. She got up and dusted herself off. Crying wasn't going to solve anything. She mentally shook herself. She needed supplies.
Years ago when she had started this thing with Sebastian she had quickly realized that she needed to be able to hide the marks from the public unless she wanted plenty of awkward conversations.
So she went to her favorite cosmetics store. There was a specific cream that she had found that matched her skin perfectly. After purchasing that and ignoring the cashier's offer to get her to a better situation she went to the pharmacy. Band-aids, salves, birth control. Check, check, check.
Scarves. Easier and more fashionable than cover-up.
Then the final, and most important, item. Chocolate cake. The perfect remedy for any situation. With these items in hand she felt accomplished enough to face Brittany.
Taking a deep breath, she opened the apartment door.
"San! You're back! That didn't take nearly as long as I expected!" Brittany enveloped her in one of her trademark hugs.
"Ya, it wasn't that big of a problem. Look, Britt, I got us some chocolate cake!" Brittany's eyes lit up.
"Yuuuummm," she said taking the cake and bringing it directly to the table.
"Hey Britt?"
"Ya, San?"
"I love you."
"I love you too. Now help me cut this."