Disclaimer: I own none of Hideaki Sorachi's characters, nor do I own the concept of a Sougou and Sadaharu showdown. I have owned dango in the past. But then I ate them.
Rated: Teen for implications and Hijikata's favorite adjective for Sadaharu.
Summary: Beware of things that look kind of cute but really aren't.
A/N: I realize Sougou got chewed on during the cherry-watching episode, but I think it was just because he wasn't trying.
Monsters
(inspired by a snippet of doujinishi)
When Sadaharu breaks loose (meaning Kagura is asleep and Gintoki and Shinpachi have both passed out from chew-related injuries) it's really because Katsura, standing outside the apartment and hearing injured groans within, opens the door and lets him out.
After Katsura recovers from having his head used as a chew toy, he picks himself up, staggers inside to survey the mangled bodies of the male members of the Freelancers (and is too much a gentleman . . terrorist . . . to peek in the bedroom to see where Kagura-chan is) and with a certain sense of wicked glee, picks up Gintoki's phone and calls a number.
"Yes," he says when the Shinsengumi operator answers, "I have to report a matter of civic urgency."
"What?" Hijikata groans. "The fucking dog again?"
"Come on, Toshi!" Kondo says cheerily, because he's never met the fucking dog. "It'll be a nice change from chasing terrorists!"
"Can I bring the chain and collar?" Okita asks, eyes lighting up hopefully.
Hijikata shudders with repressed memories. "No," he says firmly. "Never again."
Watching Sahaharu go through an entire squad of Shinsengumi members is something akin to watching bowling. Sougou chomps thoughtfully on a stick of dango as the white dog bounds through the tightly massed men in black, tossing them joyously into the air. "Oh," he says, as they all hit the ground, "a strike!"
"Sougou," growls Hijikata next to him, "quit eating and get down there! But first get this fucking collar off me!"
"That's not what you said that night," Sougou points out, methodically chewing the dango.
"Yes it was."
"Oh, that's right. I forgot. Ooooo, another strike!"
"Which squad?"
"10, I think."
Hijikata sighs. "Well, that's all right then."
Yamazaki creeps diligently through the park, keeping an eye out for anything suspicious, like a huge white psychotically bloodthirsty alien dog.
Funny, you'd think it would have been easy to find. The screams from the 10th squad have all stopped now, however, and the park is covered in an eerie silence.
Suddenly, there is a feeling of motion behind him and then everything goes dark and painful.
His badminton racket falls uselessly to the ground.
"That was Yamazaki!" Kondo cries as he and Hijikata rush through the trees toward the slightly muffled scream of surprise and pain.
They both stop short at the sight of their spy staggering under the weight of a giant white malevolent devil dog.
"He didn't even have time to raise his racket," Kondo says in sympathetic awe.
"Kondo-saaan," Yamazaki whimpers piteously from inside the dog.
"Hold on, Yamazaki!" Kondo calls out reassuringly and draws his sword. "Toshi let's go!"
They charge. It might have gone better if Hijikata hadn't tripped over the flailing dog leash attached to his collar. But it probably wouldn't have.
Sadaharu has never had this much fun. He jumps up and down on the three prone figures for another minute or two, then bounds off to find more playthings in black.
"Naa, Toshi," Kondo wheezes after a while from the grass, "can we go back to chasing terrorists? You can still wear the collar if you want to."
Hijikata lights up a slightly mangled cigarette and ignores Kondo. "Yamazaki, you alive?" he calls out hoarsely.
"I think I . . . fell on my racket . . . " Yamazaki moans piteously.
Hijikata takes a long, seething pull on his smoke. "I hate fucking dogs," he says with great sincerity.
"Kondooooo-saaan, Hijikataaaa-saaaan, did everybody die already?" Sougou asks wonderingly, making his way through the battlefield littered with groaning Shinsengumi. He regards the fresh dango stick in his hand. "If everyone is dead, does that mean I get to be Commander?" he asks the candy.
Suddenly, the ground begins to shake and a chill wind sweeps the field of fallen warriors.
"Oh?" Sougou wonders, looking up, dango dangling from his mouth.
In the distance but closing rapidly is a large pale dog-shape blur. Bloodthirsty fangs gleam in the afternoon sun.
"Okita taichou," one of the men on the ground moans desperately, "run while you can! Don't worry about us; there's nothing anyone can do. That thing is a monster. Save yourself!"
"Hmmm," Sougou says non-commitedly, still more interested in the dango than the dog. Sadaharu looms larger and closer, teeth and eyes gleaming red in the lowering sun. The men on the ground shudder and curl into pitiful balls in anticipation of further pummelling.
Sougou doesn't move as Sadaharu gallops up. "Does he want my dango?" he theorizes. "Well, he can't have it. It's mine."
His eyes snap up to meet the lunging dog – and there is a long, paralyzing moment as Sougou and Sadaharu glare at each other with the full menace of their evillness.
Then, with a small mew of apology, Sadaharu's ears and tail droop and he lowers himself subjectively to the ground.
"I knew it," Hijikata mutters as he watches everyone in the immediate vicinity jump on the cowed pet. "He's even more psychotic than the psycho dog."
"That's our Sougou," Kondo beams proudly, slapping Hijikata on the back.
Hijikata grits his teeth as the collar jangles. "I wonder if the Freelancers want another pet . . . " he muses wistfully.
"What is THIS?" Shinpachi screams as he opens the door to find Sadaharu covered in twenty tons of rope, with a bill attached to his forehead for three dango, one badminton racket, 38 Shinsengumi uniforms, and 7 acres of park.
Katsura simply sips his tea and carefully files away the fact that in the right circumstances, Sadaharu can be more effective than even a bomb.
It is very far into the night before Hijikata finally gets the collar off.