Chapter 3---Carter and Hogan
Carter's jaw hung at Hogan's words that they would not spare four or five men to free three others. It hurt him deeply; more deeply than anything he ever thought something could. And what made it even more painful was that the words echoed from Colonel Hogan's own lips.
They were not going to try a rescue attempt. Carter was hoping he had heard wrong. I must've heard wrong. Colonel Hogan would never turn his back on one of his own men. He just wouldn't. But yet I just heard him say he had no plan to rescue Newkirk and he just turned down North Star's plan. What's going on? Boy, I never thought Colonel Hogan would do anything like that.
Carter, leaning against the dirt wall, tried not to look at his commander much less look him in the eye. He was so angry and the feeling of betrayal was evident on his face to anyone who paid attention. Carter was hoping Hogan would see his feeling of betrayal; he wanted him to see it. He wanted Hogan to see the pain he caused by refusing to rescue one of his own men that he claimed to care so much about and vowed to protect at all costs. The feeling of the pain he caused by refusing to save one of those men. He continued listening to Hogan and Myra talking and stared daggers at the colonel's back. He also made low noises with his voice that he knew Hogan couldn't hear, but hoped he somehow did. Carter wanted Hogan to hear his opinion so that he would know that Carter did not agree, nor approve, that he was displeased with his commanding officer and didn't want to serve under him anymore under any circumstances.
Hogan wrapped his arms around himself, well aware of the eyes of his men staring daggers into his back. He knew they were not only angry with and at him, but were probably disgusted with him and wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He thought they would understand; that they should understand since they claimed to know him so well.
But apparently they didn't know him as well as they claimed, else they wouldn't be thinking about him what they were right now. How could they believe I would turn my back on one of my men and leave him in the hands of the Gestapo? How could they even THINK such a thing?
Hogan nonetheless, continued with what he was doing, hoping he was masking the hurt feelings he had from their remarks. He knew exactly what he was doing and why. His gut was telling him this contact was all wrong; and his gut had never let him down yet. But his gut couldn't steer him away from the hurtful thoughts and words aimed at him by his men who probably now considered him the enemy. Guys, I'm not the enemy here; I'm not. I know what I'm doing. Why can't you see that? I know you don't mean those hurtful things you're saying, but still, your lack of faith and trust in me hurts worst than anything the enemy could do to me. I just thought you all knew me better than that. He swallowed the lump in his throat, blinked away the tears forming in his eyes, and bit his lower lip to keep it from trembling. He had to maintain control over his emotions right now. It was important that he did.
"Whatever the colonel says," Kinch remarked with a dirty look aimed in his direction. "It's his war."
Hogan's eyes momentarily met those of Kinch. That comment cut him to the quick, and for a brief moment Hogan's pain and hurt feelings could be seen in his eyes.
How could they think what they are of me? How?