I asked Rasha the next day if it was okay if Shay and Tiny could go to the movie with us on Friday. She smiled and replied, "Of course that's okay, Zoe! I'm just excited to hang out with you." Then she reached out and put her hand on my arm. I smiled back at her and we walked to class together.
On Friday, I texted her, "Can't wait for tonight! :)" She responded a minute later "Ditto!"
The 4 of us met at the movie theater in the mall at around 6. We bought popcorn and drinks and then I sat between Rasha and Shay. Tiny sat on the other side of Shay. At some point during the movie, I tried to hold Rasha's hand, but right when I moved my hand over, she grabbed some popcorn and then I felt awkward. Then when the movie ended, Tiny drove Shay home so I gave her a hug goodbye and said I'd text her later. Rasha and I were waiting for our rides, and when she was about to leave, I leaned in to kiss her. She backed up quickly, and said "Uhh, I'll see you in school on Monday, bye Zoe" before rushing away.
I was shocked. She told me she was excited for our date, and at school she usually seems like she likes me. But then she rejected me. When I got home I went into my bathroom and broke down. I slid my back down the wall until I was sitting and cried for a couple minutes. Then I took a deep breath and got out my razor blade. I hadn't used it in almost 3 weeks but I had to. I pulled up my sleeve and cut my arm.
1 cut for trying to kiss Rasha
another for thinking she would like me back
this one's for being gay
another for not being good enough for anyone
and 1 more for losing everyone I care about
I turned on the sink and rinsed off my arm. I winced as the water cleaned my new cuts. I sighed as I got out a band-aid from my cabinet, a routine that had been so familiar. I took off my makeup and changed into pajamas. I climbed into bed and texted Shay.
Me: Hey
Shay: Hi! How do u think it went with Rasha?
Me: Not great, she doesn't like me
Shay: What do you mean? She seemed like she was flirting with you before the movie started
Me: Nope, I was wrong
I wiped a tear off my cheek that I realized had fallen, then opened HastyGram. As I scrolled through my feed, I liked a pic Shay posted of her and Tiny, a selfie Frankie posted, and a throwback picture of Lola when her hair was pink. I smiled a little because I'm so glad that my new friends are happy. But then I thought about me. Everything in my life is so messed up. I don't know where my dad is, my mom hates me for being gay, and my old friends turned on me. I haven't been doing great in school and I cut again tonight. God, I'm such a screw-up.
I took a picture of my nails, but I made sure my scars and band-aids were visible. I posted it with the hashtag "manicure" and the nail polish emoji. My followers started liking it after a few seconds, then I read a comment that said "Stay strong beautiful" I shook my head and replied, "I'm not strong." They replied, "You are amazing!" I smiled, liked their comment, then closed my eyes and quickly drifted off to sleep.