I've had to up the rating due to the sheer amount of profanity I've used (and intend to use). Very glad to see that there are people enjoying this story – and I hope to cram in a truckload of even more fucked up shit (hah, making full use of the higher rating here) all for your reading pleasure.
Date Uploaded: 30 August 2009
Chapter 3: The Price of Beauty
After their little adventure with ODB and Cody Deaner, the Guns did need to spend the night in a cheap motel in order to wait for the banks to open the next morning. Of course the last room available in said motel was a tiny, crappy one with fungus growing in the bathroom and a single bed. After a lot of shoving, Chris and Alex agreed to toss a coin for the bed, which Chris ultimately won when he head-butted his buddy in the chest just as Alex threw the coin. Alex spent the night stretched out over two chairs.
In the morning Chris considerately woke his tag team partner up by kicking him off his already uncomfortable position. Within the next three hours they had gone to the bank, deposited the two grand in singles to a baffled teller, and headed to the airport and subsequently directly to their next job.
"You know, when you 'pencil in' these appointments, it would help if we actually had decent rest periods in between," Chris complained to Alex once they had touched down.
"Hey, at least you actually had some semblance of rest," Alex crankily snapped back at him. "I fell off a fucking tractor and then spent the night suspended between two chairs. I ache in places I didn't know I could – even my fucking taint is sore."
"Seeing as you were practically sitting on ODB's lap yesterday afternoon, I'm not surprised."
"Not funny, man, not funny," Alex growled at him, making Chris snicker.
Fortunately their next job took them right back to Tampa, Florida, where they would be able to make the next TNA iMPACT taping right afterwards. A cab ride later and the two of them ended up in front of SB Health and Beauty Spa.
"Dude, what the hell?" Chris said, confused.
"Hey, you wanted relaxation, right?" Alex said, a grin spreading on his face. "Maybe we can get some now, and get paid for it too." He patted Chris on the back and then entered the establishment. After a beat Chris followed him.
The Guns came to the reception area, where Alex took the opportunity to flash charming grins at the girls milling around, only to be stopped in their tracks by a shrill, familiar voice. "There you are! We're been waiting for over fifteen minutes for you two!"
Both Alex and Chris cringed, and then slowly turned around to come face to face with Velvet Sky and Angelina Love, collectively known as the Beautiful People, both of whom were wearing matching bathrobes and had towels wrapped around their heads. Despite the fact that they were, in essence, much easier on the eyes than their previous clients, the Guns gave them even more apprehensive looks than either ODB or Deaner. "You're our next suckers – I mean, clients?" Chris asked.
"If you mean we put in an appointment for your questionable services, then yes," Angelina said, putting her hands on her hips.
"Okay… so what are we doing at a spa?" Chris asked.
"You know what, we're paying good money for you, and we're not about to waste it babbling," Angelina said impatiently, and then motioned for the Guns to follow them. "Come on, we'll walk and talk – we're due for a facial in two minutes." She and Velvet walked off.
The Guns followed willingly enough. "Now listen, we're prepared to pay the full price for you two for as long as we need you for today," Velvet said as they walked. "You see, we have a bit of a problem."
"Shortage of push-up bras and hooker-worthy fishnet tights?" Alex ventured.
"We're not paying for wise-ass comments," Velvet snapped at him. "Now what I was saying was we're regular patrons of this spa. Unfortunately there are SOME PEOPLE," here she glared at a spa employee that they passed by, "Who are unable to do their frickin' jobs like they should, and instead of buckling down and working on their job skills and customer service, have instead refused to serve well-paying customers altogether."
"So in other words you've pissed off the spa staff and now nobody will put up with you," Chris observed.
"What did we say about wise-ass comments??" Angelina said, turning to glare at him.
"They come for free," Chris replied.
"So what are we here for exactly?" Alex asked.
The girls finally entered a room filled with mirrors with two beauty chairs and a table in the middle. Velvet and Angelina took a chair each. "What else?" Angelina said. "We've still paid for time and materials here, so you two are going to take the staff's place. So administer," she said, putting on the eye protectors, leaning back into her chair and motioning to her face.
Chris scowled. "What? No way!"
Alex quickly took him aside to whisper, "Hey, dude, listen, after the hell we went through with our first two jobs, this is going to be cake. What's the worst we have to do, slop some fruit mash on these girls' faces? Give them full body massages? Walk in the park, dude. Sure, we'll have to put up with their bitching and whining and bossing us around, but it's a small price, don't you think?"
"What are you clowns waiting for??" Velvet demanded. "Start on our facials NOW!"
Chris sighed. "Dear God, I hope you're right."
The boys went over to the table and saw that there were clear, glass bowls full of a whitish cream. "Just spread it over our faces – it's not rocket science," Angelina said.
"If so, then why don't you just do it yourselves?" Chris retorted.
Alex had picked up one of the bowls and began to apply it onto Velvet Sky. "Oh sick, this smells kinda awful," he commented. "What the shit is this?"
Chris had begrudgingly started to do the same to Angelina and made a face, wiping some of the stuff on his jeans. "Gross; this kind of smells like the gunk that was that shit that grew from your twelfth grade chemistry project," he said to Alex.
"For your information, it's sterilized nightingale droppings," Velvet said, her face almost completely covered with the stuff.
That made both of the Guns stop, Chris in mid-pour to Angelina Love's upturned face. "You're shitting us," Alex said in disbelief.
"It's a totally exclusive beauty treatment," Velvet defended. "We keep this lathered face mask on for fifty minutes every two weeks, and it gives us our bright, soft, perfect skin."
"You're telling me you pay this place top dollar to scoop bird shit onto your face twice a month?" Chris exclaimed in disgust, even as Alex tried to frantically shake some of the gooey white stuff from his fingers.
"What do you care? You said in your ad you would be happy to do anything," Angelina said, lifting one eye protector to glare at him. "So lather, peon!" and with that she snapped back into her ready position.
"We really need to look at that damn clause again," Chris groaned. Behind him Alex wiped the droppings from his fingers onto the table, nearly upset the bowl holding the foul contents and fell over trying to keep it from falling onto the ground.
***
As it was, the bird excrement wasn't the only exclusive treatment the Beautiful People took advantage of at the day spa. After the fifty minutes of keeping their unorthodox face masks on (during which they demanded the boys to massage their feet, much to the Guns' chagrin), they moved on to what they had planned next.
Angelina and Velvet led Alex and Chris to a room a floor down that held, surprisingly enough, large vats of ramen noodles. While the girls went to the changing rooms, the guys, probably out of boredom, curiosity and maybe a little bit of hunger, they went over to one of the vats, pulled a few strands of noodles and slurped it down. The girls re-entered just in time to see the two of them start flinging the noodles at each other, wherein they stopped them with shrill screams. Angelina then explained that the vats were essentially edible baths for spa patrons, at the same time that two overweight and disturbingly hairy women entered to use one of the other vats. This caused both Alex and Chris to run into the nearest bathroom to regurgitate whatever of the noodles they had sucked down. It so happened to be a ladies room, however, which caused an even bigger riot than it normally would have.
The girls did go through with their ramen noodle bath, while they sent the boys off to ensure that their towels and bathrobes were properly laundered, so whatever eyeful Alex was hoping to get he was disappointed.
"You know, for a place with a bunch of half-naked girls milling around, we've seen less boobie than we normally do during a WWE divas match," Alex commented, dumping the bathrobe he had carried into a laundry cart.
Chris didn't reply, and Alex turned around to see him still preoccupied with scraping his tongue clean with a free hand. "Dude, seriously, if I could somehow scrape my fucking throat with a Brillo pad, I would," he said. "What do you think those hags are going to make us do next?"
"With any luck, it would be throat scraping or some sort," Alex said with a grimace. "Who knew chicks did all of this weird, disgusting shit to look pretty? They could stick us with giving them colonics next."
"Gross," Chris said, giving him a horrified look. "Listen, not even for two grand an hour am I going to stick an enema up Angelina's asshole. God knows what the fuck else has been up there, anyway."
Alex thought about it. "Good point."
"I've got an idea," Chris sudden said, "Why don't we ditch them right now? I know we lose like an hour and a half of pay, but what's say we cut our losses before we end doing something we're really going to regret?"
Alex sighed and came over to put an arm on his shoulders. "Chris, Chris… if we do that, you do know what the first thing those evil skanks will do, right?"
"Throw a hissy fit because we took their robes and left them stewing naked in a vat of ramen noodles?"
"After that."
"Tell everybody that will listen about how we took their robes and left them stewing naked in a vat of ramen noodles?"
"Correct," Alex said. "That will seriously lower the integrity of our venture here if it gets out that we couldn't even tough it out through an afternoon with two silly blondes. Plus the guys in the back will never let us live it down, and I for one am not looking forward to being ribbed about it in the showers. You catching my drift?"
"I caught your drift two minutes ago," Chris replied sourly. "Fine, we'll go back to the crazy bitches and get this over with. But if I have to touch animal crap again, I'm gone."
When they returned the Beautiful People had just finished their unusual dip and strictly told the Guns to avert their eyes while they got out of the noodle baths. Both Alex and Chris raised their eyebrows and continued to stare shamelessly, much to their fury. It was only when the two large, hairy women from the other bath started to stand and leave that they boys let out cries of terror and quickly covered their eyes, allowing Velvet and Angelina to get out and cover their selves as well.
"Just another instance of Ugly working to protect the Beautiful," Velvet said smugly half an hour later when she and Angelina were seated in another room with two salon chairs, their hair having been washed and shampooed.
Both boys glared at them from where they stood behind the girls' chairs. "All right, so what's next?" Chris demanded.
"Hair time," Angelina said, gesturing to their wet tresses.
"Speaking of which, you seem to have lost a lot in the space of half an hour," Chris said to her.
"I took the hair extensions out, okay?" she told him sharply. "Anyway, take the stuff in those jars and massage in into our scalps. Make sure you really get in there."
More than a little begrudgingly the boys took up the jars, scooped out generous portions of the white mixture inside, and then began to massage it into the girls' wet hair. "I have feeling in the pit of my stomach that we should ask what this is," Chris said to his tag team partner.
"Probably just the remains of the ramen talking," Alex said. "We're probably better off not knowing."
"Come on," Angelina said, looking at Chris through the mirror. "You know, for a pro-wrestler you're exerting the amount of pressure a little girl would give. I said massage, not tickle; put some muscle into it!"
Chris resisted the urge to squeeze her head to see if anything that actually resembled brain matter would trickle out of her ears if he did. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Alex stare at the mixture, shrug and then give it an experimental lick. "Dude!" he immediately said. "Did the experience with the noodles teach you nothing?"
"Keep calm, man, it just smells and tastes like some sort of plant, that's all," Alex said nonchalantly.
To his surprise both Velvet and Angelina let out shrills bursts of laughter. "Oh my God, you actually tasted it??" Velvet said hysterically through giggles. "You know there was a reason we didn't immediately tell you guys what that was!"
"Okay, what is it?" Chris asked, tossing his hands up and looking for the nearest sink to wash the substance off.
"It's plant root mixed with bull semen!" Angelina chortled. "Great for the hair, not so cool for putting in your mouth!"
At that Chris ran for the sink, only Alex shoved him out of the way, opened the tap to full power, gargled, spit and then blew chunks into it. He repeated the process as Chris shook his head and the girls continued to laugh, seemingly okay with the fact that animal sperm had been mixed into their hair. "Dude, I told you we should have asked off the bat what that shit was," Chris said.
Alex groaned. "I kind of wish we were back with the bird shit right about now."
"Does this mean I can tell the guys that you've gone and tried a taste of a bull's love essence?" Chris wondered thoughtfully.
Alex's response was to throw up some more, flashing him the finger as he did.
***
The Beautiful People informed the Guns that it took forty-five minutes under a pedestal hair heater for the treatment to take full effect, and so they were free to have some time to themselves until then. Chris spent the time chatting up the receptionists. Alex moved around, wondering if he really should take a Brilo pad to scrape his throat and tongue.
Forty-five minutes later they met up with the Beautiful People in the same room. "Tell me we're almost done with the crazy beauty treatments," Chris said. "Because seriously – the bird shit, noodle baths and fucking bull sperm – that's not normal."
"Actually, you are done," Velvet said. "We just called you back to give you your pay."
"Yeah; despite the fact that you bitched a lot, you did hold up your end of the deal, and we got a couple of kicks out of it too," Angelina said, winking at Alex.
Alex glared at her. "Shut up. You owe use six grand for three hours of putting up with your batshit insane beauty regiments. Fork it over."
"Yeah, yeah, here," Angelina said, writing out a check with flourish and handing it to him. "Six thousand dollars to the Motor City Machine Guns. You put us back quite a few, but if we get desperate enough again in two weeks we'll give you a call."
"Please do; and when you hear those gunshots on the other end, that's Chris and myself blowing our brains out," Alex said, snatching the check from her.
Velvet rolled her eyes at them, picked up a jar on the table beside her and struggled to open it. "Oh, one last thing before you go, open this for me, would you?"
With a sigh Chris took it and twisted the cap off. "What are those, capsules?"
Velvet nodded as she and Angelina took one each and swallowed them. "Yup, great for skin nutrition," she said.
Chris looked at the product name on the jar. "Placenta Plus. Okay, I know I failed biology back in high school like thrice, but isn't the placenta that thing…"
Alex had taken out his iPhone and apparently Googled it. "The placenta – 'the vascular structure in the uterus of most mammals providing oxygen and nutrients for and transferring wastes from the developing fetus…'" He stopped there as the boys let that knowledge sink in for a beat and then turned absolutely appalled looks at the girls.
"What?" Velvet said defensively. "Like I said, it's great for the skin."
"Answer me one thing," Chris said, "Is it human, or animal?"
"I'm not sure, let me check," Angelina said, taking the bottle and beginning to look through the information on it.
"Never mind, we don't want to know!" Alex said quickly and, taking his partner by the arm, pulled him out firmly, all the while lecturing him on the finer points of morbid curiosity killing the cat or causing the ingestion of bull semen, and the bliss of just simply not knowing. Ever.
Continued