Disclaimer; I do not own the characters or concepts or anythng else herein. All belong to BBC and Shine.
A/N: Instead of Arthur speaking with Gwen I have decided to explore Merlin's reaction to Gauis after he finds out what Gaius has told the King.
It was difficult to know how Arthur would react - anger, fear, denial etc., so I decided to follow the seven stages of grief (mostly) to portray his likely emotions.
i should probably warn you that there's not much action in this fic (you've probably already gathered that anyway) but lot's of angst, painful emotions and struggles with previously abhorent notions.
Denial and disbelief were the first emotions Arthur felt engulfing him as he stayed isolated and shut in his chambers for the remainder of the day. Although Arthur knew his father wasn't perfect, the version of events Gaius had told suggested that Uther's mind had been permanently deranged after Ygraine's death and that he was guilty of the murder of countless innocent people.
After years of indoctrination, Arthur's head told him it must be a perversion of the truth; an impossibility. It was too painful and disturbing for him to believe otherwise, so his first reaction was to hold onto all he knew ( or thought he knew ) like a drowning man clutching a lifeline. For his entire life Arthur had been told that the execution of magic user's was entirely justified because they were a danger to everybody in Camelot, spreading corruption and filth wherever they went.
Uther's unyielding conviction had been the foundation the kingdom stood upon and strongly impacted the man Arthur had become. If this was all the fabrication of a man's deluded mind, what was there left for Arthur to hold onto? Had Camelot been built on a foundation of lies and murder? His whole belief system was suddenly fractured and crumbling, the ground he stood upon vanishing beneath his feet. Arthur suddenly felt very alone and out of his depth.
It was late afternoon when Merlin entered with the Kings nightly repast. Arthur was standing at his window, his right shoulder leaning heavily on the wall beside him and surveying the courtyard scene below.
"Sire, I brought you some food." Merlin placed the platter of meats on the table. "You didn't touch your lunch Arthur. I could prepare you a headache tonic if your head still aches?"
(Once he had recovered his composure after his initial breakdown, Arthur had sent orders down to Sir Leon and his Queen to take over the official duties of the day, due to a sudden illness. )
Arthur turned around partially, barely hearing Merlin's words.
"Arthur? Is your head still sore?" Merlin repeated a bit more forcefully, still getting very little response. It was clear to Merlin that something was deeply troubling his friend. This whole headache thing was not cutting it anyway. Since when had Arthur pleaded illness to relieve himself from his duties? If something upset him, his usual response involved action and aggression; a particularly arduous training session or a days hunting seemed to be Arthur's usual way to alleviate stress and help him in his decision making.
"Arthur, is there something wrong? I haven't seen you like this since Gwen..." Merlin stopped himself mid sentence, not sure if he should continue. If Arthur was so upset that he'd isolated himself away like this, it must be something pretty dire. As he continued to study Arthur he could see how tightly his jaws were clenched together and how tense his back and shoulders were, almost as though he was holding something inside.
Merlin wondered what had happened this morning to cause this response in such a strong and confident person as Arthur and even more worryingly, what would happen when the pressure got too much and the walls of the dam burst open.
"Arthur?" Merlin took a few steps toward the window Arthur was standing in. "Sire, you should eat something."
"Merlin. Just leave me will you." Arthur answered weakly over his shoulder. "I need to be alone."
Many hours had passed since his discussion with the physician this morning and it was taking it's emotional toll upon the King. He was exhausted from wrestling with his thoughts and emotions, trying to make sense of the new knowledge in a way that didn't hurt. His earlier feelings had started to give way to guilt and blame as he continued to try and make sense of things.
"Arthur, please. Whatever it is, maybe talking about it ..."
"Just go!" Arthur interrupted, shouting in such a lonely and desperate voice that Merlin knew he could not possibly obey. Arthur needed him and there was no way he was going to let him flounder in this pool of misery all alone. Merlin stood where he was.
"I cannot do that Arthur. I know you're the King and as a servant I have to obey you, but as a friend I refuse to leave you in this state any longer. Please, talk to me Arthur."
Arthur remained in his defensive hunch for another minute or so before Merlin could finally see his shoulders begin to droop. Breathing deeply a few times, he turned to face his servant, brow furrowed in thought.
"Merlin." Arthur began then stopped. How could he tell him how hearing those words meant so much to him, that knowing he was always by his side, especially when things were difficult, seemed to give him that extra bit of strength and resolve. What had he ever done to deserve Merlin's loyalty and support? This emotion thing was so difficult!
"Merlin, what do you do when you've just found out that everything you believed in was a lie? That your birth resulted in the deaths of hundreds, maybe thousands of innocent people. How do I ..." he broke off weakly.
Merlin's stared, his eyes widening in shock as he tried to fathom what Arthur meant and what had lead him to this new theory. Obviously he'd found something out; Pendragon dirty laundry had finally been aired.
"Gaius and I had a long talk this morning and he told me about how magic was involved in my birth. The Great Purge; it happened because I was born Merlin!" The King's eyes were red and glistening with tears as he spoke, his face fixed firmly upon his friends.
"No Arthur no! You're looking at this the wrong way. There was nothing evil about your birth! You were a blessing to Camelot and to your parents. Don't ever think it was your fault!"
Merlin's mind reeled. "What did Gaius say exactly? He would never tell you that!"
Merlin had approached his friend as he spoke so that they were now only an arms length apart.
Arthur shook his head. "No, he didn't say but those words. But that's how it feels Merlin."
"Arthur, listen to me. You were an innocent baby. How could you possibly have been at fault? Your father made the decision to out law magic Arthur! He didn't heed the Great Priestess's warning and when Ygraine died his guilt and shame fired his need for destruction. Uther alone began The Great Purge Arthur!"
"Do you and Gaius often discuss other people's life changing secrets over dinner?" Arthur retorted sarcastically, lashing out at anything in his fragile state.
"No, of course not. I only found out after Morgause summoned your mother. When we arrived back at Camelot and I knew you were going to confront your father, I made Gaius tell me what he knew then."
"But you told me it wasn't true Merlin! You told me Morgause made it all up! How could you lie to me like that?" Arthur was trembling with withheld anger and frustration.
"I had to Arthur. You would've killed your father and that would have destroyed you! You never would have forgiven yourself. Camelot needs you. I hate lying to you Arthur, but I had to."
Arthur turned back to the window again and Merlin feared he was once again retreating into silence. For a number of minutes neither man spoke.
"So many lies Merlin, too many." Arthur looked up to the ceiling. Was he searching for answers from above?
"I know." Merlin mumbled sadly, knowing that they'd only touched the tip of the iceberg so far.
"I don't know what to think anymore Merlin. Was my father's persecution of anyone with sorcery driven solely by his own guilt or is magic genuinely the evil thing he proclaimed it to be?"
"It's not my place to tell you what to believe Arthur but it seems to me that magic itself is not an evil thing. Yes, it can be used for ill intent and I know you've experienced more than your fair share of that. But there are many sorcerers who use their skills for positive reasons, like healing the sick or helping crops grow. Maybe it's not as clear cut as Uther wanted you to believe."
Arthur was staring intently at his servant, eyes squinting in thought. His mind had been churning away violently all day and an intense pressure was building in his head as a result. He squeezed the bridge of his nose between forefinger and thumb, partially to ease the throbbing and partially to give himself time to figure out what he wanted to say.
"You sound as though you're speaking from personal experience Merlin. Where have you ever seen this 'good magic' taking place? Nowhere around Camelot I trust?"
"No. Well, that is, I can't really say Sire." Merlin dropped his gaze to the floor as Arthur retreated into the defensive role he was more comfortable and familiar with.
"Mmmm. Is that so."
Merlin sneaked a look at his King again, trying to gauge his state of mind. Was it possible? Was it finally going to happen? Had Arthur really reached the stage where he could see magic as something other than unequivocally evil? Merlin felt his heart rate increase and a warm glow of happiness flow throughout his entire body at the prospect.
"It's as though everything I knew as fact has been blasted to fragments by a battering ram." Arthur raged. "I don't know what to believe. Have I been living a lie Merlin? All those people I've brought to their deaths. How could he have lied to me like that?"
"Whatever he was thinking, I'm sure Uther never mean to hurt you Arthur."
"Gaius said he thought I should know the truth so I could make informed decisions about Camelot's future. I thought I knew what direction the kingdom should go, but if all this is true, i'll have to rethink everything."
Arthur had hoped that he might be able to rest once darkness came, but he could not stop his mind from reeling with the weight of all this new and unbidden knowledge. As the hours passed and he meditated over all he'd lived and experienced so far, a few chinks in the armor he'd built up from the lessons learned since childhood, began to appear.
It had certainly occurred to him on a number of occasions that his father reacted too judgmentally and without rationality. He'd always been so quick to condemn anybody suspected of sorcery to a horrible death, no matter what the individual circumstances were. Arthur had tried to reason with him on a couple of occasions when children had been involved or if a he suspect had been using their powers to heal the sick or stop their family from starving. Uther had remained unmoved though, claiming any use of magic would lead to depravity and the ruin of Camelot.
The Druid people were a conundrum to Arthur too. Clearly, they were peaceful and no threat to his kingdom, yet for years Uther proclaimed them dangerous and had then hunted down and killed. Arthur knew many Druids did possess magic, but all the evidence he'd seen and heard suggested it was for healing and assisting.
The more Arthur searched himself, the more doubts and questions he came up with.
Merlin returned to his and Gaius' quarters once Arthur had dismissed him for the evening, closing the door silently behind him. Gaius was seated comfortably by the fire, eyes closed.
"Gaius." Merlin called gently. The old man opened his eyes.
"Ah Merlin. I haven't seen you all day." Noticing the dark, anxious look on his young ward's face he succinctly put two and two together.
"I see you've been talking to Arthur." Merlin nodded. "I expect you're angry with me but, in time, you'll see it was for the best."
"Why didn't you warn me you were going to tell him about his birth Gaius? Actually, why did you tell him at all? I thought you'd sworn an oath of secrecy to Uther?" Merlin asked, confused and a little angry.
Gaius took a deep breath before beginning. "Merlin, I know Arthur will be upset..."
"That's an understatement!" Merlin interrupted with uncharacteristic sarcasm.
Gaius huffed quietly. He was too old and tired to have to face this sort of censure, especially since his foremost motivation for revealing the information he had, was the very person doing the disapproving.
"Don't you think he deserves the truth Merlin! He needs to know these things if he's ever to see magic in a different light."
"I know, but he looks so lost. It's painful to see him like that Gaius."
"Merlin, sometimes learning what we truly are and what our lives are all about is not a pleasant experience. You must know that by now surely? It will be up to us, and Guinevere, to guide him through this difficult time Merlin, to help Arthur see the way forward through all the anguish and confusion he must be feeling at the moment."
Merlin regarded his gaurdian closely, his expression changing suddenly as he finally reached a conclusion. He leaned back in his seat slightly before starting to speak.
"You told Arthur for me didn't you? So he'd have reason to look at sorcery in a new light, so that he might, in however small a way, begin to believe that magic isn't the absolute evil Uther had convinced him of for so long."
"That's not the only reason, my boy, but it is certainly my hope." Gaius replied, nodding gently. "If it's the last useful thing I ever do on this Earth, I wish to help you and Arthur towards the greater goal of reuniting the Five Kingdoms and returning magic to the land. I've seen you sacrifice so much Merlin, more than is fair for any mortal man, and I will do all in my power to aid your journey. It is clear to anybody who knows you that having to deceive and lie to your best friend pains you deeply. I fear if it goes on for much longer, the guilt will start to eat away at your goodness and kind heart Merlin and that would be a tragedy."
"Gaius, I don't know what to say. You took huge risk for my sake and I can never thank you enough." Merlin felt tears gathering in his eyes as he spoke.
"My boy, you are the closest thing to a son I have. Nothing would mean more to me than for you to be accepted for what you truly are by those closest to you - to be able to live in peace and contentment." Gaius regarded the young Warlock in front of him fondly, noticing how deeply his sentiments seemed to be affecting him. He had hoped Merlin knew already how much he meant to him but maybe not?
"Do you really think it'll ever happen Gaius?" Once before he'd let himself believe the time for Arthur to accept magic was close but due to Morgana's interference, it had turned out worse than ever. Dare he think it possible now? Gaius nodded solemly.
"It is your destiny Merlin. Of course it will happen. I may not live to see it but you must have faith Merlin that Arthur will one day come to view magic, not as something to be feared and persecuted but as a special gift that can, and indeed should, be used for the benefit of all the Five Kingdoms"
"And me Gaius, will he ever accept me after I lied to him for so long? I don't even know if I deserve it." Merlin averted his eyes shaking his head forlornly.
"Of course he will Merlin. You'll be the one to show him the way. All you have to do is be yourself and when the time comes, he'll know."
THE END
A/N Well, that's the end. My goal in this story (and most of my stories really) was to help Arthur along so that he will begin to see that Uther's condemnation of anything involving magic and sorcery was ill placed. I think he will accept Merlin having magic better, if he first believes that magic is not evil.
I don't know how or if Merlin will ever get to reveal himself to Arthur on the show but it HAS to happen eventually or what was the point?
Please review. I would really like to know if you thought Arthur's reaction was convincing. Even if you just want to tell me off for shoving Gwen aside!