Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, tweeted, reblogged links, etc.

Also, thank you as always to Andy, who has put up with about 8 months of me complaining and getting stuck and sending her half-finished chapters and writing this fic completely out of order. Somehow, she always manages to have the suggestions that help me turn jumbles of words and ideas into a coherent story.

Resurrection & Reckoning

February 23, 2016

"You know, we haven't read in a while," Kate mentioned as they settled into bed.

For such a short month, February was dragging on; it'd been cold, cloudy, and snowy for much of the past two weeks, and Kate shivered and jerked her leg away as it came into contact with her husband's icy feet. Even the warmth of the loft wasn't enough to banish the never-ending winter.

When Castle didn't reply, she turned her eyes to him, found him hesitant, unsure.

"Rick?"

"I know what the next letter is," he confessed. "I've been avoiding it."

"It's bad?"

He nodded solemnly.

"What is it?"

He reached for her hand, twined his fingers with her own and held on far more tightly than necessary. Grounding himself, she assumed.

"3XK," he finally uttered, the syllables barely more than a broken whisper. "The very last time."

Oh.

Well, she certainly understood his evasiveness.

"We can skip it," Kate suggested hesitantly. She didn't want to skip it. Well, that wasn't entirely accurate. She was in no hurry to relive any portion of the 3XK saga, particularly the final, horrifying chapter. But she was equally reluctant to skip a letter, to leave his words unread. After all this time, all the pages they'd made their way through together, it was a streak she couldn't bring herself to break.

"Or you can skip it," she amended. "I can read it alone."

"No." His protest was instant. "If you're going to read it and relive it, I am too. You're not in this alone, Kate."

Castle lifted the notebook from his nightstand while Kate steeled herself, prepared her mind to be transported back to the horrors from just over a year ago.

"You ready?" he asked as he smoothed down the page, propped the journal against his bent knees.

She nodded, feigning more courage than she felt. "Ready."

February 17, 2015

Dear Kate,

I wasn't sure I'd be writing this letter today. I wasn't sure I'd be writing anything ever again.

I know you don't need a reminder of what happened, and neither do I, but they took you. Tyson and Nieman. You were missing for two days, and I completely lost it. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I desperately needed the caffeine but without you sitting next to me cradling your own mug of coffee, the smell of it made me nauseous.

After two divorces, Montgomery's funeral, Paris, and all the other close calls we've had over the years, I thought I could handle anything. It turns out I can't handle losing you. I don't think I've ever been so broken in my entire life. I threatened an unarmed man with a gun. I put myself in a position of certain death. Looking back now, I hardly recognize the man I became. I was reckless and desperate and willing to do absolutely anything I could to find you.

I wish I didn't have to admit this, but I understand you better now. I understand your single-minded obsession with your mother's case. I understand why you fought with me and kicked me out of your life every time I tried to get you to walk away. I understand your willingness to put yourself in the crossfire for someone you love. If anyone had come to me while you were missing and told me to take a step back and stop looking for you, I'd have reacted exactly the same way.

It scares me, the decisions I made and the way I behaved. But the thought of living without you scares me even more.

I'm infinitely grateful to have you back and I'm so glad you're unharmed – relatively speaking. I know it will be a while before the trauma of this ordeal truly manifests, and even longer before we come to grips with it, but physically we're both okay and we're safe and that's what matters.

But most of all, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you. I'm sorry I didn't find you sooner. I'm sorry you had to suffer through such horrors.

I know right now you're still reeling, and so am I. Why else would I be writing this at 3:47am? I'm utterly exhausted but I can't sleep, and I know when I finally do I'll be plagued with nightmares. I know you're experiencing them too. You already woke once tonight sweating and shaking and gasping for air.

I have a feeling it's going to be a while before things start to feel normal for us again. Sometimes I'm not sure what 'normal' is anymore. But I'm here for you. Anything you need, anything I can do, I'm here. I wasn't able to protect you when you needed it most, but I'm damn well going to be here for you now.

I love you, Kate. I love you with a fierceness I'm not sure I knew existed until this week.

Rick

"I can't believe that was a year ago," she murmured, the most benign comment she could muster given what they'd just read.

"It seems like a lifetime ago," Castle agreed. And yet, whenever the nightmares resurfaced it seemed much more recent.

"Do you ever think back on our past and feel like you're on the outside looking into someone else's life?" Kate mused aloud.

The author cocked his head, thoughtful. "You mean, that we weren't almost eaten by a tiger or drowned in the Hudson or blown up more times than I can count?" he asked with a grimace. "That our life is too ridiculous to have been real?"

"Exactly."

Castle nodded in agreement.

"I don't know if that's a good thing or if that's us somehow subconsciously living in denial," she admitted.

"Is this something Burke said?"

"No," Kate answered with a shake of her head, seeking her husband's eyes as she spoke. "But we talked a lot about denial after my shooting so I've just become more aware of it."

"Do you feel like you're living in denial?" Castle asked curiously.

"I don't think so," she replied without hesitation. "We've talked through these things. I've talked some of them over with Burke." Kate paused, gestured to their journal. "And these letters have helped because they've forced us to talk through all the things we spent so many years avoiding and denying."

"Mmmm, true," he conceded. "So in a way, we really have me to thank for our relationship."

Kate rolled her eyes with a groan.

"We do, though," she confessed, serious in her agreement. "You never gave up on us and you make me want to be a better version of myself every single day. We wouldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for you."

"And you," Castle added, unwilling to take all of the credit. "You've calmed me down, you've helped me grow and mature and find a new purpose in life."

Kate dropped her head to rest against his shoulder and he tightened his arm around her shoulders as he dipped his chin to press a kiss to the crown of her head.

"I love you," he murmured into her hair.

She nuzzled her nose into his neck, breathed him in and felt all the horrors of their past fade into the background. "I love you too."

Thoughts?