Trigger warning: This chapter will briefly touch the subjects of cutting and self-harm.
Oh the places we'll go
Chapter III
First meeting
It had been three days now and Severus still hadn't seen the one person he'd been dreading meet. He'd seen Potter (again), Minerva, Flitwick, Pomona and a few students here and there that had chosen between either scared, hurried glances or long intense gazes. Hell, he'd even seen Weasley. The sight had saddened him, for Poppy had told him of the fate of his older brother and Severus could see the effect of the loss etched across Ronald's features. The man had cast a sideways look to his former Professor before sitting down and spending some time at Miss Brown's bedside. He'd talked to the body lying there and from Severus' range of hearing, he had understood some dialogue of unimportant nature: details of his day, the temperature outside, benign information about their common friends.
Not that he had been purposely listening, though. It was increasingly hard to not be bored during his hours in the Hospital wing, so Severus slept, did some exercises in his bed to awaken his muscles, conversed with the few fellow teachers that stopped by and thought.
He wondered why she hadn't come.
With the snippets of information Poppy had offered him during the times she checked up on his state, he learned a lot about the woman.
To start off, Poppy had been minimizing Miss Granger's role in his recovery. When she told him of the extent of her implication, Severus had realized that he owed the girl much more than he was willing to give.
She had taken care of him during the sixty some days of his coma. The first two weeks had been brutal, with death still on everyone's mind and countless wizards hurt. Poppy had been overwhelmed and Granger had, unsurprisingly, volunteered. She had spent sleepless nights by his bedside, administering the blood-replenishing potion and the spells necessary to keep the wounds on his neck clean while they slowly closed.
And now, she'd been absent for the first three days that he was awake.
When he mentioned that fact to Poppy after she had praised the girl for her hard work, the look on the matron's face had almost frozen him on the spot.
'That girl has been through enough Severus. Give her a break. You owe her at least that.' She had said through gritted teeth.
He'd immediately felt like a total bastard, which the voice in his head grasped onto eagerly.
It had been hard, with so many hours filled with nothingness, to not think about himself.
After every conversation, every little look, he was bombarded by criticism.
Sneering at the young girl, really Severus, no wonder students hesitate to talk to you.
Did you need to snap at Flitwick? The poor man had only been kind when suggesting that he could bring you some books.
Bastard.
Cold.
Cruel.
Bastard.
Even though Severus was used to these thoughts, they'd been his sole companions for every single hour of every single day since the Second Wizarding war had started, they still cut him like the scars that danced across his back, his chest, his wrists.
Oh yes, Severus Snape was no stranger to self-harm.
His teenage years had been full of it.
But he had stopped when Lily had died, for that had been the first time he had found purpose in his life, a direction for his existence.
He had been so lost back then and cutting had been a brief way to free himself.
Once he'd realized the extent of the damage he could cause, after almost passing out from loss of blood, in the cold room he'd found during his solitary hours of exploration in the halls of Hogwarts, he'd stopped.
And he'd never taken a blade to his skin again.
…
..
.
'Professor.'
Severus opened his eyes to see which creature beheld that beautiful voice and was shocked to see her for the first time since the night in the Shrieking Shack.
Blinking twice slowly, he caught his first real look at the girl.
The initial thought that popped into his head was that the war had aged her.
Still, details of her person were almost the same as they had been the year before, before all the fighting, the deaths, the war.
Her hair was tied in a ridiculous bun that teetered high on her head, seemingly defying gravity, curls escaping here and there. He was greeted with the same soft skin, the same small upturned nose, and the pink lips.
Not that he had ever taken special notice to her appearance, but seeing her from this close, for she was a mere two feet away from his face, made him notice details he'd subconsciously noted.
The first smile she gave him was so sincere if you only concentrated on her delicate mouth.
Her eyes were another matter altogether.
That was what made Severus say she'd aged.
She had the eyes of one who'd seen too much, who'd lived too much, who'd lost too much.
Soft and warm brown eyes that told tales of unimaginable suffering.
He'd seen eyes like that before.
Weasley.
Potter.
Albus.
Himself.
But what was so poignant about her eyes were how the dragged up memories of his mother.
His mother who had protected him until she couldn't anymore. His mother who had shielded him from Tobias, his father.
His father.
Severus blinked and unclenched his fists. He pushed himself upright, not taking his eyes of the woman.
Not now.
'Miss Granger.' His voice was clear and calm, in no way betraying the turmoil he'd just been through.
'How are you?' Her response was timid, unsteady.
He raised an eyebrow. 'As fine as I can be, confined to this bed.' As he said that, she drew closer and Severus realized she was holding two books in her left hand. She smiled slightly as he spoke, before sitting down slowly on his bed. He felt it dip slightly from her weight and felt the heat of her body pressing against his left leg. He shifted so that there was no more contact. Something about it felt uncomfortable. If she noticed, she didn't let on, choosing instead to tuck an errant curl behind her ear before speaking in a very matter-of-fact tone. 'I was expecting that, so I brought you some books.' She outstretched her hand holding them and Severus didn't hesitate before grabbing them. Nevertheless, he continued to stare at her, completely ignoring the comforting weight of the volumes that were now resting on his lap.
'I wasn't sure what kind of books you read, so I settled for some Potion's essays I had found interesting and thought you might like.'
Now, thought Severus, this is interesting.
Whereas before, Granger had been a pain, constantly seeking his approval in any shape or form, that one comment proved that she had matured. Her detached way of suggesting the type of books she had brought him, showed how she was ready for his criticism.
So he gave it to her.
He looked down at the two volumes and quickly read the titles.
'I've read both already. Really, Granger, I thought you would be a little more original than to bring Potion textbooks to your Potion's professor.'
'Ex-Professor,' she corrected, unfazed. 'And in that case, I shall take them back.' She outstretched a hand and waited, head cocked to one side.
Severus scowled and turned to put the books on his bedside table, next to a lone box of kleenexes and some pain medication.
He turned to see her smug face and responded: 'I shall keep them for the time being, until I find something more suitable to read.' He wanted to make her feel useless like her action had been in vain, but she was too smart for his arrogant ways. She smirked before replying.
'Oh no, Professor, I intend to have you out of here within the week. You shall not have very much time to read for the next few days.' She waited for a reaction before standing up and stepping towards him. 'We shall see if you are able to stand up.' Not waiting for his approval, she yanked the covers off of him, exposing his soft white hospital pajamas. She then stood back, leaning on to the side with her arms crossed as she raised her head.
'Up.' She commanded, pursing her lips.
Severus scowled again before slipping his legs to the left and off the bed. Sitting up, he took a deep breath then stood slowly. He was pleased when he managed to tower over her without swaying.
'You are enjoying this a bit too much, Granger.' He said scathingly, looking down at her. 'Really, seeing your old Potion's master in this state must be gossip you can't wait to share among the dimwits you call friends.'
The words hadn't left his mouth before the voice screamed Asshole!
'Wrong again, Professor.' She said smoothly, as she stepped forward and wrapped an arm around his back, holding him steady. 'I am bound by a confidentiality oath and would never call you old.' But when she looked up at him again, he could only sense a chuckle on the tip of her tongue. Gesturing backward with her head to indicate that he should wrap his left arm around his shoulder she said. 'Let's see how well you can walk.'
Letting out an exasperated sigh, Severus draped his arm around her shoulder, a movement that caused Granger to move closer.
His whole body immediately tensed at such an intimate position. He could feel every spot their bodies touched and admitted briefly that the heat of her frame was not unwelcome.
What a sorry sight I must be, he thought bitterly, tensing at the mere clinical contact with a woman.
He brushed that thought out of his mind and concentrated on taking steps. He walked to the door and back to his bed, slowly, all the while missing the way he used to stride around, cloak billowing. It had taken a few months to master that walk but it had been worth it.
Severus didn't let himself enjoy much in his life, he didn't deserve to enjoy anything, really, but he let himself the small pleasure of a walk that inspired fear and respect.
As they passed by Miss Brown's area, Granger took upon herself to start up some small talk, which made Severus let out an audible sigh.
'Lavender over there still hasn't recovered. Ron comes to see her sometimes. I think he feels bad for the way they ended their relationship in the sixth year, so he tries to keep her company. Not that she would notice, she still is under heavy sedatives until her internal wounds heal. Becoming a werewolf isn't an easy process on the body and…' She trailed off, seemingly observing that she had been babbling. They reached the side of his bed and he sat down, putting his feet back up and wandlessly spelling the sheets to cover him again.
Suddenly, he was flooded with anger to this woman, staring down at him, that was responsible for his life, that made his death so much more complicated.
He owed her.
And he felt so much hate towards her for that.
Without her, he'd be gone, he would have died a hero, died a quiet death. Not that he wanted to die a hero.
He wasn't a hero.
How could you call someone who'd killed a hero?
His soul was so ripped by the violence he'd witnessed in silence and the violence he'd instigated.
His soul had been ripped three times, by three different murders.
A scream, red hair, a deep voice saying his name, the lightning in the tower…
'Why did you save me?' Cold, calculating and direct.
Granger flinched at the sound of his voice, his unforgiving voice.
She looked into his dark eyes, Severus knowing she'd only see anger in them. She bit her lip, crossed then uncrossed her arms before opening her mouth.
'I owed you.'
Her gaze showed a strong woman certain of her action, of her reason behind her action.
He could break that woman.
And so he did.
'Idiot girl,' he hissed in his most cruel voice that spoke of the anger he felt coursing through his veins. 'Now, I owe you.' He spoke each word in a cutting manner as he leaned towards her.
His sentence echoed in the room as they stood there, locked in a staring match.
Granger blinked first as she let emotions cross her features.
Shock.
Then anger.
'And I thought you could change.'
She turned, but not before giving Severus a look that spoke more words than her mouth ever could.
A look of heartbreak.
…
..
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Author's note: Hello hello! What did you guys think of their first meeting? Let me know pleaseeeeee! I got no reviews for the last chapter, but I would really really appreciate some for this one! Nevertheless, thank you to all those who followed the story!
I'm looking forward to reading your reviews ;)
Raven