Ichi-Ruki

Well, as per request, today is an Ichi-Ruki special! Enjoy and review!

"What?"

"Huh"

"The fuck is that?"

"Is that, like a disease or something?"

"I'm tired."

"SHUT UP GRIMMJOW!" Everyone yelled in unison.

"Anyway, to more pressing matters what the hell is Ichi-Ruki?"

…

"What? That's their name for us?" Ichigo waved at himself and his wife. "Ok, that's kind of weird..."

"I think it's kind of cute." Rukia chirped.

"No it's not! It's dumb! I got married to be with you, not lose the last syllable in my name!"

"Ichigo, it's a kind gesture-"

"How is it kind?" the front-man was fuming, "It sounds like something a bunch of basement dwelling otaku would come up with!"

Well...

"Ichigo sit down." Rukia spoke calmly.

Strangely enough, Ichigo complied with a submissive, "Yes honey."

The group took a quick breather before continuing.

"So you want to know about our relationship huh? Why? This isn't TMZ or some gay shit like that is it? Because if it is we'll have to kindly escort you to the morgue!" Ichigo's eye were blazing, but the instant Rukia let out a forced little cough Ichigo stiffened as if struck by rigor mortis and sat back like a good boy.

"Well, it's been great. Ichigo can be a handful at times, but he's lucky I wuv him!"

"You wuv me? Alright then, go ahead and spit on our love for each other then!"

"Anyway," Rukia snarled, inciting Ichigo to practically shit himself as he crawled up the couch in the way a girl would when she sees a mouse running along the floor. "Our time together has been like a wonderful dream."

Renji scoffed and looked off at one of the walls.

"Jealous much?" Grimmjow snorted to his pine-apple-peaked friend.

"Oh shut up! You know you're jealous too!" Renji snapped back.

"I am not jelly!" the bass player retorted.

"Bullshit! You are so!"

"Renji, please calm down." Rukia sighed like a gentle breeze, placing a hand gently on his shoulder.

"I LOVED YOU!" Renji ran off sobbing. Grimmjow pointed and laughed but somewhere within his spout of rabid laughter tears started flowing and then he ran off as well.

Rukia laughed nervously and patted Ichigo's knee. "So yeah...Ichigo and I are very happy about it. But as you can see the others are still kind of depressed. I guess that's what happens when a bunch of naive young men form a band with such an elegant and beautiful woman!" Rukia crooked her arm under her chin and splayed all her fingers out while unleashing a clichéd princess laugh. Until the band's drummer Nnoitra had to rain on her parade.

"I'm fine with them being married. It means Ichigo is the only one that has to be pussy whipped around here. And besides, I wouldn't fuck her even if she was a groupie and I was drunk off my ass!"

Nnoitra cracked up laughing, holding his sides as his grin consumed his entire face and he howled like a hyena at the Montreal Comedy Festival. Meanwhile Ichigo crawled under a table to hide and Rukia was sitting firmly in her seat, eyes closed, teeth grinding and a vein popping up on her forehead. Steam soon started spurting out of her ears and an aura of flames was enveloping around her.

Ichigo, while still under the table took a glance at the calendar and his eyes narrowed. He then promptly got the fuck out of there!

Nnoitra however was still laughing his head off like a fool, unaware of the raging young guitarist sitting nearby. Even the cameraman had taken several sizeable steps backwards.

Rukia looked like she was about to explode in about three...

Two...

On-

"WHAT?" Rukia pounced on Nnoitra, knocking his chair over and throwing the lanky drummer to the floor. She then proceeded to bitch slap him while screaming abuse. "HOW DARE YOU! What are you trying to say about me? Are you saying I'm ugly? You're one to talk! You look like a gay clown who is too poor to afford face paint! And besides, I'm pretty! My brother said so! Ichigo said so! And right now Renji and Grimmjow are crying like little girls because they lost their chance to have a piece of me! So how dare you call me ugly!"

Nnoitra gave no response; his mouth was full of blood and dislodged teeth. If this were a cartoon stars would be spinning around his head and a comically sized lump would appear on his forehead. But this wasn't a cartoon. This was far uglier. Big black eyes, broken teeth and cracked lips flecked in bloody spittle. And Rukia's knuckles were split apart, oozing blood down her delicate (Or so we thought) fingers. While Nnoitra spat out mouthful after mouthful of blood and sobbed pitifully, Rukia resumed her position on the couch, smoothed out her little black dress and smiled an angelic smile.

A light knock on the door alerted her to Ichigo's presence.

"Is it safe?"

"Yes, sweet-heart." Rukia called out. Ichigo pretended to ignore the semi-dying drummer and edged his way over to the couch, trying to avoid the thick pools congealing on the floor.

"So...Uh...Where were we?"

"R-Rukia...Is...A bitch!" Nnoitra groaned, only to have one of Rukia's shoes hurled at his face. He shut up after that.

"Kids? I don't know. I never really thought about it but I guess Rukia will want them though. All women do don't they?"

"Well, it might be nice." Rukia said with the most perfect innocent smile on her face, a deep contrast to the blood-thirsty she-demon that had just under a minute ago rendered a man near death with her bare hands.

"If you want kids you can clean up after them."

"Fine."

"And cook for them."

"Easy enough."

"And take care of them when they are crying."

"Of course."

"And when they're not crying."

"Very well, but- Hey! What would you do then? You're supposed to be the father!" Rukia glared at him and Ichigo just laughed.

"Why I'd just do what every father does: Get drunk and watch T.V! And then become sexually repressed because the baby gets to fondle her breasts more than I do and he gets free damn milk while I have to drive down to the store and buy some! And then when the baby cries you'll go and hug him and kiss him but when I've had a hard day and wanna relax with my wife she'll be too busy with the baby because he needs to be put to sleep! And then at night when I want to finger her bass she'll tell me that the baby needs to be nursed and have his diaper changed and so then I have to start a fucking solo career! NO! I don't want kids! Never!"

At some point in that increasingly disturbing speech Ichigo had jumped up on the couch and chucked a Tom Cruise. Now with his speech over he paused like a video on freeze frame, still with his arms in the air like the guy from the Toyota ad.

Rukia frowned. "Ok...I guess we don't need children. Besides, we have each other."

If a studio audience were present, there would have been a great big, "Aw" but there was only the cameraman who posed his final question.

"So I guess that means Ichigo is the dominant one in the relationship."

"What? Are you kidding? Of course I am. I'm the man. I have to wear the pants in the relationship! The only time a woman wears pants is when she's a lesbian! And Rukia looks way better in dresses anyway! Isn't that right Rukia?"

Ichigo looked over to his bride who appeared to be fuming again. She lashed out with lightning speed and karate chopped him square in the top of the head. He dropped to the floor, landing on his hands and knees and begged for forgiveness.

Rukia then patted him on the head and smiled like a princess, "Good boy! I love you Ichigo!"

"Uh huh." Ichigo murmured as he crawled back up onto the couch. I hmm you too."

The camera ran out of film there, but trust me the scene did not end. Not until Ichigo was in the Intensive Care Unit of the local hospital...

Ah, young love...

Don't you just feel all warm and fuzzy inside now? Well that's not good! That's a sign of cancer! Anyway, I hope you're enjoying this. Remember, any requests are welcome so please review!