A/N: The last chapter! Wow, this has actually been pretty fast. For me, I mean, because this might be the first thing I've actually finished in my life! Yay, breakthrough!

DISCLAIMER: Noting mentioned in the following story belongs to me. Not even a week-old peanut butter sandwich. I wouldn't let it last that long. Assuming I had a jar of peanut butter around me.

Red XIII sat quietly on the side of the room, thinking quickly. There was a bomb in the house, and even if the team managed to escape, the entire sector would blow up. What could they do?

It was a tribute to the pervading stupidity in the air that it took Red three minutes before he figured it out. Find the bomb and defuse it, of course.

'Alright, everyone! Stop!' he yelled. 'I have an idea!'

Nobody listened.

'I HAVE AN IDEA!'

Everyone continued running in circles.

Red sighed, and tried again. 'Anyone who runs in circles is a big, fat Don Corneo!'

Everyone promptly stopped.

'Thank you,' Red said. 'Now, listen to me. We must find that bomb, and defuse it. It's simple. We do that, and nobody gets hurt.'

'Or dies?' Yuffie piped up.

'Or dies. Now, time is of the essence, so we only have five minutes to discuss.'

'Well, Reno came in,' Tifa said slowly. 'He...had some sort of package. That must have been the bomb!'

'Oh, brilliant, Sherlock,' Vincent said acidly.

'Hey! What happened to your I-shall-not-cause-anyone-pain deal!'

He shrugged. 'If I am about to suffer extreme physical pain, I might as well be mean. Besides, knowing Hojo's incompetence, I'm probably not even immortal. And if I'm going to die anyway, there's no point torturing myself for living on if Lucrecia is dead.'

'Ok, whatever!' Cloud yelled. 'We have to find the bomb! So where could Reno have hidden it?'

'He was upstairs, so it must be hidden upstairs. Maybe in Tifa's room?' Aerith suggested.

'He also went into Aerith's room and Yuffie's room,' Tifa said quickly.

'Least he has $# taste,' Cid commented. 'Only a retard would go to Cloud's room.'

Cloud pouted. 'My room is very nice, and you're just jealous that you don't have figurines of yourself and I do. So there!'

'Fine, we don't care,' Red snapped. 'Three rooms, so we split up into three teams, and look for the bomb in the three rooms. Tifa, you take Barret and Vincent and check in your room-'

'But I don't want them to got through my stuff!' she pouted.

'Fine, take Cloud and Cid-'

'I don't want Barret and Vincent handling my stuff either!' Aerith said. 'In fact, I don't want anyone handling my stuff!'

'Yeah,' Yuffie piped up.

'Well, I'm gonna check Yuffie's room anyway,' Cloud said. 'I'm pretty sure she took my new materia, AND that peanut-butter sandwich I made for myself last week!'

Yuffie turned pink. 'I have no idea what you're talking about. Do I look like the type of person who'd steal?'

'Well I ain't going to Aerith's room,' Cid growled. 'The $# smell's enough to make me go insane! All those flowers and that flower-scented air spray and flower-scented bed-spreads and flower petals all over the floor and-'

'How do you know all that?' Aerith asked dangerously.

Cid paled. 'Uh...I'm psychic?'

'Fine, then pick teams yourself!' Red suggested impatiently. Time was ticking by.

The girls stood and thought carefully.

'Well...'

'Hmmm...'

'I dunno...'

'That's it!' Red said. 'We're picking names out of a hat! Get some paper and write all our names on it.'

'Why don't you do it, Mr. Bossy?' Yuffie asked.

'I don't have any thumbs. Now start writing.'

Red moaned impatiently as the team first debated over who should write the names. Vincent was chosen for is superior hand-writing. Then Vincent began the slow and laborious task of making sure he got everyone's name spelt right.

'So Red, should I write Nanaki or Red or Red XIII?'

'Any, it doesn't matter.'

'It does matter. The name you have been given since birth is yours and yours alone. It is an identity, one which you cannot part with, even in death. Ah, Lucrecia, what a name you had! It still lives on in my memory and forever shall...'

'Write Red then, just hurry up!'

'Are you sure? Wouldn't Nanaki be a better option? After all, that is what you were named and-'

'Fine, Nanaki then!'

'But we call you Red, so-'

'Vincent! Just write Red!'

Vincent obliged, and soon the names were written.

'Now to find a hat,' Tifa said. 'Who's got a hat?'

Everyone looked around.

'Oh come on, somebody's got to have a hat! I mean, who doesn't wear hats nowadays?'

'Hold it, I got a hat!' Barret called out. He reached into his back pocket and fished out a huge monstrosity of silk flowers and fake fruits.

Everyone blinked.

'What? It was my wife's favorite hat.'

'Okay...' Cloud took the hat and put the papers inside. 'Now pick!'

Tifa, Aerith and Yuffie picked the pieces.

'I only got one!' Yuffie screeched. 'I want two too!'

'I thought you didn't do ballet!' Cid said, cracking up. 'Get it? She said two too. Tutu!'

Everyone stared at him.

'Cid...don't,' Aerith said. 'Please. Just don't.'

Cid pouted, looking extremely strange, but everyone ignored him.

'Ok, Cloud and Cid are coming with me,' Tifa said. She gave a huge grin, then quickly ironed it out.

'Vincent and Barret are with me,' Aerith said.

'Great!' Yuffie grumbled. 'I'm stuck with the dog!'

'I am still here, Yuffie, in case you'd forgotten!'

'Yeah, yeah, let's just go find the bomb!'

Yuffie pushed open the door of her room and quickly shut it again.

'Oh well that was my room didn't see the bomb there did you, neither did I so I guess it's not there oh well we'd better go look in some the room then!'

Red gave her a stern look. 'Yuffie, what are you hiding?'

'Nothing!'

'Good. Then let's go in.'

He pushed open the door. The room seemed normal enough, but then again, so did Yuffie. It was only when you got to the depth of her character that you saw the true evil, and by then, you were beyond saving. Red shivered.

'Alright Yuffie, start searching. The bomb could be anywhere. Under the bed, in the drawers, in the wardrobe...'

They began looking. Or at least, Red would try to look into a place and Yuffie would rush there before him.

He opened the wardrobe and Yuffie promptly shut it in his face. 'Uh, I'll check it!' she said nervously.

Red peeked under the bed and Yuffie threw herself in front of his line of view. 'I-I'll look here!'

'Yuffie! This is not working! I already know that you stole everything that has been missing in this house since the day you got here! Right now finding the bomb is more important than hiding your crimes! Let me look, and if we survive, I won't tell the others. Deal?'

'Promise you won't tell them? Or be mad?'

'I promise. Now let me search in peace.'

Yuffie turned to look in her drawers when an outraged gasp came to her ears. Turning, she saw Red standing by her wardrobe.

'My chew toy! You stole it! I thought it had been lost! How could you!'

'Ehehehehehehe...you promised you wouldn't be mad with me! You promised!'

Red recalled, to his disappointment, that he had. 'Fine, but give me Chewy back.'

'No way! I use it to swat flies!'

Red turned green. Figuratively, of course. What kind of a name is Green XIII?

'Fine, keep it then. Now hurry, we have to find the bomb!'

They resumed searching the room, during which time Red found a box full of materia, some alarm clocks of questionable origin and a pair of suspiciously familiar violet socks.

'So Red, what does a bomb look like, exactly?' Yuffie's voice floated to his ears.

'I'm not entirely sure what this one will look like...'

'Oh. Because, I wanted to know, is there any possibility that it's shaped like a metal box with lots of wires sticking around and a screen with flashing numbers on it? I wouldn't bother you, but there's something that looks like that stuck to the sandwich I borrowed from Cloud.'

Red stopped and turned around slowly. Yuffie was dangling said sandwich with said device attached to it in a very...care free manner.

'Yuffie,' Red said carefully, 'DON'T put that thing on the ground, okay? Just hold it and DON'T let it touch anything. Just relax.'

Yuffie's eyes widened. 'Red,' she asked in a calm voice, 'am I holding the bomb in my hands?'

Time slowed down. Well, no it didn't, but it seemed like that to Red. 'Yuffie, just relax,' he ordered. Too late.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'VE GOT A BOMB! OH GAWD I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'

The entire AVALANCHE team ran in to the room and gasped.

'You DID steal my sandwich!' Cloud yelled melodramatically, pointing at Yuffie. 'I've had enough!'

'Cloud, stay back!' Tifa yelled. Too late.

Cloud lunged at Yuffie and the sandwich (with the bomb), flew into the air, and landed with a thump on the floor.

Everyone stared as the seven-day-old peanut butter squelched out of the sides and seeped into the bomb. There was a snap, crackle, pop and then silence.

'Did...did it stop?' Barret asked cautiously.

Red slowly went up to the bomb/sandwich. 'I-I think we defused it!'

'Is that a good thing?' Aerith asked.

'Aerith, it means we stopped it from exploding! We're safe!'

'YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!' Everyone began dancing around the room, whooping and cheering.

'We did it!'

'Yeah, go peanut butter!'

'Woohooo! We're heroes!'

'Let's go shave our heads!'

Everyone stared at Vincent, who blushed. 'Forgive me, I was caught up in the moment.'

'Well Vincent, I for one cannot blame you,' Red said happily. 'We've managed to outsmart Rufus Shinra and save the slums. His little device is rendered useless now.'

He gave the bomb a kick. It flew across the room and hit the wall. The screen flickered back to life, and as everyone stared, the screen flickered...3...2...1...

'Thanks a lot Red,' Cloud snarled. 'It's going to take weeks to clean this gunk out my hair!'

'I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know that the bomb would explode peanut-butter everywhere!'

Tifa sighed. 'Geez Red, for a smart person you sure are dumb. EVERYONE knows that's what bomb seeped with peanut butter do.'

The team nodded, all shoveling peanut butter out of the rooms.

'That's impossible Tifa,' Red argued. 'If the bomb was defused by the action of the peanut butter, it would require inflammables or a catalyst to bring about a return of its explosive properties. Besides, there is no possible way so much peanut butter could be generated in the space of a minute.'

'Oh shut up Red,' Yuffie groaned. 'You're dumb. Just deal with it.'

Red stared at her. 'I'm dumb? You people think I'm dumb?'

Aerith patted his head soothingly. 'It's okay, Red. Just face up to it. It's okay if you're stupid.'

Red fought the urge to cry.

Well, glad that's over. Poor, poor Red. Yay, I finished it! Go me, go me! Sorry. Right, so, please review, even if you didn't like it. Please, oh pretty please, whatever sanity I have depends on it! Wow, I have sanity, that's new.