Gosh, I'm so sorry. I've been wanting to get this chapter to you guys for so long, but at my house the internet is slower than a turtle downloading a movie off of iTunes on a Wednesday after noon after waking up from a long nap which was never fully finished because he found out that Family Guy didn't come on yet when it was supposed t-and you know what? Just forget it. Enjoy the chapter! I really had fun with it.
"But what about the pumpkin pie?" Rowley asked as we raced up the stairs. I sighed.
"Rowley, we don't have time for pumpkin pie! Did Orville and Wilbur Wright stop to enjoy a piece of pumpkin pie while test driving their plane? No. They would have crashed. Did Alexander the Great accept a piece of pumpkin pie from his friend's mom while fighting those people? No. He would have been killed. Was Abraham Lincoln thinking about pumpkin pie while he was slaying zombies? No. The zombies would have devoured him faster if he tasted like homemade pumpkin pie. Point is, Rodrick's new girlfriend is a menace and we need to get her out of the house pronto."
"I don't know," Rowley stopped at the top of the stairs to catch his breath. "She doesn't seem like much of a menace to me. I actually think she's kinda cute." I stopped in my tracks and turned to him in super-awesome slow motion. "Never...say that...again." I hissed, a move that I learned from Rodrick. Rowley looked confused. "What? Never say that she's kinda cute?"
"Yes! And-see! You just said it again."
"Said what? Said that she's kinda cute?"
"Rowley!"
"What? Oh, sorry. Well can I say that she looks pretty?
I sighed in disgust. "Just help me look for Twisted Wizard stuff, okay?" Rowley shrugged and we began sifting through boxes of dirty clothes in my closet. After about three minutes I realized that I actually was not the owner of various super-cool wizard clothing like I thought I was and it turns out the best we could do was one of Mom's tan maternity dresses, a cowboy hat, tube socks, bandannas, present wrapping tape, and one of Dad's civil war costumes. "Here, you wear these," I handed Rowley the dress, gift wrapping paper, and one of the tube socks.
"I'm not wearing this! I'll look like a girl!"
"Well...some women are attracted to men who look like girls." I said, putting on the cowboy hat. I did look pretty good if I do say so myself.
"What? That doesn't even make any sense!" Rowley said, still refusing to put on the costume.
"It's something that I once heard Dad say to Rodrick when Mom's eyeliner wouldn't come off after one of his shows. Now shut up and help me tie this tube sock...there. We look good. Now we can go."
"I look like Pocahontas on drugs," I heard Rowley mumble after me.
We snuck into Manny's room and got one of his toy wagons, big enough to fit an aquarium in, not to mention a full grown woman. Next we went into Dad's office and got one of his FedEx boxes that he intended to ship off to his boss in a few days. Okay, I admit we had to dump some, actually, allot of papers out in order to get it…but they didn't look too important. The way I see it, Dad will be thanking me for getting Amedea Arabella Bonfillia Cosima Donna Gabriella Orabella out of the house. Plus, maybe the coffee that we accidentally knocked off of his desk onto the papers will have dissolved by the time he notices that anything has happened. "Okay, here's the plan," I said, "You go down and place this behind Amedea Butterfly Confilia Gabriela Donna's chair without getting caught while I go out and rig up the Christmas lights. Got it?" Rowley nodded. "Okay let's go."
Unfortunately right as we stepped foot on the landing we heard footsteps coming up. "Quick, hide the wagon caravan thing." I wheeled the wagon towards Rowley. "Where am I supposed to hide a big hulking thing like that?" He wheeled it back at me. Panicking, I threw myself over the wagon right as the footsteps reached the landing.
"What are you dorkuses doing?"
"Oh, hi, Rodrick. Me and Rowley were just, um, looking for..."
"Halloween costumes!" I looked at Rowley and he shrugged with a what?-it's-the-best-I-could-do look.
"Oh yeah? In April? I think the carnival caravan left a few months ago, ya freaks." Rodrick crossed his arms, and stared at us with still-bearing-faint-traces-of-black-eyeliner-eyes-which-made-him-look-like-a-sleepy-vampire-wait-now-that-I-think-about-it-maybe-that-was-the-look-that-he-was-going-for-hm,-looks-cool-maybe-I-should-learn-to-do-that-look.
"Well, you can never start looking too early," I told him. "Anyway, we're trying to help you." Honestly, sometimes that boy is clueless. Rodrick laughed.
"Changed my mind, squirt. I don't need your help. You or Pocahontas on drugs over there."
"Oh, yeah? We'll see. By the end of the night you'll…...hey…..wait-what are you doing up here? Aren't you s'posta be downstairs with your girlfriend?"
Rodrick suddenly became very preoccupied with the Löded Diper tattoo on his arm. "I, uh, you know, just wanted to, uh, use the restroom."
"Again? You're hiding from her, aren't you? That's the seventh time you went to the bathroom tonight!"
"Hey, hey, hey, calm down," he said, throwing a worried glanced at the dining room, "My body is on a schedule."
"I'm so sure. Mark my words, Rodrick Heffley, by the time this night is through you'll be-"
But what he'll be, we never found out, because right at that moment, while doing a super cool Matrix backwards-walk move that was supposed to leave a lasting solemn impact, I tripped and fell headlong down the stairs.
8:00pm
Let me tell you something, whoever invented these Christmas lights did not intend for them to be strung up. First of all it was an absolute HASSLE to get them out of the box. It took me like 15 minutes to get them all untangled (I must admit I had to use teeth, fingernails, scissors, and occasionally my toenails) and by the time I was done I was actually contemplating just laying down there in the leaves and taking a nice, long nap but Greg Heffley is (not) a quitter. So that's why I'm out here in the freezing cold balancing on one of Dad's old, wobbly ladders trying to get these Christmas lights hooked to the roof, all the while praying that Rowley wouldn't get caught during his mission.
"Rowley!" I heard Amedea Arabella Bonfilia Cosima Donna Gabriella Orabella's voice waft through the kitchen window, "What are you doing underneath the table? And what's that wagon for, berry? Are you looking for tricky spirits? Because I can help you with that. You know, I actually befriended a tricky spirit once..."
See? This is why I don't pray.
"Yes, Rowley, dear, why are you underneath the table? And where's Greg?" That was Mom.
"Oh, um, I was just picking up my, uh, rat trap!" Rowley bent down and picked up a dusty old rat trap from underneath the table, "And as for Greg he's, um, he's in the bathroom."
"I thought Rodrick was in the bathroom," I watched through the window as Dad got a spooked look on his face.
"No matter then," Mom said, "Come finish your pie."
"Oh, you bet!"
Where was the wagon? I didn't see it in the kitchen and it definitely wasn't behind Amedea Arabella Bonfilia Cosima Donna Gabriella Orabella's chair where it was supposed to be so I decided I'd just deal with it later after I hooked up the stupid lights.
So after twenty minutes of tying, untying, moving, misplacing, finding, accidently breaking, abandoning, kicking, screaming at, envisioning, being inspired by, rethinking, replacing, retying, being unsatisfied by, and finally finishing up with the Christmas lights I trudged inside: cold, tired, and drenched by the sudden surprise rainstorm but still determined.
"Rowley," I hissed from the living room. The kid was sitting at the table, chatting it up with Rodrick's new girlfriend over a second slice of warm pumpkin pie, as happy as a schoolgirl. "ROWLEY!" I hissed louder.
"Sorry, be right back, mon cherie," he said. Amedea giggled. "D'accord, mon amour. Mais vite!"
"Mon sherie?" I asked as he plopped down behind the couch besides me with a weird (dare I say...lovesick?) grin.
"Who knew? She speaks French and is a wiz at Twisted Wizard!"
"That explains," I mumbled.
"What?"
"Nothing. Look, now's the big moment. I rigged up the Christmas lights outside. You go down to the basement and, at my signal, start switching them on and off from the electrical outlet in there. As soon as you do I'll go in the dining room and distract the family. Got it?"
"Got it," we nodded at each other all ninja-like and he was off.
I moved behind a big potted vase in the living room and watched the scene like a hound watches a rabbit. Mom, Dad, and Amedea Arabella Bonfilia Cosima Donna Gabriella Orabella were sitting at the table, talking. Manny had been put to bed and Rodrick still hadn't come back from the restroom. Okay, time to get this operation started in five…..
Four….
Three…
Two…
One…
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! MOM! DAD! GIRL WHOSE NAME I CAN NEVER GET RIGHT! THE POLICE! THE POLICE ARE SURROUNDING THE HOUSE! GO! GO! LOOK AT THOSE FLASHING LIGHTS! OH MY GOD!"
There was a silence as I stood at the center of attention. I hesitantly peeked at the window.
The lights weren't going off.
"Is that my Civil War costume?" Dad asked with a strange look on his face.
"No," I said through gritted teeth. Come on, Rowley.
Mom got up and looked through the kitchen window. "There is no one there, dear," she said, "And it was absolutely reckless of you to go into your father's closet and steal his Civil War costume! What is up with you? Why are you acting up tonight?"
"Must be the False Domains," Amedea said pensively, nodding at her pumpkin pie. Mom shook her head.
"No, Mom, I, look, this is all a big mistake…"
"Well, I don't care what it is, young man. Take your dishes and tell Rowley that you two have to go straight to bed. We'll talk about this in the morning. Amedea, dear, Frank and I are going to bed. I'll wake you up in the morning. Greg, don't forget those dishes."
Mom turned and went up the stairs and Dad, with a fatigued smile, said goodnight and trudged after her. Grumbling, I took my dishes into the kitchen and began to wash them when the most curious sound entered my ears.
"If there was ever a white night
In which I was unfaithful to you
Then my skin most have been waxen
And my lips must have been blue
Because truthfully I'd rather
Be dead than not devoted
Uncensored, I pledge to you
Untainted or sugar-coated
Thank you for my love, my life, my Rrrrrodrick
Thank you for making him such a pleasant and sexy sight
Thank you for the pink that borders his lips
And thanks for what we're about to do tonight *girlish giggle*"
I followed the nice singing into the dining room where Amedea Arabella Bonfilia Cosima Donna Gabriella Orabella was sitting at the kitchen table, scribbling something on her arm with a black pen.
"Oh, Gregory! Come, sit." She smiled at me and pat the seat next to her.
"Oh, no thanks. I'm good right here." No matter how pretty she was, I would not sit next to a girl who just called my brother a 'pleasant and sexy sight.' "Um, what were you singing?" I asked politely.
"Oh, sometimes I just get these sudden bursts of inspiration for a song or poem devoted to the universe. It happens at the most random moments and I always like to record them for a book that I intend to write in the future," she waved her arm at me. "Do you believe in the power of the universe, Gregory?"
"Uh, no,"
She got up and began walking towards me, creepily.
"Well…..you should," she said, so quietly that I almost missed it. I must have been seeing things, but for some reason it looked like the house had darkened and the shadows under her eyes had become more prominent. "You must not fall for the False Domain, the fake religion. The universe created you, it gave to you, and it fed you with its breath, giving you the swirling mass of aura that is your energy today," she got right up in my face and blew across my face. "Believe, Gregory," she whispered, her eyes unblinking beneath blue eye shadow. She ran a claw across my cheek, "Believe in the universe. It is your mother. It is your father and tonight, I shall take your brother and make him believe, whether he likes it or not. Believe, Gregory. Believe."
…ooooooooo-kay….….
There was an awkward silence as her eyes turned back to their normal color. Normal being green, not orange.
"Um, that's great!" I gave her a thumbs up and begin to slowly walk backwards out of the kitchen as her eyes began to turn purple. "I, uh, as for the whole Universe thing I…uh….I'll have to ask my Mom about that. Um, cuz if I go to church and start talking about, uh, fake domains and stuff I might lose some points from up above, you know?" I laughed awkwardly as she began to advance on me again. She giggled lightheartedly.
"Oh, I didn't mean to scare you, Greg. I just, oh, sometimes I get carried away by my whole universe beliefs and all, ha ha ha….."
"Ha ha, right," this was beginning to creep me out. There was no one downstairs to protect me if she started putting me under some voodoo chant curse and my back was coming up against the living room wall. She kept advancing.
"You know, Gregory, I think we'd make a good team. You, me, devoted Universees. Your brother's fine but, his aura's not as…..pretty as yours. Won't you let me…..examine it closer?" She reached out towards me again.
"I, uh, I-!"
We both screamed as an explosion of color burst outside of the living room window. The Christmas lights!
I stumbled and tripped, falling into a misplaced Fedex box near the couch. Amedea tripped and fell on top of me, smothering me with her thick, black hair.
And, of all times, Rodrick just had to walk out of the bathroom right at that moment.
"Hey, guys, what's up? Is dinner over yeeeeeeee-OH MY GOD! MOM! MOM! GREGORY'S DOING FREAKY STUFF TO MY GIRLFRIEND!"
"Oh my goodness, Rodrick, shut u-….the bathroom window, you left it open again," came Mom's sleepy reply, "And go to bed! Now, boys!"
Amedea Arabella Bonfilia Cosima Donna Gabriella Orabella got up and dusted herself off. "Yes, Rodrick, come, we must…..got to bed." She took a shocked Rodrick's arm and led him down the stairs into the basement.
"I'll get you for this, punk!" he sneered as he was led into his room, and then, "GET OUTTA MY ROOM, POCAHONTAS!"
Rowley trudged out of the basement looking cheerful. "So, did it work?" he asked as we walked up the stairs to my room.
"No! Not at all! Why didn't you turn on the lights at my signa-oh." I flushed when I remembered that I had forgotten to do the signal.
"You forgot the signal," Rowley said as we changed into our pyjamas in my room, "I waited and waited for some type of signal, but got none. And then I heard you scream and I thought that might be the signal so I started switching on the lights and then….well…..Rodrick came and kicked me out and, well, here we are."
"But Rowley," I said, "Why didn't you start switching on the lights when you heard me yelling about the police?" Rowley avoided my eyes.
"Wellllllll…Rodrick had these really cool Joshie CDs in his room-who knew? And , well, I kinda got distracted."
I don't know which bothered me more: Rowley blowing off our whole mission because of Joshie Cds or the fact that Rodrick has them.
"Well, whatever, we'll just have to come up with some other plan." I yawned as I curled into my sleeping bag next to Rowley. "Rowley? Why do all of our plans never work?" I murmured.
"I dunno, Greg. Maybe it's because we're getting old."
"Yeah…wait-what? Rowley, we're only in middle school!"
"Yeah, but what with all of these crazy thing's we've done? We must have aged ten extra years!"
"Yeah…." I said, looking up at the ceiling. For once, we actually agreed on something.
That night I fell asleep with a nagging thought that I was forgetting something, something crucial, something that had to do with Rodrick which is what made it crucial. Oh well.