I've got a hundred million reasons to leave. Trying to make the worse seem better is really hard at the moment. My head is stuck in a cycle between love and hate. Love for the good in the world and the amazing people that I have met. Hate for the horrible tragedies of this life. People lie, cheat, and steal. Steal the good parts away from other people, Cheat the system of this fucked up world, deceive the most amazing people in the world. It's hard to believe anyone says anymore. Faith in the good, while you're in pain takes a lot of courage. I have only one good reason to stay, but that reason is failing to never staying that reason. Every heartbreak takes a toll on everyone, trust me I would know. I've been dealing with it for 2 months now. I hate that I have to neglect such an amazing person for the sake of my own pain. About a month in we hanged out with the rest of our other friends and they starting talking about her and I had to separate myself from them. It probably didn't help that I was going through a facebook broken relationships page while sitting on the porch. Everything felt more real than ever at that moment. I was fighting back the tears as I read through. I couldn't cry now, not when he was inside and where people were having fun. Biting my cheek helped but not enough. I had to go back in and face the music, but I knew I couldn't handle it. I secluded myself on the couch in the corner and waited for this night to be over. Nobody really cared. As far as they were concerned I was invisible. After about 2 hours of absolute torture everyone decided to call it a night. Paul and our friend, Emily were on the floor, drunk off their asses looking at her facebook profile and waved me over. I gave them a fake smile and said that I had to go to work in the morning, grabbed my stuff, and then headed to my car. I lost my internal fight. Tears started flowing at the thoughts of this whole situation as I drove down the winding roads. I truly thought I could do it. I could see him and actually talk to him without this happening. My mind was too clueless, but my gut was right. As soon as I got home, I hanged up my keys and went straight to my room and then started to sob uncontrollably in my bed. I never turned on a single light in the house. Darkness reflected on my emotions right now. The thoughts of the most indescribable pain came and went. I think you can guess who the pain is. The worst part of this was I had no one to comfort me, no one to stay that i'm stronger than this, no one to stay fuck this bastard, and that he not worth crying over. Of course my mind would tell me the exact opposite though. I am broken to the point of borderline insanity. Being human is mostly pain and suffering. I can't truly find a place where I truly belong. Everyone takes things for granted. Love is a game, life can be played with, and family is meant to be thrown away to some. I'm more old school to today's society. Love should be honest and true, life needs to be unique and different for each person, family needs to be taken care of and nurtured. That's the major difference and I guess I have to pay the price of being a good person in a bad world. As kids we dream of the perfect life. I've always dreamt of kids, a husband, a big house with a huge yard, and money that can be played with. I can't see it at this moment. All I see is loneliness in a small apartment. No one had ever shown any interest in me. It's always a one way street. I'm sick and tired of getting everything thrown back in my face. It's easy to throw them all under the bus and call them the worst names imaginable. I say those things to hurt them but in the end I hurt myself more. I point my finger but it does me no good. It makes me the bitter person that I never wanted to become. It makes me resort to their level. I can only take responsibility for myself. I always fall for the hopeless people that I think I can help, when they don't want help. I want to make them to see that they can be the best thing in the world when all they can see is the pain and suffering of their own lives. I can be the change they want to see but they wallow in their own pity. It takes two to help.

Now that I think about it, I feels like i'm trying to force it on them. Change can be good and this kind of change is for the good of themselves. Most people with those horrible thoughts resort to drugs and killing themselves because they think they have no one to talk to, no one to support them, and no one to care about them when people are there to do all those things. It would kill me if someone I truly knew did that. No one should ever have to feel alone in any situation. But here I am feeling like the most lonely person in the world. Sadness is what always kills a person. All they want to do is stay in their safe zones until its okay to step back into the world. But those safe zones can take awhile to come out of and break up more relationships. You hide your heart away from harm. Harm from the most vile people and the most pure people because you're scared of everything. People put on acts that they are the pure ones when you pull the veil back they are the vile, hideous, and cruel people.

I had to get up and clean myself up and try to regain my composure. Walking into my bathroom, I started to wash off my black tear streams from my left over makeup. The mirror on the wall was my only friend at this point. The rise and fall of my life, the mirror helped me see the real me. The myth where mirrors can show you who you really are is strong. I see the scars of my life, I see the guilt ridden eyes of my own shame, I see the love tained lips, but most importantly I see the broken woman I have become because of one man. I'm taking beatings left and right from my own brain. I feel pathetic. Why does this have to be so hard to control my own life at this point. Torn wasn't even a word for it. I hated and loved this man to the point of me falling apart.