Chapter 3
A/N While Law & Order UK is essentially a police/CPS procedural series this story is more about the impact of grief so I have put in an extended scene with Ronnie and Matt Devlin's sister.
Ronnie found Alesha in her office making coffee; Jake & Henry had not yet turned in.
"Hi Alesha," Ronnie said.
"Hi," she glanced at him, "You look rough,"
"I couldn't sleep; every time I closed my eyes I could see Matt bleeding out on the pavement and I've never felt so helpless in my life."
"I didn't get much sleep either for the same reason," she got up, "do you want coffee?"
"Yes please. I'm not quite with it yet."
Alesha made the coffee in silence and pressed the mug into Ronnie's hand.
"I need to keep busy. I need to feel like I'm doing something to help catch Matty's killer and put him away."
"I know," Alesha made sympathetic noises."What you're wondering is will a copper who never knew Matt care enough to pull out all the stops?"
"Yeah, that's about the size of it."
"Chandler knew him and she wouldn't let anything get in the way, don't worry. Matt was one of her boys and she won't want to see anyone get away with this."
"But she won't let me help. I would have thought having someone who knew him on this case would be essential to the right result."
"I know Ronnie," Alesha put her hand on his shoulder, her dark eyes filled with concern, "how are you really?"
"I'm pretty numbed," he admitted, "I haven't shed a tear for him yet; I have tried but the tears won't come although the anger at the tragic waste is very much there and I think that is what will carry me through to the end even if I can't help."
He sighed.
"But at least I kept away from the booze last night so I'm quite proud of myself for that."
"Yes you should be and Matt would have been proud too. Have you been offered counselling?"
"Talking to some doctor who has no experience of the job and who did not know Matt won't help me, Alesha. They would not understand how and why I am so angry and that won't help me. I got through without counselling when I lost my partner before and I will get through this as well,"
The phone on Alesha's desk rang and she answered it.
"Crown Prosecution Service. This is Alesha Philips speaking."
She listened for a moment.
"That's fine, I'll tell him."
She hung up.
"Ronnie that was Natalie. Matt's sister is due at the police station shortly to collect his personal effects. She says it might help her to meet someone who worked closely with Matt. I'll keep looking at the Mark Ellis angle because I just know there is a connection; I just have to find it."
"Thanks Alesha," Ronnie forced a smile.
OO
He went to the M.I.U Headquarters. Matt Devlin's sister was a slender blonde woman in what Ronnie estimated to be her late twenties. He never had been that good at judging ages by the mere sight of a person. She was carrying a box containing Matt's personal effects. But she had her brother's bright eyes and Ronnie could detect a more than passing family resemblance to Matt which made his heart ache.
"This is DS Ronnie Brooks," Chandler said, "He was Matt's partner."
"I'm sorry for your loss," Ronnie said.
"Thank you; it must be a huge loss to you as well."
"Yeah, Matt was a good friend and a top class copper."
"You hear on the news that a copper has died in the line of duty and from that moment on you're tensed like a coiled spring; waiting for the call or he knock on the door that might confirm your worst fears. Whether you believe in God or not you find yourself praying," her eyes were filling with tears so Ronnie sat beside her.
"Did Matt suffer?" she asked.
"It was all over pretty quickly yet in other ways it was like slow motion but no, I don't think he suffered."
Ronnie could know for sure, of course he couldn't and hated himself for spinning out all the empty platitudes that featured in the "breaking bad news" aspects of police training. It seemed okay to use them with strangers but in the presence of a fallen colleague's relative it seemed somehow wrong.
"He talked about you a lot," she said, "he had a lot of respect for you and he really liked you although he made fun of your choice of football team."
"I get that everywhere," Ronnie smiled, "what galls me is I have been married too many times, drunk far too much and got kids who don't speak to me unless they have to. Matt didn't have the chance to do any of that but he would have made a good husband and father. I know because I wasn't."
"Don't be too hard on yourself, Ronnie," she placed her hand on his arm, "I can call you Ronnie?"
"That's my name love," he smiled. He liked Matt's sister and wished they could have met in happier circumstances.
"I don't know you Ronnie but I am sure you did your best and that is all any of us can ever do."
Ronnie felt for her but admired her all the same because she seemed to be holding up rather well although Ronnie felt sure it would be a different matter later on when she was alone with Matt's things.
"You will get them won't you?" she asked.
"I'm not allowed to investigate this one," he sighed, "and it's the one case that would mean the most for me to get a result on but DI Chandler will do what she can and we have a good working relationship with the CPS. I can't promise of course but Matt was one of our own."
"I appreciate your honesty and I know that getting the right person behind bars won't bring him back but he would want you to see it through."
"That's what we intend to do," Ronnie sighed, "Seven years ago I was a mess; I was an alcoholic, but last night I made my way home past countless pubs and off-license and I didn't touch a drop."
"You should be really proud of yourself for that, Ronnie."
"Yeah, I am."
"It's bad enough for me to be told he's dead but you were there and saw it happen; that must be a million times worse in a way."
"I have had better days," Ronnie forced a smile.
"Look after yourself Ronnie," she put her hand on his shoulder.
"Of course,"
Ronnie left soon after that. A fog was descending. As he walked Ronnie thought about how the murkiness of human depravity clung close to the skin; ingraining itself deep into the pores and psyche of those paid to investigate it. Along with the detritus of personal problems it clung to you like a heavy invisible cloak which could be felt yet not seen and Ronnie sensed that, even were he to hand in his warrant card tomorrow, the stink of the dregs of humanity would never wash away completely. It tainted memories and enhanced negativity and there was no getting away from having its talons cling to your shoulder.
Ronnie made himself a cup of coffee and stood at the kitchen window. He replayed the last few hours; Matt's murder, his meeting with Matt's sister and the emotions it had dredged up and finally Ronnie Brooks allowed himself to cry for the terrible waste Matt's loss had caused.
