So I'm in the Mens room now.

My face is pressed into the cool of the mirror; I'd already splashed my face with cold water. My hands are shaking, dripping with water. I wish I had some ice. Blessed coolness, lost in the cold. But I can't, because no matter how much cold water I splash on myself here, it won't take away the heat. It's threatening to consume me, and I don't have the slightest idea what to do. I haven't thought about a girl since...Ellie. Once I realized I was gay, I pretty much lost all interest in women as sexual beings. Oh, I can still appreciate a beautiful girl, but it's like appreciating a painting or a statue. Pretty, but it doesn't move me that way, if you know what I mean.

I dry off my face and hands, then smooth a hand down the front of my pants. Any other man wouldn't have cared--this is a strip club, after all. Naked ladies in various states of undress gyrating on stage. Men are supposed to tent their pants here. But what would they say if they knew a gay man was in their midst, turned on by a former classmate he's had a prickly relationship with, at best? No, I wasn't turned on by her, it wasn't her. I've just been messed up by my hurt over Dylan cheating again, and comparing the two of them, how each moves, and remembering old times, Dylan holding me, touching me...the heartache flares again, but so does the heat and I latch on to that, seeking refuge in it. There, safe. Guys turn me on in general, Dylan in particular. Or at least he did. Well, he still does, I just don't do it for him anymore. But at least I'm back on familiar ground. I shake my head, smile ruefully at the pale, slightly shaken image in the mirror, then open the bathroom door. Time to head home.

Well, that was the plan, anyway. Halfway to the door, someone grabs my arm and spins me around. Oh, God. Alex. Damn.

"Hey there, Cowboy," she says, laughing. "I told you I'd get you back! What are you doing here?" I try to answer her, but all of a sudden that lump is back in my throat and all I can do is shake my head. Alex--when did she get so perceptive?--automatically put her arm around me and shouted to some guy that she needed to take a break. The guy shook his head and shouted back that the house was full and she needed to get her ass back on the floor. She thought for a moment, then said, "Lap dance, this guy here!" pulling me closer. The man looked at me dubiously; I guess my face didn't exactly register sexual excitement. But I put a large smile on my face and slipped an arm around her, and she smacked my arm away, grinning and reminding me that customers couldn't touch the girls. I guess we were convincing enough, because the guy relaxed and nodded as Alex took my hand and led me to a back room with a mini stage and a chair, which she pushed me into. This room was a private room with a door, and she closed it securely, flipping a switch, then turning to me.

"Ok, spill, Del Rossi. I gotta warn you, though, this little therepy session's gonna cost you forty bucks. I am on the clock, you know." She sat on the floor in front of me and looked up expectantly. I sigh, dragging my fingers though my hair, wondering where to begin.

"Dylan's cheating on me again," I hear myself saying. Might as well shoot straight, no sense in sugar coating anything for my own comfort. Alex wouldn't. She's quiet for once, nodding to encourage me to continue, so I do. "I don't know what the hell to do anymore! Dylan was my life! He completed me. We were a couple, for crying out loud! He knows how much he hurt me when he cheated the first time and he promised, he promised me that he'd never do this again! How could he...how? My voice had climbs with rage at the beginning and I jump up, pacing, but the last two words come out in tortured whispers and I plop back down in my seat, head in my hands, breathing ragged as I struggle for control. My heart's beating so hard that I barely hear Alex's soft words.

"Del Rossi, hyou're an idiot." I snap my head up to stare at her, suprised. How can she be saying this.

"What do you mean?" I say. "An idiot? Alex, my heart is breaking here!" I'm wounded. I mean, if anyone should understand, I thought Alex would be the one. All that she's been through with Paige. I mean, Paige has never actually cheated on Alex, but the little yo-yo situation she's dragged Alex into, denying her bisexuality while using Alex as a backup in her confusion, well...but I shut out my thoughts to listen to what she has to say. And I can tell she's about to gear up.

"Yeah, and idiot. You put all your eggs in one basket. Dylan this, Dylan that, Dylan and me, me and Dylan, Dylan Dylan, yawn. When you weren't glued to his side, his name was constantly in your mouth. I wondered how you managed to eat most times. Frankly, sweetie, you've got to get your own thing going and not depend on anyone to do it for you. Ask my mom about that. No one completes or defines you, Marco. You do that for yourself, and anyone else who comes into your life is an enhancement. Nothing more, nothing less.You chase after Dylan like a little lap dog, and that makes you pathetic" Her breathing's as jagged as mine at this point, though her face is neutral. I can tell she's thinking about Paige and she's just as angry as I am. Something mean in me goads her, wanting her to be as mad as I am, to finally admit to someone else her feelings and the situation with Paige.

"Oh, you're one to talk! Is Paige anywhere on your calendar this week? No? Oh, that's right, she's out looking for a new boyfriend! And here you are, shaking your ass for money when all you really want to do is spend the night cuddled up with the girl of your dreams!" I'm bent over at this point, screaming the last sentence in her face. She pushes me away and hops up, and despite the situation I once again notice how quick, how lithe she is when she moves. Just like Dylan. My admiration stops when she grabs my shirt again and hauls me up until we're face to face.

"Don't you dare talk down your nose to me, del Rossi! Paige is the one who doesn't know what she wants, not me! Don't talk what you don't know! At least I can say mine's confused, what excuse do you have? You had your man twice and couldn't keep him either time!" She's starting to shake me now, hand fisted in my shirt. I try to push her away, and when I do, she falls against the mini stage, taking three of my buttons with her. She yelps in suprise, then glares at me, the anger on her face sliding into fury. My own anger slides up several notches as something dark seems to let loose in the room. We're both caught in the same situation. And we're stuck. Loving people who don't--won't--love us back. And we're pissed. Everything cobines in my head--our situation, where I'm at, that it's Alex I'm fighting when Dylan is the one I want to have this out with..and the similarities between the two of them. There were no similarities before tonight. I talked with Alex constantly at Degrassi once we were elected to our Student Council offices, but it was always about school. Nothing personal. She wasn't exactly social, and everyone was afraid of her. She's been around the house a lot lately, but that's only been when Paige has dragged her over. Even next to Dylan, talking with him, I never noticed any similarities. But to note those now, the fluidity of movement, the outspoken, straight and forward manner of speech, the take charge attitude, hell, even the somewhat masculine way Alex can move at times--especially when she's angry--all these things combine to confuse, yet stir me in a way I don't understand. And that confused excitement makes my fury boil over into unthinking rage.

She grabs me, and an angry Alex is like a force of nature. She slaps me with her free hand, catching me with one of her rings. Unthinkingly, I slap her back. We both freeze, our eyes widening, Alex cradling her cheek. I know she's got issues with abuse, having seen her mom go through a fair share of loser boyfriends. And I've never in my life hit a woman. Hell, I've never hit anyone, let alone, most especially, a woman. I don't have time to think, though, because Alex. Is. Pissed.

"You son of a bitch," she snarls, rushing me. I knew she was going to attack, what I wasn't prepared for was her right hook. Damn!! Stars exploded in my head as I rock back from the force of the blow. She's strong, and fueled by anger. I've never been in a fight before, and it figures I'm going to get my first ass whipping at the hands of a girl. In a strip club, no less. Why am I thinking now? She punches me again, and when I reel back and shake it off, I get a moment to look at her. She's screaming at me now, cursing me and telling me to get out or she'll call the bouncer and he'll really whip my ass. But the way she's standing, the angle of her body...Just. Like. Dylan. Dylan. My mind goes blank but I feel my body move.

I rush her, grabbing a handful of hair. She shrieks and starts hitting me. We're struggling, calling each other names, but I'm not sure we're fighting each other anymore. At least I'm not. I'm looking at Alex, but it's not really her face I'm seeing. My hands are grasping curly blond locks, so soft! Eyes wide and blue as the sky. Eyes you can drown in. And I have, so many, many times. Mouth, full and warm and inviting, so soft. I have to make him understand how much I need him, love him. I lower my head.

"Marco?" my name, but I can barely hear it.Dylan. "What the hell are you doing? We're both ga-" I cut him off mid-sentence.

"Don't leave me," I whisper, then I reclaim my Beloved.