Chapter 3

At first, the stream of thought was organized, memories of Elizabeth's time with the Asurans, of everything she'd learned of the Kirogen; but then, as though she'd hit an exponential data curve, or mentally stumbled when his own emotions and thoughts hit her, all of a sudden he felt more, more emotions, less order. Longing and sorrow and pain-loneliness-betrayal; affection and caring and love -god *that* felt good! How could feeling someone's...

"Elizabeth."

Somehow saying it out loud made it more real, gave substance and connection to the nebulous feelings and thoughts now hovering around his mind, just barely separate from him; the house next door, with every window and wall transparent and no more restraining than smoke.

{Yes. Hello John.} This time he could *see* Elizabeth's smile, could feel her indulgent affection all around him like the great arms of a hug, feel her respond to his own pleasure -he wondered if she was 'seeing' him grinning like a dope.

Along with the emotional downpour, he could see, skipping by, daisy-chained to each other and to some thought one of them brought to the fore, her mirror-memories of the hundreds of little moments they'd shared over the years, and hundreds where they'd been apart; a lifetime. It was almost overwhelming how much he wanted to bury himself here, sit and watch the stream of her memories and compare them with his; sit and *feel*, even though he felt anger and annoyance at *him* in some.. even *many* of those memories. Even though he responded with shame as he realized how he'd hurt her at times.

It was.. beyond strange to not feel panic of fear or worry at this change in his mind. But he discovered that, contrary to popular legend, *knowing* Elizabeth.. didn't make him love her less. Didn't diminish the sometimes-awe and deep respect he had for her. Didn't even make him feel less like his own self. And how could he worry about her thinking less of him when he was right there as she learned all that *he* was. And *loved* him..

{Hey-} Before she could 'verbally' remind him that they had work to do, he felt the floor shiver under his feet; and Elizabeth was gone.

{NO!} The panic was bone-deep this time, his mind almost gibbering at the sudden freezing loss; too many times loss, he *couldn't*-

{John!} The voice was there before he registered the return of her thoughts; and he was reaching, this time without restraint, trying, desperately trying, to hold on to her, knowing he didn't know *how* to hold *this*.. {John, please.} Love-worry-command, {We have to hurry, they're making a mess of the Atlantis computer with their attempts to take control away from us. I think I've got your pain pathways rerouted, try to walk.}

When John, all too automatically obedient of the woman he'd taught himself to listen to, made his mind focus outward again, he found the pain was indeed a lot less, but now the weakness was more obvious; lack of coordination settling in. He pushed off the wall carefully, his balance made even more iffy as his mind continued to cling to her; a child's terror not yet letting him think clearly on his own. Taking a step, he wished Elizabeth would *talk*; he couldn't focus on making his muscles move at the same time as truly reaching to see her 'mind', and the hunger for her had grown even more overwhelming with that moment of loss. He *needed* to have her within him; 'take over' sounded like heaven...

And then she was there again, giving him her image, in a never-seen red silk shirt and relaxed jeans, no less, to relate to, her 'arms' reaching around him and helping to hold him up; mental imagery at its best, he thought with a grin that she tried to return through her worry. He was too weak; they both knew it wasn't a good sign. {All right. I'm not sure what to talk about though.}

He tried to smile physically, but then switched it to the mental kind; moving his physical body was too taxing. {Anything; everything. What happened to you. What does it feel like to be inside Atlantis.} Do you really love me?

Primary in the wave of feelings that swept up through the presence around him was.. something he would have had a hard time understanding as a teenager. Now.. now he understood soul-deep love; he could barely contain a moan as he felt it rising, felt it as such a part of him. Not merely affection or attraction, but love for a whole person; a soul that you felt drawn to. To have that *aimed* at him... {Yes, I really do,} the feeling of sadness and her sigh were so timed he almost didn't catch the difference, {If I'd known how you feel, *felt*-}

He mentally smiled into her sad eyes, not strong enough to do the mental trick to hug her in his mind while continuing to walk in reality. {Nothing would have been different. They'd have destroyed your career.} And for him, that was the end of the story. He would never risk her career; or her reputation for that matter, for such a selfish reason.

{Even if *I* loved *you*?} Since he felt honest questioning from her, a stillness of curiosity reaching for his real thoughts, he tried to bring to the fore the feeling that swept through him at the idea of being the cause of any harm coming to her.. Only realizing too late the proximity of his worst memories to those feelings. {John. That wasn't your fault..} He could feel her slipping deeper into him, feel his memories of horror and pain coming up to the fore, but also being stroked and shielded with her 'touch', {I *never* blamed you. Saving you, and Rodney, Ronon and Atlantis, was all I had left. I-} He was too tired to speak, but he could still pull out his own memories of denial. Could insist that they would have found a way... {-It doesn't matter. It's done.} The smile she wore was almost cheerful now, a strength he clung to as it wrapped around him, {This isn't so bad, you know. I'd given up hope of ever even *seeing* you again, but this...} He would never have believed that if he couldn't feel for himself how at peace she now was with her state of existence.

Before he could answer, she interrupted, suddenly less present, her attention split away from him, {Atlantis would like to talk to you,} she grinned, trying to cheer him up, {It says I've been hogging the line.} Then he felt the old childlike stream of ideas that was Atlantis, this time with Elizabeth still present. Guiding it, he thought, as Atlantis skittered through his awareness in its version of chatter, leaving the feeling of relief with having a new friend and eagerness to get rid of their attackers, to help. Fear at John's injuries and the pain he was unconsciously sending, even with Elizabeth deflecting.

{He'll be alright,} John heard Elizabeth soothing the computer, smiling at the strange image of a phantom Elizabeth holding an ancient piece of software by the shoulders to reassure it, {He's going to help us, and then we're going to make sure others come to help *him*. Why don't you go back to trying to keep our other friends safe?}

{Rodney?} John felt bad for not having even thought of the others in so long, wondering what else he was forgetting in this injured fog.

Elizabeth re-solidified in his mind, care again surrounding him tightly as she slipped under his uniform black shirt-clad 'arm' to hold him, bringing up her knowledge of everyone's location on a map of Atlantis, her knowledge of their health through memories of watching their encounters and analyzing, {They're.. okay. Some injuries, but all alive. We've been trying to herd them away from danger, but it's not easy when we don't have complete control over Atlantis anymore.} He finally recognized the door to the chair room in front of him and actually sighed in relief, stumbling to a halt as he tried to organize his thoughts to remember what he needed to do to power it. {This control panel,} he looked around for something that fit the image she sent with the words, {Should be th- yes, that one. You'll need to flip these 3 switches, then..}

It took a good 10 minutes to get everything powered and stabilized enough for use and John was feeling weaker with every second. By the time he dropped clumsily into the chair, he was clinging to Elizabeth's connection to stay conscious as his body failed to provide the strength; and instead tried to drag his mind down into unconsciousness. When the Ancient interface responded to his presence and linked him up to Atlantis even more deeply, half his mind couldn't resist the strengthened tug and buried itself in the foggy thought-stream that was Elizabeth, losing himself in her memories and thoughts, drifting in a world made of instants of life, and instants of imagination. He watched with the other half as she slipped in with a reassuring mental touch to his cheek and used his body to run the chair. He was just glad he was off the hook, glad that between his link to her computer-based thoughts and his body's link to Atlantis, she might be able to keep his body awake long enough to finish the job.

He was exploring her memories, taking them in and giving back how *he* felt and moving on to the next pulse of electrical life. Content to wonder if what he 'saw' was his own mind's interpretation of the information it was getting.. or if this really was some kind of 'reality'. He faintly heard the self-destruct activate at the same time as he found a section of memory that he couldn't simply slide into. {Elizabeth?}

She was distracted as she answered his confusion and he heard his own voice, feeling far detached from his thin link to that poor beaten body, going over the loudspeakers saying the city would self-destruct unless the invaders retreated. {They're.. personal, intimate thoughts. I-} In this odd mental imaging they'd developed to communicate, she gave him a slightly embarrassed look, {Fantasies. I tried so long to keep them out of the hands of the Asurans, that I must have.. automatically shielded them again..}

H was half tempted to nod and move on, not wanting to find out about the men she'd known, but another half of him.. couldn't care less. He was so weak now that he could feel himself losing strength, even here. Jealousy took too much energy; he wanted to know she remembered being happy, remembered pleasure, that was all. And he found that he didn't want to have any secrets; he'd always felt so alone that this was blissful, even when he'd stumbled into the mass of furious hurt she'd felt as he disobeyed her orders. She'd cared; and he could make it up to her now, he really could, as amazing as it was to feel her respond to his love with healing.

{..Okay.} He felt the terror she was feeling at his fading strength, {John? I love you, I really do. Please remember that...}

He couldn't lie about their chances, wouldn't, but he could tug on every memory of *his* love, every scrap of affection she'd ever made him feel. He knew she could reach for his memories on her own now, but she was busy fighting for Atlantis. If he brought the memories up she could feel them as she worked, and if he died before she had time to relax.. she'd know that she hadn't been alone either. She laughed a little at some of the silly things that had melted him over the years and he winked, resolutely reaching toward her still-hazed, but now accessible memories. Hoping she would live on after he died.. hoping she would remember him.. would remember she was loved. Regretting that he wouldn't be there to protect her.

He had travelled the land of her memories without her specific guidance up until now, but this time he felt her nudging him and he obeyed without hesitation, trusting her with everything that was left of him. Willing to take her hint; or was it a recommendation? he grinned at the idea before the memory she had tugged-up snared his attention.

And he decided that *this* was indeed a good way to die, if there was such a thing. He tightened the link to her actual -current- thoughts, wanting to feel the *life* there, the echo of her thoughts as she strained to keep his body moving, to get the enemy out of the city and his people organized. He wanted to be connected to her while he 'sat' and watched/felt her favourite daydream. He knew there were other ones right near, if he just shifted his attention ever so slightly.. but right now, sitting in an overstuffed armchair with Elizabeth siting in his jean-clad lap and learning him with her lips... was 'good'. Toying with the capabilities of the strange environment, he inserted how he thought *he* would feel into the daydream, melding it with her thoughts and thoroughly enjoying the thrill of responding pleasure he felt from her.

He hardly had even a thread of connection left to his body and faintly wondered what would happen when he died. Would he cease to exist.. or might Atlantis have stored.. *this*; maybe he'd *also* continue to exist within the city... that might not be so bad. Multi-threading, he could spend the day kissing Elizabeth *at the same time* as he both fixed Rodney's equations *and* set up pranks for him!

*If* he lived. If he didn't.. Oh well. Elizabeth kissing every inch of his jaw as he lolled in comfort was no bad way to fade away from this world.