I used to just assign numbers to the brainbots, but coming up with names is more fun. (Only one is named here, but still.)
Music Man could have hired someone to do his shopping, but he liked to be out and about. He also liked to take his four-door truck rather than fly, especially if he had a lot of bags he didn't want to crush, and grocery shopping always meant a lot of bags.
He came out of the store, whistling 'Rollin' on a Jetstream,' put the bags in the back seat, and got behind the wheel.
The middle of the steering wheel popped off and a banana cream pie flew out, smashing him in the face.
Huh. I thought the steering column looked kinda bulky, he thought, swiping whipped cream and pie crust out of his eyes. At least there weren't any photographs to worry about this...
He looked up sharply at the clicking of buttons.
Three people in the parking lot had caught it on their phones.
"Nice look, Music Man!" a man shouted.
Reminding himself that swooping down on them and taking their phones would be stealing, Music Man started up the truck and got out of there. At least one pic had probably gotten onto the internet by now, anyway. The internet, the only thing faster than superspeed.
Time to hit Megamind where it hurt.
The next mealtime at the Lair was a guessing game.
Minion opened a frosting container. "I think I found the sour cream."
"Finally," Roxanne said, glopping a spoonful onto her baked potato. She sprinkled a few white particles from the salt shaker into her hand and carefully tasted one of them. "Still salt." She sprinkled it over the potatoes and green beans.
When she reached for the ketchup, Megamind touched her arm. "Better not, hon. It's chocolate sauce."
"Damn it, Wayne," Roxanne growled. "Minion, do we have any more ketchup?"
"Yep, we got some, Miss Ritchi." He got out a fresh bottle.
"You find out where the whipped cream is yet?" Megamind said, eating another spoonful from the mayonnaise jar.
"Ugh, do you have to do that, Megs?"
"It's vanilla frosting."
"You should put it in a bowl first." She put her head in her hands. "I can't believe I said that. Are you going to eat some real food before you have dessert?"
"There's chocolate all over my burger. So, no." Megamind made a face and put the jar down. "Oh, yuck. He didn't clean the last of the mayo out very well."
Roxanne pushed her plate aside. "I think I lost my appetite, too. Sorry, Minion. It really does look good, but do you mind if I eat it later?"
"I'll save it, Ma'am."
"We're going out to eat," Megamind said, pushing his chair back. "Anywhere you like." He reached out a hand to help her to her feet.
"As long as it's not burgers. What is it with the food switching?"
"I know, it's so juvenile." Megamind rolled his eyes. "Hold on," he said as they reached the invisible car. "Minion, the scanner, if you please."
After x-raying the car, he ferreted out two whoopie cushions and a spring-loaded rubber snake in the glove compartment.
The next day Bernard got back from a meeting to discover eighteen distraught texts from Wayne. With a sigh, he called him back. "How come I don't get any sext messages anymore?"
"Megamind did something to my computer!" Wayne said. "You gotta fix it."
"What's wrong with it?"
"I'm trying to send an email, but every time I type in the word 'the,' it changes to... to something else."
"To what?"
"A... a bad word. Oh, gosh, I can't even..."
"Sounds like he messed around with the autocorrect. Can't you tell him to quit sneaking into your place?"
"But then I won't be able to sneak into his place. Then what am I gonna do?"
"Oh, I don't know, quit the stupid contest?"
"Berna-a-ard!"
"Fine," Bernard groaned. "Okay, let's fix the autocorrect. First, go into your settings."
"Wait. Settings? Is that the little gear thingy... whoops, I think I turned it off."
Bernard rubbed his eyes under his glasses. This could take a while.
Megamind and Minion came home to find the brainbots gleefully strewing rolls of toilet paper around the Lair.
Roxanne came out of the kitchen. "Probably easiest if you let them wear themselves out," she said, nodding at the brainbots zipping around, streamers flying from their jaws and wrapping up their tentacles. "And there's about a million ball bearings on the kitchen floor, so watch your step."
"What? Where did..."
"They were in the cupboard. I just about got a heart attack."
"Oh, my poor darling," Megamind said, putting his arm around her. "I will deliver swift retribution on that scoundrel."
"I'll settle for you sweeping out the kitchen." She smiled brightly. "Any idea when the insanity will end?"
"When I have crushed the foe beneath the awesome weight of my pranks, and he begs for mercy."
"I'm almost there myself," Roxanne said, frowning at the excited brainbots.
Megamind smiled wickedly. "Oh, but you will beg for mercy, my precious..."
"NOT in the mood, Megs," Roxanne snapped, pushing his hand off. "Really not in the mood."
Megamind watched her stride off to the living room.
Minion coughed. "Sir, do you think... that maybe..."
Megamind shot him a glare. "I do not want to even hear the word 'quit,' Minion. We are going to win this little prank war. Music Mahn started it, but I will finish it."
Music Man didn't leave his hideout for a week. He didn't dare. But eventually Bernard insisted he meet him for lunch at their favorite diner.
Eventually it dawned on Bernard that Wayne's attention was elsewhere. There was a certain glassy look in his eyes.
"You're watching your hideout with your telescopic sight, aren't you," Bernard said.
Wayne blinked. "What? No, no, babe, I'm right here." He reached out and gently squeezed Bernard's hands. "Listening to every word."
After a few minutes, Bernard could tell that Wayne was drifting off again.
"You know what, I better get back to the museum," Bernard said, throwing down his napkin.
Wayne grimaced. "I'm really sorry I've been so distracted. But I think there's one way to get my attention. An extra long break, back at my place?" He smiled his most winning smile and raised a suggestive eyebrow.
Bernard snorted and shook his head. "You're just trying to get back home quicker. He doesn't dare try to sneak in while you're there."
Wayne reached under the table and stroked Bernard's thigh. "Please? I'll make it worth your while."
Bernard felt his irritation drain away. Eventually, he allowed Wayne to persuade him to go back to the hideout.
There was a cardboard box sitting on the coffee table with 'Music Man' written on it in black marker.
"I can't believe this," Wayne cried. "Would you look at that, Bernie? He must think I'm the stupidest person in the world!"
"What's in it?"
"It's another cream pie on a spring. Geez." He swooped over to it. 'This thing's goin' in the lake."
"Wait," Bernard said, holding up his hand. He had a bad feeling about this. "He must've known you'd see through it, I think you better..."
Wayne picked it up.
Smoke and whipped cream burst out of the pie box. The fire alarm went off, setting off the sprinklers in the ceiling. Wayne and Bernard stared at each other in the downpour.
Wayne cleared his throat. "I guess there was a pressure switch. Underneath the box. Triggered it when I picked it up. Heh."
Bernard glared. "You can take me home, now."
Megamind examined all the Lair's food and drink regularly, tested every chair before anyone sat in it, and sent brainbots ahead before going through any door. A week went by, but he maintained vigilance.
It was all for naught.
Megamind and Minion came home one afternoon to find the Lair carpeted with glitter.
They looked around, mouths hanging open. It was strangely quiet, except for Roxanne back by the wall of monitors, talking in short, loud bursts into her phone.
Cautiously, Megamind walked through the Lair. A crowd of brainbots huddled behind the giant battlesuit. They looked strangely sparkly, even more than normal. They, too, had been coated with the stuff. Several other brainbots were attempting to sweep up some of the glitter.
Megamind picked up a shred of purple rubber off the floor. "Balloons. Filled them with glitter, and gave them to the brainbots."
"Yikes. That's a good one," Minion said in hushed tones.
Megamind nodded glumly, but he didn't feel in any position to appreciate the ee-vilness of the prank. He glanced at Roxanne, who still had her back to them, with her phone to her ear.
"No, I don't think so," she snapped. "I got my own cleaning crew, and I really don't feel like seeing you right now."
Megamind snatched a whisk broom from one of the brainbots. "Quick, get a garbage bag," he whispered at Minion. He could see Roxanne's profile, and it was a very angry profile.
Roxanne said, "Yeah, well, I live here too, remember? And I don't appreciate my home getting trashed, Wayne. Stay out of my house unless I invite you, and you better not give any more fun little toys to the brainbots. Got it?" She clicked off the phone. "Hi, Megs," she said, her voice bright and hard.
Hastily he swept a pile of glitter into a wastebasket. "Yes, dear. I mean, um, hi!"
She snapped, "Hypatia, drop it!"
The brainbot dropped the unpopped balloon it had found and darted away guiltily. Megamind grabbed the offensive glitter bomb and dropped it into Minion's bag. "Have it cleaned up in no time, my love," he said.
Roxanne crossed her arms. "No more breaking into each other's homes. All right?"
"Fair enough."
"I was trying to be cool about this," she said, waving a hand around. "I knew there'd be a certain amount of chaos when I moved in, I knew that, I accepted it. But I didn't sign up to be everybody's mommy, or the wet blanket girlfriend who has to make you guys behave. But this is going too far, so I guess I have to be the grown-up who sets boundaries. I suppose you expect me to storm out of here and go stay at my mother's, like every bad stereotype in existence?"
"Er..." Some primal male instinct warned him there was no right answer.
"Well, I'm not getting chased out of my own house! I'm gonna go play Warcraft, and when I come out, the place will be clean." She made a stop in the kitchen first, and got a bottle of wine and a glass, then went into the bedroom.
Some hours later Megamind padded into the bedroom.
Roxanne put down the game controller and stretched. "All done?"
"All done in, more like." He gestured at her glass. "Mind if I..."
She nodded, "Yeah, have the rest. I think I'm done. My reflexes are shot." She wiggled her thumbs. "Why are you in your underwear? Trying to soften me up?"
"Is it working?" He grinned, waggled his eyebrows, and drank the rest of the wine in the glass, then poured another. "That damn glitter really sticks. I looked like a walking mirror ball. Minion thought I should try to keep the glitter out of our room, so I stripped by the washing machine." With a groan he eased himself onto the bed. He lifted his hands, turning them around with a scowl. "But look at this! More glitter. Even under my nails. It's hopeless."
Roxanne giggled. "There's not too much." She crawled over the bed to lay her head on his chest and he put his arm around her, drawing her close.
He drained the glass and put it on the nightstand. "Sorry it got a little too crazy around here." He pressed his cheek to her head.
She said, "I think I could better handle a bunch of supervillains trying to break in. Because you'd see to it that they'd never try it again. But this..."
His chest rose and fell as he sighed. "I know, I know. I can't keep Music Mahn out, no matter what defenses I put in place."
"You could have just told him to keep out."
"That's as good as admitting fear. Never!"
She chuckled.
After a moment he said, "You realize, of course, that your restriction gives me the advantage."
She lifted her head to look at him. "I suppose it does. Do I dare ask what you have in mind?"
"So many things have computers in them these days. Refrigerators, alarm clocks, coffee makers. So vulnerable. So hackable from remote locations." He smiled ee-villy.
She squeezed him tight. "Oh, don't get started on all that tonight! I want you here. You don't get much time off."
"I am yours for the rest of the evening." He kissed her on the cheek. "My next prank is devilishly simple."
"What did you do?"
He shrugged carelessly. "Minion went over there in invisibility mode with a couple of vats of tapioca pudding. Music Dupe isn't too good about locking his truck."
