-
-
look outside and find the reasons why
-
-
When I say I'm not a morning person, I'm dead serious. If anyone bothers me when I have to wake up early I swear the only thing keeping me from throwing them out the window is this small little fact, I'm not that strong.
But you get the point. I attempted to blink back the heaviness of my eyelids but it was sadly not working. My vision was blurry, shapes and figures giving way to blurs. Maybe I should get glasses...Yeah right, I probably have the seeing capability of a cat proving that I am a night person.
Not that I'm going to explain myself to anyone, so not worth it.
Stifling a yawn I peered out the window to see or at the least try to see where I was and if this train was anywhere close to New York. I've never been anywhere outside the state though so it may not have been the most helpful tactic. The lack of control in my destination was starting to make me uneasy. I finally gave up after only fifteen seconds of staring.
I know what you're thinking; just ask someone if we close right? Being paranoid is the only reason I've lived through school (hell)
At the moment I highly doubted my brain was anywhere near ready to decipher the difference between a mound of dirt and him (AKA psycho who belongs in the fiery pits of hell) running along the tracks like an idiot yet managing to look furious. Same difference anyways, he is dirt.
He won't find me this time though. Why would he want me? I wasn't like my brother, that's all he wants. Someone who obeys his every word and has no morals or back bone at all. Now that I'm gone it will be so much easier for him. But no, he wouldn't let me be as I wished. That's why I was running, perfection was killing me. All my life I've wondered why he kept me...
I remembered crying myself to sleep when I was younger because of the awful noises coming from his office in the basement. I never asked about it though, I was afraid that I'd be in trouble if I did. Like, he'd lock me down there or something worse.
But that was when I was weak and naive, I wasn't the same girl anymore and those traits were something I would never miss.
Only as my eyes finally adjusted to the dim lighting in the train car did my brain actually start to wake up. And that same brain was registering the small space between me, the seat, and the window. Not good. My body was cramped and begging for freedom. Claustrophobia is not exactly one of my most admiring traits.
I kept my eyes focused on the patch on the seat in front of me trying to calm myself. Still my breathing grew shallow and the panic lodged itself deep inside my chest until I thought I would surely choke.
Fleetingly, I sprang up and dashed to the aisle…only to be knocked back down. Talk about kicking someone when their down.
I glanced up irritated from my fallen place on the cheap leather seat and was met with the frightened eyes of a child.
Wait, let me rephrase that. She wasn't exactly a child but with the wide, concerned Bambi eyes she was sending me made her seem much more childlike.
"I am so sorry! I was just…I….I was trying to get up to go get bottled water and I bumped into you. I didn't mean to wake you! I thought that if I wasn't here while you woke up then maybe you'd still let me sit with you. There were no other seats left so I had to sit with you. Not that I didn't want to sit
with you. I just thought that you wouldn't want to sit with me by the way you were glaring in your sleep. I mean…. That's not bad but…"
I doubled over laughing hysterically cutting the girl in the middle of her lovely speech.
Sometimes I just can't help myself. I've always done what I want whenever I want so I haven't the least self restraint. This usually ends up being a bad thing though. I don't know why I found her guilt funny but I did, probably because in my 14 years of life I can count on 2 hands how many times people have apologized sincerely to me.
The fact that a girl that I didn't even know is saying sorry completed with the speech just showed how pathetic I was yet it made me feel good, like my existence mattered.
All this over a simple apology, I need serious help.
Not that I'd ever ask for it, my pride would never allow it.
When I had basically managed to get a grip I gave her a pleasant smile. "Sorry," I said sheepishly. Don't you just hate first impressions?
The girl nodded shyly and I could feel an awkward silence coming on. I racked my brain for topic conversations, then mentally smacking myself for my own stupidity. I don't even know this girl's name.
We must've both had the same epiphany because she began to introduce herself. "Uh, hi I'm Monique but I'd prefer if you call me Nudge," for an odd reason Nudge wouldn't meet my eyes, she really shouldn't be so obvious. I guess the clothes and back pack really gave it away.
An amused shadow of a smile played across my lips. "You're a runaway aren't you? My name's Max." I stated as if it was the most normal thing to do in the world. Talking to fugitives like myself.
Her head shot up in surprise at my nonchalant statement, visibly relaxed, and giving me a goofy smile.
"How'd you know?" she asked nervously. I just shrugged,
"Personal experience I guess, I am one." I wasn't exactly proud of doing this. If I hadn't been so afraid of losing myself and my sanity I never would've left. However desperate times call for desperate measures.
That's when I finally took a good look at Nudge's appearance. She had wild curly hair sticking out from her two long braids and dark skin. The clothes that she was wearing were faded from wear but they looked fairly normal.
Like me she also carried a back pack of some sort only hers was…ahem pink
Okay, okay, normal right? Did I forget to mention the scars and bruises adorning her body?
Guess not.
Inwardly I cringed; a fire raging inside that anyone could even bear to lay a finger on their own child. I wasn't physically abused but it hit a nerve inside me all the same. It had to be abuse. No one's that clumsy and I had a feeling this girl, Nudge seemed like the fragile, polite type.
But I couldn't say it was any better to ignore your child.
"Why'd you leave?" I asked in what I hoped was a casual tone but soon wanted smack myself. That was such a freaking personal question and I'd met this girl, what? One minute ago, two at the most? My only comfort was that this is probably how we runaways bond, share sobs stories and tales of impending woe.
Eh, I think I'm just going to stop thinking now.
At first glance she wasn't the kind to strike you as a runaway which is mainly why I asked, I told myself.
Her clothing was modern and mocha skin was glistening from a recent shower. The façade she wore made her appear ecstatic and carefree but that really didn't mean everything. I considered expressing your emotions a facade in itself because we were only covering up what we were truly feeling.
Not that I knew if I could trust much less see this girl ever again after we got off the train but there was that nagging feeling in the back of my mind.
Not a very reliable source to listen to though.
Self consciously she rubbed her palm up and her arm, gaze focused downward. Without meeting my eyes she answered in a voice barely above a whisper.
"My cousin…" was all Nudge would respond and by the evident vulnerability in her voice I realized it was obviously time to change the subject. I was shocked though and would have to ponder on what she said later.
"So…how's life?" I said lamely. Okay, not my most shining moment but it worked. Nudge giggled seemingly to have forgotten her past. Why dwell in the past when we now have an actual future to look forward to?
Look who's talking
"It's OK...I guess. I'm really nervous though, I've never even been to New York though." She confided. I nodded, I knew how she felt. Except, I couldn't think of anything to be nervous about, all you have to do is just steal one of those huge tourist books and your good to go.
Neither have you
"It's not that hard to blend in, you'll be fine, no one would suspect anything." I assured her. Yeah, especially since big cities are always made up of freaks and misfit.
It's what they thrive on.
But you won't
Nudge fidgeted nervously, looking as if she would implode any moment from lack of conversation. "Um…Max, why did you…uh… leave if you're a runaway?" she finally spat out. Her whole body was tensed and she didn't dare to look at my reaction. What did she think I was going to do to her? Wait, don't answer that.
But you do know
All the air escaped my lungs as I racked my brain for a reasonable answer. If it had been anyone else I would've flipped them off, I couldn't care less what people thought of me. But this was some kid who was looking at me with such innocent big brown eyes that I couldn't help but humor her.
Who said Max doesn't have a soft side?
There was no way I could tell her the whole truth though because that would just lead to more questions. And there was nothing I hated more than questions...ok, maybe there were a few other things I hated more but questions were right up there at the top of my list. I settled for the partial truth.
You can't keep your feelings bottled up forever
Shrugging I replied with one word that said everything and nothing at the same time.
"War,"
I sounded so detached saying that one word that I wasn't sure if I was the one who spoke. But that was confirmed when Nudge cautiously examined me to see if she could find out anything else besides that. Once satisfied she lounged back in the seat, a cheery smile making its way upon her face.
I was just slightly irritated at her reaction; war wasn't something to smile about.
Happiness can't last forever
Anyone who didn't live under a rock, wait I take that back. Even insects knew about the war raging dangerously in the country and only a fool would press for details after being given my answer. Not that I knew the whole half of it. But why would I want to know?
Like they say, curiosity killed the cat.
But satisfaction brought him back
"What are you going to do in New York once we get there? I mean if you're actually going there. But I for one have no clue what I'm going to do! Probably get something to eat. Yum," Nudge babbled enthusiastically.
I couldn't keep the grin off my face. I'd never met anybody so…happy. I would've thought that she'd be all fragile, scared and antisocial. I guess she proved me wrong. She actually reminded me a lot of my ten year old self that it was scary, annoying and bubbly yet somehow just bearable.
There was a part of me that wanted to trust this girl, to stick with her and be friends. Look out for each other. But there was another part of me, a piece of me I've followed all my life was telling me that was a very bad idea that, she would just drag me down. It was a cruel voice, telling me I could barely take care of myself.
Learn to trust again
I scowled, deeply irritated at the freaking voice in my head telling me this stuff. It's not like every day I have a voice in my head pointing out the negative stuff in my life, I do a pretty good job of that myself on a daily basis.
Naturally as a pessimist, it's my job. Actually it wasn't necessarily pointing out the negative but contradicting everything I thought if you wanted to get all technical.
Nudge mistook my scowl as something else because she began to rant again. I could tell she did that when she was nervous.
"Or…you don't have to tell me. Maybe you're like a top secret spy on an important mission and you can't let anybody follow you or know where you're going. …" Oh for the love of...it only took that one ridiculous sentence for me to make up my mind. That's it, screw my Plan A. It seems fate has a different one and is becoming very persistent.
How do I get myself into these situations? I'm no saint, I swear and have a temper and all that jazz but I can't say I'm a particularly bad person. I try my best not to piss people off (can't say it works), stick up for the weak (this is where this pissing people off comes in), and I always give the little pigeons the rest of my lunch. What more can you ask for?
"No I was just thinking, spacing out happens to me a lot," I said sheepishly. "I don't know what I'll do either, taking it one step at a time seems to work for me."
All of the sudden the train jerked to a stop sending Nudge and I flying forward.
"We have officially survived the trip to the Big Apple. Yay," I said dryly, she giggled.
And yet, despite all my semi-saintliness I'm going to end up towing along a twelve year old girl in my quest for...ah hell. I'd just hopped on a train to New York and forget to give myself a purpose? I was definitely losing touch.
Walking off that train with nothing but a backpack and my sanity felt surprisingly good. Glancing back I saw Nudge standing at the entrance looking young and lost.
With a new-found acceptance of freaking destiny or whatever you wanted to call it I called to her. "C'mon Nudge, we'll just barely make it to the concert playing in the park."
Her unruly hair whipped in the wind as she turned around to face me. Practically glowing, Nudge skipped across the grass towards me.
Yeah, you heard me. She skipped, as in Little Red walking in the forest skipping.
I met her joyful expression with a small, sad smile. She really didn't know what she was in for and maybe that was why I was taking pity on her. But that didn't mean we were going to be best friends forever which I was going
