Warnings: Deals with mental illness/depression/suicidal thoughts/alcoholism; spoilers for anything up to s13.

A/N: Here is the next update. Please let me know what you think. I hope you enjoy it!


Chatter of a little voice woke Tony up the following morning. Rubbing his eyes, Tony swung his legs over the side of the sofa in the office, and stretched. The blanket he had used fell to the floor at his feet. On the small coffee table was a half empty bottle of whiskey and an empty glass. He groaned, silently; I drank too much, again.

Tony stood up and folded his blanket, placing his pillow on top. His back was sore from sleeping on the small leather sofa for the last couple of weeks but considering how he couldn't sleep in the bed… he would lay awake staring at Leah worrying about her safety or some nights they that had gone to bed so angry at one another she had forced him into the study for the night…where he would drink himself to sleep—like last night. But last night, it wasn't Leah he was angry at—it was Gibbs. Staring at the closed door at of the office, the federal agent thought about just locking himself inside for the rest of the day….

Gibbs was seated at the kitchen island sipping his coffee when Tony emerged. There was no hiding the look of surprise on his face when he realized that the younger man was not sleeping in the same bed as his wife. But he didn't say anything. It was obvious after yesterday that it was best to leave some things alone. "Morning," he greeted. "Just got off the phone with McGee… we have a flight out of Boston at two."

"Then we should probably eat breakfast and get going. Traffic could be a bitch," Tony said, pouring himself some coffee.

"Leah's offered to drive us," Gibbs informed him.

"Surprised she isn't in here yelling at me," Tony grumbled. "After all, I'm now giving her the responsibility of driving back to D.C with a toddler, alone."

Sighing, quietly, Gibbs continued to sip his coffee. He was aware of the tension between Tony and Leah; she hadn't gone into detail about it on the phone, but it was present. He'd also seen it last night after Tony's outburst; the SFA had barely spoken to his wife, borderline ignoring her. "She understands, Tony."

Tony stirred the sugar in his coffee furiously. "Not lately, Gibbs. She keeps pushing me back to D.C, everything we talk about seems to end up in an argument. This isn't something you just bounce back from; I was shot, I almost died. I would never push her to do something she didn't want to do."

Gibbs did not want to get in the middle of martial problems, but Leah had stood by Tony through so much—it would break his heart if their marriage fell a part because Tony was suffering from PTSD, from an event that had affected all of them, even pushed Tony apparently into a deep depression. "She's pushing you because she loves you, Tony."

He laughed, sarcastically. "I keep hearing that word floating around. She's doing this because she loves you, she stayed behind in Israel because she loved me, Ziva lied to me because she loved me… let me tell you something, boss, I'm not feeling the love."

"Know that it's there, Tony," Gibbs assured him, softly. "Right now, you just might not be able to see it."

"The world has a funny and cruel way of showing me love, Gibbs," Tony asserted, finally looking at the former marine.

"Maybe… but the world also gave you a loving wife and son. You take the good with the bad."

"Good… forgive me but I see very little good in the world at the moment."

Movement caught Gibbs' eye. He glanced over to see that Leah had returned to the kitchen to start cleaning. A look of hurt flashed through her blue eyes. How often had she been told that their life wasn't good this summer? "After Shannon died, I saw very little good, Tony. It gets better," he said, more for Leah than anyone else.

Tony felt his shoulders sag. He had been hoping at the start of the summer to feel more like himself by the end. Traveling to Italy, to the Cape, spending very little time in Washington had done little to help him. Running is hand over his face, he dumped the coffee he had not drank down the sink. "I've been waiting for things to get better for three months now, Gibbs. Nothing's changed."

Leah took the mug from him silently and began to scrub away at it furiously. She didn't want to start another fight, but the reason why nothing had changed was because Tony was still holding onto what happened, was still having nightmares—which he denied—and was questioning his entire existence. This was leading her to believe that Tony's issue wasn't just grief or trauma… it was everything that had happened to him in his life, coupled with the history of mental illness in his family—Leah was convinced her husband was clinically depressed. "Do you want snacks for the flight?" she asked, changing the subject before she burst into tears.

Gibbs waited to see if Tony was going to answer, when he didn't utter a word, he smiled at her. "Snacks would be good. What have you got laying around here?"

"Goldfish, fruit snacks… you know kid stuff," Leah said. "Sorry we don't have anything more sophisticated."

"Those work for me. It isn't a long flight," Gibbs replied.

"Just don't let Jack see you taking those fruit snacks," she warned him with a sad smile, "they're his favorite."

"I'll make sure to replace them and thank him."

"He really loves strawberry."

Tony unconsciously winced. He didn't know that about Jack. Shouldn't he know what kind of fruit snack his son liked? Even when he was present in Jack's life, he still wasn't present.Tony thought being home would mean he wouldn't miss things, but he still was missing stuff—just like his father….

Leah was speaking to him and he only caught the last bit of what she was saying. "You should have some breakfast before we drive to Boston."

His appetite had been sparse the last few months. He ate when he felt like it… which was resulting in a noticeable weight loss. Tony shrugged. "Not hungry… and you don't have to drive us. We can take the rental car and return it."

Her eyes darted towards Gibbs who remained silent. "If we drop the rental off down here, it's one last stop you have to make before going to the airport… and I'm going in that direction anyways. We're going to spend a few days with my parents. My mother wants to take Jack—well us—shopping."

For some reason this rubbed him the wrong way. Tony scowled at his wife. "Why? We're perfectly capable of providing for Jack—we don't need her to buy stuff for him constantly."

"She wants to do something nice," Leah said. "She's always spoiled the grandkids. It makes her happy."

"Fine, do whatever you want," Tony snapped, turning about on his heel. "I'm going to shower."

Gibbs and Leah watched as Tony stormed out of the kitchen. Leah blinked back several tears and went back to cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast. Gibbs stayed quiet, sipping his coffee, because, quite honestly… he didn't know what to say to her.


It felt like the world had fallen apart as she watched Tony and Gibbs drive away. Leah had been seeking advice from books, medical journals, and the internet for months now—to no avail—she still didn't know what to do.

Standing alone in the living room long after the pair of agents had left, the weight of the world came down onto Leah's shoulders. Tony did a good job of hiding his depression from the world outside the walls of their home—but once it was just them, she saw the change, she saw the man she had fallen in love with disappear, replaced with a shell of a human being.

Lincoln came into the room and rubbed against her leg, letting her know that he needed a walk. Jack was still taking his nap, so Leah took the pup to the backyard, where he could run around and play. Clutching the baby monitor in her hand, she sadly watched Lincoln as he chased a butterfly. She wished she had the joy of a dog.

"Hey," a voice said, startling her slightly, "Mom and Dad said you were in town."

"Only until tomorrow," Leah replied, glancing at her sister. "I didn't know you were down here."

"We got in last night," Lauren Andrews replied. She watched her sister for a moment. "Everything alright, Leah?"

Leah swallowed the lump in her throat, turning away from her older sister. "It's been a long summer," she answered, honestly.

Lauren quirked an eyebrow. "Long? You've spent it in Italy and on Nantucket. Sounds like a dream summer."

Not my dream, Leah thought, just as Jack started to wake up. She called for Lincoln and invited her sister inside. As she went to get the baby, her sister offered to make them some coffee. Upstairs in the guest room, Jack stood in his portable crib, smiling at his mother when she entered the room.

Jack was so blissfully unware of the unhappiness in his home. If he was older, Leah was sure he'd be aware that things were not right—for now she was lucky that her son as so young. Picking the baby out of the crib, Leah headed back down the kitchen were Lauren was at the table, petting Lincoln behind the ears.

"This dog is quite the charmer," Lauren said with a smile. "No wonder he likes your husband."

"He wouldn't leave once he wandered into the backyard," Leah answered. "We asked around the neighborhood. No one was missing him and he didn't have a chip. Tony suggested we adopt him. So we did."

"Well, he's an adorable addition to your family."

"I think he's going to be the only addition to our family for a long time."

Lauren stopped giving Lincoln attention and gave her sister a concerned look. "Come on, Leah, what's going?"

Leah shook her head and put Jack in his highchair. "Nothing. Coffee sounds like it's ready. How about you pour that, and I'll make sure the little man here gets his lunch?" She didn't wait for answer and went to get Jack his favorite jar of baby food, all the while trying to hide the desperation she was feeling from her sister.