Losing Everything
Whoo big shout out to my first reviewer! Haha but I know there's more of you out there, even if you don't want to review each update please drop one if I cover your favourite crew member and let me know if I got it right or not. I'd love to hear from you!
James
"Holy hell," I breathe.
"The physical impact of the last feat of the Commander is quite impressive," Javik agrees as he and Joker stand next to me, shoulder to shoulder, at the brink of the crater. I survey the destruction the drawback of the Crucible had on the land and could see three of our squad already deep in the midst of the Commander's mark. The swelling of pain in my chest intensifies as my eyes fell on the Doc's almost rigid form.
"I'm going down there, need a hand Joker?" I ask turning to the downcast pilot.
"No," He hesitates, "I'm going to stay up here, the edge will make it easier to sit." Joker finishes lamely. I furrow my brown but shrug,
"Suit yourself," Javik catches my eye and nods slightly before sliding down into the crater but instead of sitting near our stationary members we walk around a bit further so that Liara, Garrus and Tali are on our right. I spare a look up at Joker, who with some difficulty has seated himself. I didn't know why he didn't come right in with us; maybe I'll ask him but not now because this time is for you...Lola.
We did it; we beat the Reapers and saved Earth. Well you did, we came along trying to help any way we could but I could remember the first time we left this place. I was so angry at having to leave the fight, but hell if I was angry you were downright pissed and I made the stupid mistake of questioning you.
You always had the big picture in mind and you always made me feel small in comparison, why couldn't I see things like you? Why couldn't make the hard calls and why the hell am I still alive and you're not?! Damn it Lola you did everything right, jumped through every loop and even beat my pull up score! So why the hell are you, the Great Commander Shepard, gone?!
Was this how you planned to go down? Did you even think about who you were leaving behind? The Normandy, the crew, Doc and me. Shepard why couldn't you have let us fight this one for you? I curled my fists and watch the veins throbs as my arms shake.
"Use that anger, we can rebuild after all this, but don't go losing the fight without throwing your first punch." I puff out the anger in one breath, that's why we couldn't fight in your place, why we could never protect you like you did for us because you simply gave everything.
Lola you gave too much.
When I was out fighting for intel on the Collectors you were flying through the Omega 4 Relay to kick their door down and settle the score for them stealing our colonies...and for killing you. Throughout this war it was you fighting and struggling through every mission, while I was lucky enough to accompany you on a few, those were the times I felt the most useful. Like...like I could physically be there to haul your ass out if things got too hot. But Lola for all the teasing the crew gave you about your dance moves in clubs not one of them will disagree that you love dancing in the fire of battle. And no one can ever say you didn't know how to dance then, I know I joked about being distracted by your body on missions but I wasn't just ogling you (not always) but the way you ducked and dived. Shooting guns, throwing grenades and wielding biotics like nobody's business, you reminded me of home. Not that Spain was a battle field but the hot fire of the sun, the loud laughter of the crowd as dancers paraded in their bright clothes and the closeness of family.
A chuckle escapes me, the closeness of family, hell if families were allowed to throw each other around to teach them a lesson then sure. But you were always there for me Lola whether it was you coming down to the Cargo Hold to upgrade weapons, ask my opinion on missions or for when I wanted to chat privately.
Hell maybe it's my fault you died Lola, I mean you're my second CO to go...I reached up and grasp my dog tags, the metal is cool against my palm. You reluctantly agreed to be my N7 Training Officer but I guess the prospect of teaching me was that bad huh? You had to go die before leaving me any decent advice; no... all this has shown me something. This mission was the complete opposite of mine, where I had been in command and my squad paid for my calls but here? This big hole is the reminder that your calls were always made in the best interests of your squad, even if it seemed like there was no other way, you'd make one. Hell you fell through a fish tank trying to make one!
Lola I never told you how much I admired you, I think I may have alluded to it but I've never out right said you're the most awesome person I had the honour of knowing. When I watched the vids of the Council making you the first Human Spectre, it was the day I looked up to you and that day was the day I promised to get my act together so I could maybe have the chance to meet you. Sitting here amongst your original crew from your Saren days and speaking to those who joined you in the Collector hunt; I will always be jealous of them because they got to work for you so much more. And by the sounds of some of the fights they had to drag you out of a few pinches although it's mostly Garrus and Wrex who say that and I know how much they love to play the hero. Buut I guess they are just trying to be as cool as you.
Movement to the right catches my eye and I watch Garrus rise but only so he can sit closer to Tali, their hands entwining. Truth is Lola, being a soldier is the only thing I've ever been good at and now you've put me out of a job so now what am I supposed to do? I know you said to rebuild but sitting here amidst the destruction, it's hard to imagine this place flourishing again, and it's hard to imagine me flourishing again. I mean I've lost my second CO, my N7 Training Officer and I've lost my Lola, the only role model worth looking up to.
Commander, this is where I lost everything.
