The Cycle: Chapter 2.
Eight Weeks Pregnant:
Olivia squeezed the small stick in her hands tightly and tried to hold herself together. She looked at the now bent pregnancy test, and glared down at the pink positive sign that seemed to be mocking her.
Olivia couldn't say she was completely shocked. She'd been getting sick frequently, was nauseous, tired all the time, her breasts were sore, and she'd also missed her period. She was a sex crimes detective, she knew the symptoms of pregnancy better than anyone.
Olivia felt like she was going to throw up.
She couldn't figure out what she had done to deserve this. She'd dedicated her life to helping people get justice, and she got this in return. She'd made one huge mistake by sleeping with Nick and she was certainly going to pay for it.
Olivia threw the pregnancy test to her bathroom floor and sat down on the edge of the sink, putting her face in her hands. Letting Nick, a married man, into her bed, had not been her only screw up. They had both forgotten about protection.
Olivia knew better, she knew to always use protection, and until now she always had. Nick had been the only man to ever enter her without a condom on.
What is wrong with you, Olivia thought to herself. How could you be so damn stupid?
All she wanted was a glass of wine, of course she couldn't drink, because she was pregnant.
Olivia had always wanted to be a mother, had always wanted a family she could call her own, but when she had imagined this day, she never thought it would be like this. Maybe she had been naive in wanting a husband, a home, before she had a baby. She certainly hadn't gotten her dream, she was pregnant with her married partners baby, a married partner who was already over burdened with two kids of his own.
Even though this wasn't the most ideal situation, Olivia already knew that abortion was out of the question. Olivia had always believed that a woman's body was her choice, and Olivia had made hers. She was going to keep this baby, she couldn't kill the child that she had wished and prayed for, and she would never allow her baby to enter the system. She had personally seen what happened to some of the kids that went into the Foster system.
That was it. She was going to go through with the pregnancy, and she was going to keep the baby. She was going to raise this child.
Olivia leaned her head back against the wall and tightly squeezed her eyes closed, hoping this was just a dream and she would wake up any minute now.
Olivia threw her phone onto her desk, an annoyed scowl on her face.
No New Calls.
She had left messages with a highly recommended doctor, and had been anxiously waiting for the call to confirm her appointment. Since she was going to have this baby, she wanted it to come into the world healthy.
She was supposed to get a call back within ten minutes, but an hour had passed. Olivia ran her fingers through her wavy brown hair, trying to keep her emotions in check.
The squad room doors opened, and Olivia jerked her head to the side watching as Nick strode into the room. He was carrying two coffees in his hands. Olivia surprised herself when she managed to give him a tiny smile as he placed a cup on her desk.
Olivia picked up the coffee cup and took a sip, groaning as the hot liquid ran down her throat. She glanced in Nick's general direction, focusing her eyes behind his head.
"Thanks for the coffee," Olivia spoke, nodding her head in appreciation and then turning away quickly.
"You're welcome, Liv," Nick responded. Olivia could feel his eyes watching her.
"How long have you been here?" Nick asked, shrugging out of his coat.
"Not long," Olivia responded. "About an hour."
Her phone rang and Olivia looked down at the device, groaning as she saw the number pop up on the screen. It was the doctors office. She didn't want to answer it in front of Nick, but she wanted this appointment desperately.
"Benson," Olivia answered in her usual fashion, trying to mask the nervousness in her voice.
"Hello, this is Dr. Prince's assistant calling. May I speak to Olivia Benson?"
Olivia groaned at the woman's voice, it was entirely too perky and happy for this early in the morning. She was picturing the assistant to be a young blonde, sitting behind a large desk, and wearing scrubs that had cute little pictures of puppy dogs printed all over them.
"This is she," Olivia spoke. She heard Nick tapping his pen on his desk across from her.
"You called about setting up an appointment?"
"Yes, It would be my first one," Olivia explained, trying to keep her words as vague as possible.
"Congratulations then," the woman exclaimed.
Olivia fought the urge to roll her eyes, she wanted to take that damn congratulations and stomp all over it.
"Thanks," she mumbled, leaning even further back in her chair. Her eyes closed and she tipped her head back as she listened to the woman.
"Would you like an earlier appointment, or something in the afternoon?" the assistant asked.
"Morning would be best," Olivia spoke loudly, trying to keep herself awake.
"We have an opening tomorrow at 9 AM. Would that work for you?"
"That's great," Olivia sighed.
"I just need some information so I can put you in our filing system. Can I have your first and last name, your age, birth date, and I need to know if you have insurance. You can fill out the rest when you come in tomorrow," the woman said, her voice getting even higher in pitch.
"Olivia Benson, I'm 44, I was born on December 13th, 1967, and I do currently have a long term insurance policy in place," Olivia spoke quickly, trying not to look over at Nick as she gave her answers.
"Okay, that's really all I needed to set up your appointment."
"Thank you," Olivia sighed, disconnecting the call.
"Do we have something?" Nick asked from across from her, his eyes looking her up and down. Olivia shook her head.
"No, that was personal," she murmured, rubbing a hand across her stomach as she spoke.
Olivia let out a small sigh as she filled out the paperwork on her desk.
Her hand was starting to cramp from all the forms she had completed today, but she was really trying to make sure all the paperwork she'd been putting off was finished before she even thought about maternity leave.
Olivia rolled her shoulders, and stretched out her aching fingers.
"Liv, I want to nominate you for an award," Fin spoke loudly from where he was sitting.
Olivia looked up and gave him a confused look, trying to make sense of what he was saying.
"I don't think I've ever seen somebody go at paperwork harder than you," Fin continued, a grin spreading over his face.
Olivia rolled her eyes playfully, giving him a smile to let him know that she had appreciated his attempt at humor.
With everything going on in her life right now, Olivia could really use a few more of Fin's little jokes. She hardly found reasons to smile anymore. Olivia didn't know how she felt about that, when she had imagined her pregnancy, she had always envisioned herself joyful, smiling, laughing.
Olivia picked up her pen again and moved on to the next page of paperwork, ready to dive back in headfirst.
The door to the squad room opened with a loud bang that caused Olivia to jump.
Amanda walked in the squad room with an empty container in her hand, an amused expression on her face.
"Okay, where are my doughnuts?" Amanda questioned. "I put them in the fridge, who took em?"
Olivia's eyes widened at the mention of doughnuts.
"I may have taken a few," Fin confessed, his eyes glued to the floor. Amanda punched him lightly on the shoulder.
"There were only two there, Fin," Amanda said, faking her annoyance. "You owe me breakfast now."
Olivia had stopped listening to their conversation, her brain now stuck on the idea of doughnuts. All she could think about were those perfect little circles of fried dough, the sweet glaze of icing that would be spread deliciously on top.
Nick's phone rang on his desk, but she hardly noticed. She was trying to think of ways to get herself to the nearest bakery in under five minutes. She felt like she couldn't wait any longer than that.
She heard Nick call her name, and she looked up at him, swallowing nervously.
She had been ignoring Nick's presence since she arrived. In the short life of their partnership, she had formed a connection with Nick. She had quickly become adept at reading his body language, she could tell what he was thinking just by looking into those dark eyes of his, and she wouldn't be surprised if he could do the same with her.
She was putting so much effort in keeping her cool around him, but it was an impossibly hard task.
"Yeah?" she responded, trying to keep her voice calm.
"We've got something. A woman stumbled in the E.R an hour ago, and she's intoxicated. It's probably a false alarm, but we should still head over," Nick spoke, shrugging his coat up over his muscular shoulders.
"Okay," Olivia nodded, standing up and grabbing her jacket off the back of her chair.
She didn't wait for Nick to get his keys. She shot out into the precinct hallway, and practically jogged towards the elevators.
Olivia's eyes lit up as she looked in the display case, her mouth watering at the delicious variety of pastries presented.
She had her eye on a particularly well glazed set of doughnuts. They were covered in a layer of thick dark chocolate and had a few colorful sprinkles on top.
Olivia looked at the elderly man behind the counter, and pointed to her choice. "I'd like four of those, please."
"Good choice," he nodded and moved behind the glass, getting her doughnuts and wrapping them up for her. Olivia tapped her foot in anticipation as the man put her order into the register.
He named his price and Olivia handed over her credit card, trying to be patient as he swiped it. He handed the card back, and then gave her a small pretty blue box.
"Enjoy," he smiled.
"Thank you," Olivia called over her shoulder as she headed for the bakery's exit.
She'd told Nick that she had an emergency stop to make, and had left him in the car while she ran in. She'd only been in the store for about ten minutes, but she was sure Nick was wondering where she was.
Olivia quickly walked down the bakery steps and into the parking lot. Nick was outside of the car, leaning against the drivers side door.
"Sorry," Olivia said as she opened the passenger door, and climbed in. Nick got back in and started the engine, backing out of the parking space.
Olivia opened the flaps on the box, and peeled them apart. Reaching in, she grabbed a doughnut and lifted it out.
"That was your emergency?" Nick asked from beside her.
Olivia didn't answer, choosing to take her first bite instead. Olivia let out a soft moan as she chewed, loving the way the sweetness of the chocolate covered pastry overwhelmed her taste buds.
"I thought you didn't care for doughnuts?" Nick questioned, his eyes leaving the road for a moment.
"I don't," she responded, taking another large bite.
She looked over at him and had to force back her smile as he gave her a confused look.
"These are simply amazing," Olivia explained.
Finishing her doughnut, she reached in the box for another one, and offered it to Nick.
"Try it."
Nick's hands were occupied on the steering wheel, so instead of taking it from her, he leaned down and opened his mouth. Olivia tried not to think about the situation too much as she fed him a bite.
Nick put his eyes back on the road, and nodded his head, still chewing.
"You're right. They are amazing."
Olivia nodded and looked out the window, trying to take her mind off the man beside her.
Her eyes watched the ceiling fan spin.
Olivia loved the simplicity of the action, the wooden boards swung in the same pattern over and over, never changing. Her life was the exact opposite.
She shifted her body so she was lying flat on her back, pulling her pillow under her head.
Her hands came up and rested on her stomach, trying to feel for differences. Bra size excluded, her body was still the same as it had been a month ago. She was grateful that her stomach was still the same size, it meant she had more time to figure everything out. She wasn't stupid, she knew that eventually her body would begin to change. Her stomach would start to grow, and then there would be no hiding the fact that she was pregnant from anyone. Nick especially.
Nick was a smart man, he would put the pieces together. They'd had unprotected sex, and now she was pregnant. Olivia would be worried if he didn't jump to conclusions.
She had thought about transferring out, going back to Computer Crimes where they would welcome her with open arms. Running away would certainly be easier than answering all those questions from the squad. But this job had been her life for fourteen years. She didn't know how to do anything else anymore, this was what she was good at. She liked getting up every morning, knowing that she could help somebody pull through.
You'll be miserable anywhere else, Olivia thought.
If she was going to stay, she would have to find a way to work with Nick. He was a good partner, and she respected him too much to request a sudden partner switch. That is if he didn't request one first, she hadn't exactly been treating Nick in the best way. She couldn't even force herself to look at the man anymore.
She knew that her lack of communication bothered Nick, he was confused and hurt. She wanted to tell him that he'd done nothing wrong, that it was all on her, but she couldn't.
Closing her eyes, Olivia felt the wet little drops falling from her closed lashes, and onto her cheeks.
