Neko: Oh wow, It's been a while since I actually did anything on this story! To all readers, I am so sorry I put this on Hiatus! Idea's keep popping up in my head, and I've also been sick recently. Not that that's much of an excuse. I do plan on updating more often, but if I actually pull off the plan is another thing.
Allen: Neko… Won't you please reconsider? I really don't like this story. It's kinda depressing and… Kanda is threatening to kill me…
Neko: For the last time, NO! Now… Allen, you know what's going to happen later on in the story so man up! I'm giving the disclaimer so stop whining and give the Warning!
Allen: But… Oh whatever, it's to hard to argue with you. Warning: Suicidal thoughts, Mentions of rape, suicide attempts, Yaoi, lemon, Mpreg, cursing also depression and self harm...
Neko: Thank you! Airashi Neko does not own DGM/ -Man nor the song Mz Hyde… Just my rampage ideas!
That scary moment
When you think you are alone
and you start singing the theme song of an anime in japanese
When suddenly at the end you hear clapping
and find your friend and sister behind you…
~Chapter 2~
Arriving at the train station, I start to run ahead of Kanda, trying to catch the train before it left. The last time we were running late, I ended up having to run and jump on the back of the back of the train with the finder I was traveling with.
I don't wait for Kanda as I give my ticket to the Conductor and hopping onto the train. I push my way through the small crowd and head toward the back where exorcist reside when on missions. It wasn't to hard to remember where it was since all I had to do was go to the back of the train. It was nothing like the labyrinth called the Black Order.
Heaving a sigh, I plop down on one of the chairs in compartment A5, a first class compartment with two beds and a bathroom. Finders got compartment A4, since it was a single bedded room and left them somewhere quiet to work on paperwork.
"Moyashi…" Slipping in the room while giving off a murderous aura, Kanda call out my nickname. Growling at the stupid samurai, I look anywhere but in his direction.
"It's Allen, Bakanda. A-l-l-e-n, not to hard." I reply with a stiff attitude. Kanda was a total pain on the ride over to the train, not giving me a break about my 'attitude' to him"
Growling, I hear Kanda stop over to me before I feel my shirt yanked upwards. I hover in the air as Kanda hold me in a hard grip, looking like he was ready to punch me. The alarms in my head go off as I remember I recently made cuts on my stomach that would surely show if Kanda lifted up my shirt any farther.
"K-Kanda? Let me go!" I start punching at the male, trying to fight for my freedom. When one of my punches connects with his jaw, Kanda let's go growling.
I take advantage of the opportunity and escape, running to the bathroom and locking the door. Kanda starts to bang on the door and I yell at him to go away. I listen closely for the shuffle of his feet to leave the front of the bathroom before getting up from the corner I had thrown myself into while in my panic to escape.
The bathroom was about the same as always. A small toilet, tub and sink were set near each other,a towel rack over the toilet with white towels already prepared. Next to the toilet was a roll of toilet paper. The bathroom wasn't much, but it was the place I liked to spend my time in when on a mission with Kanda. There wasn't anywhere else for me to go until we actually arrive to the site of the mission and started our search for either an Accommodator or Innocence.
Reaching into my jacket pocket, I take the small pocket knife from its confines and flip it open. I pull up the left leg on my pants to reveal a scarred ankle. Putting the blade to my flesh, I sigh in content as the numbness takes over the pain of my skin breaking under the sharp object.
One…
Two…
Three…
I mark my ankle before driving the knife up even further. There I mark my leg, watching in a haze as the blood drips slowly down, spilling across the tile floor. I duly note having to clean up my mess as my mind fogs over in the fake high I've created.
Fifteen…
Sixteen…
Seventeen…
Stopping at seventeen, I throw my head back against the wall behind the toilet I was currently sitting on. I couldn't register anything at the moment besides the sick numbness spreading rapidly.
'Sick little Allen.' My joy halts as the high becomes a strong buzz, letting my thoughts seep into my brain. 'Sick little Allen, look how far you've come…'
I know what I do is wrong, but I never wanted to stop. If I did, the world would take me under and kill me faster that what it's already accomplishing. Even if somebody were to find out, I wouldn't stop. It would probably drive me to do it even more.
Letting my mind seep back into consciousness, I slowly stand up, wincing at the pain as it returns with full force. I turn to the sink, turning the handle to get warm water running. Grabbing a cloth and holding it under the running water, I soak the cloth before shoving it on my left leg, cleaning of the now burning cuts.
'What would Kanda do if he saw me?' I pause at that though, letting the bloody red cloth drip it's contents to the floor.
Why was I thinking about the oversize morons thoughts? He didn't care about anybody, and hatted me. The only people that could claim to know Kanda and be close to him was Lavi, Lenalee and Kanda's foster brother Marie. Not me, the guy he called curse.
I force myself to stop thinking about it, and focus on the objective in mind. Clean up the mess I've made with my blood. I remove the cloth from my wet leg, holding it under the sink to rinse it out and get the blood off, before once again holding it to my legs. I had to stop the bleeding before I passed out and so I could clean the blood already on the floor.
As soon as my legs are clean, I look through the drawers for the gauze that was always there. I had found out through a finder that the railroad owners requested there be gauze in every compartment Exorcist used. It was for bandaging for old and/or new wounds that needed to be wrapped and cared for.
I find it pretty easily in the second drawer, and next to the gauze is antibiotics. Thankful, I grab both and apply them to my wounds, making sure that the bandaging wasn't to thick or noticeable. The last time it was, Lavi had asked me and I used the akuma attack we had just gotten through as an excuse.
It take about five minutes to wrap myself and clean up the blood on the floor before I'm rinsing out the last bit of blood from the rag. Tossing the rag into a corner of the bathroom, I unlock the bathroom door and peck my head out.
'Kanda isn't here' Sighing in relief, I slip the rest of my body out into the room, shivering slightly at the obvious change in temperature.
I walk over to where I left my suitcase and open it up, fishing out my Ipod. Unlocking the screen, I go to my Pandora, and turn on my shuffle. Automatically, a grin spreads across my face as one of my favorite songs play. Nodding my head to the beat, I begin to hum lightly, raising my voice to indicate the pitch change as it reaches the chorus.
"Welcome to the nightmare in my head (oh god!), say hello to something scary! The monster in your bed (oh god!), just give in and you won't be sorry! Welcome to my other side, hello its Mz Hyde!"
My grin slightly falters as I compare the lyrics to my own life. My nightmares were always there, replaying and horrifying all the same. I put up a mask and ignore it, but if you wiped up all that clown makeup, you'd see a monster. The opposite of who I pretend to be.
It's near the end of the song that I look at the time, shocked that I had been in the bathroom for over two hours. No wonder Kanda had left. It hadn't been long till lunch when we finally arrived to the train, having taken a while to get there. He was probably hungry.
Closing my eyes, I left myself slip into darkness, tired from my sleepless night. I don't dream about anything, but a small tune replaying in my mind.
When I reawaken, Kanda is reading a book in Japanese that I can't understand. My music is still playing and I focus on one thing. Kanda doesn't have on a shirt, leaving his torso bare and for the view of anybody around. Blushing, I look away, stuffing down a small squeak of embarrassment as he glances over, almost catching me staring.
"What do you want, Moyashi?" I hear Kanda ask in a gruff voice. Growling, I correct him before refusing to answer his question. I turn to the window to stare as the greenery changes slowly to a browning plain.
Kanda either didn't care that I ignored his answer, or figured I didn't have one, because a few minutes later, I glance back to see him reading the book again. I glance at the clock and nearly choke at the time.
[5:23pm]
I had been asleep for five whole hours, and hadn't eaten since last night at dinner. I slip off the bed and head to the door, looking at the samurai before leaving to go and eat. I only see Kanda again after I've finished ordering my food and I have brought it back to my table.
He walks up to me with a bowl of soba, a sneer placed on his face. Gulping back my food, I go to ask what his problem is, when he beats me to the punch. "Do you have to eat so much like a pig, Moyashi? Save some food for the rest of the people on this damn train."
He then swipes some empty plates out of the way, putting in bowl in their place. I frown and look at the piles of food, then around me. A lot of people had starred to stare at us when I had brought my food over. Now, they shared similar looks of disgust as Kanda. Shrinking in my seat, I begin to pick at my food, not as hungry as before. About halfway through my third plate, I pick up my food and throw it away, leaving to the room.
I felt sick to my stomach. I was sure I was going to throw up. I run to the back of the train, flinging open the door and rushing to the bathroom. There, I lock the door and throw myself in front of the toilet. The looks each person gave me makes me begin to hurl. Tears were rolling down my eyes and I felt humiliated.
I mean, Lavi and Lenalee had mentioned it when I arrived. After that, they had only showed their amazement at how much food I could eat before getting used to it. Everybody at the order knew I had parasitic Innocence, so I had to eat a lot.
This was the first time I actually paid attention to the others around me. Usually, I ignored Kanda's snide remarks. They hurt, yes, but that was just Kanda in general. Now looking at other people who thought I was just disgusting and a food hog, it makes me sick all over again.
Once my stomach is fully empty, I flush the toilet, staying bend over it for a while after. 'Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. Fat, food whore, disgusting, cursed, broken, used. Useless'
Tears fall into the porcelain bowl as I hold onto my sobs, fingers clutching my pants. Why hadn't nobody mentioned it before? It was plainly obvious now. I was stupid to believe my friends thought it was normal for me to eat so much. It hurt to think about it.
'Don't eat so much. Hell, don't eat at all. If you do, you'll get those same looks again.' I try to convince myself otherwise, but these thoughts overpower anything else I try to cram into my head. It makes me cry harder, knowing that it was most likely true.
People really hated me, Kanda being at the top of the list. I am cured, with white hair and a scar to prove that. I ate a lot, and it disgusted others. I was abandoned by my parents, lost my adopted father and had been rapped for five years. It was enough to drive anybody crazy. Or, at least heading there.
Standing up, I dry up my tears and leave the bathroom just as Kanda enters the room. He doesn't even notice me as I pass him, laying down once again in my bed. My head was spinning from all the throwing up, and I was feeling tired again.
Closing my eyes, I let myself slip once again into my dream, horrified as I enter a dream I was all too familiar with anymore.
~Dream~
I was standing near a lake, everything around me in ruins. Buildings were torn and bodies littered the ground. I recognize many from the Science division and then, there were those that stood out to me like lights in the middle of a dark room.
"Lenalee… Lavi…" I a voice crack out. I look around, trying to find the owner of the voice, and see nobody. It was my own voice that broke through the silence.
Suddenly, I feel an hand on my shoulder, forcing me to turn around. I let out a scream as I see Cross standing there, blood covering his clothes from head to toe. Behind him, is Kanda, glaring at me with a gunshot wound in his shoulder.
Cross grins at me as I pull away from him. "This isn't real, it just feels so."
He laughs and lets me run to Kanda, who now looks really tired. I try to stop the bleeding, but his blood seeps through my fingers. Kanda, with what little strength he has left, shoves me away. I fall on my but as he takes one last shuddering breath and falls to the ground, dead.
"You know why they are dead, right Allen?" I hear Cross qizz. Footsteps resonate behind me, getting louder until they are right behind me.
"N-no." I say, crying now as I twist to look at him. Instead of seeing a face, I see a hand before being struck across the face. I fly to the side, crying out in pain. Cross had just smacked me, and it hurt.
"W-why?" I ask, not looking at him, but at the floor I laid on. He laughs, like I should know the answer, before walking slowly up to me and kicking me in the gut. I let out a scream as pain shoots through my body.
"Why? WHY? Because you, you little piece of shit, told." I shake my head, not knowing what he was talking about. He hits me again, growling in anger. "Yes you did! You told everybody here what I did to you! They fired me! I lost my job and reputation because of you!"
He beats me over and over again, making my call out in agony. He breaks several bones, causing me to go limp from not being able to move. After hours of the treatment, it stops. I look up to see why he stopped, to see the barrel of a gun. My eyes widen i shock before I hear the sound of a gun, and then everything turns off.
~Dream End~
Opening my eyes, I bolt upwards. I half expect pain, but come to quickly realize that it was just a dream. Kanda is still sleeping soundly in the next bed, and we are on the train to our next mission together. Cross wasn't here, and everybody was alive at the Order.
Rubbing my eyes to clean off the tears on my cheeks, I slide off the bed and head over to my suitcase. I search through and grab a change of clothing, my Ipod and my knife. Standing up, I head to the bathroom and turn on the lights.
Closing the door so Kanda doesn't wake up, I lock it and strip my clothing before turning to the tub and turning on the shower. While the water gets steamy and hot, I take of my bandaging from last night and wrap it up in toilet paper. I then turn to the sower and climb in, washing myself off and holding onto the razor.
I abuse my legs, arms, chest and shoulders over and over again until I have dropped the razor and sunk to the floor. I let the water keep the high fresh as it mercilessly pounds onto every open cut on my body. I know that I am grinning like a fool, but I couldn't care, to happy to forget everything over the high it had going.
Neko: Done!
Allen: Wow! Five page!
Neko: I had to make up for all that time waiting somehow, didn't I? I am sure people didn't appreciate that much…
Allen: No, I don't think so, though this story only has two reviews… Anyways… Are you sure you want to make me depressed? Aren't there enough stories like that?
Neko: Nope. Sorry Allen! (Not really) Anyways! Speaking of reviews… Please Follow, Favorite and Review! Seriously need the encouragement! Also, If I get 10 reviews, I'll begin the Mpreg! Just saying!
Allen: NOOOO!
Neko: Ignore him! Until next time! Please check out the Polls I've set up for this and my other stories! Bye-bee!
Allen: NOOOOOOooooooooooo
