When Emily heard Paige's key in the lock, she tried to pull herself together. She quickly put the box of tissues back on the desk and tossed her pile of used tissues into the trash. Emily didn't want Paige to know that something was wrong, but even if Paige hadn't been able to pick up on her puffy eyes and red cheeks, the way that Emily was trying desperately to act normal would have made her suspicious.
It was Sunday night, Emily and Maya's Skype night, and Paige had gone to the study. Their room wasn't that big, and Paige wanted to give Emily space – physical and emotional – so that she could speak freely with her girlfriend. Paige thought that she had given them plenty of time to talk, so she was surprised at the way that Emily was scurrying around when she got in. She couldn't help wonder, Did I interrupt some kind of Skype-sex?
"Sorry," Paige offered, "Should I give you a few minutes?"
"No," Emily replied, inhaling what was in her nose rather than letting Paige see her grab a tissue. "You're fine. We finished up a while ago."
Paige noticed her puffy eyes and gave her a sad smile. "You really miss her, don't you?"
Emily let out a long sigh. "Honestly, Paige, I wish that I missed her more." Paige looked confused. "I mean, she's my girlfriend, right? And I should miss her, shouldn't I?"
"Don't you?"
"I don't even know. The past few months, it seems that we just fight all the time. And whenever we Skype, we end up sniping at each other – or just cutting the session short so that we don't argue. And, after tonight's session, I was just thinking: I don't really miss her. I mean, I don't really even think about her during the week. Shouldn't I miss her?"
"Well, we've been so busy…"
"But that's just it! So much is going on in my life, shouldn't I be excited to tell my girlfriend? I mean, things happen, and I can't wait to tell you about them…" Paige furrowed her eyebrows, slightly taken aback. Emily quickly added "or Hanna – or Aria, or Spence. Why not Maya? And when I do think about her, it's just like, 'Well, what are we going to fight about next time?'"
Paige sat down on the bed and let Emily rest her head on her shoulder. "Hey, Em. Don't make too much out of it. Every relationship has its ups and downs. We're under a lot of pressure here, so, of course it's going to put stress on our relationships. Stress is just like a magnifying glass for any of the other problems that are going on in our lives. Just give it some time for things to settle down here. I'll bet you find that things settle back into that comfort zone with Maya, too." Paige had no idea what the hell she was saying. She just didn't want to see Emily sad like that.
"So, how come I'm not lashing out at my other friends, or at you?"
"Because you're not dating us, silly!" Emily looked up at her, confused. "You feel safe with Maya. You don't have to hide your emotions from her. Let me guess: When you first came out, you and your mom got into all kinds of hissy fights." Emily nodded into Paige's shoulder. "But you and your dad – maybe you guys fought, but it never reached the level that it did with your mom, right?"
"Well, yeah, because my dad understood me more than my mom."
"Okay, that's part of it, but, in general, mom-daughter fights are a lot more intense than dad-daughter fights, because the daughters feel more secure in their mothers' love. Deep down inside, they know that, whatever happens, their moms will stick by them. So they don't feel that they have to pull punches with their moms. And, just as deep, there's the fear inside them that their dads won't stay - fear that makes them less willing to risk lashing out at dads."
"Okay, McCullers," Emily said, separating her body from her roommate's, "That's enough Psych 101 for tonight. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing."
"Okay, I'll admit it: I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. But, I do know that you love Maya. It might not seem as if it's working in the heat of the moment, but don't give up on the two of you. You don't want to make big decisions when you're under stress. Just, promise me that you'll stick it out until things settle down a bit with swimming and classes."
Emily nodded her head and, standing, pulled Paige to her feet and into a hug. She appreciated Paige's advice, but, really, the last six months could hardly be considered the heat of the moment.
For Paige's part, her relationship with Sean was suffering from benign neglect. Paige convinced herself that she was doing what she had always done: Focusing on her sport and her academics first, and on her relationship as time permitted. Sean knew that about her from the outset. She gave him just enough attention to keep the flames alive. If she were honest with herself, she would see that she was only doing that out of pride, not wanting Sean's prediction about her going away and leaving him to come true. Part of her longed for what Emily had – someone whom she could fight with; someone whom she cared enough about for it to spark some kind of emotion.
She never let herself think that way for too long. There were always more important things to occupy her time.
Paige heard her name in the middle of the night. It sounded as though Emily had been crying. Paige sat up in bed. "What time is it?"
"It's just after two."
"Are you just getting in?" Paige motioned for Emily to come over. When she sat down on the bed, Paige pulled her down so that she was lying next to her. Emily instinctively snuggled into her, her head on her shoulder, one arm tucked between the two of them, and the other resting, palm down, on the oversized shirt that Paige was sleeping in. She told Paige that she had gone for a walk and had, apparently, lost track of time. She and Maya had had a very tense conversation, and Emily didn't know why things should be so hard. She really wanted to take Paige's advice and hold on, but shouldn't there be more to a relationship than just holding on and making do?
Paige gulped at the question. It hit a bit close to home. She often found herself thinking those same thoughts about her relationship with Sean. Emily misread the gulp as discomfort on Paige's part at the way that they were lying together in Paige's bed. Only then did she realize that she had absent-mindedly bunched up a swatch of Paige's shirt as she clenched her fingers around it. She recoiled in a panic. "Holy shit, Paige! I'm sorry! I didn't mean…"
Paige used her strong left arm to pull Emily back in to the snuggle. "Don't be an idiot," she said in a straightforward tone. "I'm here for you."
Emily allowed herself to relax once again in Paige's arms. She felt herself starting to cry. Not over Maya, over everything. As a college student, she was supposed to be having the best years of her life, but everything was hard. Her relationship was hard. Swimming was hard. Classwork was hard. Being away from her family was hard. Living with a roommate was… Well, she was expecting that to be hard, but it was turning out to be pretty easy. She looked up at Paige. Paige wasn't trying to fix her. She wasn't telling her that everything was going to be okay. She wasn't telling her anything at all. She was just holding her in her protective arms and letting her feel what she felt. Her straight roommate who had it all together was just holding her and letting her be. She couldn't remember the last time that she felt free just to be who she needed to be, without worrying about what someone else thought. Peace started to come over her, and she drifted off to sleep.
In Paige's first dream, she was the captain of an old-timey, wooden galleon, leading her men as they fought off an onslaught of pirates. With the threat repulsed and her crew safe, she stood with one leg up on the bow of the ship, staring off into the boundless horizon with a huge smile on her face, her girl tucked under her arm.
In the next dream, she was the outsider in the old west who rode in on a white horse and cleared all the outlaws from the town. With order restored and the citizens safe, she rode off into the sunset, her girl tucked under her arm. Somehow, the two of them side by side on horseback was possible, in the dreamspace.
In her third dream, she was a spy, recovering the briefcase with the codes to dismantle the enemy's infrastructure and make the world safe for democracy. With the briefcase secured by a pair of handcuffs to her wrist, she dashed off in the back of a cab headed to the airfield with a satisfied smirk on her face, her girl tucked under her arm.
In her final dream, she was the moon, spinning and spinning, ever faster, until she broke free from her orbit, careened beyond Earth and Mars, and, ultimately, beyond Neptune and Pluto as she headed deeper and deeper into the far reaches space, with a smile across her cratered face and her girl moon tucked under her arm.
Paige woke up to the tickling sensation of Emily's hair under her nostrils. She inhaled deeply, reveling in the scent of mango shampoo with that ever-present hint of chlorine. Paige squinted so that she could read the time off Emily's clock on the other side of the room. It was almost 9:30. She had fallen asleep with Emily in her arms, and they had spent the rest of the night that way. She lightly brushed Emily's hair from underneath her nose, moving it off of Emily's face in the same motion. As she did, she allowed herself to deposit one kiss onto Emily's temple. Emily sighed contentedly in her sleep and tightened her grip around Paige's middle. She must be having pleasant dreams, Paige thought, feeling a little guilty for taking advantage of the situation. She could feel her arm starting to fall asleep under Emily's neck, but she didn't want to disengage it and risk waking Emily. She didn't want Emily to freak out and feel bad about having spent the night in Paige's bed. Mostly, she didn't want Emily to leave the bed.
It was Sunday, and they didn't have to be anywhere, so Paige just let Emily sleep. Before long, when she felt Emily start to stir, Paige started breathing deeply; pretending to be asleep in order to spare Emily any awkwardness. She felt Emily sit up a little; felt Emily's hair swish from one side to another as she got her bearings and realized where she had spent the night. She felt Emily carefully untangle their limbs as she slowly climbed out of her bed. And then she felt Emily's body lean over hers and felt warm lips grazing her cheek before whispered a barely audible "Thank you" into her ear, her hand and her hair falling lightly on Paige's shoulder. Paige listened as Emily crept over to her dresser to grab some clothes and a towel for the shower. When Paige heard the door open and close, she rolled over onto her side and let out a deep sigh.
She needed to call Pru.
