Deep into the woods of Gravity Falls, a group of gnomes were starting up a fire for their special roast.

"Don't mean to boast, but we're making a roast, of this li'l human boy, eating you'll be a joy," the gnome leader Jeff hummed, as he stirred a pot of soup. "Let me go! Dipper! Help!" Mikey was shouting, struggling against the ropes holding him down. "Keep fighting, kid! It massages your meat. No better food than the food that fights back, as my gramps used to say." He ordered the other gnomes to gather more firewood. Little did they know, Dipper Pines was hidden in one of the bushes nearby.

"Gnomes? Seriously? Okay, gnomes, gnomes, gnomes. Gotta be here somewhere." She flipped through the pages of the Journal, passing the pages she already read. She stopped on the page on "Gnomes", but was severely disappointed when...

"No weaknesses? Seriously?" She grabbed the shovel that Ria handed her when she passed by her on the way to the woods, and proceeded to jump out of the bush with the best war cry she could muster.

The gnomes looked in her direction as she charged them with a shovel, missing every single one. "Let go of my brother!", she cried out. Jeff stopped stirring his pot and glared at the girl. "Who are you to tell us what to do? You have no idea what our kind can achei-"

The gnome chief was cut off mid-sentence as Dipper scooped him up on her shovel and tossed him away, almost landing in the pot he was stirring. She cut Mikey's ropes with the tool and helped him up on his feet. "Come on! We don't have much time!" The twins ran back into the general direction of the Shack, but with the sheer number of gnomes present, they quickly found themselves surrounded.

"I gotta hand it to you girl, you are quite feisty. I like that. So, you know me and I know you. Why don't we skip the formalities and go right to the wedding?" Jeff knelt down on one knee, holding out a ring. "Ever since we lost our last queen, I always had one ring in handy. So, Dipper Pines, would you take me and the rest of the thousand gnomes as your husbands in holy matrignomey? I mean, matrimony? Dangit, I always mess that up."

Between being faced with the horrible eternity of being the gnome queen and saving her dear brother (who still managed to get in trouble even in this small town, she might add), Dipper Pines' bright mind hatched an idea. A disgusting one, but hopefully it'll be enough to save Mikey. "Okay, gnome-"

"Jeff. The name's Jeff," the gnome leader interjected.

"Ugh, okay. Jeff. I will marry you, on one condition." Dipper braced herself and put on her best girly facade. "I always had my idea of a dream wedding, and one of the most important parts was when Mikey sang a wedding song during the ceremony. So can you give me that on our wedding day," she gulped before saying the next word, "honey?"

"Hot diggity dang! I'd do anything for my queen! Okay, boys, set up the grove. We're having a wedding party!"


Dipper found herself without her vest or her cap, and with little flowers braided into her hair. To be fair, these gnomes know how to make their queen feel special. Agh, Dipper, it's no time to be a girly girl now. This is for your bro, she reminded herself. She looked at her nails, painted with a glowing dye. Magical.

"Okay, the ceremony's about to start! Roll out the grass carpet!" A strip of green grass was rolled out onto the center of the grove, with Jeff waiting on one end and Dipper, Mikey in tow, in the other. They walked down the aisle towards Dipper's tiny man-to-be. Mikey sobbed and whispered to his sister, "I can't believe you're getting married to a bunch of gnomes. It seems like it was only yesterday when I held you in my hands when you were an infant..."

"Shut it Mikey! And besides, we're twins! How would you do that?"

"I just thought you needed a weepy father on your wedding day, ya know?"

Dipper tried her best to hold back her surprise and anger and all the emotions she was feeling and tone it down to an angry whisper. "How are you so calm? Aren't you gonna be eaten after you sing?"

"Nah, sis, I know you have a plan. I trust you enough to know you won't ACTUALLY marry these jerks," Mikey said with a smile. They reached the end of the aisle, with Jeff holding Dipper's hand. He took a look at Mikey, who was grinning, and said, "Don't be so smug, boy. You're still the wedding feast for today."

"Okay! Let's start with the list of gnomes you'll marry! There's Jeff (that's me), Steve, Carson, Jason..."


After what felt like a century, the list came to an end. "Now for the special wedding song! Dipper dear, what do you want your brother to sing?"

Dipper browsed her mind for the highest, squeakiest, poppiest, most ear-bleedingly bubblegum pop song the two of them knew. With a grin, she reached a conclusion. "Disco Girl, by BABBA."

"Ooooh, 80s kid. Okay, band, hit it!" The gnome keyboardist tossed Mikey a mic, who started to sing.

Weekend's starting
It's almost night
And only dancing makes me feel right

So I go to the nearest disco
Where they only play the hits
And I get into the beat
The DJ hits repeaaaaaaaaaaat
And I sing

Disco girl, coming through
That girl is you

Oooh! Ooooh!

Disco girl, coming through
That girl is you
You can groove, show your moves
Make everyone see

Disco girl, coming through
That girl is you

Oooh! Ooooh!

Mikey, as Dipper so perfectly predicted, hit the highest notes with the squeakiest puberty voice known to man. Jeff and the gnomes reeled in pain from the high pitched noise Mikey was making. "Agh! It hurts!"

Dipper stood over Jeff, with Mikey still singing (a capella, as the band was incapacitated) in the background. "Now, you do what I tell you to, or my brother will continue singing the rest of BABBA's greatest hits. Deal?"

"Yes! Deal! Just go away!" Jeff and the rest of the tiny men scrambled away from the twins.


"Hey Dipper."

The girl turns to her brother, who continues talking. "I'm sorry for forcing you to have a date with a boy. Especially because that boy turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.

"Aw, it's okay Mikey." Dipper hesitates for a moment before adding, "Awkward sibling hug?"

"Awkward sibling hug."

The two children hug, before adding "Pat. Pat." They hear Sibylla calling for them from inside the Shack. Michael and Dipper Pines go inside, as night falls.


"Kids, I know that this Shack isn't really the epitome of fun for people your age, but it's just nice to be able to have some life in the house. That's actually why I agreed to take you in for the summer. Tell you what, as compensation for your boring stay here, I'll let you take one item from the gift shop. Free of charge."

"Really, Graunt Sibs?"

"Thank you so much!"

The twins run into the gift shop, trying on several shirts and caps, and looking at different items. Dipper settles on a yellow cap with a felt green pine on it, and Mikey, unsurprisingly, went for a grappling hook he found in one wayward box.

"Dear, wouldn't you want a nice bobblehead Mrs. Mystery instead? Or a snow globe?" Sibylla asked, worry evident on her face.

"Nuh-uh. Grappling hook!"

Dipper laughs at her Graunt's resigned expression while Mikey looked at his new grappling hook in awe and amazement. This was going to be the best summer of his life. She knew it.


AN: It took so long for me to get the ending together! Thanks to attention for suggesting that turn of events. I'm sure other people would appreciate your attention too!

The chorus for Disco Girl is from the wonderful Brad Breeck and Mr. H himself. You can hear it for yourself in the episode "Dipper vs. Manliness". Thanks for reading!


Midnight comes and as the children sleep, their great aunt slips through the walls of the Shack itself. The vending machine opens, emitting a ghostly blue light. Sibylla Pines looks around, and disappears into her secret room.

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