Chapter 3: Agony is my Name

Dear Diary,

I don't how this is going to help but...I need to get this off my chest somehow. Lately, Naruto-kun has been telling me about his past. It's something I know, or at least partially, but...talking to him brings up memories. I... listening to him, listening to his loneliness, it makes me want to blurt out something like 'You're not alone' or something like that, but...I can't. I can't burden his life any longer. If anyone reads this down the line, when I'm dead... I want you to know. I want you to know why his stories affect me so. I want to let you know, just what went on in my mind. The most overwhelming thought at the time was.

Why? Why did he have to die? I...I never got over his death. Not really. For a while, I could have just as easily been a soulless husk. What was I supposed to feel? The one I loved...the one I could never be with...he was DEAD! The pain...the pain in my soul was never ending. Ha, I used to always think that...Sasuke, that traitor, was a fool. An idiot who never could get over his past..

Ha. I guess that makes me a fool. Losing a loved one, even if they didn't even know of you, it hurts you. It changes you. It twists your soul and heart, it eats at you...then spits you out, a husk of your former self. I may not have been able to be with him, but I didn't need to be. HIs mere presence was enough to make you laugh, and make you feel like...like you meant something. It wasn't intentional, or at least...I don't think so.

I'll be honest. When I first heard the news, I wanted to hunt his killer down. I wanted to kill them...or, the more likely outcome, be killed and join him in death. It's a morbid thought, and a stupid one really, but...grief clouded my mind. When I heard... when I heard that the other person was also dead, I lost that purpose. In a way I envy Sasuke. For the majority of his life, he had a target, a target of his grief. I didn't have that small comfort, that comfort of who to hate. So after his death, I resolved to become a Hunter nin. I wanted to die. What better way than to hunt criminals? Some of those criminals were powerful enough to level small villages. There was nothing more to it.

I know that what I'm saying is strange. Why would I want to die over someone who I never really interacted with, and could never be with anyway? Ha, I may not have been able to be with him, but I didn't need to be. HIs mere presence was enough to make you laugh, and make you feel like...like you meant something, even if you didn't know him. He had that comforting presence that just made you want to trust him.. It wasn't intentional, or at least...I don't think so. But his presence was a comfort and his determination was contagious I don't know, but seeing him fight for those who were precious to him, it made me feel like if we would have worked, I would have been safe. I would have had someone who would love me unconditionally.

I wasn't the only one to notice it. My sister noticed it a lot sooner than I did and I regret to say that, when I was older, I hated her for it. I hated her because of the two of us, she was the only one who had even a ghost of a chance. I regret it now, I wish I could have interacted more with my sister, been friends with her. Perhaps then... no, it wouldn't have made a difference. I was, in a way, the same as her. I stalked him from time to time, I admit it.

I was a hunter nin for years...and yet they coddled me. The Shichidaime Hokage, Shizune, had seen through my grief, knew I wanted to die...and made me live. I know she thought she was doing what she thought was best, but...I... I resented her for a bit too. Ha, that was an emotion I seemed to feel a lot. Resent, resent for Shizune, resent for my sister, resent for myself. That was why I was known as the Ice Queen, a title that was shared by a kunoichi by the name of Kurenai.

But...I'll be honest, the one person I hated more than anyone was my father. A couple of years after his death, my father set up an arranged marraige for me. I was pissed. I raged for hours...but it was either that or the Hyuuga's Cursed Seal. I admit I was toying with the idea of the latter, but I realized something. Even if I did, even I was cast out of the main family...he would just use the Seal to force me to marry him. My father was a powerhungry bastard. I couldn't take much more. I was at my breaking point.


Only one thing stopped me from committing suicide, the thought that if my crush could put up with the hate that the village showed him, I could be strong enough to endure this. I could endure the torture of a loveless marraige. That was what it had to be. I closed off my heart after he died. The only thing I was thankful for was that the arranged suitor was my age.

Yes, I could have done a lot worse than Udon. At first I was very cold to him, and Udon didn't deserve that. In my academy days I had always of him as a dork, a nerd. As my husband, he was courteous, and he could tell that something was wrong with me. I don't deny it. He never forced himself on me. He wanted to help me through my problems, we were stuck with each other after all. Six months into our marriage, he confronted me about it. I pushed him away, basically telling him to screw himself. He persisted, and I needed it. I needed a confidant. It took him a while, but I eventually gave in. I broke down, his constant pestering opened up wounds. I told him my crush on Naruto, I told him how his death screwed me up. I told him I knew it was crazy, that I knew that I was crazy for feeling this way. I knew I was crazy for being the only one not to have moved on. Even my sister, with her crush, seemed to move on to her bug loving teammate of hers. Yet, I, who had only talked to him once to say something similar to 'idiot' though I don't remember it very well, had yet to move on.

He offered a shoulder to cry on. He was the only person I considered a friend, now. Even the friendship between Konohamaru and myself had faded. Then a year later...I died.

It was a death that some would be proud of. I died fighting Kumo, who had decided to destroy Konoha. I managed to thin their numbers before their Jinchuuriki killed me with those swords of his. I don't know what happened to Konoha after that. I think I became a hollow due to my negative emotions before I was dead for half an hour. The shinigami didn't find me, I suppose their ranks were too thin at that time to cover the immense death rate.

Wait...I hear footsteps...someones approaching.

~Hyuuga Hanabi

Lilinette gasped as she heard footsteps approach. She wiped her tears away with her hands, closed her black diary, and hid it in her hiding spot under the bed, and stood at attention. She knew who it was. There was only one person who came up at this time. He had a mission earlier in the day, assigned by Aizen, to recapture a girl named Orihime. She breathed out a sigh of relief. She worried about him despite the fact that he didn't need it. At least he was okay. She smirked when he came into the room.

)(A/N: I'm...not very happy with this chapter. It didn't flow right and I had a bit of writers block, but I wanted to put in a bit more background. This chapter is obviously Lilinette ( I refuse to call her Lilynette, I like Lilinette better, just like I like Stark better than Starrk) centric. Also, I know it's starting slow, and the action probably won't start for another chapter or two. Yes I made Shizune the Shichidaime Hokage. I changed it from what I originally had it, due to a review. THANK YOU! This chapter was admittedly a bit awkward and I don't think it was very believable, but I hope you enjoyed reading it anyway. Till next time.)(