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Chapter 3
Satisfaction
"That's it, good girl, now press it here."
"I can't" I said tears rolling down my cheeks my body shaking silently as the knife shook between my tiny trembling hands.
"You can do it, come on."
My mouth moved the sound coming out almost as if it feared leaving the tip of my tongue since right now just breathing seemed to burn my throat, "Momma…" The tip pressed against her chest as I felt her weak hands on mine, pressing the knife in towards her body.
"Do you remember everything I taught you?"
I nodded as I looked at her one last time before committing to this act of self-sacrificing that we needed for survival. Yet my entire body rocked with fear and shivered under guilt I could not stand the look before me. She was so pale, her eyes sunken into her face a gleam of light that signified the very little life she had.
The very little life that would soon be non-existent
I watched the knife break the skin going deeper as blood seeped out.
"NO! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP!" I screamed beginning to break feeling my sanity snap as reality murdered what felt like a dream and logic came crashing in-the moment becoming real, more than life itself, far too realistic.
I tried to pull away feeling her hands tighten around mines pushing it deeper.
"D-D-Don't stop."
"NOOO!" I screamed trying to pull away I felt her hand squeeze mine before making a strong jab into her body I immediately froze looking at the hilt of the knife pressing against her skin the entire shaft completely buried underneath. My eyes widened as I looked in fear at her I could feel the blood draining my face.
Her hand turned the knife and I could hear the sound of ripping flesh as she coughed up blood that splashed on my face the feeling of this warm liquid running down my face caused me to cringe.
I moved away looking at the body as I experienced shock.
She…..she's dead…
There was no breathing, no moving and she seemed utterly…lifeless.
A few hours passed and her hand moved…I moved over... "Momma….are you awake?" I asked in fear sweat rolling down my face her body moved again her hand rising falling to the ground and I screamed pulling out the knife stabbing her again.
"STAY! STAY! STAY!"
I pulled away my blood drenched body leaving marks on the wooden floor.
"Stay mommy, stay….so that I won't have to do it again" I rocked back and forth looking out from the small window at the moon. "I don't want to have to kill you….you have to stay dead…so that I can eat.
"No, do it like this, raise your hand slowly and move your legs to the right"
I followed as instructed and once more the music resumed playing and I was moving gracefully in the ballroom dancing with the instructor.
There was a sudden single person applaud as I watched the second head priest walk into the room. "She gets better and better every day doesn't she?"
"Indeed she does, it's a pity that she fell down the stairs and lost some of her memory though, now it's like starting from the basic but like always she is a fast learner and she seems to be doing well indeed"
"How astounding, it's my pleasure to always have you come and give her lessons however to cut in all necessities for the next 5 months she is on a tight schedule, her horseback riding lesson begins in the next 8 minutes and she needs to get dressed"
"Of course of course I understand" My instructor said smiling as he grabbed his jacket coming to me kissing me on my cheek. "Ugh you awfully beautiful thing I hope they take this mask off your face as soon as you recover from that injury, remember to point your toes and straighten you back" He said walking out the maidens coming in almost on point pulling the changing wall out as I walked behind raising my arms and they began undressing me.
"That dance instructor and you seem awfully close" He said walking to the window I could see him from my side of the wall but he could not see me. I felt one of the maids beginning to put on the ruffled shirt before putting on a life threatening corset.
"Only because he is kind. Unlike you" I responded.
"Don't be foolish! Celestia was nothing like that, she didn't even like that man one bit so don't be kind to him or else he might become suspicious!"
He yelled the maidens frightened and since they were done they wasted no time in leaving. He came behind the changing wall glaring knives at me. "Only the high maiden herself the head priest and you and I know about this. If you ruin this plan this religion will fall" He growled looking at him
I smiled, "You mean the religion you forced down the throats of many to believe, also, in my class with Lady Adams she taught me that a man should not look at a woman while she change, what you are doing is wrong."
There was a light blush on his cheeks making me smile. "Shut up, your done changing and from what I know your nothing close to human to be classified as a woman" He said walking off slamming the door behind him
I frowned looking down on my chest. I was a woman though.
I walked to the drawer pulling out a new mask. I wasn't permitted to wear the same one to any class and so I was to place a new half mask over my face every hour of the day. Apparently my eyes brought too much attention and were something that the woman I was pretending to be never had. I never found anything wrong with them. I took off the mask and looked at myself in the mirror.
So much has happened since I breached the walls of Maria.
When I arrived here the first day I was washed or more likely scrubbed by these people. A color my skin now had that was hidden under dirt and light swellings and wounds. I have been locked inside wearing long sleeves and dresses cascading over my body and it weren't for my skin but my body which since then has been getting drained. I hadn't eaten my type of food instead I had animals: pigs, cows, rabbits, deer, chicken, I didn't want that…..instead….. I craved the meat of…
Dammit
Enough thought and said, I didn't want my months of hunger steering up on me now.
I laced the mask on this one was built for horseback riding so it wouldn't fall off. I put it on my face staring through the small space it provided sight for and felt how it made me feel every pin that held my hair into a full pulled back bun as I tightened the string at the back of my head.
When they were done cleaning me they taught me the basics, greeting, smiling politely and by this one they taught me to do it with my mouth closed.
What was so intimidating about my smiles anyways?
I learned everyday whether it was music, political history, dancing, basic home economics such as sewing, cooking and body health. I was fascinated being so exposed to vast information my offer to pretend to be someone in comparison to these experiences made me feel so guilty like what I was getting was far too great for such a trivial offer of pretense.
I was molded into what this man wanted me to become. The splitting incarnation of the deceased daughter, Celestia Ackerman the third. And now I had to continue this act for the next 3 years.
I was escorted out to the fields where the trainer stood with two horses. I paused at my horse, I could feel it emitting off its body a sense of fear strong and rapid.
"Good Afternoon my lady, please, let's gets into the session right away" he insisted
"Understood" I replied moving towards the animal watching it step back. This class was rather challenging for me, I hated having to interact with this creature.
How troublesome.
30 or 60 yards into training I witnessed the movement of people in uniform progressing to the main entrance of the main building which was where I lived. If I wasn't right the great house of the priest was called the holy place, it was nearly half or more of the size of the kingdom far too big with much land and many rooms yet few people.
"Who are those men?"
My trainer rode closely next to me and began following my gaze, "Oh, That is the survey corps. Today it is rumored that they are coming to the head priest in order to get his approval into allowing more equipment to flow within the garrison and towards them, many have not been donating to their squads because they deem their work as unnecessary since there are always causalities and no success"
"Oh"
I could have ignored them but they smelt like titans it was reeking the air it was faint but for me in this state and hunger it was like the scent of dirt clogging your noise where the only aroma you had was earth.
"May I return early, I would like to meet them?"
I asked getting my horse to turn around as I rode back quickly.
In a matter or fifteen minutes I was already inside the building and following closely from the third floor watching as the men entered below seeing them greeted by the second priest he seemed awfully hypocritically, ass kissing and pretending so convincing and professional most likely at level 8, Acting all respectful and holy. But of course I was one who knew the closest this man could get to God was to looking up at him in heaven from hell.
Meanwhile
"Must we come here? This isn't not that far from being the same as begging" Levi said looking at Erwin from the corner of his eyes.
"Do understand if we need the support and the money then even if we must make an appearance ourselves it should be done, I have sent 77 letters already and its either it got lost on its way from the doorstep to the door or this man has been receiving them and refusing to read or acknowledge them" He replied following behind the second priest.
"My men could have been training or cleaning their barracks, something worth of their time than something as filthy and hopeless as this"
"This filthy and hopeless activity might be what guarantees our ability to continue working." He said giving him a sharp eye, he like Levi never wanted to be here but if it was his duty as a leader to drop his pride and defend his men and support them by granting them the chance and ability to work then he was willing to do it.
That aside as they walked to the discussion room the men looked in awe around the area the walls were covered with paintings the carpet was soft and smooth and the furniture such as the tables and the vases looked like the best of its kind. And this of course was merely them walking through hallways.
"The priest is treated highly in the kingdom he falls second after the king. That is because the kingdom is on the corresponding level of the church, and in the church, the priest is great." The second priest said walking ahead of them boastfully; you could hear the arrogance even though he tried to make the conversation light. "I'm Henry Vickerman and even though I've been serving 35 years in the church the priest has to me been like a brother and his residence to me is like a home." He added as they went up a flight of stairs making the sound of heavy footsteps.
"The Priest, the maids, workers and I are the only persons in this grand residenc-"
He paused as he came to the last step entering the next hall
"Oh" Erwin said looking at the person before him. It was a woman, "I though the workers and the priest and you only lived here" the men behind him chuckled Levi of course a straight face
Henry Vickerman gave a small growl and gritted his teeth. He turned to them, "And of course her, our dear Celestia, our promised maiden to marry the King"
"Ah, I have heard of the priest having a maiden who gave a virgin birth to a young baby who was a child of the priest"
"Indeed" Henry said looking at him. "This is her, we have fledged her into the perfect woman by training, she is only 23 but at this prime age it is perfect for child bearing in order to give the king a rightful heir to the kingdom"
"I see, so much about her, yet, does she know how to speak for herself" He said taking her had kissing it, "My pleasure to make acquaintance with a lovely lady as yourself."
"The pleasure is mine" She replied
Erwin looked at her taking in her presence something awfully odd about her struck him. She wore a half mask on her face but that aside you could see the beauty of her face, yet something, ominous.
"Would you mind accompanying me, your second priest seems to be keeping up company on this small journey to the discussion hall but your presence would be very much welcomed" He said turning to his men who smiled
She nodded and began walking the sound of hard leather boots moving through the halls hers no different than theirs. She paused at the entrance opening the door as they all entered.
"Please have your seats" Henry said sitting down. They began speaking and the conversation was going downhill there was no way the church wanted to give money to the survey corps. They wasted money on expeditions that were doomed to failure and life.
"But we are so close to success you have no idea"
"You have said that before the high priest himself is tired of giving money year after year that is going down the drain."
My P.O.V
Waste of time? Waste of money….seems more like lack of interest
"I can assure you it won't go down the drain we are very close to our prize" Erwin added
"Why not use this as an investment" I muttered however loud enough for them to hear as all heads turned to me. I looked back at them and more specifically at the second priest as I rubbed the texture of the mask. "If we invest and ensure the money isn't wasted then we would actually earn something out of this, and if anything is gained the name of the church laced into this would cause more income for our revenue"
The priest looked at me. "Don't be ridiculous but where are we going to find someone who will supervise"
"Why not me"
"Why not her" Erwin said smiling, "Who to trust more than her, and our survey mission will be well guided so it's not like her life is at risk"
"Tsk, I wouldn't-"
"I want to go" I insisted. "I need to go"
He rose up and walked out the room. "Please excuse us, Celestia come"
The door closed behind us and he looked at me. "I cannot allow you to leave this mansion, you are-"
"If I remember correctly in the contract I was permitted to go beyond the walls why are you restricting me."
He gritted his teeth, "I'm not restricting you but-"
"I'm going" I insisted.
He growled and opened the door slamming it in my face. I stood there waiting….pondering….yet I could smell the whiff of titan eroding out the room.
It was a long wait and by the time they were done most of them were leaving the room. I stepped in it and there was only Erwin, the second priest and another uniformed man.
"For nearly 20 years now the count in titan activity beyond the wall has be reduced so much it's almost like they are being wiped out clear from existence. Only on missions it is that you encounter titans" the priest said
"I do understand the time period has been labelled the Grace period for never before in centuries has the ever happened, but that is what we want, what is the cause, and if there is a cause can we use it to our benefit and keep them away….forever"
The priest stopped looking at him pondering, "The Grace Period is treated as a millennium gift, it only comes once in a lifetime and it would be priceless if you took that away from us your death alone could not fathom"
"I understand, but think positively, the death of generations upon generations could be avoided"
"Tsk"
Captain Erwin turned to me smiling. It seems the conversation has ended. "It will be a pleasure for us to have you" Erwin said shaking my hand as the priest escorted him out the room I was left with this silent silver eyed male shorter than me-staring at me.
"You are coming with us because"
"Because I'm intrigued" I replied, looking at him interestingly, "You're just coming from beyond the walls" I said inhaling deeply my stomach curling as I could literally taste the meat itself in my mouth even though it wasn't there. I turned looking at him my mouth lightly watering. I haven't eaten the day I went under the wall, that's almost 7 months and human food was disgust they could at least season it with some titan blood or anything of that caliber.
"How would you know that" He asked his eyes narrowing on me.
"How would I not" I asked looking at him
He was glaring intensely at me and I knew I hit something….probably a secret mission. I never knew about but I did now it was done beyond the walls.
By the looks of his uniform he wasn't just a solider he was a captain, and I was right by the whispering maids who I stood next to watching as they entered the manor, he must have been the strict and patriotic captain Levi.
"How annoying, no one was to know such information, I just have to eradicate it from your mind" he said a smirk across his face as my eyes saw his movement to pull something from his waist and quickly with the air of suspense and the line of defense seeing that he should not be underestimated and I could fall into danger, I quickly took the initiative and he saw full well what I was about to do.
"Not interested in the mission, just the journey"
The words slipped off my lips as they parted, my tongue licking the skin the faint taste of blood on his neck as I pinned him against the table. I could feel the jolting pain of the blade in the palm of my hand as I stopped it from moving towards my throat my other hand maintaining the position of the pen angled directly in front his right eye ready to plunge. But his force wasn't to be reckoned with, my hand was bleeding heavily.
The ink on the table spilled as the curtain from the window blew inwards knocking the light container to the ground.
Somewhat satisfied….yet such Pyrrhic victory.
And like that…I left...more over...worst mistake
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