A/N: Okay, so this may go on for more than four chapters. There's just so much that I want to write and I'm trying to filter them. Anyways, sorry for the wait and happy reading yall!
Friday comes and Riley does not know who is more nervous – her or Auggie.
The past three days have been especially tough because no matter how many times she has tried to get Auggie to talk to her about the things that matter (like how he still feels as though it is his fault for their parent's death or how he thinks he is holding her back), he just clamps up. It is only when she changes the subject that he starts responding to her.
It is frustrating because she knows if her parents were alive, Auggie would not hesitate to open up to them. Her father would sit him down on the couch, and after watching a game that they have watched a million times, ask Auggie what was wrong and her brother would talk. Her mother would come in after a long day at the office, sit on the edge of Auggie's bed and run her hand through his hair. She would look at him with such love and understanding that he would not be able to hide anything from her.
Riley had tried everything her parents usually did, and both times, she had been met with an empty stare and a raised eyebrow.
They reach the youth center, and Riley stops her brother before they walk into the counselor's office.
"Auggie," she grips his arm gently, and sighs when her brother still does not look at her. She takes her hand away but continues, "I know I'm not your favorite person right now. But I need you to be open to this, okay? I just – I just want you to feel better."
Auggie remains silent, but whereas his shoulders were in a slouch earlier, it is now stiff and upright. Whereas his eyes had been downcast, they are not glaring daggers at her.
Riley resists the urge to sigh again. Dammit, she has said something wrong and has put him on defense mode. Again.
Just how many more times is she going to screw up before she learns her lesson?
"I'll keep that in mind, Riley," he grits and Riley shakes her head to apologize but does not get to. "Is there anything else you want me to be? Peachy? Happy? I mean, you can't just want me to 'feel better'?"
Her eyes burn at how malicious her brother's words but she wills herself not to cry.
"Auggie, that's not –"
"Riley?" a familiar voice interrupts her and her eyes widen at the man in front of them.
"Lucas? What are you doing here?"
"Uh, I work here," he awkwardly points to the 'Counselor' tag on the door and Riley nods.
Of course he does.
"Oh."
Lucas smiles at Auggie and holds out his hand, a kind smile on his handsome face that makes her heart melt. Her brother takes Lucas' hand begrudgingly, and Riley almost sighs in relief at that one act of acceptance.
"Come in," he gestures for them both to enter his office.
As Lucas briefs them on the program structure, and how the youth center operates, Riley listens but watches her brother from the corner of her eye.
Auggie's jaws are locked as he wrings his hands, his eyes once again on the floor. As she listens to Lucas, she cannot help but hope that this program helps her brother. Because she wants the sweet, innocent boy that would think twice before he hurt her feelings back.
"The program ends at six, so you can pick your brother up then, Riley," Lucas informs her and she thanks him.
Riley places her hand on Auggie's shoulders and squeezes it, heart clenching when his shoulders stiffen at the contact she initiates. Hurt flashes across her face before she masks it, and she turns towards the door.
Lucas holds it open for her, sympathy and understanding all etched on his face but there is also something comforting about the soft smile that plays on the edge of his lips.
It is as though he is assuring her that her brother is in good hands. And though she has only met this man for a brief amount of time, she does believe that this program can help Auggie.
And so, she promises to be back at six o'clock sharp, kisses her brother's forehead and leaves the room.
"Do you think I'm a good person?" she asks her roommate as she places a cookie on his plate.
Zay gives her a puzzled look, and she sighs.
"You know, I don't think I've heard anyone sigh as much as you have. And I've only known you for four months," Zay raises his eyebrow. "Is this about Auggie? He's been hot and cold to you for a while."
"You noticed that, huh?"
"I come home from work to find the two of you laughing at reruns of Brooklyn Nine Nine three nights ago and then to him ignoring you last night. It doesn't take a genius," Zay sympathetically replies as he takes her hand and squeezes it. "Look, Sugar, you're doing everything you can. He may not see it now, but he will. I know I've only been here for a few months but one thing I am sure of is that you're a good sister and you're a good person. Auggie loves you but he's angry at the world right now and the only person he can really take his anger out on is you."
She tilts her head to the side as she contemplates her friend's words, "You've been in my position before?"
Zay nods, and the sorrow that flashes across his face makes her get up and take a seat beside him. Riley wraps her arm around him and leans her head on her shoulder.
"I had a friend once who was very angry at the world. He didn't take it out on me," he assures her hastily when her eyes widen at panic. "But he took it out on a few bullies in my name when we were in high school. He got expelled."
"I'm sorry," she says and Zay shrugs, though the hurt is still there. "Zay, you have to know it's not your fault."
"I know that. That still doesn't mean that it hurts any less because I lost my best friend that day," Zay gulps. "You're doing the right thing with Auggie, Riley. Him keeping all his thoughts and emotions in is not healthy, especially after all the two of you have been through. It sucks that it took him being suspended but at least it's not too late. And when he realizes that, that boy is going to be so thankful that he has an amazing older sister who would do anything for him. Time, Sugar, that's all you need."
"Thanks, Zay," she smiles at him. She gets up and kisses him on the cheek before she squeezes his shoulder comfortingly. "For what it's worth, I'm sure your friend misses you very much too. I know I would if I ever lost you."
Riley leaves to pick Auggie up, and Zay is left gaping at her as the door closes, thankful for the day he walked into the bakery and asked to be her roommate.
When she picks Auggie up that day, he still does not talk to her. His eyes are red though, and when Lucas just gives her a nod with a small smile, she gives one back to him.
Time, she reminds herself.
Lucas finds her at the bakery after closing hours a few days later, and she almost sends him away before she sees how tired he looks. Riley motions for him to take a seat on the couch as she makes him a cup of iced tea and heats up the meatloaf that Aunt Angela had brought for her earlier.
When she gets back to him, he smiles at her thankfully as she sets the tray down.
"Rough day?" she asks compassionately and chuckles fondly when he groans.
Slowly, he nods as he runs his hand across his face, and for the first time, Riley thinks about how much of a toll his job must take on him too. It cannot be easy being responsible for troubled boys with different backgrounds.
When she says so, he shrugs and smiles softly, "They're worth it. Sometimes, all they need is someone to believe in them."
She stills when he says that, shoulders stiffening at his statement. Lucas' eyes widen when he realizes what his words implies and sputters as he backtracks, "Not that I mean that Auggie doesn't have anyone who believes in him. I mean, it's obvious that he does."
Riley raises her eyebrow at him.
"I can't talk about our sessions together, of course. But it is obvious how much he loves and admires you and – "
"It is?" she timidly cuts him off, and Lucas nods hesitantly.
"It is," he promises, and slowly, a small smile spreads across her face.
Maybe she is doing something right after all. For the first time in a while, there is a sense of assurance that courses through her.
"Thanks," she shyly smiles and takes his hand. Riley ignores the tingles that make the hair on her arm stand at his touch.
"So, Katy told me that you took the photos over there?" he points to the photographs on the wall and the smile slides off her face. "They're really good."
The photographs are snaps that she took when she had been in high school and her Uncle Shawn had gifted her with her first professional camera. She had started with taking pictures of customers in the café (with their permission, of course). The joy on their faces, the candidness of their poses and the satisfaction that she felt when she edited the photos had concretized her decision to pursue photography.
"Do you have more recent ones?"
His question startles her out of her thoughts and she shakes her head. Riley does not elaborate, and she is thankful when he does not probe her.
"Can I share something personal with you?"
"That depends. Are you here as my brother's counselor or my customer?"
"I'm hoping I can be here as a friend," he offers. She wants to look away from the sincerity that shines through, and she does, opting instead to push the plate of meatloaf towards.
Riley watches as he takes the first bite, and she narrows her eyes at him when he closes his eyes to savor the taste.
"Admit it. You're here for the meatloaf," she playfully taunts.
"Meatloaf!" he exclaims in the most ridiculous tone and she cannot help the snort that escapes her lips. He holds out the fork to her, and wiggles it in front of her.
Riley rolls her eyes but digs in too.
"So, you were about to share something personal?" she reminds him when they are done with their food.
"Eager, are we?" he teases.
"Oh, not knowing is totally eating me up inside," she counters, deadpan, and Lucas smirks. Riley rolls her eyes and throws a cushion at him, pouting when he catches it.
They talk for a long while. He tells her that he became a counselor because of his father who he admires greatly. She tells him about how she went into photography because her Uncle Shawn had introduced her to it. He tells her about how life had been in Texas, and why he chose to come to New York. She tells him about why she chose to remain in New York.
"You don't regret it," he states rather than asks. She nods almost immediately.
"He's my little brother," she shrugs. "I'll never regret doing anything for him."
The intensity of Lucas' gaze on her, one filled with admiration and respect, makes her shift awkwardly in her seat.
"You're a good guardian, Riley," he tenderly smiles.
It is as though a weight on her chest has been lifted as she talks to him about her life here, and how she is coping. Lucas listens, much like her family and friends but unlike them, he does not interrupt her when she talks about her doubts. He listens and does not butt in when she questions herself. Instead, he just listens as she lets it all out.
"Thanks for listening, Lucas," she says as she locks up later. "It's nice having someone to talk to."
When he grins boyishly and offers to walk her home, she has to remind her heart to calm down when it starts racing.
Oh man, I'm in trouble.
There are the good days and there are the bad days.
It is a bad day when she comes across Shane Allen's website and sees that he has found his new team. Her heart aches at the lost opportunity because for just a few moments, she lets herself think about what could have been. She lets herself imagine being in his program and his protégé. But then Auggie walks into the bakery after his session at the youth, and she hastily closes the page.
It becomes a good day when Auggie places a small figurine on the counter, and her heart bursts with happiness when she sees that it is a purple cat. Her brother shyly smiles at her – the first after days – and she hums for the rest of her shift.
It is a bad day when her grandmother finds out about Auggie's suspension and calls, once again offering to take her little brother in. Amy does not say that she does not think that Riley is doing a good job outright but her tone implies it. Riley grits her teeth as she turns down her grandmother's offer and hangs up, snapping at Farkle when her best friend asks her why she is frowning.
(She apologizes the next day, of course, and her best friend just waves her off and promises Riley that she is doing her best and it is enough. Riley hurls herself at Maya and hugs her tight, thankful for the day her father opened her bay window and her best friend slipped in all those years ago.)
It is a bad day when Zay meets Lucas for the first time, and it turns out that Lucas is the best friend he had lost. No matter how hard she tries, Riley cannot get the look of utter heartbreak that crosses both their faces out of her mind. She comes home to Zay with his face down on her couch, and she makes him a cup of hot cocoa to cheer him up. For the first time, he does not take it, and Riley leaves him be, wishing that she knew what else to do so that her friend would feel better.
It is a good day when she walks into the bakery to find Zay and Lucas talking, both calmly but happily. It seems as though they've talked things out and she tells them that their orders are on the house because she is happy that they have worked things out. Zay kisses her on the cheek but it is the mouthed 'thank you' that Lucas sends her way that makes her heart race.
Maya asks her when she is going to ask Lucas out after he leaves with Zay and frowns when Riley just shakes her head.
"I'm not."
"You're not what?"
"I'm not asking him out," she informs Maya.
"What? Why not?"
"Because I don't want to ruin things for Auggie." Riley shrugs and explains when Maya just looks at her in confusion, "He has been opening up to Lucas and he really does enjoy being at the youth center. I don't want to date Lucas and make things awkward for him. "
"Honey –"
"I know I'm probably thinking too much into this and going 'full Riley' but – "
Maya claps her hand to Riley's mouth, smiling softly at her best friend. "Hey, everything you've done has been for Auggie. No one is ever gonna fault or question you for that, okay?"
Riley holds out her arm to hug her best friend closer, once again thankful for the support that she can rely on.
"But promise me something, Riles?"
"Anything," she promises, her eyes closed as she hugs Maya, contentment spreading through her.
Maya pulls away, sympathy and understanding – the one she always possesses when it comes to Riley – shining through her beautiful blue eyes. "Promise me that when the time comes, you will be open to the idea of having something for yourself again."
"What?" Riley asks, confused and a little affronted.
"When was the last time you made a decision based on what you wanted or needed?" Maya questions her.
Riley wants to tell Maya that her own wants and needs do not really matter right now. She has a responsibility towards her brother that she must fulfill because he is Auggie and she loves him.
"I know you do, Riles," Maya assures her and Riley startles. Oh, she must have said that aloud. "That's something we've all always admired about you. When you love, you love so wholeheartedly. But it is also something we fear for because you forget that you deserve that kind of love too. I want you to promise me that you're not going to get so used to putting everyone else first that when there comes a time for you to do the same for yourself, you won't."
"But, Maya –"
"Promise me. Promise me now. It doesn't have to be a man, Riley. Heck, it could be you going back to photography again. But promise me that when the times comes, you will not hesitate to do what you've done for Auggie for yourself."
"You want me to go to the youth center?" Riley jokes badly, chastised when Maya just sends her an exasperatedly fond glare.
Not for the first time, she wonders if having a best friend who knows her so well is a curse or a blessing. So much of what Maya has said is true, and though she has not thought about it herself, it scares her to admit it.
So, instead of arguing with her best friend and sitting through another uncomfortable conversation that she is not ready to have, Riley plasters a smile that Maya sees through anyway and says, "I promise."
She still dreams about her parents a lot.
There are nights when the dreams are more of nightmares. She does not remember much from these nightmares, except that they're frowning at her. Her mother's eyes are downcast as disappointment etches on her beautiful face. There are tears in her father's eyes as he asks her what she is doing with her life and Auggie's.
Riley always jolts awake, and she almost immediately scampers to Auggie's room. She watches her brother, her racing heart slowly calming down when she takes in the way he peacefully sleeps. She has to remind herself that Auggie is fine, that he is doing better, and that she is not a failure.
(She repeats her mantra in her head, closes the door, and slides down Auggie's door. She falls back asleep outside his door, and wakes up the next morning when Zay shakes her gently. Her roommate regards her kindly, and she smiles at him in appreciation for waking her up before Auggie.)
The nightmares aren't always nightmares.
There are nights when she dreams of them just looking at her, love and adoration shining through both their faces. Her mother's wide smile, the one where she shows her teeth, bring her comfort as Topanga holds out her arms. Beside her, Cory winks, his own smile boyish and cheeky, exactly the way Riley will always remember.
On those days, she wakes up with a smile on her own face, peace and serenity coursing through her because she knows that no matter how tough life is, she will always have their love.
A/N: Let me know what you think about this chapter! :)
