Hi guys! I'm sorry that I haven't been updating all that much, but my life has taken a decidedly angsty turn. I will try to update, but every time I do sit down to write I'll start off happy and cheery and by the end someone is dead, or in so much emotional pain they decide to cut themselves, or are on the verge of suicide … you get the idea. I guess I'm just not in the space of mind to update. But I will soldier on! Read and review!

The pain that he had caused by leaving… he had no idea. I lay here on my bed and all I could do was think about the times we spent together. I analysed every memory, I second-guessed everything. Had he truly meant that he loved me?

I knew I had walked away, bit was it the right choice. I knew for a fact that me and him had no right to be together. He was a Greek God, and even though I knew, I was no Plain Jane my beauty paled in comparison to his overpowering pull.

His golden eyes were liquid and showed nothing but love and adoration, but were that doubt that I saw deep inside his eyes?

That is how I spent weeks of my life. In the day was plagued by doubt, my mind was deluged with suggestions I was boring, uninteresting and, in general, just unlikeable.

The illness that weighed me down during the day, however, was nothing compared to the night.

The horrifying, terrible qualities that the night possessed frightened me. It was when my doubts truly came out to play.

The dreams that I experienced were not gruesome, and in a way, were not truly frightening. Well, they wouldn't be to anyone else. But then again, had anyone else experienced what I had?

The answer was a resounding no, I knew of no human that knew of the existence of vampires. I wished I wasn't so alone, I wished Edward's secret didn't hold me back as it did now.

It would have been much easier if Edward had been human, and the pain that I felt was nothing more than a teenager losing their first boyfriend.

But I wasn't that lucky, the pain I felt was closer to the pain one feels when they lose their true love, a best friend, a sister, a mother, a father and brother. The pain I felt was the pain of losing a family and a way of life.

Who was I to complain though? I had received more than a lifetime of happiness whilst the Cullen clan was her, and now was the time for me to receive the lifetime of sadness that everyone had to go through.

Sometimes I wished that they would come back. It was a nice feeling when you could, if you really wanted, to be able to bet one million dollars that some one loved you.

These days, I wasn't so sure. Of all the times, that he had told me that he loved me, could that all just be taken back with 5 words? Was it truly possible?

I knew my mind said yes. He had made it obvious that he didn't want me anymore in the forest; I always knew that the day would come. I had walked away from him! I was so sure before of this simple fact, but now it had joined the many uncertainties that had formed in my mind.

My heart always said, no. He had told me a million times that he loved me, would his brother attacking me really stop him? In Phoenix, he promised that he would stay whilst it was still safe. He didn't ever say anything about leaving me because he didn't love me.

I turned to the clock that lay beside my old, rickety bed. Its numbers read 6:35. Yet another night wasted I thought to myself. I had woken at 2am by the mysterious and troubling dreams. At least this time I hadn't screamed.

I still didn't know why I screamed. According to Charlie, it was a shriek of pure pain. Obviously, I wasn't meant to hear that, but I couldn't help but eavesdrop as he yelled down the phone line to my mother, Renee, in Phoenix.

I sighed, I decided to get up, I knew for a fact that Charlie had left on another fishing expedition with Billy. It was early, but it wasn't like I had anything to do.

Slowly, I eased myself off the bed. I acted instinctively and turned to the mirror in the corner of the room. I saw myself and almost cried.

My normally shiny and luscious hair hung in dirty strands, lank and obviously filthy. It framed my thin and emaciated face.

My eyes looked abnormally large; the brown eyes not a chocolate anymore but a monotone brown. There was no life in them anymore. It had been sucked out the day Edward left.

The bags underneath my eyes were almost purple, no doubt from the countless sleepless nights.

My shoulders were hunched, almost defensively. I straightened up, then immediately hunched over again. My head was drooped, and in an attempt to dispel the pathetic reflection that faced me, I lifted it up. It didn't help.

My skin was pale; I certainly looked like the part albino that I claimed to be when I first moved to Forks. My skin was unhealthy though, it was obvious because the usual glow was not there.

From far away I could pass as a vampire. My eyes were dark enough, my skin pale enough. The only thing that wasn't quite up to par was the beauty. I looked horrible, and that's putting it nicely. Alice wouldn't be happy.

I giggled, then immediately stopped. The sound bounced off the pale yellow walls. I was shocked. It had been three weeks since Edward left and since then, I had not so much as cracked a smile let alone laugh. I felt like laughing again. In joy or in celebration, maybe both, I did not care.

I wanted to feel weightless.

Maybe I was moving on? I didn't care; the relief that came with being to laugh was amazing.

I though I was crazy, who found so much pleasure in being able to laugh? I wanted to run around, for the first time in three weeks I felt energetic. I wanted to go somewhere, I wanted to do something. Maybe I could cook, maybe I could read, I could even write something.

All I knew was that the urge to do something was slowly taking over me. I settled on reading. I decided that a trip to the ER was a bit too much, and that the neighbours wouldn't like the whirring of blending machine this early in the morning.

I looked over at my book collection, I would take it slow. Definitely not Jane Austen, half her characters are named… I shook my head. No unhappy thoughts, I told myself sternly.

I looked through the shelf.

Maximum Ride? No, I wasn't a huge fan of half human half bird hybrids.

Narnia? No, the Lion was never my favourite character, and I always thought that Susan was pretentious.

Alex Rider? No, if I wanted crime and a bit of espionage I would whip out the James Bond movies.

Harry Potter? God, yes. It was exactly what I was looking for. He had his own problems. Maybe I could lose myself in his world so I wouldn't have to face mine.

As time passed, I lost interest. Hogwarts didn't provide much of distraction. The feeling that had filled me previously was slowly beginning to lose its touch. After awhile I discovered that I wasn't even reading anymore.

Then, for only the second time after his departure, I cried. It was the second time the numbness had worn off. I cried for so long, but I didn't care. Deep down, I was rejoicing because I knew I was getting better.

Maybe, just maybe there was a chance that I wouldn't mourn over his leaving for my whole life. Maybe, just maybe I could begin to look back on the memories of us in happiness. Maybe, just maybe I might even be able to say his name again.

Just maybe.

Not as depressing as I thought it would be. There are a lot of time jumps in this story, its up to you to keep up. Sorry for the slow updates. I do not own Twilight. Please review and have a nice day. Finally broke the four page mark GO ME!