Here it is…an epic confrontation! The whole stupid (bleep)ing quest begins for Sonic and Tails…
At the Mystic Ruins train station, Cheech and Chong-I mean, SONIC AND TAILS went to Tails' meth lab-I mean, "workshop". Tails said to Sonic "You'll love what I've now discovered, man!"
Sonic replied "Now I'm starting to worry that you've made some more of your special brownies…"
Just as Sonic and Tails got to the plateau below the workshop, they met up with Dr. Robotnik, who had been waiting for them this whole time. THE PLAYER asks "First the rooftop, and now this? Why has Eggman suddenly become Sonic's stalker? I thought that was Amy's role!"
Sonic initially felt inclined to say "Look! It's a giant talking egg!" but he realized that this insult sucked, so he decided to instead say "What happened? Did the Burger King close early? OH NO!" and he did a fake dramatic pose.
This pissed off Eggman, and THE PLAYER says "…I guess that's better."
Eggman replied "No, it was the KFC that closed early!", but only then did he realize that his only added insult to him. Sonic and Tails rolled on the ground laughing.
Sonic declared "Eggman, you SUCK at disses!"
Then Eggman said "Well…at least I don't have tons of yaoi fanfics being written about me and my best friend!"
Tails said "Ouch…he's got us there!"
Eggman then said "HAHAHA! IN YOUR FACE-Wait, what am I doing? I came here to get something, not to diss you!"
THE PLAYER declares "SENIOR MOMENT!!!"
Eggman yelled "SHUT UP!" before continuing to do what all of the Bond villains he ripped off had done in the past…tell the good guys his ENTIRE PLAN.
-
One hour later, as Eggman continued announcing to the world his diabolical plot, he was saying "…so then one robot will be stationed at 4th Street and 5th Avenue, NOT 5th Street and 4th Avenue. OH, and then another robot shall be deployed to the warehouse on 70th Boulevard. Got that?"
Sonic and Tails were writing down in notebooks what Eggman had said, and Sonic said "Yep. Oh, and where was the third bomb planted at again?"
Eggman replied "I already told you, FIFTY-SEVENTH Street!"
Tails said "Oh, thanks. I was wondering about that!" and wrote that down as well.
Eggman said "But all of this compares in no way to my ULTIMATE PLAN…and that's what I need the seven Chaos Emeralds for!"
Sonic replied "Your mom wants the seven Chaos Emeralds!"
Tails yelled "OHHHHHH! You got burned! Like, in da hizzle with da-"
Sonic glared at Tails, then said "Shut up, Tails. Mommy and Daddy are talking!"
Even THE PLAYER is laughing at this. He/she says "That was amazing…"
Eggman then thought for a second, and said "HEY! Did you just call me-?"
Sonic then said "What are you gonna do now, huh? You wanna bring it?"
Eggman yelled "STOP IT! Just give me the emerald you have, NOW, or else!"
Tails stupidly said "Or else what?"
Eggman replied "Or else I'll take it by force…the hard way!"
Sonic couldn't resist yelling "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!", causing him and Tails to roll around laughing again.
Eggman flew off the side of the plateau angrily, then flew back up top with some new additions on his Eggmobile. THE PLAYER cannot figure out how Eggman did that in a few seconds.
Sonic said "What have you added to the Eggmobile-I mean, Fatmobile?"
Eggman glared and decided to attack. The usual weird typing thing appeared on the screen, saying "Egg Hornet".
Sonic said "WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY NAME IS THAT?! Seriously, it sounds like all I need to do is use bug spray to win this!"
Eggman replied "It's meant to inspire fear!"
Sonic then replied "Your mom's meant to inspire fear!", causing Eggman to scream and start trying to blow up Sonic and Tails.
Eggman decided that the best weapon to use would be…some Chinese fireworks. He shot them like missiles at Sonic and Tails, causing them to run around panicking.
Suddenly, Tails got hit by one of the "missiles" and said "AHHH! I just died a few seconds ago-" and then he looked down and realized that he was still completely unharmed. "That didn't hurt at all! WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY MISSILES ARE THESE?!", he wondered.
Eggman said "What?! Those Chinese fireworks should totally be blowing you up!" Then Eggman looked at the label on the fireworks and saw that the tags on them actually said "Made in Korea". Eggman then yelled "DAMN IT! Anything made in Korea doesn't work!"
He therefore decided to charge at them from above. Sonic just jumped out of the way, and Eggman crashed into the ground. Eggman said "Hey…I'm drilling! Maybe I can find some gold or oil or something down here…", and he continued drilling, oblivious to Sonic and Tails being right next to him.
Sonic said "Hmmm…well, I don't think there's any plants hidden down there, so I doubt there's oil…"
But then Tails suddenly replied "OH NO! There are some plants…my secret stash is down there, man!"
Sonic sighed and said "Damn it, Tails! Fine…let's kick Eggman's ass!", and so Sonic and Tails started beating the crap out of Eggman.
Eggman, however, was still completely oblivious to the punches being thrown at him, and continued his search for buried treasure. Yes, it had now switched to that. "Those pirates had to put that treasure SOMEWHERE…", said Eggman as he continued to get more bloody from all of the punches he was getting.
Finally, Eggman said "Hey…why does my nose suddenly hurt?", before he realized that his nose was now nothing but a bloody pulp. "AUGH!", he yelled as he tried pulling out, but his Fatmobile was stuck. This wasn't because it was embedded in the ground, it was just that it was tired of trying to lift Eggman's weight anymore.
Eggman yelled "STUPID MACHINE!" and started whining like a little bitch. Sonic and Tails finally took pity on Eggman and decided to leave him crying in his pod.
Sonic said 'That wasn't so hard!"
Tails replied "That's what she said!"
Sonic then shook his head, saying "That wasn't that good, Tails…"
Tails argued "Oh yeah? It was better than yours!"
Sonic yelled "REALLY?! I'll let you know-"
Eggman suddenly yelled "SHUT UP! This is the most retarded conversation I've ever heard!"
Sonic muttered "You're the most retarded conversation I've ever heard…"
Even THE PLAYER is astounded by this.
Just then, Eggman decided to activate his Robo-Arm™ and steal the Chaos Emerald from Tails' hands, as Tails was stupidly holding it out right then.
Sonic yelled "WHAT THE (bleep)?! Why were you holding it out when Eggman clearly wanted it?"
Tails then said "What happened, man?"
Sonic slapped his forehead at Tails' idiocy, and turned to face Eggman, who had now MIRACULOUSLY gotten his pod to float again. Eggman held up the jewel triumphantly, then called out "In Russia, EMERALD STEAL YOU! Chaos…I have a snack for you!"
Chaos went up to the plateau, shocking both Sonic and Tails. Tails said "Whoa, man…I must be REALLY tripping today!"
Sonic glared at Tails again, then said "Wait…that thing has IMPORTANCE TO THE PLOT?! No way!"
Eggman then replied "I just made it important to the plot!", and Eggman threw the Chaos Emerald at Chaos.
If Chaos could speak, it might have said something along the lines of "Yum-yum! I need some more of this (bleep)!", as it transformed when swallowing the emerald.
Eggman then noticed that after Chaos transformed, it still looked EXACTLY THE SAME…except one of its arms had grown huge. Eggman said "COOL! You look like you have a bazooka for an arm now!"
Sonic then said "I think it's using the big arm to compensate for something else…", causing him and Tails to both laugh again.
Chaos wanted to kill them right then, but Eggman held it back. He could've had him and Chaos leave RIGHT THEN, but his Bond-villain instinct kicked in, and he decided to tell Sonic and Tails EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS ULTIMATE PLAN. And he wondered why his plans always failed…
Eggman told Sonic and Tails "Each time I feed Chaos a Chaos Emerald, it gets stronger! Kind of like a wrestler with steroids! With all 7 Chaos Emeralds in it, it will be completely invincible, and then I can use it to destroy Station Square and build my ultimate city upon it…Robotnikland!", and Eggman went into a fantasizing dream about it.
In this city, diet books now told people to eat MORE, and obesity was considered THE SEXIEST THING SINCE SEX. Whenever Eggman would walk into a room, the song "Sexy Back" would automatically play in the background, and ALL OF THE FAN GIRLS would flock to him. And his robots would continue serving him, and he would continue to rule forever and ever and ever…
But right then Sonic interrupted Eggman out of his dream by saying "Dude...you really need to get laid! BIG TIME!"
Eggman said "How dare you interrupt my daydream! I'm out of here! NINJA RIP-OFF TIME!!!", and threw a flash bulb down on the ground before disappearing with Chaos.
In the aftermath, Tails said "We can't let him get the Chaos Emeralds, can we?"
Sonic rolled his eyes and said "YES, Tails. We'll just let Eggman take over the world with no fight on our part!"
Tails said "Oh…okay, then!"
THE PLAYER is shocked that Tails, who is supposedly a "genius", can't recognize sarcasm.
Sonic then asked Tails "Well…what were you planning to show me?"
Tails then jumped up, saying "OH! MY NEW CRACK ROCK!", and Tails dragged Sonic up the steps to his workshop, where said rock was lying in front of. It was long and round, kind of like…
ALL YAOI FAN GIRLS immediately say "OMG! Tails got Sonic a sex toy! WE KNEW THEY WERE IN LOVE!", while THE PLAYER loses his/her lunch again.
Tails yelled "It's NOT a sex toy! It's the Wind Stone, which is supposed to be some kind of key…"
ALL YAOI FAN GIRLS reply "To Sonic's heart?!"
This caused Sonic to yell "NO! Stupid fan girls…"
After enough exploring, Sonic and Tails found a cave with a wind tunnel blowing up to the top, with a pedestal nearby. Tails said "Hmmm…That pedestal can't have anything to do with the rock we have…they just have the same symbol!"
Sonic grabbed the rock out of Tails' hands and put it in the pedestal, causing the wind tunnel to open up. They went into the tunnel, which took them to the Windy Valley a.k.a. THE DEATH OF PHYSICS.
When Sonic started going through the level, he noticed one thing immediately…Tails was stalking him. Sonic tried running fast, but then Tails started running fast, too. Finally, Sonic yelled "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Tails replied "Checking you out. You ARE Cream, right?"
Sonic then asked "Did you have some of your special brownies while we were at the workshop?"
Tails immediately said "No", wiping off the chocolate crumbs around his mouth as he said so.
Sonic rolled his eyes and then said "Damn it…if you keep stalking me, I'm going to have to beat you up!"
Tails backed off at this threat, but then decided to continue following "Cream".
Eventually, Sonic and Tails started crossing some bridges. Soon, Sonic got into the mood of singing "The London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling dow-AUGH!", as the bridge he and Tails were on actually DID collapse under them.
Luckily, that bridge was above a platform that Sonic and Tails landed on. But Sonic soon noticed where all of the debris from the bridge was flying to…a tornado. Sonic immediately yelled "AW (bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)! STUPID GAME DESIGNERS!"
What Sonic didn't realize was that as he was busy in his swearing rant, Tails had flown away because the twister was coming closer. Sonic didn't bother to look up until he was promptly sucked in.
But instead of getting killed by flying debris, as is how most tornadoes kill, Sonic somehow ended up in the middle of the twister. THE PLAYER says "This is SONIC, not The Wizard of Oz!"
But the game seemed to counterpoint that by suddenly having a certain laughing witch on a broomstick fly by Sonic as he was looking on the side of the tornado. She yelled "I'll get you, my pretty!", before randomly flying off.
Sonic finally decided "Hmmm…maybe I should get out of this twister!", before he took off and started jumping from platform to platform in the tornado. Finally, when Sonic got high enough, he went soaring over the tornado's top and out of there.
THE PLAYER says "Hold on there! Wouldn't the top winds supplying the tornado just send him right back in? Apparently this game doesn't correlate well with meteorology either…"
When Sonic landed back in the Windy Valley being SOMEHOW PERFECTLY FINE, he met up with Tails, who said "Hey, man…apparently we have to race for some reason or another!"
Sonic asked "What? Why?"
Tails said "I don't know, man! I think you're supposed to initiate the race because you have an ego that rivals the size of the universe. Then, I'm supposed to demolish that ego by winning EVERY SINGLE RACE we have from here on out!"
Sonic replied "I'll say when my ego is too big! I won't let some Japanese company determine it for me!"
Tails sighed and said "…That's what I mean."
Sonic replied "You wanna bring it? Fine, let's do this (bleep)! First to the emerald wins!", and Sonic took off at that.
Tails realized what was going on, and said "Whoa, man…HOW am I supposed to outrun the world's fastest hedgehog?" Tails then noticed a nearby giant spinning green ring floating in mid-air, and said 'By cheating, of course! Remember, kids…cheating to win a COMPLETELY POINTLESS race is perfectly fine!"
Tails flew through the ring, and it sped him up to a speed faster than Sonic on cocaine. By flying through every one of these rings he saw, Tails was flying WAY past Sonic and soon was done while Sonic still had half of the level to go.
Soon, Sonic reached the part of Windy Valley that perhaps played the biggest part in killing physics here…where he jumped off of a ledge and FLOATED ON A PATH OF PETALS.
THE PLAYER says "When did SEGA start wanting to rip off Japanese action films?"
Sonic was blown over to another ledge, and continued on his physics-destroying rampage. ONE HOUR LATER, Sonic finally reached the end of the level, where Tails had been waiting this whole time.
Sonic asked "Where's the Chaos Emerald?"
Tails responded "Oh…that was a CHAOS EMERALD?! That explains why I couldn't smoke it…"
Sonic then asked "Ok…WHERE IS IT?"
Tails said "Oh! I finally swallowed it, man! Dude…this crack rock has been getting me to see some FREAKY colors…", and Tails collapsed upon saying that.
THE PLAYER says "Chaos has already been swallowing Chaos Emeralds! Don't make it any weirder!"
ALL YAOI FAN GIRLS yell once again "Give him CPR, Sonic! You know you want to…"
Sonic was horrified at both the comments of Tails and the yaoi fan girls. Sonic yelled "WHY THE (bleep) WOULD YOU SWALLOW IT? Honestly, do you give a (bleep) about the fate of the world?"
Tails said "Ummm…I'll have to think about it for a second here…"
Sonic did a facepalm, and decided to give Tails the Heimlich Maneuver in order to force the Chaos Emerald out of him. ALL YAOI FAN GIRLS are cheering, as it looks like Sonic is trying to hump Tails.
Sonic yelled, "SHUT THE (bleep) UP!" at this. He was getting very pissed, as today had been a pretty bad day for him. "First I had to save this idiot's ass because he can't fly for (bleep), then I had to fight that annoying fatty, and NOW I'm giving the Heimlich Maneuver to retrieve a jewel that I need to save the world! ARGH!"
As Sonic was giving said idiot the Heimlich Maneuver, Tails looked at the ground and suddenly pointed, saying "OH! There's the Chaos Emerald! I knew I was swallowing an ACTUAL crack rock!"
Sonic noticed the Chaos Emerald lying right there on the ground, and did a facepalm yet again. And the day was still FAR from over for him…
I couldn't stop laughing while I was typing the Sonic/Tails/Eggman dialogue at the beginning of this chapter! I love all of the stupidity that the Sonic characters exhibit in this fic!
Oh, and I'm sorry if I angered any Tails/Cosmo or Tails/Marine fans with making Tails attracted to Cream…it's just that neither Cosmo or Marine were around at this point in the series, so I'm stuck with teasing Tails/Cream!
You know what to do…review and mention your favorite parts and quotes of this chapter!
