Dinner at the Berry's is a surreal experience. Mostly because it seems as though they enjoy one another. Steve and John always indulge Rachel with her stories, even if they are the most mind numbing dissertations imaginable. She's going on about her singing key club again. I've spelled out 'Kill Me' with my peas. I don't think any of them have noticed.
"How is school going Effy? You like it?" John asks. I can hear Rachel huff, probably because her story is being interrupted.
"Fine. Making all kinds of friends." I say with a smile but Rachel gives me a look. I raise my eyebrow at her and she does the same. Steven and John just look at each other in confusion.
"I'm up for another solo this week." Rachel said.
"That's great honey!" Steven says like she hasn't been up for a solo every week since I've been here. She just cares about everything so much and I can't understand it. Doesn't she get disappointed? As far as I can tell she doesn't have many mates and her social life revolves around her chorus. She's always up at dawn on her damn exercise machine and it wakes me. Every morning. So, I keep her up at night, putting porn audio on too loudly while she's trying to do homework. Porn amuses me. It's so staged, so ridiculous and no one on those tapes is anyone you'd actually want to fuck.
"Do you girls have any plans for this weekend?" John asks and I can tell that he really hopes Rachel has an answer other than homework.
"I should catch up on some homework." Oh she is so predictable. John and Steve give her a small smile but it's mostly because they worry about her. Not in the way people worried about me, like I might try and off myself, but they're concerned and it's sweet.
"Actually Rach and I were going to go out this weekend." I said. The dads look like they are going to bust their collective bollocks. Rachel just gives me a curious look. "There's a birthday party for one of our friends. It's just a few people, maybe a pizza or two. Very civil." I smile sweetly. We definitely will get to borrow the car.
I'm in my room when Rachel barges in. I'm a bit high, and she sprays the room with an aerosol can.
"Are you still smoking marijuana in here?"
"Give the girl a prize."
"I'm getting tired of your use of narcotics. I can't keep covering for your indiscretions."
"Oh your dads know Rachel. They're fairly liberal." I have a suspicion anyway that they know and they've never told me to stop.
"I think I know my father's well enough to know that they would not encourage underage drug use, Elizabeth. Can you just cut it out while at home? Can't you do it under the bleachers with the other ruffians at school?"
"Fine, if you stop calling me Elizabeth." Rachel fans her arms about like a nitwit, as though that's going to make the smell go away. "Do you want some?" I asked. She looks at me in horror.
"No! I do not."
"Pity. You always deprive yourself of fun."
"Drugs aren't fun, Effy. They are an irresponsible pastime that ruins lives, not to mention fuels economic funding for war lords and mobsters in third world countries. Drug mules alone have a –"
"Rachel. Stop. I won't smoke here anymore. I got it." I wish she had a shed in the back. Fucking Freds, I still think about him. She sits down next to me on my bed.
"What's the matter? I know you enjoy your herbal remedy, but you look sad all of a sudden."
"It's nothing." She rolls her eyes because we've done this dance so many times before. She rambles and I shut off.
"Well whatever it was, I hope you talk to Ms. Pilsbury or someone about it. I know I'm not your favorite person, but it's been nice having a house guest. Someone to direct my space videos." My directing her videos consists of me reading The Bell Jar while she asks 'How was That' and I say 'Fabulous'.
"I was thinking of someone. He's gone now. Dead."
"I'm sorry."
"Alright." Finally it's nice and quiet in here.
"Would you like a glass of water?" I don't get her at all.
"No thanks."
"I only ask because when I was younger and had a nightmare my dads would bring me a glass of water. So sometimes when I'm sad I'm thirsty too."
"That's adorably fucked up." I give her a grin.
"You swear too much. It's uncouth."
"Fucking hell, you are right. I will have to work on that." She swats my arm and she really isn't so bad.
"By the way, what party is happening this weekend? Are you up to something? Did you just make something up and are involving me in some drug deal scheme?"
"There's a party. Kurt says all the assholes of the universe will be there. I figure we drink their liquor and smoke their spliff. Or, I will anyway. You can be designated driver, maybe mingle with your girlfriend."
"Girlfriend?"
"The Barbie doll."
"Quinn and I aren't anything. She's awful to me, actually. It's only gotten better recently but she's so moody and bitter. Who could be attracted to someone like that?"
"But you are." Rachel's face falls.
"Have you ever liked someone you knew you shouldn't?" Which time?
"There is this one girl."
"You're bisexual also?"
"All I know is that I'm fucked up. I don't really care about all the labels you yanks are so pre-occupied with." Rachel smirks at my assessment.
"True, I do think our puritanical society is rooted in fear of societal aberrations- however I was merely pointing out that you and I have something in common, which is rare to say the least. I wondered if you would like to expound upon this revealing plot point even though you are never as talkative as I would like you to be. " She talks so much. Doesn't she find it exhausting? I would be kidding if I said I haven't been thinking about "this one girl", but whenever I do I feel like I'm fucking around on Freddy.
He's dead and has been for almost a year, but I swear sometimes I can still taste him. Sometimes I feel like I should have burned his old t-shirts instead of keeping them and smelling them. "The one girl" doesn't confuse me. I don't worry that she's a girl. I've got a vagina, why would another one scare me? The first time she and I fucked, it wasn't soft like she was used to, it was angry, tragic, like we were fucking to feel something again. The second time we fucked we didn't cry into each other as much. The third time I called her name instead of Freddy's. A few times after that, she called my name instead of Naomi's.
"It's complicated." I tell Rachel and she just looks at me with those puppy dog eyes.
"Well I don't think it's fair that I confide in you, that you should know my secrets and I know none of yours." She's such a petulant child sometimes. It would be endearing if she didn't know she was going to win you over.
"My boyfriend died and I fucked a girl to get over it. Only I didn't get over it, she had a girlfriend and I was ruining her life. So here I am in bumfuck sharing a house with a pedophile's wet dream. You?" I light a fag and I'm surprised that Rachel doesn't tell me to stop or bring out the freshener again. She takes my hand. I don't recoil.
"I already know you're tough, Effy. You don't have to try and fool me."
"Fool you with what?"
"That you have feelings. I can tell, especially when you put those bullies at school in their place. You always humor Kurt in his costume choices, even when you look like you could care less. It was also nice of you to kiss Artie in front of Tina to make her jealous. You're a good person Eff, even though you don't think you are." I take a long drag and walk to the window. I crack it open and help fan the smoke out. Rachel smiles.
"Are we going to sing 'We Are Family' now? Because I might purge. " I said.
"Oh I know you don't like singing, or anything associated with joy. No, we'll just talk about me. Okay?" I raise and eyebrow and Rachel goes on for about two hours about Quinn Fabray.
