oh well, another chapter here.. well, merry xmas everyone.. though it's kinda late.. and advance happy new year!!!

well.. R&R as oweiz.. thanks... XD


(Sei)

I woke up, and realized that I'm stuck here in a bed—but not my bed, and I'm not in my house either—I'm trying to remember had happen yesterday. As far as I could remember I went to Youko's house, had a confrontation and it ended up, I being the reason why she had left. I study the surrounding, and my gaze fell in the most beautiful thing in the room—Youko. I just studied her for a while, she is in deep slumber, and how beautiful she is while sleeping, she even hardly moves. Then, I decided that I let her sleep for a while.

The scenes from last night's event flashed on my mind, her brokenness, her tears and her pain. I was the one who caused that pain in her, and i don't know how I could ease that pain—my reverie was cut by a knock on her door, and it revealed her friend Jin. I put my finger on my lips and gaze at the sleeping Youko. He smiled at me understanding what I've signalled.

"can I talk to you?" he said

"sure.. but let's go out in here. She needs rest." I said. He nod and leave the room. Before I followed him, I gently caress Youko's face.

I found Jin on the kitchen, preparing for the breakfast.

"Hey! Good morning!" I said

"Good morning..."

"What is it that you want to talk about?"

"Oh, that! I just want to ask you if you could remember anything from last night's event." I nod. "Can you do me a favour? Can you please act as if nothing happen?"

"Why?"

"Because... Youko... she's afraid that you might treat her different, you know she has her reasons..."

"I see, okay." Then, I walked out of the kitchen.

I understand what he is trying to say—I perfectly understand. And i don't want to change anything either. I don't want to see her cry again. I love her, that's why. And if it ever that thing happen again—and if it's because of me, I would definitely kill myself.

"good morning!" a calm voice greeted and it made me snapped out of my reverie.

"good morning! How are you? Did you sleep well?"

"yes... ah.." it looks like she was lost of words. She was surprise to see me here at the same time anxious. "uhmmn... how 'bout you?" she asked

"uhmm... yeah! By the way , thank you for letting me use your bed..." she just nod. "i also want to asked, uhm.. what is your answer to my question, if why didn't you tell me that you're here already." I asked, but she didn't answer.

"breakfast is ready" Jin said, cutting our conversation.

We ate our breakfast silently, avoiding each other's eyes. I don't know what to do, it's all my fault, see her in despair, see her broken pieces. She is in torment, and I am in turmoil, wow. What will I do?

After eating, I've decided to act normal, as if nothing had happen. well, if only I could turn back the time... if only I realize everything beforehand that I love her—not because I NEED HER or anything, that I love her because she's my everything. But looking at her now... she is still a precious gem as she is only the problem is that she's broken in to pieces. I looked for her, wanting to talk to her. I want to say that she is my life now, and I almost died when she left... but too bad, I only realized that when she's gone. is she really gone? am I really too late? I hope I'm not.

I search for her in every part of her apartment but I couldn't find her. I went outside—at the apartment's backyard—just to find her sitting, staring blankly on the horizon, sighing almost every minute. She's in deep thoughts. It looks like she's somewhere in her wonderland—oblivious in what's happening outside.

"hey!"

"h...hey.." she seemed startled.

"sorry, to disturb you"

"it's okay"

Silence

Will I say it or not? I don't know... but I'm afraid that she might turn her back again. I don't want to take the risk... I'm afraid. I'm not used in this kind of awkwardness between us. I miss the old days. So I sit with her now, but something is missing—the closeness we have.

"ahh... Sei?" she said breaking our silence.

"yes?"

"why is it you're drunk last night?"

"meddling again?" I quip while grinning like an idiot in front of her... And she smile.

"maybe.."

"what if I told you that you're the reason?"

"are you kidding me?" she said with wide eyes.

"yeah..."

She gives me her bashful grin, while shaking her head. She then closed her eyes and tilts her head upwards.

"uhmm.. Youko?"

"hmmnn?"

"why didn't you tell me that you're here?" I asked.

Again she smiled, before she answered.

"that is supposed to be a surprise."

"what surprise?" i asked her curiously. And she opened her eyes, she look at me. I saw the depth of her eyes. It's implying something yet she's so calm as if time turns its back, that I even see myself with her sitting on the windowsill of Lillian with her beside me. How I love to feel this comfort, with no awkwardness, with no hesitations. Then, she smiled at me, with her genuine smile.

"uhmm... your coming to Sachiko's party aren't you?" I nod. "there! I want to surprise you, you know... I know you would be there."

"but..." I thought of asking her if why she would do that. I mean, she left because of me... so why surprised me... but I hesitate, I don't want to make it hard for her.

"what is it sei?" then, I shook my head. "no! You're about to say something, right?"

"that's nothing." I said whilst grinning at her. "uhmm.. I think I should go now..."

She just nods. And just I'm about to go, she held my hand. I have to look back.

"you will come aren't you?" She said in a soft voice.

"yah"

"see you then." She smiled.

"ja!"

"ja!"

And then, she let go of my hand. And i went straight back home—i guess, drinking doesn't suit for this day.

(Youko)

I stayed in my place after Sei had left. I smiled—not because she leave, but because if feels like a thorn had been remove in my core.

"hey! Hey! Hey! Is that a smile I see on Mizuno's face?"

"maybe..." I answered Jin in a flat tone.

"hey, don't tell me you're still mad at me? I didn't do anything..."

"yes.. you didn't do anything, you just sit there last night and didn't do a dramatic stunt on sei and I." I said sarcastically

"hey, hey, hey.. Miss Mizuno.. who was the one who told me that I'm a dumb-ass gay?" he retorts. "well? What's up?"

"what what's up?" I asked curiously.

"you know, what will you do next? She already knows that she's the reason and everything..."

"uhmm.." I think for a while before I answered "well, nothing..."

"why nothing?" he asked sarcastically.

"you know, I still have some sort of unfinished business. And after all, Sei and I already have separate lives. So, there's really nothing to do."

"is that what your heart says? I mean, you still love her, do you?"

I was awestruck by his words, I mean, for some reasons my mind was so dumbfounded. Do i still love her? Hmmn.. I don't know. And then I let go a sigh. This is what I'm afraid of—doing back here, seeing her again. I'm afraid that, what if my heart is still residing in here? That, I left my heart here... I wonder... but...

"Youko!"

"NO!" I shouted, "I mean, I do not know! You perfectly know that even if, uhmmn... 'if ever' that I'm still in love with her, I still can't continue it, I can't pursue it—merely because, because of my unfinished business in Europe."

"I know, but then again, the question is, 'is it what your heart desires?' ... think of it Youko, don't make the same mistake again. Letting her pass through you, letting her go, don't you think it's quite stupid to just let your happiness go and you're there left alone, suffering."

I let a deep sigh again, I don't know what to say, and even I do not know what my heart really desires. And Sei as my happiness? I do not know. I remember the aphorism 'your happiness is where your heart is.' But... where is my heart? Is it with Sei? Or is it with my 'unfinished businesses?

Then, a knock on the door cut my reverie. Jin was about to go but I immediately stopped him. I was thinking that it might be Eriko, that she already knew what happened last night and decided to go here and talk to me. Or it can be Sachiko, she called me last night—confirming my attendance to her party—and I told her the details of the happenings last night. And she said that she would try to drop by and converse with me.

While walking towards the door, I saw a familiar mobile phone on my coffee table. Obviously it's not mine, and not Jin's as well, and I came to the conclusion that it's Sei's. Sei, I thought. And it lead me to the conclusion that the person behind my door is Sei, that maybe she remembers that she forgot her phone and decided to fetch it now. Uhmm.. just thinking about the fact, my heart suddenly beats fast, so fast that it might even runaway from where it is placed.

And then I opened the door, it revealed a lady—more of a girl—grinning at me. Not to mention, she has white teeth.

"s...su?"

"of course, my love! Who else would be? Aren't you glad that I'm here?" I just thought you're Sei... what am I thinking?

"uhmm.... o... of course" I nervously said.

"but, it seems that you're not!" and then she pout, she's so cute when she pouts, she looks like as if she a brat who didn't get what she want.

"hey, don't be mad... of course I'm happy! It's just that I didn't think it was you. You surprised me," i told her... whilst taking her hand.

"good! Because this is really a surprise! I missed you so much!" she exclaimed. And her action caught me off guard, when she put her hand on the back of my neck and pulls me for a passionate kiss. And suddenly, I found myself returning that kiss, same intensity as she has. After few seconds, we then break the kiss.

"i love you..."

"i.. love you too..." then i smiled.

She was about to lean and kiss me again, only that a voice from my back interrupt it.

"go and get a room!" jin said in a low tone.

"you ruined our moment! You gay!" Su said irritated. And i sigh. They've never change, still getting on each other's nerve. I need to do something.

"o'cmon you two.. Let's go inside, I bet Su is tired and she needs to rest." I said, grabbing su's hand. Jin's was also nice to let us in.

"Tired? Or so you could continue what you've started?" he asked, and then laugh evilly. So green... i thought. Then all of a sudden, he paused, i wonder why, but instead of paying him attention, i just sit on the couch with Su. I have to focus on her. Only on her.

"Sei!" he exclaimed, i was surprised, but again, i have to maintain my calmness, simply because Su might see my reaction. What is she doing here? More importantly, how long she had been standing there? Did she saw what happened earlier? But if she did... why do I care?

Then, she entered the house, and it makes me look at her.

"i... I forgot my cellphone, that's why i had to go back" she said in a flat tone. She seems upset. She stares at me, afterwards at Su—who is now leaning in my shoulder—then, she smiled—not her usual flirting smile, but somehow different, and i don't understand, why can't I decipher.

"uhhh.. it's here!" then i give it to her. "uhmm.. sei?" i called before she turn her back.

"why?"

"this is Su... my—"

"her girlfriend" su answered, cutting me whilst offering her hand

"Sei" she answered, and then accepts Su's hands and shake. "ah, Youko, before i forget, Eriko was inviting us for dinner later." She adds.

"ok, i.. I'll go"

"you can bring them if you want, i'll just call you, if where and what time it will be." She grins—what's with this sudden change of aura? Does this Cheshire cat of mine has done its disappearing act again?–mine? What am i thinking?—and then, she walked away.

(JIN) [hohoho... it's not a mistake.. he do have a point of view..]

A tension filled courtroom, that's what i felt when the three of them got together.

I could see Youko's nervousness through her eyes. She's too good in hiding such emotions but... it flickers on her eyes the moment Sei and Su shake their hands. This is a thing that she doesn't want to happen. she can't even stare at the eyes of the two when they look at her. It looks like she's trap on her own illusion and do not know whom to run for dispel.

I also felt the tension between the two—Su and Sei. They're both staring at each other as if they are fighting for something—or someone perhaps.

When I saw Sei outside, I saw her pained look—referring to what I saw, maybe she saw the kiss Youko and Su had shared earlier. And looking at her that very moment, I could see that she really love Youko. And the way she smiled when she eyed the couple, she looks like as if she was defeated in a battle—a battle for love. I could feel that she's trying to fight the urge of breaking down. Like what Youko had said to me, this person is a real Cheshire cat. She could easily divert her emotions from one to another. I wonder if Youko had noticed it—maybe she did, she's an observant and she her favorite subject to observe...well, she said, it's Sei and then Su... but now... I do not know. It's all in her hands.

Then, I divert my attention to Su, I wonder if she noticed the anxious eyes of Youko. And I wonder if she also noticed that Youko wasn't calling her 'my love'—as what they used to call each other back in Europe. Seeing Su before the incident, I could feel that this girl really missed her Youko. And I could also see that she really love Youko, but I wonder if Youko still feel the same... and if she do love her, is it same intensity as what Su have for her?

Poor Youko, she's in a deep abyss right now. I wonder if she has any idea in Sei's feelings for her. I wonder why she knows Sei but seem so oblivious about Sei's feelings for her. She keeps on blocking her feelings and not keeping her guards down when it comes to Sei—for Sei not to run away from her. And that's why; she seems so dense about it.

Last night, when Sei slept in her room, I saw how Sei held Youko's arm tightly while sleeping. Youko seems so unaware that Sei had become so attach to her, so dependent to her. That night—while sleeping—Sei never lets go of Youko's arms. And that alone made it more difficult for Youko to move on, because she herself can't let go of Sei.

I know, her feelings for Sei is still there, but she's trying to ignore it due to the fact that she has 'unfinished business', and she do not know if she will be able to finish it. Poor Youko, still trapped in the past, but at the same time, trapped here in the present.

At this moment, everything became odd. The silence is deafening. Sei was out, Youko fell silent, Su, kinda dumbfounded. And I, well, obviously observing them.

It is only morning, yet so many things already had happened. And I bet, this is a long day for all of us.

(Sei)

I went outside from their house. I do not know what kind of stupidity fell on me for just walking out, not saying anything.

It feels like a trigger was pulled, and arrows were already been released and it all set off on one direction—my heart. It hurts so bad that my tears began to trail off on my cheeks.

I drive, not knowing where to go. It's up to this car, if where it would lead me. Then I stopped. I asked myself, if why of all places… I landed here? Yamanobe Residence. I knocked on the door, and it opened immediately. Good thing it's Eriko who opened it.

"Sei?" she asks, whilst letting me in. "hey, suit yourself." She said leading me to their guess room.

"what is it Sei?" she asks worriedly. Instead of answering, I just sat on her floor, staring at my hands.

"Sei, wait for a minute, I'll just get some tea, and we'll talk about it…"

I nod, I knew that's the least thing I could do.

After a moment, Eriko returned holding tray with tea and some cookies.

"Sei…" she said breaking the silence. "what is it?"

"am…am I too late?" I said, I could feel that my voice is trembling… then she looked at me questioningly.

"what do you mean Sei?" she asks, it's not that I do not want to tell her, it's just that I'm not too comfortable with her—remembering the fact that we could easily get on each other's nerve way back at Lillian. But now, if I will not say anything I might explode and it will be more difficult for me to handle—and one thing, she's not Youko.

"ah…" how can I say it to her? That I saw Youko kissing someone, just like that? Then she would be asking me, why the hell I'm acting stupid? I just so her, and so what? But hell, it matters to me.

"Sei, why the hell are you crying?!" she asks—I didn't notice that I am crying, maybe I become so numb with the pain, that I didn't feel the tears rolling from my eyes—whilst Eriko wipes my tears away before I could do so. "Sei, this is the first time that I've seen you cry, after Youko had left, and somehow, this is weird, because you're not the kind of person who would go here if you have a problem." She's right, I'm not the kind who would show pain to anyone—only to onee-sama and to Youko—but, I really can't stand the pain I'm feeling right now. It feels like someone is ripping my heart and it really hurts so bad.

When Shiori left me, my heart shattered into pieces, but Youko pick those pieces and patiently putting it together. But now, this heart that she put together is slowly shattering, and it really hurts, because, the person who mends it, is the very reason why this heart is shattering. I could feel I'm bleeding inside, and it slowly killing me.

"Sei.."

"eriko.. I.. I saw her… kissing somebody passionately, and it hurts… here" I said pointing my heart. "it stabbing me like hell…"

"is it Youko?" I nod, "so, what will you do now? Do you want me to postpone the dinner?" she asks.

"no…" I said "but, I want to drink, and maybe, this would be the last time that I'll drink because of her." I added. It's not that I'm mad at her or anything. But, I have nothing to do now. I've said that this day is not worth for drinking, but I guess I was wrong.

I have cried and drink at lot of times because of her—out of Eriko's sight of course—and I guess… it's time for me to stop. Well, if I'm going to admit to Youko my feelings for her… well, I do not know or maybe I won't. I don't want to bother her. She love someone already, and I've let my chance passed, and I'm just stupid enough to just let it pass and not stopping it. Well now… I guess I have to face whatever consequence it gi—

My reverie was cut when I felt arms enclosing me for an embrace, and I let myself sink on Eriko's embrace. This is the most comfortable thing I felt—since three years—and I know that I badly need this.

Eriko didn't say anything. She just comforts me with her embrace, and I'm glad that I have her as my friend.

And I fell asleep with this comfort.

(Youko)

I was busy doing something in the living room when all of a sudden, the telephone rings—Su cannot pick it up because she's on my room while Jin is in a nearby café—I immediately pick it up, without even bothering to look at the caller I.D.

"Hello?"

"Youko! This is Eriko."

"oh, Eriko! How are you? What makes you call?" I asked, "uh, about the thing this evening…"

"oh yeah! Sei said, if by any chance, would you like to drink? I mean, she said she wants to drink, but again, it's up to you. Ahm… don't get me wrong, we'll drink after the dinner, that's how the plan goes." She said "well, again, if it's ok with you,"

"well, it's ok, so…where's our first stop?" I ask

"at the resto near at Lillian, you know that, right? Do you want us to pick you up? I mean, I am going with Sei, you know, my husband is not around—he had a trip that will last for a week—and I don't know how to drive, so, Sei would just fetch me here."

I think for a moment before answering, well, as much as possible I want to talk to Sei, about the things going on with us, why this friendship is slowly fading. I want to rebuild everything; it's just that I do not know how…

"Youko, hey!"

And my reverie was cut.

"ah… yes! I mean, don't trouble yourselves, I know where that place is, I'll just take a cab"

"ok… uh… you could bring Jin, and Su." How the hell she knew about Su being in her? … Sei…

"I would ask them." I said.

"ok, bye, see yah later."

"see yah"

Then, I placed the phone on where it should be. Instead of going back to the living room, I found myself walking towards the backyard. I sit on one of the bench and all of a sudden memories flashed on my mind—it is like watching a photo slide show of the three of us. The friendship we had and the memories we've shared—both in Lillian and in this apartment. It was overwhelming, but…as the litany of memories flow, my nightmare begins, I saw a picture of Sei—fading—and as if time turns its back to the moment happened three years ago, wherein I tried to put a period on our friendship, and it's all because of my selfishness that, I left her because of my own welfare. I left because I want her to realize what she have to lose and so that I could free myself from being entangled, but it seems like I haven't remove myself from being entwined to her. I don't blame her if she hated me for what I did. I—

Then, I felt a hand on my shoulders, whilst cut my reverie. Then I look up. I saw Jin standing in front of me with a wry smile.

"why are you crying?"

"I'm not!" I say, at the same time, averting my eyes into his gaze.

"silly, you're crying… you should look on the mirror so that you could see your swollen eyes. And here…" he gave me a handkerchief. I looked at him questioningly.

"for you to wipe your tears" he said. –am I that numb? I didn't even feel that my tears are rolling down into my cheeks and it need to cut my reverie just to figure that out.

"Youko?"

"why?"

"why are you crying?" I was thinking not to tell him but, he's like Eriko—once fixated on something he will never let it go. So, I eventually tell him why.

"do you regret?" he asked

"I don't know, but I am thinking, what if I didn't made that stupid decision, would I be like this?" I said "I mean I step out my box, as a collected and firm woman—as they put. Though, I could speak my own in the past, still, this decision alone made me free from my cage."

"but you left something in your cage, right? That no matter how hard you try to step out of that cage, you just can't. You fully spread that wings of yours in your cage, that's why when you're about to leave, it's just so hard for you. Am I right?"

I nod. "and it keeps me from going back" I say.

"one of them is Sei? You're afraid to let go of her, because you know, at the end of the day, you would still worry for her."

I nod, and I just gave him a smile—a wry smile. Am I that transparent?