Disclaimer: Don't own anyone who appears in this chapter…except me, of course.
A/N: Much gratitude to those who distracted the Knights and left food and weaponry. Also a pre-emptive apology to my British friends for, well, what I am guessing is going to be a muddled, probably inaccurate, possibly insulting informational session on the British Empire.
Silence. Silence is golden, they say. "They" do not live in my house. Silence here means a trap has been set – a token retreat has been called and you better be on your toes.
I have no choice. I cannot live in the bathroom anymore. The chocolate bar, though delicious, was gone hours ago and the strawberry cough drops just aren't filling. Note to self: remodel bathroom and install a small refrigerator.
Cautiously I open the door. I figure this is the most dangerous point; too easy for someone to be waiting to take my head off. Luck is with me and the bedroom is empty, as is the hallway leading to the stairs. Oh look, some good soul left me a shield…I pick that up as I make my way past, trying to see around every corner. Making my way down the stairs, I keep getting an eerie feeling that I'm being watched. Stalked would be more accurate. Damn…I should've asked for two shields, though I don't quite know how I would have made that work…
I take one last look up the stairs, turn the corner to my office and run right into her. Guinevere. In full bondage, I mean battle, attire. Once I get over that shock, I realize that Merlin is standing in the entry to my office and, joining the Knights crowding my office are various and assorted Woads. Great. Just great. What did Uther go and do now? And why does that man seem to hate me so? What did I ever do to him? Well, besides tell him he has an imbecile for a son and ask if Arthur was dropped repeatedly on his head as a child…
"What can I do for you this lovely day, Guinevere?" Dealing with her can be almost as bad as dealing with Arthur. If she did anything besides pout, I might be inclined to cut her some slack. Alas, today will not be that day as she plasters on her best pout-y look and motions toward my office.
"You need to come in here and explain something."
Oh great. Another round of explanations – I am beginning to feel like I should have pursued a degree in education and wonder vaguely if today would count toward any education credits whatsoever.
Sighing, I proceed to my office, Merlin signaling the Woads to let me pass. Seriously, do these guys do anything but scowl? I am so tempted to try wiping the blue off one of them, but I resist; probably not the most opportune moment for that experiment. I take a seat in my desk chair, spinning around to face the crowd. Again, I take note that my so-called support system has taken seats in the back row and look highly amused. Smiling tightly, I cast them a malevolent look hoping it conveys just how much trouble they are in once this is over.
"So…what can I explain this time? The theory of relativity? Evolution? How the Earth is not the center of the Universe? The importance of personal hygiene?"
I smile brightly but no one takes the bait. Instead Merlin shakes his head and I watch bits of…something…land on the carpet. As if the Knights aren't bad enough, now that Merlin and his gang have been here, I will definitely be calling someone to steam clean the carpeting. I mean, at least Arthur didn't bring the entire Roman Army traipsing through my house…
"The British Empire. Explain it. Now." I am shocked. I have never heard Merlin speak anything but whatever language it is the Woads speak. Now he's come out and demanded an explanation…of the British Empire, no less.
I heave a sigh and shake my head. Why me? Why? Really. I think back on my childhood, reviewing every stage and wondering what evil, evil deed I visited on someone that could have been so horrendous to warrant this payback. I come up blank, much like I do when I ponder where exactly to begin explaining the British Empire.
Arthur, attempting to be helpful, reaches over my shoulder but before he can grab the encyclopedic dictionary, I grab his arm. Hard. "Don't do that," I mutter in a low, dangerous tone. "Really don't do that."
I am no longer amused with Uther Pendragon, who I now notice is standing behind Merlin looking very pleased. I smile evilly in his direction, an idea coalescing in this little brain of mine.
"Well, well…the British Empire. Quite an enthusiastic undertaking by, well, the British. And who are the British, you ask? Why, all of you, of course. Well, actually, that isn't quite correct…you are the basis of the British stock, but, well, some…" I realize I am treading dangerous territory as the Woads shift and I notice they are armed. Well armed, I might add. I am going to have a serious discussion with Leonidas about availability and timing. Or, more likely with Dilios since he seems to be a bit more receptive to those sort of things.
Shaking my head, I try to focus on explaining something that, quite frankly, I am not sure I am even qualified to attempt. But, in the best American tradition, I'll give it a go and if I screw it up…hopefully it will at least be enough to get these people out of my house.
"Well…?" This from Guinevere, the voice of annoyance. Well, besides Lancelot. And Arthur. Is it really any wonder the three of them are so attracted to each other…?
I take a deep breath and decide to plough forward.
"Ok. Well. As I was saying, ultimately, you," I motion to encompass everyone present in the room, "form the basis of the British people...who, in turn, create the British Empire." Sounds reasonable to me and it seems to be captivating them – even my back row dwellers are quiet. "So it kinda goes that you beat back the Saxons, but they're only the first of your troubles…more people come, trying to take over…"
"An' we kick their arses back to wherefer they came from, right?" Bors chimes in, drawing cheers from the Knights and what I am guessing is agreement from the Woads in their language.
"Umm…no. Eventually people invade that take over the island. But," I hastily add when I see the tension growing, "but their takeover just makes the whole British idea thing stronger, you know. Things progress, your descendants learn to make better warfare and pretty soon they're taking over the world. I mean, there was a saying at one time that went something to the effect of 'the sun never sets on British soil' or something like that, meaning that the Empire was so widespread, the sun was always shining on some portion of it."
I pause to let this bit of information sink in, as well as plan my next information volley.
"Ok…so everyone's cool with this, right? You no longer control the British islands," I notice looks of confusion, "oh…did I forget to mention, you take over the entire island of Britain and move over to Ireland as well because it was there and close and it seemed like the thing to do. Well, again, not you specifically, but your descendants." This brings more nods and some excitement.
This is going so much better than I anticipated; and, apparently, than Uther anticipated because he is now looking rather frustrated. I smile sweetly in his direction. Oh, old man, if you only knew what I have in store for you ultimately…I stop myself from cackling but just barely.
"So. Now we've covered that the native Britons are conquered by invaders but that doesn't end things, it really only makes them better in the long run. Your descendants establish an Empire that, quite frankly, makes the Roman Empire look tiny in comparison." I smile extra big at Uther and Arthur as I note that fact and make certain to illustrate the word 'tiny' by making a small pinching gesture with my hand. "There are kings and queens and you guys just go around the globe kicking ass, subjugating people and hoisting your flag in their backyards." I snicker slightly and think 'but do you have a flag?' – I am so not explaining that one to this group though so I move on quickly.
"All right. The world is populated by, for all intents and purposes, royal ass kissers," I nod to Bors who smiles widely. "But…what happens when you have a large population of royal ass kissers, who really don't want to be…?" I look around. "Dag? Having been volunteered as a reluctant royal ass kisser, what do you think?"
Dagonet glares at me and gives Bors a similarly nasty look when the latter starts to protest. "They don't like it."
"Precisely. And, as most of the occupants of this room can answer, what happens when people are forced into that role…?" I look around as the realization dawns on those surrounding me. "Anyone? Anyone??"
"They start to fight back."
"That they do, Galahad. That they do. And that is what happens. Wars ensue and, well, having territories so far away makes them rather hard to defend properly…"
"Kind of like your country?"
I give Uther the dirtiest look I can muster. I should have known the old dragon wouldn't fail to mention that.
"Yes, Uther," I grate out between clenched teeth, "rather like America. We were a British colony, got tired of it and rebelled. Hence, we are no longer a British colony."
Bedwyr waves dismissively at Uther. "Forget all that. Tell us about the British Empire now." His voice is eager and I am about to feel really terrible.
"Ah. Well, again, as with all Empires, things start to unravel. Not really militarily, though that contributes. It's more of an economic thing." More confused looks so I dig out my wallet and produce some coins. "These shiny things become increasingly valuable, to the point where they rule some people's lives. They make the world go round, so to speak. If you have lots of them, the world is a happy, shiny, fun place. If you don't have lots of them, depending on how little of them you have, the world can be a bleak, gray, dismal place." This brings nods of understanding, which is reassuring that they are somewhat grasping what I relay.
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…" I lock eyes with Uther, daring him to say something else. "The British Empire goes through a series of changes, some good, some not so good. All those territories that were fought so hard for, most of them are…ummm…given back to the native peoples." That sounds proper and should go over with this group. "But, don't fret, don't despair. You still have your island home. Nobody's conquering you any time soon. And you guys are even bigger than the Romans, believe it or don't."
I pause and smile as the murmurs begin.
"Oh yes indeed. Much, much huger than the Romans. You give the world so many things, it's impossible to list it all out. Music and literature and…lots of other great stuff…it's just impossible to begin to detail everything that the British have given the world." Again, I decide to keep this on an upbeat nature and not discuss the less-desirable contributions.
I snap my fingers. "And, hey…I almost forgot…you do still have a monarchy. How cool is that? I mean, in America, we have pretend royals, but you guys still have the real, honest-to-goodness thing…bloodline traceable and all that sort of stuff." I smile excitedly as I make my way to the bookshelf, winking at Uther who is looking utterly perplexed by this new tangent. The back row dwellers realize what book I am reaching for and nearly trample everyone in their path, attempting to get to the target book before I do.
"And this book…oh, let me tell you about this book… It contains something that, well, let's just say, many of the British people cling to even today." I let out a laugh as I turn back to the group brandishing a well-worn copy of 'The Once and Future King' by T.H. White.
Curses and groans reach my ears from the ones who surged forward in a vain attempt to secure the novel. I look over at Uther who, I must say, has gone rather pale and is not looking well at all. Wow…I just might be able to wring revenge out of this one simple thing on everyone who caused me so much grief today. My evening is suddenly looking so much better…
