Chapter Three
"Dad!" her voice is so soft and quiet that I barely heard it. It reminded me of when she was a little girl and she would come into mine and Paula's room after a nightmare. She always came and snuggled up beside me. 'Daddy protect me from the monster' she used to say as she curled up into the side of me. But I didn't protect her; I left her to fend for herself. I closed my eyes tightly at the memory of her screaming after me as I left that last morning, walking down the path with my suitcase Jac running quickly behind me.
"Daddy daddy," she cried "Don't you love me anymore?" I felt my heart brake, every last strong nerve crumbled and I fell to my knees wrapping her up in my arms and crying into her hair.
"Daddy loves you so much baby, don't ever forget that," She pulled herself away to look at me.
"Then why are you leaving me daddy?"
"It's not because of you baby," I couldn't believe that she was blaming herself. "Sometimes mommy's and daddy's can't live with each other. Mommy and I can't live with each other anymore. But we both love you very much ok,"
Jac nodded glumly. "Will I see you again?" The tears were forming in her eyes.
"Yes baby, soon I promise," I pulled her into my arms and held her as tightly as possible.
"If you go who will protect me from the monsters?"
I smile sadly "When you're in bed at night baby and your scared of the monsters look out at the sky and the brightest star will protect you,"
"Really?" she asked sceptically. Even as a small child Jac was smart beyond her years.
"Yes," I smiled through tears "Because I'll have put it there," The tears were flowing quickly down my face as I let out a sob.
"Daddy why are you crying?"
"Because I'm going to miss you baby,"
Jac looked at me thoughtfully and handed me her small rabbit, it was only small, tiny enough to pop in my pocket. I pulled the soft toy closer hugging it to me.
"Pancake will keep you safe daddy. You won't miss me if he's with you,"
"Thank you baby," I smile "Be good for mommy," I kissed her cheek gently and headed away from her. I didn't know then that I wouldn't find her again for another thirty years.
After that day I kept my emotions to myself, masking whatever I was feeling because I never wanted to feel pain like that ever again.
Jac's voice pulled me from the past and she's looking down at me with her no nonsense way. She sat down beside me, and puts her head back against the wall. "Well," she sighs, "As days go, I've had better," she quips in her usual sarcastic manner. She gets that from me!
She notices the crumpled photo in my hand and takes it from me. She takes in a sharp breath and I can tell this probe into the past is hard for her.
"I'm sorry," The words escape me before I know I'm saying them.
"For what?" she asks confused.
"Everything!" I tell her "For leaving you with your witch of a mother, for denying the fact that you were my daughter at work. I think the list goes on. I let you down,"
"Yes you did," she tells me. Wow! Tell it to me straight Jac!
"When I was a little girl you told me that you would always protect me from the monsters. But you didn't! You didn't protect me from her. You didn't protect me from what happened when she left,"
"What happened when she left?" I asked, if I'm honest I don't really want to know. I hate the thought of her hurt, but something inside me needed to ask.
Her face darkens for a second and I can tell that she doesn't want to think about it. "Things happen to people Dad. You just have to suck it up and deal with it,"
"It might help if you tell me,"
"Help whom?" she asks exasperated. She runs a hand through her long hair and looks directly at me. "It won't help me to talk about it and it sure as hell won't help you to hear it,"
The look I give her tells her that I'm not yet convinced so she carries on. "How would you feel if someone hurt me?"
"I'd be crushed," I told her "I thought you were going to get hurt earlier. I hated not being able to protect you,"
"I don't want to crush you dad," she tells me honestly "If I go back down that path, not only will I hurt me but I'd hurt you and I couldn't bare that,"
She looks so sad "I couldn't bare the way you'd look at me,"
"I wouldn't look at you any different," I told her sincerely.
"Yes you would," she says softly. I can see the sadness in her eyes. She looks old beyond her years. "I told Joseph. And although I know he loves me, he looks at me differently. Were tainted now, and I don't want that to happen to us," she smiles at me softly and I know not to press the subject further.
"We look happy here," she grins.
"We were," I tell her "You were such a daddy's girl," I smile at the memory.
"I wish I could remember more," she says glumly.
"You were very young," I tell her. I reach into my pocket and retrieve my most precious possession. Handing it to her she studies it intently. I can tell her interest has peaked. What is this strange thing in her hands and what's the meaning behind it.
"Don't you remember Pancake?" I ask her, willing her to do so.
"I'm sorry, no!" she tells me "Was it mine?"
The small rabbit sits in her hand. His older than he was and his fur faded over time. He has aged just like Jac and I. "The day I left you gave him to me,"
I can tell she is trying to picture it. Recall it from so part of her mind long forgotten. She looks frustrated, angry with herself that she cannot recall it.
"You told me that he would look after me," I carried on "You said that he would stop me missing you, he would stop me being sad,"
She looks at me in disbelief like I'm talking about someone else.
"I have carried him around in my pocket for thirty years and a day hasn't gone by when I haven't missed you,"
"You never looked for me," she said accusingly "All those years! I had to look for you,"
"I came looking for you when you were thirteen. Your granddad said you'd gone to India with your mother,"
"What about those eight years between?" She asked angrily "Oh sorry I forgot you were too busy getting your medical degree," she spat angrily.
"And my daughter followed in my footsteps," I grinned "Maybe it's genetic?"
"I doubt it!" She rolled her eyes at me. I picture her as a teenager doing that. I've missed out on so much.
"Jac I have apologised for the past, there is nothing I can do to change it,"
"Maybe not," she answers "But your hardly doing anything to make it up to me,"
"What do you want me to do?" I asked losing my patients. She doesn't have to try and make me feel worse than I do. I honestly don't think it's possible "Do you want me to spoil you rotten? Take you shopping like a good dad would do. Max out my credit card?"
"Do you think this is about money?" she growls at me. She's fuming! "Apart from having an extremely well paid job I have never needed your money before and I certainly don't need it now,"
"I'm struggling to figure out what you want?"
Her eyes are blazing at me. She stands up and looks down at me "All I want is my dad," she says sadly "But I don't think you can give me that can you Mr Hanssen?"
She walks away from me quickly, not looking back and I hope that I haven't lost her.
