(Chapter 3)
Sam is sitting at the kitchen counter reading Fan Fiction on her PearBook Air laptop.
SAM (reading): "Gabrielle obediently kneels down before Xena and starts... (looks confused) licking Xena's moist folds? ... Weirdo."
(laugh track)
CAT: "I told you. You're getting involved with a real sketchy crowd. This fan fission stuff is gonna mess with your brain."
SAM: "But reading's good for you. No?"
CAT: "If you're talking about the classics. Cyrano de Bacharach, Homer Simpson's Iliad,..."
SAM: "The Lion, The Witch and the Scarecrow?"
CAT: "Now you're talkin'."
(laugh track)
SAM: "Or check this one out. 'And she pulled down her panties while twisting her nipples,... COME ON! Now how is that even possible?!"
(laugh track)
CAT: "I don't get it, either. Why would she be ruining someone's perfectly good baby bottles?"
SAM: "You know, I'm sorry. But most of this writing is... questionable at best. I bet I could write something a HUNDRED times better than any of these townfolk can."
CAT: "Well... just be careful. You may be a lazy bum, but I know how obsessive you become when you get into something that really interests you. Up all night watching TV, up all night eating cheese, and next, you'll be up all night writing about Xena's jock strap."
(laugh track)
SAM (typing focussedly): "Yyyyeah... What's that Cat? I'm trying to figure out how to make a user account. Let's see. Username... Pam... Suckett...
CAT: "Aheh!" (that little laugh she does)
SAM: "Age: ... none.. of.. your.. biz.. ness."
CAT: "AHEH!"
SAM: "Gender: ... what... eva... the... hell... I ... feel... like."
CAT: "Ah-CHOO!" (makes raised-eyebrows air head smiley face)
(laugh track) (picture collage)
In the next scene, Sam's on her laptop in the living room. Cat sits beside her.
SAM: "Check this out! In just twenty four hours, my story has already got eighty views! And they're from all over the world! Look, there's one from Norway, there's one from Singapore, there's one from New Zealand..."
CAT: "Ooh! Antarctica!"
SAM (confused, looking closer): "That's Australia, you drongo!"
Cat looks hurt.
SAM: "Anyway, I just feel like I have to keep going! The stories... they just sort of keep writing themselves! I feel so motivated. I feel I'm becoming a better writer with each passing day. And it really helps to be a part of a whole community of people who really support and encourage eachother with their passion."
CAT: "Well, you know what they say... It takes a village to raise an idiot." (Walks away towards the kitchen).
(laugh track)
Sam, after a brief pause, gets back to typing.
SAM: "Okayyy... next chapter."
SAM (speaking as "Xena" while simultaneously typing): "Gabrielle! Fetch... me... a... sandwich... or... else... I... will... give... you... a...medeival...wedgie."
SAM (speaking as "Gabrielle" while typing)" "Oh... no... Xena... not...a... nother...wedgie. I... love... your...wedgies... but... I...shall ...do ... as...you...say."
SAM (leaning back, talking to herself): "Ah! If only life were like that."
Sam sees Cat in the kitchen, making a sandwich. Sam looks away, thinking.
SAM: "Cat! Fetch me a sandwich or else I will give you a medieval wedgie!"
CAT: "Kay kay."
SAM (looking surprised, muttering to herself): "Huh. That was easy."
(laugh track)
SAM: "And when you bring my sandwich, come rub my feet."
CAT: "Alright, Sam."
Cat walks into the living room with a sandwich on a plate. She sets the plate on the coffee table, sits down, and props Sam's feet on her lap. Cat takes off Sam's shoes, picks up a sandwich, and proceeds to rub Sam's feet with the sandwich, maintaining eye contact with her all the while.
(laugh track)
SAM: "Uhh. Cat?"
CAT: "Before you ask, I'm not doing this out of any misunderstanding. I'm doing this out of spite."
SAM: "... carry on then." (Goes back to typing her story while Cat sandwiches her roomate's feet).
(fade to toy commercials)
