Here's the next chapter with some surprising guest stars!
Chapter III: Meet Me At The Bar
"I'm glad you find your spit up on my six hundred dollar suit very amusing," Archer grumbled as he wiped off the offending item from his shoulder. AJ was sitting back in her carry on seat laughing. "Remind me to take the cost of this suit out of your allowance. When you start getting one."
"I told you to put a cloth on it," Lana smirked.
"In hindsight I should have listened to you," Archer grumbled.
"What? You actually agree that you should have listened to me?" Lana was surprised.
"When it comes to AJ yeah I should know by now that you pretty much know what's best for her at least sixty percent of the time," Archer grumbled.
"Only sixty percent?"
"Well that number could go up or down as she gets older," Archer shrugged. "Depending on the situation. And how prepared she is for alligator attacks or cyborg attacks."
"I have to admit I'm impressed on how you handled AJ. You're actually really good with her," Lana admitted. "Well when you're supervised."
"I will accept that backhanded compliment," Archer said wryly. "And any, you know? Other form of appreciation. If you get my drift."
"I am not having sex with you," Lana glared. "Especially with a baby in the room!"
"Actually I was going for a bottle of Glengoolie Blue," Archer groaned. "But come on Lana! I may be a lot of things but that's not one of them! I mean…Come on! I would never do that! It reminds me too much of…Ughhhhh…" He shuddered violently at the memories.
FLASHBACK!
Six year old Archer was standing in the doorway of his mother's bedroom. "Mother…?" he said innocently.
"Uh Mommy's just playing a game with Uncle Len," Mallory said quickly as she popped her head out from under the covers. "Where the hell is your nanny?"
"I don't know," Young Archer sniffed. "That's why I came to ask you. I can't find her."
"Oh right. I fired her this afternoon while you and Woodhouse were at the park," Mallory remembered.
"What's fired mean?" Young Archer's eyes widened.
"You know how you throw a toy away and you never want to see it again?" Mallory asked. "That's pretty much what you do with an employee. WOODHOUSE! GET THIS KID OUT OF HERE!"
"But I love Nanny!" Young Archer cried out.
"Yeah well you'll love something else," Mallory waved. "People walk in and out of your life kid. Get used to it. Except for me. You'll have Mommy forever. WOODHOUSE GOD DAMN IT YOU'D BETTER NOT BE ON THE FIX AGAIN!"
FLASHBACK!
"Mother what are you doing?" Young seven year old Archer gasped.
"Uh…" Younger Mallory was wearing a schoolgirl outfit and her hair was in pigtails. Another man was tied to her bed. "Just playing a game with your Uncle Teddy. Just a little dress up. WOODHOUSE!"
FLASHBACK!
Seven year old Archer again was standing outside his mother's bedroom. In shock. "MOTHER!"
"Playing dress up with Uncle Buddy," Mallory said quickly. She had a revealing nun's outfit on and another man was tied up on her bed.
"You mean like you did with Uncle Teddy last week?" Young Archer asked innocently.
"Who the hell is Uncle Teddy?" Buddy shouted.
"Never heard of him," Mallory said quickly. "And why aren't you at boarding school? WOODHOUSE!"
FLASHBACK!
Archer still seven years old woke up in a hotel room he shared with his mother. "Mother? What's that noise!" MOTHER!"
"Oh for the love of Christ…!" Mallory groaned. She was wearing a pink nightgown in the other bed. "I knew I should have left you at boarding school over the holiday week."
"I was expelled," Young Archer frowned.
"Oh right. But still…" Mallory sighed. She glared at the man next to her. "I told you! You were making too much noise! It's like making love to a female tennis player!"
"So uh, should we stop?" The man asked.
"Hold on," Mallory sighed as she got up and got something out of her purse. "Sterling take one of these and go to bed."
"Is that aspirin?" The man asked as Sterling took it.
"It's something," Mallory shrugged. "Here now have some of Mommy's Scotch to wash it down."
"You really think you should give a small boy a drink with pills?" The man was stunned.
"Oh please this stuff is more watered down than New York tap water," Mallory waved as Sterling took a drink. "Besides it's just one little sip. What harm could it do?"
"Whoaaaaaaaaaa…" Young Sterling's pupils widened and he started to giggle. "Look at all the pretty alligators!"
"Yeah go play with the alligators in dreamland Sterling," Mallory sighed as she put her son to bed. "Nighty night."
"Don't worry…" Young Sterling heard his mother as he started to pass out. "In a few minutes an airplane could land in this room and he won't wake up."
"I wanna fly the plane…" Young Sterling moaned as he passed out.
FLASHBACK!
"Is it spring break already?" Mallory wearing black lingerie in bed with another man shouted at an eight year old Archer.
FLASHBACK!
Nine year old Archer was eating breakfast when a man ran by and out the door. "Mother! Mother! There was a strange man in our apartment! Mother!" Young Archer ran to find his mother. "MOTHER!"
He found her.
She was wearing her pink nightgown but she was tied up on the bed stand by her hands with silk ties. "Sterling Honey…Mother needs you to get the good scissors and cut me loose. And then Mother needs to call the police."
"You were robbed?" Young Archer gasped.
"Yeah. And the worst part is the damn bastard didn't even put out!" Mallory snapped.
FLASHBACK!
"Oh for Christ's sake Sterling!" Mallory shouted at her ten year old son. She was naked in bed with another man who was wearing black lingerie. "You know what's going on! It's not like you haven't seen this before!"
"AAAAHHHH!" Young Archer ran away.
"You'd think by now he'd know what sock on the doorknob means," Mallory groaned.
FLASHFORWARD!
"So believe me Lana, the last thing I want to do is have sex in front of our daughter!" Archer barked. "I don't want her to be scarred for life like I was!"
"Oh Archer…I'm so sorry…I…." Lana apologized.
"Unless of course you want to wait until she goes to sleep," Archer added. "And then we can have a quickie in the bathroom. That's totally acceptable. As long as we're quiet."
"You know I almost felt sorry for misjudging you," Lana gave him a look. "Just for one second. Nearly made that mistake. Almost."
"I'll tell you what's a mistake," Archer grumbled as he looked at the hotel bar. "A fully stocked hotel bar with a refrigerator but no ice in it! Seriously? Carol or whatever her name is this week couldn't spring for some ice in a room?"
"Archer…" Lana began.
Archer went on as he took out a few bottles. "I mean I get not having it in the majority of the rooms here. Yeah. That I can see. But we're on the luxury floors. I mean high paying customers expect a high level of service."
"Archer…"
"It's the little things Lana that make or break a hotel," Archer remarked as he took a quick swig of one of the bottles. "And honestly I'm starting to see why the Tuntmore went down a star on Vacation Guru."
"Wait what…?"
"I went online to check out reviews and to see if there are any hidden perks or specific food specials I should order while we're here," Archer told her. "You can learn a lot of stuff on that website."
"So Vacation Guru…Is that like Trip Advisor?" Lana asked.
"It's comparable," Archer shrugged as he took a drink and finished the bottle. "But according to the website the Tuntmore has been going downhill lately. Apparently it's gotten some kind of reputation for violence."
"You mean like the time we killed a whole bunch of North Korean spies and basically trashed an entire hotel floor?" Lana asked. "Or the other time when you and Pam got into a fight with Kenny Loggins and his security and trashed another hotel floor and an outdoor swimming pool?"
"Now that you mention it, that might have something to do with it," Archer shrugged as he took out a box of cookies and started eating from it. "Wow. These cookies do not taste like they are worth twenty dollars a box!"
"Archer…" Lana sighed.
"I mean they taste all right," Archer went on. "I mean definitely better than most brands but twenty dollars a box? Seriously? They're not that good."
"Archer…"
"Maybe, maybe ten dollars a box!" Archer went on. "Fifteen tops. And that's still pushing it."
"Archer…" Lana was getting annoyed.
"They're not even that big! And the chip to cookie ratio is way down than what it should be," Archer looked at the cookie. "I mean for twenty dollars' worth it should be a lot more."
"I was saying that maybe you shouldn't just grab everything expensive from the hotel bar?" Lana snapped.
"For crying out loud Lana, Cheryl and Mother are paying," Archer rolled his eyes.
"Yeah well knowing them," Lana took a breath. "They'll find a way to make us pay!"
"Probably. I'm going out to get some ice," Archer sighed as he picked up the ice bucket. "Do you want anything else while I'm at it?"
"A new job, a million dollars and the father of my child to not act like a dick all the time," Lana sighed as she picked up AJ. "But I'll settle for some ice and a ginger ale."
"Nice to see you're finally lowering the bar," Archer snorted.
"And it might not be a bad idea for you to check up on Krieger," Lana called out as Archer left. "To see how he's doing with the surveillance equipment."
"Krieger said he could handle it himself," Archer waved. "I'm sure he'll get it done. It'll be fine."
Meanwhile at the Tuntmore Bar…
"I know I really should get back and work on that surveillance stuff but it's been so long," Krieger said cheerfully as he sat at a booth with some old friends. "I haven't seen you guys in ages! How've you been?"
"Not too bad," Dr. Quentin Quinn, a handsome African American man in a stylish black outfit with an open white shirt remarked. "I just finished a research paper. Got a grant for a boatload of cash to study whatever the hell I want. I figure I'd kick back and relax this weekend and explore the city. Enjoy my vacation after the living hell I went through that was my last job."
"Oh come on Quinn. Sea Lab wasn't that bad," Dr. Ilad Virjay, an Indian man with a thick Indian accent and a black mustache scoffed. He was wearing a grey shirt with a black tie and a grey suit.
"Easy for you to say," Dr. Quinn grumbled. "You didn't have to deal with that lunatic Captain Murphy every day!"
"No, I just had to deal with all the people he accidentally injured or had to go to the infirmary because of his carelessness," Dr. Virjay quipped. "That's much easier."
"Speaking of easier how's those bionics I helped install?" Krieger asked.
"Sound as a pound baby," Dr. Quinn nodded. "Even better now that Dr. V's a cyborg too."
"I agree!" Dr. Virjay revealed that he had a robotic eye as his left eye changed to the color red and back again. "Being a cyborg totally rocks!"
"Oh just a head's up," Krieger said. "Remember my friend Archer I told you about? Still totally against cyborgs so uh…"
"Yeah we know what he looks like," Dr. Quinn said. "Don't engage him. Don't tell him we're cyborgs."
"We cool bro," Dr. Virjay nodded. "Speaking of cool I got those robot chickens you ordered."
"Why do you need robot chickens?" Dr. Quinn asked. "And since when are you in the robot chicken delivery business V?"
"Not everyone is able to coast on government money Q," Dr. Virjay looked at him. "Some of us only have one doctorate you know?"
"And some of us not even that," Krieger admitted.
"I do a little bit of this and that to get by," Dr. Virjay admitted. "My stocks are doing pretty good right about now. But selling lab animals and robot animals online really helps supplement my income."
"But why use robot chickens as lab…?" Dr. Quinn began. "Never mind. I don't want to know."
"Technically they're cyborg chickens but robot chickens sounds cooler," Dr. Virjay shrugged. "And it really helps me work on improving my new cyborg making skills. Because you know? Self-preservation and all that."
"He tells me anyway," Dr. Quinn groaned.
"So what's new with you V?" Krieger asked. "Still trying to get the band back together?"
"Yes but you know how that goes," Dr. Virjay waved. "Some guys are still mad at some other guys for sleeping with their girlfriends. While other guys are dead."
"Speaking of dead is it true that Captain Murphy's gone?" Dr. Quinn asked.
"Yeah. Killed by a soda machine," Krieger nodded.
"Damn," Dr. Quinn whistled.
"Just like the gypsy woman said," Dr. Virjay nodded.
"So how's Debbie?" Krieger asked Dr. Quinn.
"I don't want to talk about it," Dr. Quinn folded his arms.
"You broke up again?" Krieger asked.
"Ugh always with the breaking up and getting back together with those two," Dr. Virjay groaned. "It's like a bad episode of Friends that never ends. Huh. That sounds like a pretty good lyric for new rock song for my band."
"Sounds like Archer and Lana," Krieger nodded.
"Is it really true that your friend Lana stole Archer's sperm to have a baby?" Dr. Virjay asked.
"Yup," Krieger nodded again.
"Sounds like something my crazy bitch of an ex would do," Dr. Quinn grumbled.
"Dude let it go," Dr. Virjay groaned.
"The woman changes her mind every other day about having a baby and I'm the one with commitment problems?" Dr. Quinn shouted. "Bitch please! You're the one who has problems!"
"And he keeps going," Dr. Virjay groaned.
"Your needs! Your needs!" Dr. Quinn went on. "Well what about my needs woman? Huh? Do you even give a damn about my needs?"
"Planet Earth to Dr. Quinn!" Dr. Virjay snapped. "Come back down and get a grip!"
"I'm starting to remember why we don't hang out much," Krieger realized.
"Maybe you need to calm down?" Dr. Virjay suggested.
"What I need is some good Scotch!" Dr. Quinn snapped. "With some WD40 in it!"
Meanwhile back at Cheryl and Pam's room…
"You heard me! More Scotch! And some kind of oil," Cheryl ordered on the phone. She was in a hot tub with Pam, Liam and Sean. They were all naked, covered only by bubbles and water. "Chop! Chop!"
"Oooohhhhh…" Liam moaned as he ate some groovy gummies. "I feel like I just kissed a rainbow and went to second base with it."
"Oh head's up," Pam said to Sean. "The gummy bears are totally loaded with LSD."
"Just got the message," Sean snorted. "But you're the only high I need. Well that and more Scotch."
Just then a phone rang. "It's mine. Hold on," Sean said as he reached into his pants that were by the side of the hot tub. He answered it. "Talk to me."
Sean waited a moment. "No, as a matter of fact we're not in our room. We've just been invited to a little party. Penthouse floor actually. Guests of Cheryl Tunt. That's right. That's her."
"Oh my God! Oh my God!" Liam giggled. "I know what we should do! I know what we should do! We should become treasure hunters! There's like a billion, billion tons of gold and jewels and stuff…"
"Are there any choking robots?" Cheryl giggled.
"Yeah why not?" Liam said in a chipper voice.
"Yes I'm definitely sure it's her," Sean reported on the phone.
"Okay, okay…okay…" Liam giggled. "Get this! We become treasure hunters and go underwater and just take all the treasure and…and…and…"
"Choking robots," Cheryl added.
"And choking robots," Liam said.
"And ostriches," Cheryl added.
"And all the ostriches and we can be rich!" Liam laughed. "And we can swim all day and dolphins will be our friends!"
"Yeah dolphins rule bitches!" Pam laughed.
"What? Look we got time before that," Sean said.
"Hey is that your friend?" Pam hiccupped she was a little tipsy too. "Does he like to party?"
"I'll ask him," Sean told her. He went back to the phone. "Dude you have got to get up here. Well I know it's not part of the plan but this is a golden opportunity! That has literally fallen into our laps. Plus Liam is really wasted which is fun to watch."
"They call me Flipper! Flipper! Flipper! King of the Sea!" Liam sank drunkenly as he splashed around.
"No, I did not get him wasted," Sean said indignantly into the phone. "This time."
"Save me Flipper! Save me!" Cheryl laughed as she jumped on top of Liam. "And then choke the hell out of me!"
"You have got to come up here!" Sean said. "Seriously. There's like no security up here. This is even better than the laser deal. Are you kidding? This woman owns half the railroads and trains in the country and is a billionaire! I think our superiors will prefer that to…a transaction of simple merchandise we have for sales!"
"GLUB! GLUB! GLUB!" Liam floundered around, drowning a little because of Cheryl's enthusiasm.
"Cheryl! Don't kill him before you have sex with him! Seriously!" Pam shouted.
"We still have a few hours before the deal!" Sean hissed into the phone. "Seriously! This is a golden opportunity!"
"Hey! Hey! Is your friend hot too?" Pam asked drunkenly. She shouted into the phone. "If you're hot I'll give you a blowjob in the hot tub! Hell if you're hot I'll do you too!"
"Just punch in the number to the penthouse floor!" Cheryl laughed as she pulled Liam out of the hot tub. "There's no security code! First I gotta give this guy mouth to mouth before he can give me mouth to mouth!"
"You got that?" Sean asked. "Yeah I thought that would get you up here. See you soon!"
Sean hung up the phone. "Okay our friend and co-worker is coming up here and we are going to party!"
"WWWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cheryl whooped.
"Now I believe there was some mention of a blowjob?" Sean asked Pam.
Pam smirked and leaned towards him. "Forget the blowjob. I'm gonna rock your world…"
Back at the bar…
"She was my whole world!" Dr. Quinn was now crying into his Scotch. His fifth glass of Scotch. There was also a bottle of WD40 next to the glasses. "She rocked me all night long!"
"Every time he has more than one Scotch," Dr. Virjay shook his head. "Every freaking time."
"It's not the Scotch as much as the WD40," Krieger shrugged. "Some cyborgs just can't handle that combination."
"DEBBIE WHY? WHY? WHY?" Dr. Quinn wailed. "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TWO TIMING BITCH?"
"And here we go to the next phase," Krieger sighed.
"Just like the Quinn-Tervention just before we all left Sea Lab," Dr. Virjay groaned.
"I don't need her!" Dr. Quinn snapped. "I don't need her! I can do way better than her! That bitch don't know what a good thing she walked out on let me tell you that!"
"You have been," Dr. Virjay remarked. "All night."
"You just need to forget her and get on with your life," Krieger nodded.
"Channel your inner Elsa and let it go!" Dr. Virjay agreed.
"You guys are right," Dr. Quinn sighed.
"Say look over there in the corner," Dr. Virjay pointed. "There are a few band instruments over there."
"Well the Tuntmore does have a band and it plays sometimes," Krieger said. "They're probably going to play later."
"How about we play now?" Dr. Virjay asked. "We could do some jamming tunes! Krieger you can play drums! I'll be on base and Dr. Quinn you play a mean electric guitar!"
"Not like I have anything better to do," Krieger admitted.
"We could play some of those songs we wrote back on Sea Lab!" Dr. Virjay said cheerfully. "My personal favorite: You Can't Break My Heart Baby Because It's Made Of Metal!"
"I'm in!" Dr. Quinn agreed. "Let's rock!"
Meanwhile Archer was on his quest for an ice machine.
"How the hell can an ice machine not be on every floor of a fancy hotel?" Archer grumbled as he got out of the elevator and decided to check out the next floor. "Seriously I am going to mention this on Vacation Guru."
He looked around. "I'm already picturing the headline. Tuntmore Hotel: No Ice, No Dice! Wait I had something better for this."
"Hey buddy have you seen an ice machine?" A tall muscular man with brown hair wearing a bathrobe walked over to him holding an ice bucket.
"No. And there's none on the floor above," Archer said.
"Typical!" The man grumbled. "I am definitely going to mention this when I write a review about this on Vacation Guru!"
"Me too. I mean it's a major hotel!" Archer agreed. "How could they not have ice machines?"
"I've gone to Harmond Jameson's Inns that had better ice machines!" The man agreed. "One on every floor!"
"Is that like Howard Johnson's Inn?" Archer asked.
"It's comparable," The man shrugged.
"Lonnie have you found an ice machine yet?" A blonde woman in a bathrobe poked her head out of a door. "The ginger ale is starting to get warm and…YOU!"
"Me?" Archer blinked.
"Sterling Archer!" The woman fumed.
"Sterling Archer?" Lonnie did a double take. "Sterling Archer?"
"Uh yeah that's my name," Archer blinked.
"Tiffany?" Lonnie did a double take. "THAT'S STERLING ARCHER?"
"Yeah I just said…" Archer began when he recognized the woman. "Tiffany? Hey I know you?"
"You're the Sterling Archer that slept with my wife?" Lonnie shouted. "And gave her some weird venereal disease!"
"Oh…My bad," Archer winced.
"Sterling Archer…" Tiffany growled.
"You're not the Tiffany from the aquarium right?" Archer asked.
"No! I'm the one from the airport!" Tiffany shouted.
"Oh good because that Tiffany was weird," Archer let out a sigh of relief.
"Hey has anyone seen an ice…YOU!" A well-dressed brown haired woman walked up with a well-dressed man.
"What?" Archer asked.
"Archer?" The brown haired woman glared at him. "Sterling Archer?"
"And you are…?" Archer blinked.
"Carol!" The brown haired woman snapped.
"I know a lot of Carols," Archer admitted. "Which one are you?"
"She's the one you slept with!" The well-dressed man shouted. "MY WIFE!"
"Uh that doesn't help…" Archer protested.
"How many Carols have you slept with?" Carol shouted.
"Quite a few," Archer admitted.
"He slept with your wife too?" Lonnie asked the well-dressed man with Carol.
"And my sister in law and my mother!" The well-dressed man shouted.
"Oh that Carol!" Archer remembered. "From Boston Harbor Hotel. Yeah that was a crazy weekend."
"Randy!" A red haired woman shouted as she came up to them with a man with blonde hair.
"Randy? This is the Randy you slept with on our honeymoon?" The blonde haired man shouted.
"Randy? No this jackass' name is Sterling Archer!" Carol snapped. "He's a god damned beer inspector!"
"No, he's not!" Tiffany shouted. "He's some kind of government agent!"
"Government agent? This jackass was tending bar when he seduced my wife!" The blonde man shouted.
"I was on vacation," Archer said. "Long story. Sorry I was just grief banging women to get over my supposedly murdered fiancé…"
"Grief banging?" Lonnie shouted.
"It's a thing!" Archer snapped.
"It is not a thing!" Carol shouted.
"Being wife seducer! That's a thing!" The blonde man shouted.
"Dude you were playing golf on your honeymoon!" Archer snapped. "Leaving your new wife for a stupid game where you hit a stupid little ball with a stupid little club! Honestly I'm amazed your marriage lasted this long!"
"I'm amazed you lasted this long Randy!" A tanned woman with long curly hair wearing a red dress stormed up to him.
"His name is Sterling Archer," Lonnie said. "It's an alias. We've been over that."
"I lost my fiancé who ran off with my sister because of you!" The tan woman shouted.
"Again you cheated on your husband on the night before your wedding!" Archer snapped. "I remember you! Your name is Carol too! You had like twelve margaritas and were complaining how he wasn't rich enough for you! It's not like you loved him that much anyway!"
"It doesn't matter! I was still out the cost of a wedding thanks to you!" Carol 2 shouted. "You took advantage of me and my bitch of a sister blabbed to my fiancé!"
"Oh now I remember that guy I punched in the freezer walkway," Archer remembered.
"Yeah! He left me and my sister just swooped in and grabbed him!" Carol 2 snapped. "And worst of all, then he got rich and now he and my bitch sister rub it in my face every time I see their smug ass faces!"
"Well obviously your sister liked him more!" Archer snapped. "You shouldn't have taken your eyes off the prize!"
"Sterling Archer!" A beautiful dark skinned woman with medium curly hair and in a stylish blue dress stormed up to him.
"Oh God who are you?" Archer groaned.
"Carla! What's going on?" A shorter dark skinned man with glasses and wearing a green sweater vest walked up to them.
"George this is Sterling Archer!" Carla pointed.
"The guy who dumped you in that airport bar and gave you that weird venereal disease?" George remarked.
"You got a disease too?" Carol 2 shouted. "I knew that was from him!"
"With the itching and the unusual swelling of the…?" The blonde man began. "Oh my God I knew I didn't get that from playing golf!"
"How could you do that? How could you just sleep with any woman that just walks your way without any thought of consequences?" Tiffany shouted.
"Yeah how? Don't leave out any details," George remarked. Carla glared at him. "Because you are a bad, bad man. Very bad."
"Good save," Carla glared at him.
"Well it was nice seeing all of you…" Archer decided to back away. "But I need to find an ice machine…"
"You're gonna need it!" Tiffany snarled.
"With all the ass kicking we're going to do because we all hate your guts!" Carol 1 shouted.
"Technically I don't," George shrugged. "If it wasn't for you Carla wouldn't have settled for a guy like me. But you know…? Gotta please the wife…"
"Yeah I get that," Archer sighed as he pulled out his gun. "Look I didn't want to play this card because a friend of mine owns this hotel and I really don't want to be responsible for another rumor of violence in this place but…I own a gun."
"So do we," Carol 1 pulled a gun out from her purse. And so did her husband. And a few other people. "Well quite a few of us actually."
"Uh oh…" Archer gulped. Since he didn't feel like getting into a shootout in the hallway where the odds were he'd probably lose, he decided to run.
"COME BACK HERE YOU WIFE STEALING BASTARD!" Lonnie shouted as he chased after him.
"LONNIE! WAIT!" Tiffany ran after him. "I WANT TO KILL HIM TOO!"
"Who would have thought that a lifetime of screwing around with other women would have consequences?" Archer groaned as he ran. "Other than the four strains of venereal diseases that are named after me."
"GET HIM! DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!" The mob screamed as they chased after him. "TEAR HIS EYES OUT! KICK HIM IN THE BALLS!"
"Yikes! Some people are just so touchy!" Archer groaned. "YOU KNOW IT'S NOT LIKE I PUT A GUN TO YOUR HEADS TO MAKE YOU SLEEP WITH ME! IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO YOU KNOW? OKAY MAYBE IN THIS CASE TWO DOZEN BUT STILL…"
"GET HIM! GET HIM!" The Mob shouted as they chased him. "I WANT TO SEE HIM SCREAM IN AGONY! ME TOO!"
Archer knocked over a bellhop with a cart to slow down the mob behind him. "Great! Where are the stairs in this place?"
He rounded another corner and saw a bellhop come out of a room. "Any port in a storm!" He ran into the room and shoved the bellhop out of the way before the bellhop could close it.
"Sorry about this! But I'm kind of running for my life here!" Archer closed the door and locked it.
He turned around and saw a woman with short black hair and fashionable black glasses wearing a bathrobe lying on the bed. "Okay definitely glad I ran in here," Archer preened.
"Sterling Archer?" The woman was stunned.
"Do I know…? Oh wait…" Archer then recognized the woman. "Valarie?"
"Been a long time Archer," Valarie glared at him. "After that business in Portugal. How long has it been? Six? Seven years?"
"What the hell is this?" Archer grumbled to himself. "A convention of women I screwed?"
"Looks like," Valarie pulled out a large sliver gun from behind her pillow and pointed it at Archer's head.
"And of course one of the women I run into has to be a freaking assassin!" Archer groaned.
"I prefer to think of myself as a freelance problem solving consultant," Valarie glared at him.
"Well that's just smart branding," Archer remarked. "Hey are you still with those guys in the metal suits? What were they called? The Extraordinary League of Iron Man Copycat Dumbasses?"
"That's a good a name as any for those losers," Valarie groaned. "And no. It didn't work out. Not for lack of trying. We had a few missions but, uh. It just didn't work. Not that much of a demand for them."
"I know how that goes," Archer admitted. "Great, running from an angry mob into the room of an angry freelance problem solving consultant! What did I do to deserve this?"
"More like whom did you do to deserve this. By the way how's Pam doing?" Valarie asked.
"Oh she's fine," Archer shrugged. "You know? She's around here somewhere."
"That's good. I've always liked Pam," Valarie said.
"Well you two do have a lot in common," Archer admitted. "By the way do you still carry around that designer bug-out bag you always carry? Pam wanted to know where you got it."
"Yeah it's by that lamp with the ugly lampshade and it's a custom Relic bag," Valarie nodded. "I know a guy."
"Is that like Fossil?"
"It's comparable," Valarie admitted. "I'll let her know where she can get one because, you know? You'll be…"
"DEAD! I WANT HIM DEAD!" Tiffany was shouting outside the door. Someone shot open the lock and the mob managed to rush in.
"Why doesn't everyone just rush into my room?" Valarie snapped. "Don't mind me! I just paid for the room! And I'm probably going to have to pay for the freaking door!"
"Oh, sorry," Lonnie apologized as the mob stopped.
"We were just trying to kill this bastard," Carol 2 said.
"Yeah! I figured that," Valarie snapped as she stood up waving her gun. "So was I! I mean the bastard not only figuratively and literally screwed me in the past, he gave me some weird ass virus! My vagina felt like a freaking volcano for a week!"
"And whenever you peed it felt like lava was coming out of it as well as that weird gold liquid pus?" Carla asked.
"Exactly," Valarie said.
"Oh yeah, I've been there," Carla said.
"Me too. And me. My sister got that. I think I got the guy equivalent of it…" The mob agreed.
"Look obviously we all want this asshole dead because let's face it, he's the world's biggest douchebag," Valarie sighed. "But if we all shoot him at the same time it's just going to be over far too soon. And it will wreck the room even more. I mean, I'm probably going to be charged for the door as it is!"
"Oh yeah," Lonnie said. "Sorry about that."
"Our bad," Carla agreed.
"Here's what I propose," Valarie said. "We tie him up and turn him into a human piñata. Taking turns to beat the sh…"
Just then as she was speaking a few smoke bombs rolled in the middle of the room. "SMOKE BOMBS!" Valarie realized.
"Smoke bombs?" Carol 2 asked. "I think you mean sh…"
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!
Smoke filled the room. "Oh great! He got into my smoke bombs!" Valarie shouted. "Stupid Valarie! This is just what he did in Portugal!"
"Cover the door so he won't escape!" Lonnie shouted.
"Make sure he doesn't get out of this room!" Valarie coughed. "ARCHER YOU ASSHOLE!"
"He's in the bathroom!" Someone shouted. "Let's go in there and get him!"
There was a rush to the bathroom. "WHERE IS HE? IS HE IN THE SHOWER? WHERE IS HE? GET HIM!"
"He's not here!" Lonnie shouted. "I don't see him!"
"OW! WHO STEPPED ON MY FOOT!" Tiffany shouted.
"Oh sorry," George said. "OW! Someone get their elbow out of my eye!"
"Wait! He's not in here!" Valarie realized as she glazed around the crowded bathroom. "He must be…"
CLICK!
"Outside…" Valarie growled.
"Wow I didn't think that would work," Archer remarked as he locked the door by shoving a chair next to it. "Man it must be like Night At the Opera in there."
"Oh great! He pulled a Marx Brothers!" Valarie snapped as she tried to open the door but there were too many people to move. "Will somebody move their elbows?"
"I would if someone gets their face out of my back!" Carol 2 shouted. "Get out of my face!"
"You get out of my face!" Tiffany shouted.
"Wow I would have thought Valarie would have learned not to keep smoke bombs so handy in her bag after what happened in Portugal," Archer remarked as he left the room. "And she kept it by that lamp with the ugly lampshade."
"ARCHER WHEN WE GET OUT OF THIS BATHROOM YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" Valarie shouted.
"I have to pee," Carol 1 said.
"Me too," George groaned.
"I think I'd better go find an ice machine on another floor!" Archer groaned as he ran off. "Preferably one a lot less violent than this one!"
However…
Down in the kitchen of the Tuntmore Hotel…
"Get those mushrooms prepped! Slice those carrots! Chop up those eggplants!" The Head Chef of the Tuntmore Hotel ordered his staff as they ran around prepping and cooking. "I'm sick of people complaining about our food not being fresh enough or fancy enough! Thanks a lot Vacation Guru! For making my job a thousand times harder!"
"Is that like Trip Advisor Chef?" A sous chef asked.
"It's comparable," The Head Chef shrugged. "NOW GET TO WORK MAGGOTS!"
"Ewww…" Some chefs winced.
"Oh right. Not the best imagery you want in a restaurant," The Head Chef winced. "That one's on me. My bad. Forget the maggots. Uh make that…GET TO WORK CHICKEN NUGGETS!"
"Much better Chef," A sous chef said. "More appropriate."
"Yeah that does work better," The Head Chef agreed. "Now where is that lazy kitchen boy?"
"Here Chef! We got some fresh food right there!" The Kitchen Boy and two other sous chefs came in wheeling in some crates labeled chickens on a loading bed.
"What in the name of Julia Child is this?" The Head Chef snapped.
"I just saw these crates labeled chickens in the garage and I heard the clucking so we assumed it was a delivery," The kitchen boy shrugged.
"Yeah the company that delivers our food has really slipped up in quality these past few months," Another chef agreed.
"These chickens are supposed to be dead!" The Head Chef snapped. "But I guess fresh chicken isn't the worst thing in the world. Open the boxes up!"
"You're going to kill the chickens?" A chef gasped as the Head Chef grabbed a huge cleaver.
"No, you idiot! I'm going to give them a free dinner on the house and then a massage!" The Head Chef snapped as some sous chefs opened up the crates. "Of course I'm going to kill them! You idiots pluck the…"
Just then he looked inside one of the crates. Chickens with cyborg parts looked up at him as one.
"Uh that's not normal is it Chef?" The Kitchen Boy asked.
"No it is not," The Head Chef blinked.
"Bawwwwwwwwkkkkk" One of the robot chicken's eyes glowed red and a laser beamed out of it.
And the laser blasted the cleaver right out of the Head Chef's hand.
"Uh oh…" The Head Chef gulped. "This can't be good."
"IT'S ALIVE!" Someone shouted.
"BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKK!" The robot chickens cried out as one before they attacked.
The Terror at the Tuntmore had begun…
