A/N: Wasn't sure if I was going to add onto this story or not, I've had bits and pieces all scrambled about and I think I've finally put it all together in the right way. Hopefully I get the last chapter up soon, working on it as we speak. For now, enjoy this!
Every touch always felt new and different, every meeting was risky and exciting, every word was sweet and heartbreaking, and every day got a little easier and a little harder.
It was easy to remind herself that they would see each other again, it was hard to leave him when they were done, it was easy to still feel guilt for what she had done years ago, it was hard to feel sorry about something that felt so good.
Seven years now and the Titans all assumed that Raven was still a virgin, seven years and the Justice League was now seeing more of Slade than the Titans ever had, seven years of secret meetings and lies built on top of lies.
She was beyond lucky that she hadn't been found out… seven years ago.
Raven had worried that Robin would fall into his old obsessions and leave the Titans in order to pursue Slade along with the Justice League. No one could seem to get a track on him, not even Batman, and for a while the League had been asking for Robin's assistance. But the Titans needed him more, he was the center of their family, especially for Raven. Without the Titans she would lose herself and fall completely in the company of Slade, which would be the ultimate betrayal. Luckily Starfire's love for Robin had kept him grounded and focused on the villains within their own city.
Raven shook her head remembering that he now liked to be called Nightwing. It had been about two years of a new costume and name and she still saw him as they were as teenagers.
Raven grabbed a bar of soap and ran it over her wet body. The water was starting to turn cold. It was easy to lose track of time away from the Titans, too easy. She had to be more careful, she had to remember that Robin- no Nightwing- was a detective and could easily find out if he wanted to.
Slade had multiple hide-outs, all of which were easy for her to find. The current one was in Italy. She didn't know the whole story for Slade being in Italy, and she didn't ask. There was a hide-out in Brazil, Germany and China.
Why? Again she didn't care.
She didn't ask about his business and he didn't ask about hers. It wasn't a part of themselves that they touched on, simply because it was a part of each other they didn't agree with.
Besides, how could she help the Titans find Slade without making it apparent that she had been spending so much time with him?
It broke her heart to see her leader never accomplish his goal of capturing Slade, it broke her more that the Justice League was now after him and one day she could possibly never see him again.
It was a strong possibility, all crimes pay their dues sooner or later. One day she would have to pay her own.
She closed her eyes letting out a pained sigh and slipped her head under the water. The silence was relaxing, the water was cool and refreshing and made her feel tranquil.
It was going to end sooner or later, either he would get captured or she would be killed in battle. A whole new brand of villains were springing up and trying to kill the Titans.
Batman came to Titans Tower unexpectedly one day and had informed them all that many villains had agreed that the easiest way to destroy the Justice League was to start with what they considered their weakest allies.
Ever since then there had been more and more violent battles, so crazed and outnumbered that they now looked to the Justice League for help frequently and not every time had been enough. Red Star had been killed during one fight, Kole almost died in another, and Cyborg had to rebuild a whole other body for himself when he was nearly torn to shreds.
Her lungs were starting to burn, she was feeling lightheaded and near the edge of unconsciousness. She was almost thirty-years old and feeling like she was well over a hundred. Her friends were fighting harder than ever and here she was still sneaking off to be with the man they all hated.
Raven felt air suddenly return to her lungs and gasped as she coughed up water from her mouth and blinked rapidly from the stinging in her eyes. She was vaguely aware that a grip was holding her up by her arm.
"What are you doing?"
Raven blinked a few more times to filter the water from her eyes, Slade was the one holding her up and she looked at him embarrassed.
"I must've fallen asleep," she said looking through the water at her naked body. The water hadn't made her feel any cleaner, if anything she just felt more filthy than before which was strange considering it had been years of this ritual. She was use to keeping secrets, use to burying things, it was like second nature to her and yet there was still something very uncomfortable about her and her relationship with him.
He finally let her go, dipping his fingers in to the cold water, "You weren't trying to kill yourself were you?" he said pulling his hand back out and watching the water slowly evaporate from his skin and into the air.
She didn't answer as she drew her knees close to her chest and simply stared ahead into the warped reflection of herself in the tub faucet. Oh how easy that would be, she thought.
Slade released the plug to the drain and let most of the water empty out before refilling it with hot water. Raven watched his movements and soaked in his presence before leaning back, feeling a now permanent knot in her stomach.
The years and alteration of her own emotions had still not her made her forget what he had once done to her, or how much she had once hated him. It was something impossible to erase, it was the reason why they were here.
She knew he still remembered it too, it was hard to know something and forced to feel the opposite of what it was they were truly meant to feel. They were still using each other and playing one large complicated game in order not to go insane and horribly kill each other.
Love was more annoying than hate was. Hate was easy to feel, almost nice and warm to get caught up in. Love would be easier to bask in if they were actually allowed to be together; if they weren't who they were and didn't have to be reminded that it was all fake.
All because of her doing, all because Raven didn't want to end up killing him, when instead she raped his mind and forced him into a new way of life that put them in even more danger than before.
Over the past couple of years Raven had started to feel a new emotion in Slade, all his own, one that most married couples feel towards their spouses… resentment.
He was starting to become angry with her in a whole new way, and she welcomed it bitterly. She deserved it. The knot in her stomach tightened further.
Slade glanced at her solemnly before removing his own clothes and sitting across from her in the tub. Desire quickly fired up in Raven as she bit her lip feverishly, yearning for his touch and the sweet release of pleasure they always achieved in sex.
Slade didn't even have to ask before grabbing her wrists and pulling her body into his. She smiled at him timidly, holding him close and resting her head tiredly against his. He was about to kiss her when her communicator started going off.
Regret immediately washed over her as she struggled against his grip. "I have to go."
He gripped her harder, getting angry. "No stay."
She got angry back finally snatching her arms out of his and getting out of the tub without bothering to dry off. "My friends need me," she said putting her clothes on hurriedly.
Slade clenched his jaw before leaning back into the tub, closing his eye and muttering, "You're friends are worthless."
There was a clip in his tone that sent a chill through her.
She shuddered in fear as she flew as fast as she could back to her friends. Slade no longer had just her to blame anymore, not just her to feel anger towards. He now had her friends within his target again, and she didn't know what to do.
Another bad battle, another dozen injured and hurt. Villains were not meant to be teammates; they couldn't naturally work well with each other.
They were narcissistic, manipulative, and power hungry. So why, as of lately, were they not only working together, but they were doing it well?
Raven couldn't wrap her head around it. It was unnatural for their enemies to have this long success of winning battles.
"Owe shit!" hissed Beastboy as she peeled back his uniform to inspect an injury to his shoulder.
Sometime during their latest battle Beastboy had taken a gunshot to his shoulder. No one had caught sight of who it was, but then again it was impossible with the amount of criminals out today.
Raven had been treating people and heroes for injuries all day and had finally managed to get to her own teammates back at the tower. The battle had ended… for now. Ten members of the Titans injured, two in critical condition and one of its co-founders being shot in the shoulder.
Raven rubbed her eye irritably. She hoped a new plan was being thought of between the League and Nightwing. They wouldn't be able to last with any further losses.
"How are you feeling?" she asked Beastboy as the last of his wound started closing up. He was going to have a scar, but it wasn't anything new as of lately. They were constantly being blindsided and jumped.
"I'm fine," he replied grumpily jerking his shoulder away from her touch. The intensity of the battles had been taking their toll on Beastboy. He was becoming more moody and less care-free. Due to his hostility, Raven had been distancing herself more from him, his emotions were so intense lately that they almost felt directed towards her.
She had to remind herself to be patient with him, just let him feel as he felt and express it the best way he knew how. He didn't have any control or desire to contain his emotions, his anger was just as powerful as his happiness which was why he was the most tiring of her teammates to be around.
"Hopefully whoever shot you will be captured, it's ridiculous that we can't even spot the villains who attack us." Raven tried cutting away the ripped and burned fabric from where he had been shot only to have Beastboy tear off his sleeve all together and throw is across the floor.
Raven shifted her feet uncomfortably. She wanted to reach out to him, comfort him somehow, but didn't know how.
She made a move towards the door. "We should catch up with the others, devise a new strategy tactic or-"
"No."
He gave her a stone cold glare that made her feel like prey to a predator. There was something on his mind, something waiting to explode off his chest and into her face.
Raven felt as though her legs had turned to air, and her heart go heavy. He had something to say to her, and whatever it was, it made her instantly nervous.
"I know Raven."
She inhaled sharply as the room started to spin. She planted her feet firmly to the floor trying to maintain her dignity.
"Know what?" it was a cowardly move, trying to fake denial, but it was a natural reaction for her. Lie, manipulate, conceal, demoralize, degrade.
He stared at floor as he talked. "I just don't understand why? You use to shrink away at the mention of his name. I knew it was because of what he did to you. I saw you become less than who you are, and I wanted to talk to you about it, but do you know how hard it is to talk to you about things?" He looked her in the eyes accusingly, waiting for her to defend herself, but she could not.
She fluttered her eyes faintly, the blood was rushing to her face and leaving the base of her hands and feet. The rush of being exposed was make her knees shake uncontrollably. In her head she was pleading that he wasn't talking about what she thought he was talking about.
"At first I didn't want to believe it, at first I tried to tell myself that it was a mistake, but there's no way I could've forgotten that smell." Raven gulped fearfully as Beastboy rose from the medical table and stood in front of her with his eyes staring down.
Seemed like just yesterday he was still a foot shorter than her and unable to scare a soul, now he was a man and he was confronting her in the worst of crimes.
"Slade's smell… you've been spending more and more time with him and have been getting sloppy at covering up your tracks."
Had she really gotten that careless? She had always been so cautious before, not just because of Nightwing, but also because she knew how powerful Beastboy's animal instincts were. Even in human form Beastboy had the eyes, ears and smell of some powerful species.
Raven tried to say something but she soon realized that she was panting too hard to form a sentence. She was starting to have a panic attack. A cabinet full of medical supplies exploded open, sending various items flying across the room.
Oh God, Oh God, Oh God
Beastboy didn't even flinch or seem to care for the distress her powers were causing. What he wanted was answers, but there wasn't one reasonable enough for her actions.
"Garfield please…" she whined desperately. She wasn't calling out to her teammate, the green changeling, right now she was calling out to her friend, but that seemed to anger him even more.
"Don't, Raven…just tell me why? Tell me what exactly is going on between you two, 'cause whatever it is, it is going to tear us all apart, especially when the Justice League has been searching for him and you've known this entire time where he is."
She looked to him pleadingly, knowing there wasn't an escape. She knew one day this would happen and she could choose to be a coward and run, or for once be honest. She started explaining in such a rush that her words ran over each other in a slurred and jumbled mess.
"Our bond was creating nightmares that were becoming more and more real. They were altering our emotions to the point of violence and insanity. I didn't want to end up killing him, or him killing me, so I…"
Garfield made an expression that made her stomach twist horribly. She needed to vomit
"I altered our emotions and perceptions of each other so we'd end up feeling… the opposite of hate."
His mouth fell open in astonishment. He looked at her like a stranger before grinding his teeth together and interlocking his hands behind his neck and speaking into the floor. "You're in love with him."
She let out a small puff of air before stopping herself from saying yes. "Not technically."
He snapped at her, "What the fuck does 'not technically' mean?"
She tried defending herself, raising her voice despite her will. She just needed him to understand. "It's all a trick of the mind, do you honestly think I'd ever choose or want to fall in love with a man like Slade?"
He shoved past her not wanting to be near or close to her anymore, he started walking down the halls furiously as Raven chased after him.
"I didn't want to kill him, I didn't want you guys to know what was happening, it would've made you sick!"
He whipped back around, this time grabbing her arm firmly and holding her close to his face, shouting. "Sick! You want to talk about sick? What you did was sick Raven, what you're doing is sick. How could you do this to us?"
He let go of her arm with a small shove and sighed heavily. Of all the times she had hurt his feelings or made him feel bad about himself, nothing compared to how she made him feel now. Right now he distrusted and even hated her a little.
Her betrayal made Terra's seem insignificant in the weight of emotion he was projecting now.
She was at a loss for words as she rubbed her arm tenderly and stood in front of him like a child. He only looked at her disappointed and shook his head. "I just… I can't help but question your motives Raven."
Again she felt a frantic need to save herself as she continued to yell at him hysterically. "My motives? Garfield I did this for you, I sacrificed so much of myself, for the love I feel for this family."
Her dramatics weren't helping her win him over.
"We never would've asked you to Raven." He muttered knowingly. "After all these years after all this time, and after everything we've done for you, you still hide from us. You never came to us and told us what was happening to you, when you know we would've helped you find another way."
He shrugged his shoulders at her, letting her know that there was nothing she could do to fix this. She had messed up in the worst way possible and there would be no forgiveness or second chances.
"I was ashamed of what was happening Garfield… The dreams…they were so vile." She chocked back a sob as a stream of tears came rushing down her face. Too late, too late, she kept repeating in her head as she continued to choke on her sobs.
Again he dismissed her answer. "We wouldn't have thought any less of you."
"There was no other way!"
"Whatever." He turned to walk away from her, this time she grabbed his arm and forced him to look at her.
"No you listen to me! What I did for this family and what I feel for this family will never change. I will always choose you over him, I am with you guys forever."
Garfield's face hardened as he shook her off his arm. "Except when you're with him, you did something that would forever trap you to him. How was this the better option?"
"You are turning this into something it's not. It's not real! I'm not truly in love with him. It's fake." She yelled feeling as though she couldn't make that point any clearer. He didn't understand. How could he? How would anyone?
He rolled his eyes and looked at her disbelievingly. "How can you know that anymore? How can any of us know whose side you're on anymore Raven? How do you know that this hasn't gotten the best of you?" She bit her lip hard. She didn't know anymore, she hadn't know for awhile now what was truly real, telling herself so didn't make it anymore clear. "I can't keep doing this Raven, I won't be able to keep this secret forever."
A threatening anger rose inside her as she spoke. "You can't tell them Garfield."
He scoffed and looked at her pitifully. "I don't need to tell them, sooner or later they're going to find out and then you really will lose everyone you've ever cared about."
She had just lost him, she had lost him for good. And he was not worth Slade. "I did it for you," she called out to him as he walked away for good.
"No Raven… you did it for yourself," he whispered back distantly.
There had been a dream, a new dream, a dream that was not another dream. A dream uninhibited in any tainted magic. A dream entirely its own and made from many nights fantasizing and wondering.
"You know why I'm here Slade. You know what you've been doing to me each and every night."
He glared at her menacingly. "You should get out now before I decide to kill you." His fist rolled up into a tight ball, the veins in his arms rose and his muscles bulged. Raven could sense resistance, she didn't need her powers to know his every emotion, being so close to him made her perfectly in tuned with him.
Yet she didn't listen she tried to talk to him and he did just as he warned… he killed her.
What an amazing story with little explanation. A Titan goes missing for days, then weeks, then just a little over a month, then finally they find her body in an abandoned mansion with marble floors and walls. She's laid out in front of the fireplace, half naked, and beaten to a pulp.
There is a black stone in the middle of her forehead that has been smashed to pieces. Some fragments stick to the base of her skull, caked in blood, other fragments lay across the floor with remainders of her cloak, leotard and underwear.
No one understands, no one knows why.
Why did Raven choose to confront Slade? Why did she go alone? Why did she go powerless? And why did Slade kill her as violently as he did?
The only thing they did know was that Slade had done it. Slade had done this and he was trying to run. Run far away, from being caught, from being questioned, but mostly for killing the one person who had haunted him most.
The one person he would've eventually sought to kill and demoralize, and for reasons no one on this earth would possibly understand or believe.
There was no answer he could give that any of the Titans would believe to be the truth. Even if Raven had somehow survived his attack, her explanation would be just as flabbergasting.
He didn't know if there could've been a way to stop it, he didn't want to know. He just wanted to kill Raven hoping that would stop the dreams. But it hadn't. He still dreamed of her each night and each night was the same blood curdling screams she made when he attacked and forced himself on her. He thought if he rid himself of the desire it would stop… but it didn't.
Each night he was reminded that not only did he rape a girl, but that he had drawn in out, all when he had known she had no way to defend or save herself.
Had she came to see him to offer him a solution, a way out, a bargain to take his life? He hadn't waited to find out. Instead he decided to let all his rage and inner turmoil take over him, all the anger he had for being attached to the demon half-breed.
Her friends would mourn her, and be forever haunted by the images of her laying dead in Slade's home without the ability to defend herself.
Slade would eventually go mad and kill himself.
It was such a nice dream.
A fantasy of the way things could've gone the night she confronted Slade, the way things should've gone that night.
Sure it sounded brutal, sounded morbid and depressing, but Raven would give anything to be dead right now.
She didn't know if the dream and the longing had come from her own regret, or Slade's ever growing resentment, or a little of both. But either way the damage had been done.
She had laughingly thought of Romeo and Juliet both killing themselves in the name of love. Her and Slade could do so and everything would be fine, but it was a joke of a lie she toyed with in her twisted mind.
The both of them being dead would not solve anything. One of her team mates already knew, the rest would find out soon, the Justice League would never get the benefit of putting a villain away behind bars and the rest of the world would be just as shocked and disgusted.
"It's not ok anymore."
"It never was to begin with," he said pointedly sitting next to her just as exhausted and drained. Were they dreaming? She still couldn't always tell.
It was hot and humid. They were sitting on desert rock, the heat burning into her skin. Another hide-away? She looked out to blinding sunlight touching rock, cactus and dirt. The middle of nowhere. Perhaps it was another dream.
"I thought it would be different, I didn't think…" Her words trailed off as a raven flew over head and landed directly in front of her and Slade.
She felt an uncomfortable sinking in her heart as the birds red eyes stared at her.
"No you didn't think," Slade retorted completely ignoring the bird.
She bit her lip nervously. It was a sign, something bad was going to happen.
"The worst has already happened my dear."
Was he reading her mind now? The raven flew off making one last cry as it disappeared. She shifted restlessly against the strength of the heat. It was too hot.
"I wanted to save us both, I wanted prove my pacifism was who I was and what I believed in most."
He chuckled at her statement as though it were a joke.
"What?" she asked offended. "You think I didn't do this with the best of intentions?"
He scoffed and rolled his eyes at her. "You did it for the most selfish of reasons. Your natural instincts and purpose was to be rid of your father, in which you succeeded, however I remained on this earth as an extension of him. Naturally you'd want to kill me"
He paused to pull out a canteen full of water to take a drink. He offered it to her but she denied it with a shake of her head. He went back to explaining his point as she continued to sit there numbly.
"But you chose love. Not love for me." She looked at him regretfully. 'Love for your family. Love for the lie you had created for yourself that allowed you to live life as a hero rather than the daughter of a devil."
He said it with such cruelness she nearly felt the need to cry. It was so easy for him to hurt her feelings now that they were in this mess.
"And yet you still failed," he said with another chuckle. He was openly criticizing her now. "You still managed to do one of the most evil acts to another, all in the effort to save your humanity."
Her anger swelled fiercely as she looked at him dangerously. "I know all this," she replied lowly. "You'd be wise to remember that I also chose not to kill you instead."
He arched an eyebrow at her. "Well aren't I lucky? Exactly at what point did I get a choice in the matter?"
She pinched her lips together stubbornly. It wasn't as though she could argue with that statement. She looked at him again, his back facing her. She wished she could read his face, hell she wished she could stop dreaming all together.
The wind began picking up and sent stinging sand flying into her. She didn't move or even flinch. Neither did Slade as he continued to look out at nothing. They were stuck at a crossroads. Something had to give and it had to give soon or else they'd both end up losing what they wanted.
She blinked and was in her room again. Unchanged, and yet something was about to change.
She sighed with a great ache in her heart and swallowed thickly. Soon, there would be no more dreams…for one of them.
