"It's hard to see me with Naya?" I asked confused. Lea stood up and started pacing around in front of the coffee table. "Lea, you can't say something like that and then just stop talking. What do you mean it's hard to see me with Naya?"
She wouldn't say anything. She just kept pacing and crying and staring at the ground. I stood up and walked over to her. I grabbed her shoulders and made her stop walking. "Lea, talk to me please!"
She shook her head and began sobbing harder.
"What do you mean? Because we're friends? Are you threatened by our friendship? You don't have to be. You are still my best friend."
She shook her head no, "No, it's not that."
"What is it then? I can't fix it if I don't know whats wrong." I wiped her face.
"You guys are more than friends..."
"We're not."
"Yes you are." She broke away from me and sat on the couch. "Friends don't...they don't make out...they don't kiss all the time...and they sure as hell don't..."
"Lea, I told you that nothing happened. Things started to get carried away, yes, but that...that did not happen!"
She put her head down in her lap. I sat on the coffee table in front of her. "Honey, you are going to have to help me understand what is going on here. Naya and I have been like this for a long time. Why is it bothering you so much now?"
"I know."
"Okay, so what gives? Why is this upsetting you so much?"
"I don't know! It never used to. I thought it was good that you had someone to have that affection with. And then it slowly started to bother me. It was like eating away at me, but I would just laugh. I wanted to just pretend like it was nothing. I didn't want you to be unhappy or lonely and I couldn't give you what she was giving you. I tried to make my peace with it...and then we kissed." Lea looked at me and those deep brown eyes felt like they were looking right through me.
"And..." Where was she going with this? I was beyond nervous at this point.
"And...I felt something." Before I could reply Lea stood up and started pacing again. She drives me crazy when she is like this.
"What did you feel?" I focused on the wall behind her. I had to keep myself from falling over. Could this actually be happening right now? I have been waiting for this for so long. No. There is no way she wants what I want.
"I don't know. I just felt something. Something more than I should be feeling for you. For my best friend." Lea stopped walking and stood in front of me. "I thought that you felt it too and when I went home that night I don't think I slept for a minute. I stopped myself from calling you a dozen times. I was dying to know if you felt what I felt. I never heard from you though. So, I decided that I was going to talk to you the next morning but when I got to work Kev told me what had happened...or what he thought had happened...between you and Naya and I just...I just...couldn't face you."
"Lea..." I felt a tear roll down my face. "I did. I did feel something. When I kissed you all of a sudden it just felt right. It was like why haven't we been doing this all along."
"Exactly, that's how I felt too."
"So, what does this mean?" I couldn't believe it! Was she actually feeling the way that I felt.
"I don't know..." Lea threw her hands up in the air. "I don't know. I mean there was so many things that go into it. Was it the alcohol? Was it that I was just jealous of Naya? Was it the fun of all of us hanging out? Was it..."
I didn't let her finish I grabbed her and kissed her. I had to find out for myself if this is real. If these feelings are what I think they are. I needed to know. I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her with more passion then I have ever kissed anyone. I felt her melt into me and she placed her hands around my neck. Our tongues touched and there was that feeling again. My entire body went numb and I knew this is what I wanted. This is where I belong. In her arms. Kissing her. Loving her.
I was the first one to pull back and I gazed into her eyes. Those warm beautiful eyes that I never fully appreciated until now. "I'm sorry Lea..I just had to..."
"Don't apologize." This time she grabbed me and kissed me again. I have never felt more alive than I do in this moment. Our kiss ended too soon and we made eye contact again.
"My god." Lea said as she shook her head and sat down.
I laughed and sat down across from her. "What?"
"That...that was..." Lea sighed.
"Amazing?"
"Better." Lea smiled.
We sat in silence for at least an hour. I would giggle quietly as Lea would occasionally run her fingers over her lips and sigh. My thinking of what was to come was stopped when I heard my phone ring. I hopped off of the couch and ran for my phone on the kitchen table. I looked down and smiled when I saw it was Kevin. He has some explaining to do about running that yappy little mouth of his.
"Hello."
"Hey girl hey," Kev said.
I laughed, "Hey blabber mouth."
"What? Don't be a hater."
"I'm not. I'm just curious as to why you thought it was necessary to run around telling everybody my business." I smirked. I loved giving him hell.
"I'm sorry Di! But in my defense you guys did not run out to stop me or tell me to be quiet. You were obviously content with what you were doing and you didn't feel the need to explain."
I decided I didn't want to get into it with him so I just laughed and asked, "So, whats up?"
"Well, I was calling to let you know that you're little bed buddy is having a get together tonight. She said it's just food and games. Nobody is up to drinking after last night. So what time can we expect you?"
"I...I don't know..." I replied as I looked over at Lea who dramatically had her face down in a pillow.
"What do you mean you don't know? Come on now! Nobody has to be on set until four o clock tomorrow remember? What could possibly be more entertaining than us and Pictureka?" He laughed.
"Nothing, I'm sure. Um, yeah...I'll be over just not sure what time, okay?"
"Okay, sounds good. Oh and have you heard from Lea? We can't get a hold of her."
"Yeah, actually, I'm sure she will be with me okay?"
"Alright babe see you later" Kev hung up and I walked back out to the living room.
"So are we going to talk about this or are you going to make out with the pillow instead?"
I heard Lea laugh that deep belly laugh of hers as she sat up on her knees. "I honestly don't know what to say Di."
"Well, that makes two of us." I said as I sat down on the couch next to her and placed my hand on her thigh. "You know, we don't have to figure this all out right now. We can just let it be and see what happens."
" I don't know. I'm not good at just letting things be," she smiled at me.
"I know. I know you're not. But, unless you have a solution I really don't know what else to say. This whole thing is very overwhelming." I had a solution. I wanted her. All of her. I wanted her to be with me and love me the way that I love her. I didn't want to bother her with all of my feelings right now. I don't want to scare her or overwhelm her even more. I don't want to take the chance of never being able to be with the only one that I want to be with just because I pushed.
"I know. I don't know what to make of all of this. I mean I felt things...strong things...when we kissed. But, you're my best friend. I love you...a lot. I just don't know what to do about it right now."
"You know what we do?"
Lea tilted her head and smiled that smile at me, "hmm?"
"We go to Naya's, who is OUR friend, and we play games with our other friends and laugh and relax. Maybe if we get out and clear our heads for a little while by the time we get back here tonight we can talk things out?"
"Sounds like a plan. I want to go get my car first though. I just don't want to leave it at the lot over night and I want to be to leave in the morning and stop by the house to change before heading to work."
After getting Lea's car from the set we headed over to Naya's. I'm glad we drove separate because it gave me a chance to try and clear my head. There are so many things we need to talk about. Is this something that we both want to pursue? Is she willing to stop seeing Cory? Oh man. Cory. How awkward would that be at work. Would it split our group up? I don't want to lose any of my friends. My mind was running a million miles a minute and I was relieved when we pulled into Naya's driveway.
We walked into the house to find Heather and Harry practicing some flips in the living room. Kev and Chord were sitting at the table flicking paper footballs at each other and Darren was laying on the couch messing with his phone.
"Ladies, so happy you could join us!" Darren said when he noticed us and walked over to kiss our cheeks.
"Hey guys!" Lea smiled as she walked out to the kitchen where Naya was standing over the stove. "Whatcha making?"
"Hey girl, just making up a few appetizers for this spectacular game night we are about to have!"
I took a seat at the table and immediately had two paper footballs thrown in my face. "Would you stop it and get me a drink!" I laughed and yelled at Kevin. "You owe me!"
Kevin started laughing, "Yeah, yeah...what do you want?"
"Just a water would be perfect love." I replied as I threw a football back at Chord.
Lea came over and sat down next to me. "One for me too please?" She said sweetly back to Kevin. We had both fixed ourselves up hoping none of our friends would notice we had been crying. She let her hand fall under the table and I felt the familiar warmth on my leg. She squeezed my thigh tightly and I placed my hand on top of hers.
"So, where's that boy of yours?" Naya asked Lea as she brought queso and chips to the table.
"Oh, um..." Lea pulled her hand away. "He is at home..I guess. I don't know we had a fight."
"Oh, I'm sorry hun." Naya replied. "You okay?"
"Yeah." Lea shook her head. "Yeah, totally. I think we just need a little time apart. We have been spending a lot of time together lately."
"Yeah, well that's good. I'm glad everything is okay." Naya smiled at her. "And how are you tonight?" Naya smiled and looked at me.
"I'm good." I said short and sweet because I noticed Lea started shaking her foot. She does that when she is anxious.
"Headache from hell?" Naya laughed.
"No, not too bad." I smiled.
"Well that's surprising! You were wasted last night girl!" Harry laughed from the living room. Heather ran over when she noticed the food on the table and sat on Naya's lap to get a closer seat.
"Yeah...I know."
"No like, seriously Di, you were so drunk." Chord laughed.
"Damn, sounds like I missed a good night!" Darren laughed as he pulled a chair to the table.
"Oh yeah," Kevin said, "and the best part was Dianna and Naya graduated from make out buddies to hump buddies!"
"WHAT?" Heather smiled and shrieked as she flew off of Naya's lap.
"Oh god." Naya put her head in her hands.
"OH yeah." Kevin laughed. "They are officially friends with benefits!" Everyone started laughing. Everyone except Lea.
"I've got to make a phone call really quick." Lea said as she stood up.
I stood up and grabbed her arm, "Don't go. Are you okay?" I whispered.
"Yeah," Lea noticed everyone was staring at us. "I'm fine," she smiled, "I promise. I just remembered I have a phone call to make. Be back in a minute."
"Okay" I smiled at her and watched her walk outside. "Well now that we all learned Kevin can't keep his mouth shut!" I laughed.
"Hey, I'm not the one all nekkid with my friend."
"Seriously? Naked? Oh my god. I'm going to have a heart attack!" Heather laughed.
"Well of course they were naked. They were getting all freaky." Kevin laughed.
"We were not!" Naya chimed in. "Well...I was trying to get my mack on but you just had to bust in and ruin it."
"So... you were actually doing it?" Chord said bug eyed.
"No, as I just said, I was trying to but B over here just had to barge in and kill the mood."
Kevin looked shocked. "Oh, damn guys I'm sorry. When you guys never came back out I figured you were like doing it all night." He chuckled.
"No, sadly," Naya smiled at me, "sweet cheeks and I never got it going again. And now, I may never now what it would feel like to be all up on that." Naya winked at me.
"Oh yes you can!" Heather squealed. "Go! Go do it!"
Naya started laughing, "Are you crazy?"
"Yeah, DO IT DO IT!" Heather started jumping up and down. I could only sit there and laugh. My friends are insane.
"DO IT! DO IT!" Now they were all chanting like we were in eight grade playing spin the bottle or something.
"Really guys?" I laughed.
Naya stood up and walked all "Santana" like over to me. "Can you believe these guys?" She straddled me. "I mean...they are all a bunch of big talkers but I know if I started putting the moves on you they wouldn't know what to do."
"We'd be too busy drooling!" Heather smiled. Everyone started laughing and I just shook my head.
"What do ya say Agron? Wanna make our friends speechless...for once!" Naya laughed.
"I..." Before I could get any more out Naya kissed me. I panicked in my head. I didn't want this. Not now. I was reaching up to pull her away when I heard the front door slam.
"Oh, I guess I missed something." I heard Lea's voice, trembling.
I quickly pulled Naya off of me and stood up. "No, you didn't. Everyone was just being silly." I walked over to her. "I am so sorry." I whispered.
"It's...okay. I think I need to go."
"Please don't."
"I'm sorry Di." Lea said as she turned around and walked out.
I felt my heart sink into my stomach.
"Everything okay? What happened?" I heard Heather ask.
I just stood there staring at the door and watched Lea drive away. I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Di, I am so sorry." Naya said. I didn't even have to tell her what happened. She already knew.
Naya and I migrated our way out to her patio as the others sat inside playing games. Nobody questioned anymore about what was going on. They all knew they would find out eventually and I think they could sense that I wasn't in the mood to explain.
"So, did you guys talk about everything?" Naya asked.
"Well, not really, but we kissed again."
"Oh yeah? How was that?"
"Just as amazing as it was the first time." I replied.
"And what did Lea have to say?"
"Not much. She said it was amazing too. She said she was having feelings about me that were confusing. And that was it. That was all that was said."
"How could you guys just leave it at that?"
"I don't know. I didn't want to rush her. I know how I feel, at least most of the time I do, but I don't want to push her into anything or scare her away. We decided to come hang out over here and relax. We wanted to try to clear our minds and then talk when we got back to my place tonight."
"Shit. I am so sorry Di. I had no idea. I was just goofing around in there. If I had known I would have never..."
"It's okay Nay. You had no way of knowing. Don't worry about it."
"Well. Still." Naya paused. "So, what are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking...I want to be with her. I'm thinking that I have wanted to be with her for a long time. I'm thinking how angry I am that I didn't realize it before she got with Cory. And I'm thinking...that I ...I might be in love with her." I felt a smile force its way onto my face.
Naya was grinning ear to ear, "okay, then I just have one more question..." I looked over at her. "Why are you sitting here with me?"
Oh my god. She was right. Who knows where Lea is. What is she thinking? Is she crying? Did I hurt her? Of course I hurt her. Why am I not chasing after her? I jumped up and started to run towards the front yard to get into my car. "Thanks Nay!" I called out. I opened the gate and started running down the driveway when I looked up to see Lea standing at my car. I stopped running and stared at her. She had been crying again.
"Hi..." She said quietly. I walked up to her and stopped right in front of her.
"Hi..." I replied. "Look about what happened in there..."
"Don't." Lea looked at me. "You don't have to explain. I have no right getting upset about that."
"But, you do. After what happened tonight between us. You do."
"Well, I don't though. We haven't decided anything. I mean we don't even know what we want."
"But I do." I replied. "I do know what I want." I decided to take a chance. I figure her waiting for me at my car was a sign. It was time to step up and take the risk. No more playing it safe.
"What is that?" Lea looked down.
"I want you Lea." Her head shot up and she made eye contact with me. Wow, those eyes. "I want to be with you. I don't just want to be your friend. Not anymore. I want so much more than that."
"How long have you felt like that?"
"I don't really know. If I really stop and think about it I think I have wanted it for a long time. I think I confused the love I had for you. I told myself that I loved you just like I love all of my friends. That's not the case though. It's different with you. You're different. The way that I love you, the way that you make me feel, it's different."
Lea just stood there. She didn't say anything. She continued to stare at me. It was like she was trying to read my mind.
"Say something Lea..."
"I don't know what to say." She replied finally breaking eye contact and looking towards the house. "I mean two days ago you were just my friend. I knew in my head that you were just my friend. I knew that no matter what I felt sometimes that we were just friends. And now...now...you're telling me that you love me...that you want to be with me...and I just I don't know what to say."
"Well, you can start by telling me how you feel."
Lea took a deep breath. "I feel...very...confused."
That was not what I wanted to hear. I don't want to push her though. This was all happening very fast.
"I love you Dianna, you know that. I love you so much. And the way I felt when I kissed you...I...I just can't even describe how amazing I feel when we kiss. But," Lea looked down.
"But what?"
"But there's so many things that I need to figure out. I need to figure out what this all means to me. I need to figure out what I want to do. I've been so confused for so long."
"Is that what you were talking about on tour? We're you confused about us?"
Lea nodded. "I was. I didn't know how to tell you. The first time you and Naya made out it didn't bother me. We were all so drunk but then when we were on tour and sober and you guys continued to make out...a lot...I started getting really upset about it. I remember going back to the bus one night furious and not knowing why. That's why Cory and I started fighting. He asked me why I was so angry over you two kissing and I couldn't answer him. I didn't know at first. I just knew that a part of me was hurting every time I saw you with her. It was all so confusing. Hell, it still is."
I took a deep breath. This was a lot to take in. Talk about being confused. I just found out that the girl I am in love with, wow that's crazy to say, has had feelings for me, of some kind, for months now.
"Okay, now it's your turn to say something." Lea said quietly.
"I want you to take your time. I want you to figure out what you want."
"I don't know how long that will take. That is not fair to you."
"No, being completely ruled out without you thinking things through...that would be unfair to me. I don't care how long it takes. I just need to know that there is a possibility you could love me, the way that I love you." I replied as I kissed her forehead.
Another tear rolled down Lea's cheek and her eyes were closed as I stood back. I let her sit there for a moment. I just held her hand. I was willing to wait. I was willing to do anything except give up on us.
"Okay..." I sighed after a few minutes and stood next to her. "So, do you want to go back in there?"
"No, I am just so exhausted. Can we go back to your place?"
"Of course." I replied. "You still have your key right?" Lea nodded. "Okay, then head on back I will go tell everybody bye and I will be there soon."
Lea smiled at me and got into her car as I headed back inside. When I walked through the door Naya looked up.
"Hey," she said with a very confused look on her face.
"Hey guys, sorry but Lea and I are going to bail. She is having a rough night and we are just going to go relax."
"Aww, okay." Heather said as she ran up and hugged me. "Have fun! See you tomorrow"
Naya walked up and hugged me, "Are you okay?" she whispered in my ear.
I nodded, "I will text you later okay?"
Naya smiled at me and I headed back to my car.
I walked in the house to see Lea cuddled on the couch with Arthur. She was laying in a pair of my boxers and one of my tank tops. Those legs. This was going to be challenging. It was one thing when she was in her skirts, shorts, and little dresses around me when I had to hide how I felt about her or when I could be affectionate without her thinking anything of it, but now. Now, I'm going to have to remember that she is confused and worried about things and watching drool all over her is probably not the best idea. Then again, this is Lea, she usually loves people drooling all over her.
"Hey," she smiled and sat up.
"Hey," I said as I sat down on the couch next to her tossing my keys and phone on the coffee table.
"What did you tell the guys?"
"Oh, I just said we were going to relax. Nobody thought twice about it."
"Okay, good."
"So, what do you want to do?"
"I don't care."
"Hmmm, well, I don't either but here," I said as I threw a blanket over her legs.
Lea laughed, "What did you do that for?"
"Because, if I keep looking at those legs...I'm going to jump on you."
Lea started laughing harder. "Oh really?"
"Yes. So you just stay under that blanket okay?"
Lea nodded. "Have you always liked my legs?"
I looked up to see her grinning at me. "Well, I've always thought you were gorgeous, you know that, but I'm definitely appreciating your body more now."
"It's so odd isn't it? I mean how quickly feelings can change. I remember that I too always thought you were just stunning but I never looked at you and found myself wanting to be with you...you know like that...even on tour when I was confused. I didn't know why I was angry over you two. I never thought about another woman the way I have been thinking about you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I mean I have always thought women were attractive and such but I never pictured myself actually wanting to be sexual with another woman. Then when I would see you two together I would start to imagine you with me. When I realized that it wasn't going to happen I became so angry. And jealous. Oh my, so jealous." Lea laughed.
I had to admit this was boosting my ego a little bit. "Jealous? Lea Michele, jealous? I find that hard to believe."
"It's true. I would see you looking at her and touching her...in ways that you had never touched me before...and it killed me. I wondered what was wrong with me that you didn't want those things with me."
"Oh Lea. Honey, I had no idea it was something that you would have wanted. Naya made the move on me babe. I just went with it. I only went with it because I thought there was no way I was ever going to be able to be with you. You have to believe me though when I say that yes, Naya is gorgeous and the things we did together were amazing..." Lea rolled her eyes. "BUT, I never felt with her what I feel with you. With her it was just fun. With you," I paused. I didn't want to push things. "It's just different."
"Good different?"
"Incredible different." I smiled at her. "You know whats funny. Naya told me that she has thought there was more feelings between us than we had let on. She said that when she watches us together we look like we are in love."
"That's what Cory said."
"And the fans have been saying it for a long time."
"I know. It's like they all saw something that we didn't see."
"Yeah. It's like we were blind about it but apparently it was so obvious to everyone else." I replied as I watched her twirl our ring around her finger.
"I mean, in my head, we were just really close. We held hands, we hugged, but we were best friends. I didn't see what the big deal was when people would go on and on with their assumptions about us being in love with each other. Now, though, I'm just thinking we were the ones living in a fantasy world. Have we had these feelings for a long time and just didn't realize it?"
"Or maybe we just didn't want to. It's safer to just be friends. It's safer to just blame the affection, the love, the relationship on just being really good friends."
"Yeah, that's true." Lea reached over and took my hand into hers. "I mean it is a lot safer to just pretend like nothing ever happened. Push our feelings to the side and continue just being friends."
"I know. Safe is good. I don't want things to get messy. I don't want to lose anybody. I can't handle the thought of something happening between us to ruin our friendship. There are huge risks involved with us figuring out what we want."
"I know. Huge risks." Lea leaned her head back on the back of the couch.
"So, maybe we should just forget about all of this. Our feelings. Just go back to how we used to be. Just play it safe." I wanted to test her. I wanted to see how she reacted when I said things like this.
Lea turned her face towards mine. "I don't want to play it safe anymore Di."
