A.N: Well… after a long pause, this story is being updated… again. There are two cameos in this chapter, but only one is noted. The LCH (lighting crew head) is the Orange of Doom, because she hit me. and the browniechild is the Déjà Vu Cat, because she reviewed four times. Oh and halfway through this, I switched from asterisks setting off character actions to brackets, like a real script. Hope it just bothers the hell out of you. I also decided not to give replies because, let's face it, that was how many months ago? I hope that pisses you off, too.
D.C: now matter how many times I've told Tinkerbell that I want the Matrix, she still won't get it for me. And d'ya know what else? Even Santa wouldn't give it to me for Christmas. I'm feeling a little down, so you all just read the story without me, okay?
The Matrix Rewritten
Chapters 5 and 6 on the DVD, or Scene Three
Willy the Alarm Clock: Beep! Beep! Get the hell up, you stupid prat! It's 9:18! You've overslept! Again! GET UP DAMMIT!!!
Neo: *wakes up and looks at clock* Aw, shit. *smacks Willy*
Willy: ow, dammit!
Neo: Shit, shit!
[Cut to office building 'CoppertopSoft'. Window wipers 'Mack' and 'Zee' are being cruelly forced to squeegee the window outside the office of Mr. Rhinestone, corporate poophead extraordinaire who is lecturing Neo, who is in a suit.]
Mack: SQUUUUEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAK
Zee: SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAK!!
Mr. Rhinestone, after typing evilly: *sighs, taps fingers* You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson.
Neo: *looks at feet and pretends to be sorry*
Mr. Rhinestone: You believe that you are special, that--Oh for Christ's sake! This is just too much bloody foreshadowing.
Larry: Say it or you choose to find another movie!
Mr. Rhinestone: Youbelievethatyouarespecial, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously, that's what this whole movie is about, and right now, you are wrong. But later--
Andy: Enough! You're fired!
Two fleas: You're fired! Fired! You're fired!
Neo: o.O
New Mr. Rhinestone, who looks like Choi in a suit: Now this is one pretty sweet office. Albeit a boring, blank office, but a nice office none-the-less. I mean, check out these windows! And whoa, they're being cleaned! I don't have to clean the window!
Zee: SQUEAK!! SQUEAK!!
Mack: Squeak, squeak, squeak! Squeak, squeak! Squeak! Squeakin!
Larry: The *cough* script *cough*
Mr. Rhinestone-Choi: This is a major software company. It is very respected. Blah, blah, blah, some more corporate bs, and here we go! More foreshadowing! The time has come for you to make a choice, Mr. Anderson. Either you choose to be at your desk, one time, from this day forth, or you can choose to find yourself another job!
Andy: Okay cut! Just read the flippin' script. There's no need to comment on it.
Mr. Rhinestone-Choi: This company is one of the top software companies in the world. Well, damn, Neo! This is pretty tight! Can you get me some copies of some of these programs?
Larry: That's it! You're fired!
Mr. Rhinestone-Choi: Again?
Andy: Were you fired before?
Mr. Rhinestone-Choi: I must have been, cuz I've had no other scenes up until this point.
Larry: You twit! This is only the next scene!
Andy: You're so dumb. Get off my set!
Larry: It's my set, too!
Andy: I made up the whole Matrix concept!
Larry: No you didn't!
Andy: I did too! I was in the bathtub playing with an old sour cream container and Wolverine!
Larry: Na-uh! I made it up when I was playing outside with a tulip and a ladybug and a fake cockroach!
Joel Silver: Uh, guys? Whose going to be Mr. Rhinestone now?
Andy: I dunno. Ask the creepy bald dude.
Silver: Which one?
Larry: The one with the funky goatee.
Silver: You! Funky goatee man! You're the new ceo.
Cypher: A-right! *jumps into office chair* Kay, now- *leans back and puts feet on desk*
Larry: Cut! No! Feet DOWN!
Cypher: No.
Andy: FIRED!
Two fleas: YOU'RE FIRED!!!! FIRED!!! HAhahahaha!
Neo: o.O My feet hurt... *whines*
Larry: Fine. SMITH!
Andy: No. That'd be too weird.
Larry: You're right. It would be. NEVERMIND!
Andy: Let's just use the scene with that weird fellow.
Larry: Yeah...
Mr. Rhinestone-Choi, who has reappeared to say one more line: Do I make myself clear?
Neo: *saucily* Crystal. *winks and leaves*
[Cut to scene.. Neo is at his cubicle, with the computer off. He is staring at a blank screen. A FedEx guy walks up with a package.]
FedEx guy: Thomas Anderson?
Neo: [looks up] Yeah, that's me, unfortunately.
FedEx guy: Kay... [hands Neo a clipboard]
[Neo signs clipboard with his left hand]
Larry: CUT!
Neo: what?
Larry: You just signed Keanu Reeves!
Neo: So?
Larry: You have to sign, "Thomas Anderson"
Neo: But WHY?
Lighting Crew Head (Orange of Doom): DRAMATIC CONVENTION!!!
Larry: No, because if you don't your hand movements will be noticeably different.
Andy: Really?
Larry: I don't know.
Andy: Oh.
Fed Ex guy: Uhm, people... I still have several deliveries to get to...
Andy: Whatever, just re-sign it, Reeves.
Neo: [signs paper 'Thomas Anderson']
FedEx guy: Thanks. Here's your package, and have a nice day! [FedEx guy leaves, Neo glares after him]
[After making sure that the FedEx guy is gone, he opens the package and dumps phone, 'Jimbo' into his hand.]
'Jimbo': [rings]
Neo [startled]: [nervously puts phone to ear] Heh-hello?
Larry: ANSWER IT FIRST!!
Neo: [answers phone] Heh-hello?
Person on line: Hello, Neo. Do you know who this is?
Neo [awed]: Morpheus!
Morpheus: Yezzzzzz. I've been looking for you, Neo. I don't know if you're ready to see what--Oh for Christ's sake! This is just too damn cryptic. Anyways, there's a bunch of guys at the elevator and they're going to arrest you if you don't do exactly what I say, when I say it.
Neo: Okay.
Morpheus: They're coming for you, Neo, and I don't know what they're going to do.
Neo: Who's coming for me?
Morpheus: Well you could grow up and be a big boy and look at the elevators yourself, hn?
Neo: I don't wanna grow up. [as if realising] I don't wanna grow up, I just wanna be a Toys 'R' Us kid!
LCH: Improper grammar ingrained in the youth....
Morpheus: Stand up, dammit!
Neo: You just said a bad word.
Larry: STAND UP!
Neo: Yes sir. [Neo stands up, sees three eerily identical men turn their heads toward him, and ducks.] Oh shit!
Morpheus: Yezzzzzzz. Now look who said a bad word.
Neo: Shut up, you said it first.
[Cut to scene:--
Morpheus: You still said it, and besides
[Cut to scene:---
Neo: So? You said one first
[Cut to scene: Agents and cops are walking menacingly to Neo's cubicle.]
[Cut to scene: Aerial view of Neo's pristine cubicle. The computer is still off. Neo is pacing around like a madman]
Neo: What the hell do they want from me?
Morpheus: How the hell should I know? Do I sound like God to you?
Neo: Well, you sent me a phone that rang the minute I took it out of the package, and then you told me these guys were coming after me--
Morpheus: Well I'm not God and if you don't want to find out what they want from you, I suggest you do whatever I say!
Neo: I gotta get out! I'm trapped! Trapped like a rat! [bangs on cubicle like a woodpecker] Trapped! Trapped, trapped! Trapped like a rat! [bangs on cubicle like a woodpecker]
Morpheus: Quit drawing attention to yourself, dummy. I can guide you, but you must do exactly as I say.
Neo: Okay!
Morpheus: The cubicle across from you is empty.
[Cut to scene: Agent Smith (remember him?) makes a dramatic notion as he motions for the police to go the other way, while he and the other two agents (Brown and Jones, if you so recall) go in the other.
[Cut to scene: Neo is crouching near the entrance to his cubicle.]
Neo [freaked out]: What if-what if they--
Morpheus: Go. NOW.
[Cut to scene: the row between Neo's cubicle and the other cubicle. Neo leaps to other cubicle just before Smith rounds the corner, looking menacing, followed by Brown looking bored, and Jones looking dramatic.]
[Cut to scene: under a desk. Neo is being paranoid and switches the phone to his left hand.]
[Cut to scene: Neo's cubicle looking out. Smith is unsurprised, Jones is dramatic, Brown is invisible. Police officers are being inattentive. Déjà vu cat walks across bottom of screen.]
[Cut to scene: back under the desk.]
Morpheus: Stay here for just a moment.
[Neo nods as if Morpheus can see him, and although we all know that Morpheus really can see him, Neo doesn't, so it was a fairly stupid thing to do. Then, he peeks out from under the desk to see Smith and Jones exchange glances.]
Morpheus: When I tell--
Larry: CUT! Davis, where is my creepy music?
Don Davis: Sorry, Lar, Cypher got in the way.
Larry: Whatever.
[Cue creepy music]
Andy: Much better.
Larry: Roll tape!
Morpheus: When I tell you, go to the end of the row, to the office at the end of the hall. Stay as low as you can.
[Neo, our intelligent main character, nods again.]
Morpheus: Go. Now.
[Cut to scene: Row-hallway between cubicles. Neo peeks out, looks at the legs of the police officer, and runs crouchy-like to the end of the row. The guy at the copy machine spills his coffee when Neo passes him because Neo is in super-stealth mode, which makes him special...er than he already is. Neo runs into the room at the end of the 'hallway']
Morpheus: Good. Now, outside, there is a scaffold.
Neo: Are you sure you aren't God?
Morpheus: I'm not God, pansy boy.
Neo: How do you know all this?
Morpheus: We don't have time, Neo, and besides, if I told you, I'd spoil all my nifty lines later in the movie.
Neo: Fine.
Morpheus: To your left there is a window. Go to it.
[Neo walks to window]
Morpheus: Open it.
[Neo opens window.]
Morpheus: You can use the scaffold to get to the roof.
Neo [hissing at phone]: What are you stupid? It's a long way down and I'm scared of heights!
Morpheus [to someone on other end]: Oh God, he's acrophobic.
Person on other end: So I guess we can rule out the flying thing.
Woman on other end: You owe me two bucks, Apoc.
Other person on other end, possibly Apoc: He might still fly.
Woman: Not happenin' bucko. Pay up.
Déjà vu cat: Mew.
Morpheus: Look, Neo, get your little pansy ass up to the roof!
Neo: No way. No way. This is crazy. No way.
Morpheus: [sighs] There are two ways out of this building, Neo. One is that scaffold, the other is in their custody. Either way, the choice I leave to you. [hangs up]
Neo: Well bugger that. I am not going out that window.
'Jimbo': [rings]
Neo: What?!
Morpheus: At least try for heaven's sake!
Neo: Alright, whatever. [sigh]
Morpheus: [hangs up].
Neo: This is just peachy. This is insane! This is crazy. [Climbs out window] Why is this happening to me? I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. [Neo looks over edge, shrinks back, then decides to inch along the window ledge, muttering. He climbs around the corner and gets stuck at a big plastic thing. He freaks out and drops the phone because it's windy.]
'Jimbo': Aieeeeeeeee!
Neo: Shit!
[Music gets scarier]
Neo: I can't do this. [anxiously climbs back into building]
[Cut to scene: street outside building, police officers are holding back the crowd. One is opening the door. Then, we see the Agents leading Neo to the car.]
[Cut to scene: rearview side mirror on a motorcycle. Neo is put into the car.]
[Cut to scene: other side of mirror. Agents get into car. Zoom out. Trinity is on bike. Smith looks at her.]
Trinity: Shit. Now I owe Tank three bucks.
[Cut to scene: a room full of tvs, all of which star Neo sitting at a table, looking dejected. Neo looks up as camera zooms in and appears to pass through television, which is symbolic, and the door opens. The three Agents walk in from a hallway that is not white, leaving people who know about the magic back doors to believe there actually is an 'agency' or whatever. Neyeah, so there! Anyways, Brown leads, looking intimidating, followed by Jones, looking dramatic, followed by Smith, looking like... Smith. Everybody is walking verrrryyyy sssllooowwwllyyy so that they are more menacing and intimidating, a word meaning, quite literally, to make timid. Door slams, a green folder is dropped onto the desk. Zoom out. Smith sits down opposite Neo, looking .... like Smith. He acts very detached as he opens the folder painfully slowly and looks over it. Neo not-so-subtly tries to catch a glimpse of it.]
Smith, in his first real bit of dialogue that actually means something to the audience, as apposed to random babble that makes sense only to the obsessive people who watch this movie enough times to act it out all by themselves and do a better job than the chosen actors: As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Anderson. [pause] It seems that you've been living [pause] two lives. [longer pause] In one life, you're Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a social security number, you pay your taxes, and you [dramatic pause] help your landlady carry out her garbage. [pause for effect] The other life [while turning over a large stack of papers to reveal picture of computers and other such junk] is lived in computers where you go by the hacker alias, "Neo," and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for.
LCH: GRAMMAR!!! That is a preposition at the end of a sentence!
Smith: And before I give away the ending, I'd like to note that virtually is a very important word in that sentence. Where I could have used nearly or almost, I said virtually instead, showing that my lines are cooler than a lot of other people's. I want you to know and understand that before you go off and hear other people's lines, especially that stupid Morpheus. My lines are much cooler than his. I have more proof that is also foreshadowing, which I shall now recite to you. "One of these lives has a future; the other one does not." [shuts folder with an air of finality] I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Anderson, which isn't very much. You're here because we need your help. [omg, he breaks an unwritten law and TAKES OFF HIS SUNGLASSES] We know that you've been contacted by a certain [spits out] individual, a man who calls himself Morpheus, a man whose lines I greatly envy, and whom I must destroy, because MY lines are FERIOR!!! And whatever you THINK you know about this man is IRRELEVANT! I love that word. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive, and besides that, he thinks he has better lines, and I must confront him, and prove that MY lines are FERIOR!! My colleagues believe that I'm wasting my time with you, but I believe you wish to do the right thing. Now, we're willing to wipe the slate clean [pushes folder aside], give you a fresh start, and all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.
Neo: Geez, you are longwinded.
Smith: [glares]
Neo: Yeah. Uhm. Wow, that sounds like a really good deal.
Smith: [nods in his FERIOR manner]
Neo: But I've got a better one. How about, I give you the finger [flips Smith the bird]
Smith: Mmm. [expression unreadable, but he's still acting FERIOR]
Neo: and you give me my phone call.
Smith [reaching for sunglasses]: Mr. Anderson. [puts on sunglasses] you disappoint me. And I don't like to be disappointed.
Jones: Not your lines.
Smith: Shut UP Jones. That was good and dramatic, can't you understand drama?
Jones: It doesn't matter, Smith. Besides, -I- am the dramatic one.
Smith: [growl]
Neo: You can't scare me with this gestapo crap.
Smith: Or can we....
Jones: Smith....
Neo: I know my rights. I want my phone call.
Smith [acting FERIOR again]: Tell me, Mr. Anderson. What good is a phone call, if you are.... unable to speak?
[Cue visual effects, in which Neo's mouth melts together.]
[Cue really creepy music]
Neo [thinking]: Noooooo! Now I'll never get anymore Powerade!!!
Smith: [looks sadistic]
[Creepy music... escalates in creepiness]
[Neo jumps back against wall. Brown picks up fallen chair, Betty.]
Betty: Many thanks, kind knight.
Brown: o.O
Neo [thinking]: It's not working! That's not fair! It worked for Spiderman!
Smith: [sits back in chair looking pleased with himself]
[Jones and Brown attack Neo and rip open his shirt. They push him onto a table and hold him down while Smith pulls something weird out of his pocket.]
Smith: You're going to help ups, Mr. Anderson... whether you want to... or not.
[Smith takes out a funky machine thing, pushes a button, and then it turns into a bug. Smith puts it on Neo, and it crawls into his belly button.]
[End Scene Three]
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