Vegeta Bles stepped out of the shower and grabbed the towel from the rack. He used it to dry off his hair. The pointy-haired Saiya-jin prince wrapped the towel around his waist (sorry Vegeta-fans, no Veggie-nudity for you!) and walked out of the bathroom, humming a little bit of the Hamtaro theme song.
The house was quiet... too quiet for comfort. His eyes reflected a vague suspicion that something had gone wrong while he had been freshening up.
Why hasn't that damn woman yelled at me in so long?! Vegeta thought, looking around frantically, paranoid that she was hiding behind something and was going to jump out at him. Then he noticed that Dim's cage was empty!!
"Dim!! Where'd you go?!" Vegeta exclaimed, running up to his beloved pet hamster's cage.
At that exact moment, Koya came running into the room. Vegeta didn't even hear his psychotic wife enter the room, as he was too busy looking for little Dim.
"Vegeta! Vegeta! That hamster of yours, he... he...!" the woman stammered, standing behind Vegeta.
But Vegeta completely ignored the ranting woman. Nothing was more important to him than his precious, cute little hamster Dimmy!!
Koya continued to rant and rave until, finally, the ugly Saiya-jin spun around and roared at her, "Damn it, Woman, I'm looking for my damn hamster, NOW SHUT UP UNTIL I SAY YOU CAN SPEAK AGAIN!!" The words slapped her in the face just as his saliva did. Koya snapped her mouth shut and stood there idly, pouting.
Vegeta pushed out a heavy, aggravated sigh and went back to searching for little Dim. He was searching the hamster cage so diligently that he had no clue of what was going on behind him.
From out of nowhere, Dim and all the Bad Hams leapt on the paranoid Koya. Koya struggled violently and went to scream for her deranged husband to help her, but a sock had been stuffed in her mouth by Starre just as she opened it to scream. The maniacal little rodents frantically tied ropes around her wrists and ankles.
"To the closet with the wench!" Dim ordered, leading the way. Vegeta didn't hear that either, of course, nor did he see them drag off his wife. There was even a loud thud that came from Koya hitting the floor when she was pulled down.
With inhuman (er, inhamster, rather) strength, the Bad Hams pulled the bitchy woman into the closet and slammed it shut. Vegeta Bles STILL didn't turn around.
Five minutes later, Vegeta at last gave up his desperate search for the escaped black hamster. "All right," he said, "You can speak now, Woman."
There was no answer, except for the silence that had strangely befallen the cold room. Vegeta shivered; he WAS still in only a towel, after all.
"I said you could speak now!"
When there was no answer again, he angrily flipped around, eyes red with a fiery rage. "Woman, I said—"
He cut himself off when he saw that Koya had vanished. Where'd that blasted woman go NOW?! he mentally growled.
Out loud, he said, "Koya?" in a worried tone.
If the room got any colder, ice would've begun to form on things (although ice formation on Vegeta's heart wouldn't matter, it'd merely be a second coating). Once again, the Saiya-jin shivered.
Then he heard it, muffled screaming coming from his closet. Very timidly (and while slightly trembling), Veggie-boy crept up to the closet. He put his hand around the door knob, and, after slowly turning the brass handle, pulled the door open very quickly.
"ATTACK!!!" Dim commanded as the door was thrown open.
And the hamsters hissed like the rabid squirrel that hissed at Tara and leapt on and clung to Vegeta's face. His eyes shot open to the size of coals as this happened. Then he danced all over his freezing room, trying to get the miniscule beasts off his "beautiful" face. He shook his head violently to and fro in the attempt o throw the creatures off.
"Get offa me now, you little rats, or I'll blast you all to HFIL!!" Vegeta hissed in his typical bad-ass tone.
"Bad Hams, halt!" Dim ordered.
The movement immediately ceased; all the hamsters jumped off the Saiya-jin and onto his bed, where their leader, Dim, sat in the middle. Vegeta's eyes widened even more at seeing his hamster.
"D-Dim? There you are!"
Vegeta Bles went to scoop up his dearest little hamster, having forgotten about being attacked, but all the Bad Hams stood in front of their leader, growling as ferociously as hamsters could, fur standing up on their backs.
"What's this?!" Veggie inquired.
"We're the Bad Hams!" they all said in unison.
"Yeah!!" Kal shouted above the others. He lunged out into the spotlight, wearing his heroic Great Saiyaham outfit. Then he started doing a number of ridiculous poses as he rapped. "Hiya ho, here we go! We're the Hams with the plans to uplift the— OWW!!!"
He was interrupted by his father smacking him roughly over the back of his fuzzy little head. Kal rubbed furiously where he had been hit; a red lump popped up, anime style.
"What was that for, Dad?!" Kal yelled in pain.
"I told you to stop that ridiculous Great Saiyaham nonsense!! It embarrasses me!" he roared. Kal winced, still dressed in his crazy outfit. "I raised a successor, not a loony toon, clownish, cheerleading gerbil!!"
Kal narrowed his green eyes at his father and lowered his voice. "That's what YOU think, o dearest Father..." he muttered darkly.
Dim didn't hear that. He turned back to Vegeta, who was still staring, unblinking.
"And now, my dearest stupid owner, you can come watch as we set Operation Battery Acid in motion!! HAHAHA!!!" the sadistic little hamster cackled maniacally. Vegeta began to shiver in fear, quite noticeably not to mention. "Bad Hams, capture him!!"
With that shouted command, each of the Bad Hams, save Nil, lunged on the dazed Vegeta once again. Jenga and Red held rope in their mouths and, while running around Vegeta's legs in opposite directions, tied him up around the ankles. The rest of the Bad Hams had to work together to get Veggie's wrists tightly tied.
"Dim, why are you doing this?!" Vegeta demanded, struggling violently, trying to get loose.
Dim lowered his head and let his cold blue eyes work on Vegeta's resolve. "Because I can, dear owner..." was his simple reply.
"But, you—!!" Vegeta was cut off as Joe-Joe and Mange slapped a thick strip of duct tape over his mouth. Vegeta yelled from his throat furiously.
Dim roared with laughter so hard that he had to close his eyes and hold his sides. He laughed long and hard. When he finally calmed down enough for him to open his eyes, he wished he hadn't opened them...
Vegeta stood there, without a single thread on his entire body, as naked as the day his mother's womb expelled his hideous self. Since Vegeta's hands had been tied up, he had no way of catching his towel should it have slipped off by chance. Well, that chance swung by. His towel lay around his tied up ankles. Dim was floored with disgust. The other hamsters snickered uncontrollably. Vegeta was blushing. Koya was... smiling...
"For sakes unmentionable, get a censor bar over here post haste! Aech, Mange, Joe-Joe, SOMEONE!!!!!!" Dim yelped, covering his eyes, turning as green as Kal's dyed hair, and nearly vomiting.
Still snickering, the three Bad Hams he had mentioned by name walked out of the room and walked back in seconds later with a huge black rectangle. They got on the bed, which came up to just below their target spot, and jumped forward, wrapping the black censor bar around Vegeta's waist. It stuck like a strong adhesive. If Dim had anything to say about it, he'd see to it that the damn bar stayed there forever.
Dim, poor Dim, timidly uncovered his little eyes. Now he was paranoid and scarred for life (if it's possible to mentally damage an insane bad guy, that is). Dim cleared his throat with as much dignity as he could summon.
"Now that that disturbing little incident is over... Operation Battery Acid shall now commence!!!"
(Commercial break!)
Do do do do do DO!
What rolls down stairs and under chairs and over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack and fits on your back, it's Log, Log, Log! It's Log, it's Log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood. It's Log, it's Log, it's better than bad, it's good! Come on and get your Log. You're gonna love this Log. Everyone loves the Log. Everyone needs a Log.
Log!! From Blammo!!
De de de de de de de, DE DE!!
(And now back to "Invader DIM"!)
Getting Vegeta into the reservoir was no problem for the Bad Hams. They simply tied wheels to his back and strung him along (at least he's no longer high strung, *snicker snicker*). Koya was the real nuisance. She kept screaming until she wore out the mucous lining in her throat to the point that it bled painfully.
By the end of the trip to the reservoir, Dim's head felt like Zeus' did before Athena popped out of it. The little black hamster chewed on one of Koya's fingers for her troubles.
"Bad Hams, we have arrived at destination three without casualties!!" Dim announced happily.
The Bad Hams cheered. Vegeta grumbled, the censor bar still happily in place (please, spare us all the nightmares).
"Bring in the battery acid!!" Dim ordered to Mange.
"Sure thing, Boss."
"GAHHH!! Do NOT call me Boss! That is a Ham Ham!!!" Dim felt offended that Mange had called him Boss, a hamster from Hamtaro. Dim was NOT a hamster from Hamtaro; he was a hamster from Hell.
"Sorry Bo— I mean, Fearless Leader," Mange corrected and ran off.
"Stupid good hamsters... they make our race look all cute and cuddly and innocent," Dim muttered to himself.
A beeping sound filled the scene as about a dozen trucks, being driven by other hamsters who worked for Dim but were not Bad Hams, backed up to the open reservoir.
The sinister, cold-blue eyes hamster sneered. "Excellent..." he slithered, like Mr. Burns from "The Simpsons".
"Back up, boys. Keep backin'! More! Come on!" Mange directed the backing-up trucks to their designated spaces.
Vegeta stared from his constraints in horror at what was going on. Hamsters can DRIVE?! What's next, they use walkie talkies?
It's funny that Vegeta thought that, because the very moment that he thought that, Mange took out a walkie talkie, and so did Dim. Vegeta's face reflected the look that says, "Why'd I even think about it?"
"On schedule, Fearless Leader. Awaiting the okay to dump," the mangy hamster said.
"Great work, Bad Ham #5." Dim paused for a moment to snicker a bit in anticipation of the misery that'd follow the dumping of battery acid in the drinking water reservoir. "Start dump—"
"HEY!!!" a voice interrupted. Dim and the rest of the Bad Hams leapt into the air, startled. Dim himself almost toppled into the water below.
Dim glared in undiluted horror at where the voice had come from. Vegeta had somehow managed to get the duct tape off his mouth.
"How did YOU get loose?!" Dim growled in frustration.
"Well, what do you know, Woman, you're good for somethin' after all!" Vegeta said to Koya, who was holding the strip of duct tape in her still-tied up hands. Koya glared sharp, pointy daggers at her husband (why she even bothered to marry someone who's ugly in every aspect possible is beyond you and me both, dear reader).
"Never mind how you got loose; I've decided I don't wanna know. Starre! Get a new piece of tape! This time sew it on!" Dim ordered.
"Sir!" Starre replied obediently and pulled a strip of duct tape, a sewing needle, and some thread from nowhere.
Starre was about to slap on the tape when Vegeta spoke up, jerking his mouth away from it. "Dim, aren't you forgetting something?" Dim's eyes stared into Vegeta's. "You're stupid, Dim! The water filtration systems will just filter out your battery acid!! You may as well be trying to talk sense into the author of this story!"
Dim threw back his head in wild laughter. "Oh you pitiful human!! You really think I'd forget something so significant?! You ignorant, pathetic beast!!!!" Dim howled.
"How dare you call the Prince of Saiya-jins a HUMAN!??!" If Vegeta could only get his hands on that annoying little rodent!!
"You're the Prince of Nothing, dear late owner! All your race are become to dust!" Dim teased. Vegeta just blinked at the insane little freak of a rodent. "Anyway, my son here has taken care of that little problem, right, Kal?" Dim said, looking over to his son.
Kal's green eyes looked up at hearing his name. "Do what now?'
Dim began to boil and fume and his son's stupidity. "The filtration systems, Kal!! You turned them off, didn't you?!??!"
Oh Great Gatsby's, don't let him say "Do what now?"... Dim silently prayed.
There was a thirty second pause as Kal appeared to be in deep thought. At last, he looked up and said, "Do what now?"
Steam escaped form Dim's ears. "KAL!!! YOU MORONIC SON OF MINE!! GO TURN OFF THOSE SYSTEMS RIGHT NOW!!!" Dim yelled, infuriated.
Kal shrugged, unmoved. "Yeah yeah yeah, I got it, whatever."
He ran off towards the filtration systems.
That boy is gonna ruin everything! I need another son, Dim thought.
Suddenly, two seconds later, Kal came running back with a blank, confused look on his face. "Do what now?" he said.
Dim felt his veins nearly explode from his boiling blood. "Kal, go turn off the filtration systems!" Dim repeated.
"Yeah yeah, no problem, whatever."
He ran off again. Dim sighed in exhaustion.
What did I do to deserve—
His thoughts were interrupted by Kal once again.
"Do what now?"
"Turn off the water filtration systems, you idiot!!"
"Yeah yeah yeah, I got it, no problem."
Off he ran... again. Oh no, deja vu! There's a glitch in the Matrix!! We're all doomed!!
Dim was afraid to think this time. Ten seconds passed and he felt it was safe to do so.
I'm gonna kill—
"Do what now?" Kal asked... AGAIN.
"TURN OFF THE DAMN FILTRATION SYSTEMS, KAL!!!!!"
"All right all right, I got it, yeah."
That damn well better be the last time he runs back!!!
Dim held his breath, hoping his stupid son would pull through this time.
Two minutes passed; Kal had not returned, to Dim's relief. He was about to sigh in relief when his walkie talkie indicated that someone was trying to reach him. He sighed and turned it on.
"Do what now?"
