I awoke in a pool of cold sweat. Very cold sweat. Actually my body was drenched in sweat. It was like I had just gotten out of a very salty, stinky pool.

My heart was beating a mile a minute and thumping so hard I could hear it.

"Another one." I thought, staring up at my ceiling and watching the shadows made by the tree limbs outside my window form boney, menacing fingers.

The dreams were getting more intense and realistic which only meant I needed stronger doses and stronger doses meant that I was going to be a drugged up zombie for the rest of my life.

I sighed and looked down at the floor along the side of my bed. I knew I needed to get up, but I was stuck in my sweaty pool.

It was funny how I actually integrated Shelia into this one though. Like she'd want a mental case like me.

I finally sat up and looked around, grabbing the sheets and pulling them up to my chest. The cold air had hit my sweat drenched body and made me shiver.

"Where are my pills?" I said aloud, looking first at the usual place I kept them then realizing I had put them back into the medicine cabinet in the bathroom.

I sat there a few more minutes, then slowly got up and stumbled towards the bathroom turning the light on.

I stared at myself in the mirror noticing the heavy bags underneath my eyes and the paleness to my skin. These were all side-effects of the medication I was taking. Well, those and the depression.

"Depression." I laughed. I had medication to treat the depression, but it made me anxious and nervous. I also had medication to treat the anxiety, but it made me depressed. I was basically trapped in a circle of emotional crap that I wasn't getting out of.

"Look at me," I said rubbing my hand through my thinning hair, "Look what I've become."

My hair began thinning out about two years ago. At first it started coming out in clumps, but now it only comes out when I brush it. Not that I had supermodel hair before, but at least I didn't look like a dog with mange.

I opened the cabinet and thumbed through the rows of pill bottles reading each label aloud to myself. There were pills for anxiety. Pills for depression. Day time pills for anxiety and depression. I had my own personal drugstore in my bathroom.

I had gone through about six pill bottles before I finally found my sleeping pills, which I noticed were almost gone.

"Yep, need to get my refill tomorrow." I thought to myself again, filling up the glass sitting on the side of my sink with water and pouring two pills into my hand.

I walked back to my bed and sat on the edge, studying the pills in my hand. I didn't want to take them. I didn't like what they did to me, but I'd never sleep otherwise and I had a long day tomorrow.

"Here goes." I said, and downed the pills and water.

The wind was beginning to pick up outside and I could hear the tree limbs scraping against the window.

Suddenly something snapped in me.

"I wish you'd come and kill me now." I said staring up at the ceiling, "I know you're still alive. If you want me I can meet you and you can finish what you started."

Then I broke down crying holding my head in my hands.

"I can't live like this. I'm not myself."

I began rocking slowly on the edge of my bed.

"I can't live like this! You fucking bitch! KILL ME NOW!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, "Cause if you don't I will!"

Then like a mad man I jumped up and rushed to the bathroom again.

"If you don't I will!" I screamed again, banging my fists against the medicine cabinet mirror and shattering it.

"Let's end this now Lance." I whispered to myself picking up a piece of glass and pressing it firmly against a vein in my wrist.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

"You won't get this satisfaction Mia. It's all mine."