CHAPTER 3: A fine distinction between demons and angels
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
"So, tell me about life. What's happening out there?" Justin sat as he usually did, with his fingertips almost touching Brian's, leaning a bit back and to the side in the plastic chair, beatific smile in place. He was actually relaxed, and Brian was awed by the pure strength and tenacity of him. There was never a moment these days when the man was more than a heartbeat from Brian's thoughts, and he couldn't even begin to know exactly when that happened. It just had. He mentally ran through all the hundreds – thousands – of men he had known in his life, intimately more often than not, and there was not one who made him feel this. Friends, fucks, foes. None of them. This was… joy. Peace. Ecstacy. Calm. This was all of it. And for the life of him he couldn't reason how someone who was here, confined inside the walls of a prison, could make him feel that. Could make it cut through the anger and frustration, through the guilt. But he did it.
"No. Let's talk about you," Brian moved his hand, just a bit, to brush their fingers together. "Are you drawing this week?"
"A bit, when I can get the supplies. That isn't high on their requisition priority list, you know. I think it's down there somewhere around… tampons." Brian laughed as Justin's face screwed up in disgust at his own comparison.
"God, kid, don't tell me you're thinking about vaginas again?" The brief pained look that crossed Justin's face made Brian regret the words immediately.
"No, that didn't exactly work out so well the last time."
"Hey, Jus…I didn't mean to…" Justin's raised hand stopped Brian's apology. Shit. How could he have gone there?
"It's really okay, Bri. We're dealing with it. Daph and I do actually talk about it." He put on a poignant little smile. "You know, she'll be a year old in a couple of months. I just hope she's doing okay."
"Christ." One finger grazed the top of one of Justin's. "She should be with Daphne," he whispered.
"No, she shouldn't, Brian. She's right where she should be," Justin responded quietly. He shifted his body closer to the table, to Brian – needing whatever connection he could have. "The way it happened… well, that sucked shit, but… A single mom raising a premature baby with health issues? A dad in prison? No, she made the right choice. Just… sometimes the right choices are the most painful ones."
There was absolutely nothing Brian could think of to say to that. Yeah, life sucked shit sometimes. More than once.
Justin's face brightened as his signature smile returned. "You do know Daph named her after you? She wanted you to be her godfather." Brian actually blushed a bit as Justin continued. "Bryn. It was the closest she could come without actually using your name. And I think she just didn't want that 'anna' thing hanging off the end."
"Tell me. What could possibly possess someone to name their child after me? Christ…" He had guessed it. And he was so honored by it he could burst… but he couldn't admit that. Not even to Justin. It hurt too much. He'd lost a namesake and goddaughter.
"You don't do humble very well, you shit," Justin huffed out, noticing Brian's unease, changing the subject slightly. "You did a fuck ton of stuff for us. You mortgaged your goddamned home for us, Brian!"
"Keep your voice down, Jus!" He noticed one of the guards eyeing them suspiciously. Heat seeking missile fucker. "It's only money."
"You paid my bail."
"I got most of that back."
"Most of it," Justin snorted. "And you paid George. And you helped Daph with her medical bills. And…"
"Alright, alright. Jesus… It still doesn't matter. It's still just money, Justin." He didn't need a rundown of the money he'd spent. He knew the amount to the penny. "And I'd do it again, if necessary. You know that."
There was no use, the young man knew, in pursuing it. Brian didn't want to accept the gratitude Justin felt. He understood. He also understood that he would never, in any amount of time, be able to repay the unexpected generosity of this man, to thank him for all he'd done for him. For Daphne. For Bryn. And he wished he could show him, just once, how he felt about him. Thank you. I love you. I need you.
Really show him.
As Justin's thoughts wandered to just how he wanted to show Brian all he felt, he unconsciously adjusted himself in the seat. He could feel the heat rush to his face, and he lowered his eyes when he realized what he had done – fuck! – and that it hadn't been lost on the man responsible for the situation. They sat silently for a few moments, Justin collecting himself and Brian wondering how his heart could fly and break at the same time. When Justin finally looked up, neither man missed the extra brightness in the pair of eyes they stared into. Neither man could think beyond this moment. And neither man denied what they both knew.
"I'd give every dime I have, everything I own or ever will have, right this fucking second… to be able to walk you out that door."
Justin heard every word that Brian didn't say.
TCTCTCTC
Sixteen months earlier:
George Pappas and Daphne watched as the young man paced the room, hands running through his hair, alternating flashes of fear and anger and panic dancing across his face. One moment gazing sightlessly out the window, the next his face pressed against the cool wood of the door.
"They're actually going to try me as an adult?" A slight sheen of sweat glistening on his face highlighted the near fevered panic that had finally settled in his eyes.
"Yeah. Their option. They waited to watch Hobbs' progression and make sure they had sufficient reason. He's out of the coma, but he has serious, probably permanent injuries, Justin. They are going to prosecute as fully as they can, based upon the injuries, the statements of witnesses, and the statements of students who saw the escalation of emotions between you and Hobbs in the days before the attack." George knew the truth wouldn't count for anything in the face of the evidence the DA had in his possession. He hadn't been able to find a single person, other than Brian Kinney, who had any recollection of the incident that was in Justin's favor.
"But they attacked Justin!"
"I know, Ms. Chanders. But what we know and what we can prove are entirely separate things. They have at least four solid witnesses, plus statements from other students regarding you and Hobbs yelling at and shoving each other in the halls that day and the day before. We have you – the accused – and Brian Kinney's statement…"
"Fuck Brian Kinney! He got Justin into this in the first place. Face of god, my ass!" Her hatred for the man who had hurt her friend had been escalating for weeks. And god, she wished she could kill him for what he had caused Justin! Fucking him, turning him away like a dog, and now…this. Justin had been so damned happy that first day after meeting Brian, but then he had this whole amazing life spread out ahead of him. School, his art, just living! And then… Fuck Kinney!
"Brian is all Justin has right now, Ms. Chanders. His statement…"
"Isn't going to be worth shit when he gets up there and admits to fucking me! If it wasn't for him…"
"If it wasn't for him you'd still be in jail, Justin!" Christ! Brian didn't want the kid to know that. Not unless it was necessary. Well, there it was. The man was a grade-A asshole, but he was doing every damned thing he could for the boy, everything. He ran his hands over his shaved head, frustrated with his client's attitude. Unfortunately he could understand it as well. Fac ing this would be hard enough for a seasoned adult, but dealing with the potential of prison when you are seventeen? Shit.
"What do you mean? I'd still be in jail." The words were quiet, clipped. Serious.
"Brian Kinney posted your bail when your parents refused to do so." George was well aware that Justin clung desperately to the false belief that his parents paid his bail, was paying for his legal fees. That they still cared for him in some way. Time to disavow him of those beliefs. If the boy was going to be tried as an adult, he damned well better start thinking like one.
"My parents…"
"Refused to post your bail, Justin. When Brian heard about that…"
"And your fees?"
"Brian."
Justin slumped back against the door, hoping the support would keep his knees from completely giving out. Bile churned around the knots growing bigger in his stomach, as the last illusions he held of his parents' loving him faded. Daphne watched the panic start to take over her friend – his normally pale skin becoming even paler, his breathing shallow.
"Justin?"
"I've gotta go…" he hissed out between clenched teeth as he jerked the door opened and ran from the attorney's office. He was sitting in the driver's seat of Daphne's small car, his hands on the wheel, staring blankly ahead when she found him minutes later.
"Give me the keys."
"You can't drive like this, Jus."
"Give me the fucking keys!" She had never been afraid of her friend. Ever. Right now she was terrified of, for him. She laid the keys in his upturned palm and snapped on her seat belt.
When the car pulled over next to an old warehouse section of town, one she didn't know at all, she watched as Justin slowly, with deliberation in every move, got out of the car and walked up the steps to one of the old buildings. She followed him, heard a growled "Let me the fuck in" and then the click of the door lock as it opened. Her eyes took in the chipped paint, the scuffed and worn stair runner and she wondered what in the hell her friend thought he was doing. She tried to stop him with a hand on his arm. He shook it off without even looking at her. When they reached the top floor she stopped, stunned. There, in an open doorway, waiting… was one of the most beautiful men she had ever seen, motioning them inside one of the most beautiful apartments she had ever seen. She knew. Brian Kinney.
"George called you." A statement.
"Yeah, he figured you would either come here or to your parents'" She watched a shadow of guilt cross the man's perfect features before they settled into a mask of complete indifference. "So. You know."
"Just who the FUCK do you think you are, Mr. Kinney?" Justin circled the man as he lashed out.
"I think I'm the one who got you out of that fucking jail your loving parents left you to rot in, Mr. Taylor." He couldn't help it. He just couldn't fucking help letting his defense take over. The little shit! He fucking bailed him out!
Justin screamed and with every ounce of frustrated anger he possessed, shoved Brian against the wall, staring wildly at him. "You get a kick out of fucking virgins, then fucking with – fucking up – the rest of their fucking lives, huh, Brian? Fucking up my life? You know they are trying me as an adult?" Tears flowed faster with each word Justin hissed out. "I'm probably going to prison, Brian! Because of you and your fucked up life, and your fucking friend, and your fucking Jeep, and I… my life's a fucking mess…"
Brian had taken it all stoically. He took it as the boy screamed and shoved and ranted, as he cried out his frustration and anger at him. He took it. And somewhere inside he knew he deserved every bit of it, and more. As Justin wore himself out railing at Brian, something shifted and the mask he wore just wouldn't stay in place. He pushed the heels of his hands deep into his eyes, hoping to stop what he could feel starting. But the tears fell anyway. When he saw Justin crumple to the ground, sobbing, all pretence of indifference fell away. He knew he was the cause of this young man's pain, of his fear. If he had just… what? Not fucked him? Not taken him to school? Been just a minute earlier the next day? What?
Daphne stood back as she watched her friend exorcise his demons on the belligerent man who had started this whole fucking mess, her own sobs mixing with the sound of Justin's. She wanted to cause this man the pain she knew Justin was suffering. This man who just fucking didn't care! She wanted to strip away everything he loved, strip away his future. She started toward Justin as she watched him fall to the floor. She needed to hold him and let him know she was there. But she stopped as she watched Brian's body slide down the wall, as his arms pulled Justin to his lap, as he rocked him back and forth.
"I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." Daphne heard the tearful whispers and thought there must be a fine distinction between demons and angels.
She had to remind herself that she hated Brian Kinney.
TCTCTCTC
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
Daphne put the loft key back in her purse and turned on a light, readying her normal greeting and expecting to find what she always did. As she turned around, ready to once again verbally smack her friend for not answering his phone, she stopped. Just a bit stunned. No overturned anything… no empty bottles littering the floor… no Brian. Shit!
"Brian?" The bathroom? Bedroom? Shit! Their routine for this night had been so static, so drastically unchanged for the last ten months that she was feeling more than just a little unease. As she made her way up the few steps toward the bedroom, bracing herself for… anything… she heard the loft door behind her.
"Hi, honey. I'm home."
"Where the fuck were you?" Her voice wavered between relief and really pissed off, and Brian had to smirk at the bothered young 'wife' standing with her hands on her hips in disapproval.
"I'm sorry, dearest. I just ran out to pick up a few things and got caught in some traffic. I hope you didn't hold dinner for me."
"Jesus, Brian! You really scared me." Now her voice was solidly pissed off.
"C'mere, Daphne." He held out his arms and hugged his young friend. "I'm fine. Didn't mean to worry you. I really didn't think I'd be gone this long, but…" Brian hesitated, not entirely sure how to tell her what he had been doing since leaving Mercer today.
"But…"
"But… I want to show you something." He reached down and took Daphne's small hand in his and walked toward his desk, guiding her to one of the chairs there. As he sat down next to her and turned on the computer, his heart started racing. God, if this hurts her… He reached into his jacket and pulled out the small camera, expertly opening it and removing the data card. Before placing the card into the computer, he turned to the young woman and took both of her hands in his and touched their foreheads together.
"Justin said something today…You've lost so much, Daphne. A great part of the blame goes to me."
"No, Brian…"
"Stop it. We both know it's true. I… I can't change it, though fuck knows I wish I could somehow. But… I wanted to give you both something. Please understand, Princess." Daphne pulled back just enough to see the plea in Brian's hazel eyes.
"Whatever it is, Brian, it's okay. I'll understand." She had learned so much about him, his fears, his vulnerability. There was not an unkind atom in his body. Possessive, protective, sometimes defensive. But not unkind.
He pulled in a long, slow breath and let it out as he pushed the card into the slot and brought up the files on his screen. As the first picture came up, he heard the sharp intake of breath next to him. Placing his arm protectively around the small, now shaking shoulders, he whispered, "I went to see the Waverly's today."
"Oh my god… Brian…" The beautiful smile that graced the beautiful face lit up the room. With tears and laughter – with pure joy – she gripped the hand of this amazing man, pulling it to her lips for a small kiss.
"Thank you. Thank you," she whispered over and over, wiping her eyes as the pictures of the small little girl with the light mocha skin and bright blue eyes played before her, a head full of bronze curls dancing in the last of the day's sun.
"She's small, Princess, but she's apparently healthy." Cupping his strong hand behind her head, he pulled Daphne to him, fighting his own emotions. "Thank you for her name, Daphne. And for her."
The two sat together for hours, watching the slide show over and over, noticing something different every time. The shape of her nose, the slight tilt of her head, the way she cocked her eyebrow… and Brian promised that he would never again spend Tuesday night drinking away his pain. He would spend it in celebration of the lives of three of the most important people in his life. He would spend it thankful for the love and understanding of the Waverly's.
He promised himself that tomorrow he would print off the pictures for Justin.
And he promised himself that he would call Emmett and plan a birthday party.
