A/N: Can I just say how much I love Scooter? I just want to hug him and squeeze him and shrink him down and put him in my pocket. He's just the cutest thing. ^_^ That and I'm sorry there isn't any of the Barnacle in this chapter. I'm sure he's off being awesome elsewhere... knowing him. ;)

The next day, your Aunt Lily had to work. As did the rest of us. Unfortunately for her, she had to face something completely different from what the rest of us did on a daily basis. There was Marshall, who had to deal with the corporate tools of the banking industry; Robin, who had to deal with early morning newscasters who still remained lax about what they did and did not say on the air; me, who had to deal with anxious, yet aspiring new young architects and Barney who… well, no one quite knew what he did and you both know he still keeps that secret close to this very day. But we know for certain that he dealt with guys… well… exactly like Barney. But Lily? Lily had to deal with this:

"Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily…!"

And you've gotta believe me when I tell you that's not coming from her kindergartners.

You see, kids. You remember the time I told you about how Marshall tried to convince Lily to get Scooter off her hook? Well, she never did. Sad part was, he was still working as good ol' Lunch Lady Scooter… or Lunch Lady Bill as he liked to be called nowadays.

"Lily, I've got your enchilada, just the way you like it," Scooter explained, blinking furiously with those wide doe eyes that not even Marshall could resist. There, he held the dish expectantly in his hands, in await for the final moment when Lily would appreciate something he'd done and maybe- maybe just love him again. He had better luck looking more like Kurt Cobain. "I-I took off all the cheese because I remembered how you used to be lactose intolerant. Then I thought maybe there were a lot of kids who were also lactose intolerant and almost took the cheese off of half the other enchiladas. But then I realized that none of that mattered. Because the only thing that matters and has ever matters is you, Lily. It's you. Please love me. Please, please please love me. I know you feel it, deep in your heart."

Lily bit her lip, her mind reeling with the daily internal conflict. How to deny that sweet little face? She'd considered how she would treat one of her students. "Scooter, only big boys play with Lily. Only big boys… named Marshall. And if you can't play nicely, you're going to have to sit in the corner!"

"Oh!" Scooter spluttered in a sort of reverent way that said perhaps he didn't actually hear a word she said, only that she said them. "Oh, Lily. Are you saying if I changed my name for you, you would love me again? In the words of Shakespeare, what's in a name? Were a rose called by any other name, it would still smell as sweet."

Lily rolled her eyes with a sigh at his paraphrased quoting. "No, Scooter. I don't want you to change your name. I didn't want you to become a lunch lady. I didn't want you to become a waiter and I didn't want you to look even more like Kurt Cobain!"

"That's because you've finally excepted me for who I am!" Scooter simpered joyously with a little bounce in his heels, his fingers digging into the countertop as he leaned in as far as he could without slipping face first into the bean dip. "Oh Lily! I couldn't ask for anything more! Maybe tomorrow, we could talk about getting married! It'll be so perfect! Lily, you're the reason why I come into work every day!"

~.~.~.~.~

"This has got to stop," Lily exclaimed later at home. "I can't keep seeing him every day and have him garbling my words! I am trying so hard!"

"Well, he does have the sweetest, cutest puppy dog face ever," Marshall conceded absently with a slight incline of his head. He even managed a little coo at the end. There was a trace of light that flickered in his eyes when he had that habit of falling into deep man-love with a guy outside of our circle. It made Barney's current escapade all the more worthy of failure. In order to pass this "challenge" of his, he'd have to reach the Marshall level of man-love. He would have to see that genuine plea for attention, for acceptance, for compassion in someone like Scooter's eyes and want to sympathise. Barney would never do that without suppressing it to his utmost ability before hand. And was Barney really that willing to let himself go around another man?

Sure, he'd done it before around a thousand woman, one after another after another. Most of them had been faked or lies. But he made himself vulnerable, the precise tactic Scooter inadvertently used on a daily basis with Lily. Either that, or he chose to play dumb with Lily. Blissful ignorance. Sometimes I envied that.

It was this that got me thinking, in the bar that night after Marshall had filled me in on the latest Scooter Incident. Robin frowned, slipping into the booth next to me. "Someone get into an accident? I hear no one's used one of them since like the nineteen nineties." She put on that face that said she thought she was being funny and that she anticipated a laugh. I managed a dry cough of one for her benefit, but shook my head and turned down my lip to let her know that it was a pity laugh. "I'm funny, damn it." She shook her head.

"So, what's this theory you've got then?" she inquired, taking a swig of her beer.

"One where we turned Scooter into a monkey and seduced Barney with those cute little sad eyes until he had no choice but to fall in love with him and then change him back before he noticed?" Marshall interjected helpfully.

I frowned, trying to cover up the appreciative smirk that was beginning to cross my lips.

"Hey, that monkey had better be suited…" Robin only got so far before bursting into laughter. "Suited up!" Her head rolled into her waiting arms across the table as her shoulders heaved. "A monkey in a suit! Classic!"

"She has a point," I murmured, a sudden thought occurring to me.

Marshall's face lit up. "We get to turn Scooter into a monkey? That's only what I've ever dreamed of! …You know. Ever since I thought of Scooter as a monkey five minutes ago…"

"No. I think if we can convince Scooter to do all these things that Barney likes under the pretence that Lily wants him to, then we can help Barney win his challenge thing he's so set on doing."

"Helping Barney win a challenge?" Marshall pondered in genuine curiosity. "Isn't that cheating?"

I shook my head. "No. It'd just be nudging him in the right direction. Plus, it'd take Scooter off Lily's back for a while."

"Okay!" Marshall granted with a nod. "I like it. But we can't tell Barney. It'd just make him weird. …And hilarious! Let's tell him. Ted, we should tell him. Can we tell him? Huh huh huh?"

"We can't," I disagreed. "If we tell Barney, he'd try to go after Scooter on his own and that will hardly work…"

"Yeah. And it'll be hilarious…!"

"I think… I think this should be genuine for once. After all, if Scooter does things that Barney likes, then Barney won't be doing any of his hocus pocus and magic mirrors and all that. He'll be feeling genuine feelings for someone for once. And god knows, Scooter's an emotional guy."

"Ted, what the hell are you trying to do- turning Barney on to guys?" Robin frowned in skepticism. "I mean, you're pretty much doing the impossible here."

"All the more reason to attempt it. Maybe- maybe this is what Barney needs. Maybe all this sleeping around and using women is just a way to cope with the fact that he's struggling with his sexuality."

"You think he's struggling with his sexuality?" Robin asked, brows now raising in her skepticism. "Okay. I will admit, there is something disturbingly wrong with that guy's head, but I sort of know where he's coming from. I mean… he's not ready for commitment. He doesn't want kids. But he likes sex. I mean, what man doesn't?"

"And… that's precisely why you guys dated in the first place," I reminded her. "And… the reason why you broke up, if I do recall. I think it's time that Barney step away from the no strings attached relationship. Even for a little while. Besides, a major change in pace might be good for him."

"With men? I don't know if you've noticed, Ted, but hello, he definitely doesn't swing that way."

"Which is why he took the challenge."

Robin shook her head. "Barney continues to shock, disturb and confuse me. I will never understand that man."

"Nor will we all, Robin. Nor will we all."