Hello everyoooone! Hope you're doing great!
First BIG FAT thanks you to those who followed/favourited the story. I'll never say it enough.
So, since I wasn't today, I decided to update the fic with chapter 3! And I really hope you'll like it, it gave me a hard time (I suck at writing dialogues and well, there's one pretty important here so I hope I didn't screw it).
I don't have a beta so please be kind with me
Same as always, reviews are very welcome,
Good reading
XXX
The Lie:
She went back home early this evening, maybe around 7PM. And yes, it was early for her, more used to spent late nights in her office, or his, eating shitty Thai food and drinking Scotch. Working late doesn't bother them, as long as they're doing it together, simply appreciating each other's company. A taste of their old habits, back when she was – just - his secretary.
But tonight, wasn't going to be one of those nights. Harvey has been a ghost all day. Last time she saw him, it was next to the elevator, then he went with Gretchen, and then he was nowhere to be found. She called him during the day, they were supposed to meet with a client during lunch time. He didn't show up. Nor did the client, who cancelled last minute, maybe for the best, not sure how she would have managed to entertain the conversation when the only thing she was able to think about was Where is he? Please tell me he's alright. When she went back to the firm, she hopped – even if she knew she wouldn't – finding him there, sitting on his chair, elbows on his desk and head in his hands, a concentrate look on his face running through a case. But no, the desk was empty. And it was not a habit of him. She knew too well. She knows him too well. Something was going on with him, and she didn't like it. She didn't like it one bit. And god only knows she will find out what.
She opened the door and made her way through the living room. As she put her purse and coat on a pile of boxes, she heard a ringtone. Finally. She struggled finding her phone in her bag to eventually taking it out of her jacket. She didn't check who was calling her - she surely didn't care – it had to be him. It could only be him. She picked up, bringing her phone to her ear and started: "You better have a goddamn good explanation to give me Spec- "
"Miss Paulsen?". She heard a voice calling for her name. A lady's voice.
"Who's asking her?" Donna responded, her tone mixing with incomprehension, anger and anxiety. Incomprehension because who is this woman? Anger because why isn't Harvey over the phone? Anxiety because Is she calling to tell me Harvey got into an accident?
"This is the Seaside Health and Wellness Group, sorry to bother you so late in the evening, but Miss Paulsen said it was ok if we called her as soon as we have her test results back. May I speak to her please?"
That's something she totally forgot about. Okay maybe not totally. But she definitely didn't expect a call from them now.
A few weeks ago, she made an appointment in an older women fertility specialized centre. Just to check. To be sure. She was going to turn 40 soon, and she knew how hard it can be for a woman to get pregnant. And she wanted to be a mother. God, she wanted it more than anything in the world. And now that she found the right partner – well she found him 13 years ago but who's counting? – time had come. Even though Harvey and her didn't properly discuss it yet, she thought getting a little ahead of the curve wouldn't do any wrongs. She met with Doctor Reilly, a 50-year-old woman, very elegant and chic if you asked her. They discussed for almost one hour, going through Donna's medical past, Harvey's too. Then came more personal questions.
"Have you ever been pregnant?". Donna lowered her head, fiddling with her fingers.
"No, no I haven't". the response was immediate, short and you could hear a little shame in it. As if Donna missed to do her woman's duty when she was fully able to.
"It's okay Donna" the doctor nodded back, a smile saying there's no shame to have, and truth is there's not. Donna smiled back, feeling understood more than she could explain by the woman sitting before her, an intimate feeling of trust and comprehension invading the room.
"Does Harvey have any children?". A fair but strange question nonetheless. One she has never asked herself before. She had no reason to.
"Hum... no, not that we're aware of anyway" she joked.
"Right then. I'm gonna schedule a series of diverse test to see how regular your menstruations and ovulations are, and we'll look at the quality of your eggs too. If they come back clean considering your age and a hole package of factors, we will check Harvey as well, as so we will take only a minimum risk of failure. On the other hand, if you're results aren't as high as we hopped, we'll start with a real big treatment."
Donna nodded and laughed internally when she thought of Harvey having his swimmers checked, and thinking about tomatoes – or is it strawberries and whipped cream?
She did all of the test without telling Harvey. First, she wanted to know where to stand. She answered the lady, a little bit embarrassed "Oh yes, yes, you're speaking to her. I'm sorry for the yelling I thought you were… someone else." She chuckled
"No need to apologize madam, I will put you on the line with . Have a good evening"
"Yes, thank you, good evening to you too". She waited less than 30 seconds before she listened to the gentle but concerned voice of the doctor.
"Donna, nice to have you again" she greated
"Good evening doctor. I heard you have some news for me?". A pause. No immediate answer. Donna knew the woman is taking her time, thinking of the rights words. This pause couldn't be as synonym 'good news'.
The doctor took a deep breath. "I have… and Donna I'm sorry but they're not good". Donna felt the sadness in her voice, her keens starting to shake as she already saw her worst nightmare becoming reality.
"Not good…" she repeated, "Not good how?"
"Not good as they're bad… we think you might have what is known as the pre-menopausal syndrome. I would like to make an appointment with you first thing tomorrow to fully explain to you and run some other tests to make sure we're not mistaken, if you're okay with it." she calmly confessed.
"Pre-menopausal syndrome? But I'm not supposed to be menopaused for another 10 years, I don't understand… does it mean I can't have children,"
"I know this is confusing at first, but Donna please keep in mind this is a first result. Don't jump into conclusions to fast. Others tests are needed to disprove or confirm those results. We have to be a 100% sure before we start something. Do you understand?"
She said yes, but truth is she didn't have a clue to what she just agreed with. Her mind took her far away in the darkness of her fears. Those long pushed back terrors of never being called 'Mommy'. The ones making you sweat at night, tearing your guts out of your stomach. The ones haunting you days, keeping you up at night. The ones you try to forget because you don't want them to exist, the ones you could die of - and for. Those angsts of wanting something so much it could actually destroy every piece of your being, body and soul. Donna didn't think of them in a very long time. She thought they didn't exist anymore. Not until a year ago. Not until they took the plunge. When she finally allowed herself to fantasize about her future with him – not that she didn't before – but this time was different. She thought of a house, a garden, a dog. And kids. Two. A girl and a boy. She already had their names. And as she saw them sitting in the kitchen, eating the breakfast their father just cooked for them, she saw, longing under the table, the shadow she was so sure she got rid of. And before she could move, the shadow took them from her, grabbing their arms and carrying as far away from her as they could possibly be. She couldn't bear it. She felt herself dying from it.
She didn't remember herself hanging up, nor pouring herself -she lost count after the fourth- glasses of red wine
All she remembered was what came after the -potential- sixth glass.
XXXXXXXXXX
It was late, and Harvey finally got home. When he entered the house, it was with 3 drinks in the belly and a news he didn't want to give her. God, he didin't want to. He should wait for Samantha. To be sure. Really sure. But he was sure. And he didn't want to lie to her. They had a deal. They could have secrets, but no lies. And to others, Charlie's existence may be seen as a secret. But for him, it was a lie. The biggest lie there was. A lie to their engagement, to their commitment. Their relationship. It would be lying to their blind faith in each other. It would be lying to the love he had for her. Not telling her would means smiling at her, kissing her, waking up next to her, making love to her with a bitter taste in the mouth. A taste that would spread his poison in every moment they ever had. Not because they didn't happen, but because during their years together, when they thought they belonged to only one another, there was a small part of him that grew outside of their 'one'. He didn't plan it, he didn't even know about it, but not telling her there was a missing piece in puzzle, one that made him not completely hers, and he wanted to be hers and only hers more than he could ever tell, would destroy him slow burn. The lie resided here, Donna believing they were one, when in reality Harvey knew he was more than just a half.
So, when he walked into their living room, determined to tell her, it was only to find her sitting on the floor, a bottle of wine almost empty and with the glass in her hand, he didn't think to ask what was going on with her. He didn't notice her red eyes, result of hours of crying over the loss of their potential babies. He didn't notice she was still wearing her work dress. He didn't notice her messy hair, usually shaped into a bun. He didn't notice she didn't great him with a kiss nor a word. He didn't notice she didn't notice him.
He just wanted to get it off his chest so they could work it out.
He commenced, his hands shaking in his pockets. "Donna, I … uh… I have something to tell you…". he stopped, finally expecting something from her. But she didn't move, so he continued thinking she was waiting for the rest. "This morning, you remember there was a lady who wanted to speak with me…" his voice slowly began to shake. "Well the lady turned out to be Sybil Payne, I'm sure you remember her, she worked at the firm for a while…"
Donna finally turned her head, as if the name as in any kind picked her attention, but her look was still on the floor. He went on "Well, if she wanted to see me, it's because she had some… news for me" he paused, choosing his words wisely. He pictured this scene in his head a thousand time over, the next one seeming worst than the one before. He tried to prepare this moment, he tried to figure the best way he could announce her of his very sudden paternity. But he didn't. Is there really a good way to tell your fiancé you are the father of some little girl with one of her long lost 'friend'? He doubted there was. So, he lingered, telling himself it was better out than in anyway. "The… the thing she wanted to say to me is that… I… I mean we… oh god, um… she has a daughter."
That bitch. Goof for her. For all I care.
"And I'm the father Don."
At his words, Donna's heart stopped.
First sledgehammer
Finally, out of her trans, she looked up at him, hoping for any sorts of a joke. But he wasn't joking. Not a single muscle on his face were messing with her. He was telling the truth.
"I'm sorry, what?!" she stands up, quickly, too quickly considering her very tipsy state. Harvey perceives the blindness in her mind, and some anger too.
"It's true Donna.". he couldn't look at her, it was too hard, way harder than he ever imagined.
"Wait wait wait wait wait," she turned her back on him, her head in her hands, breathing loudly as she tried to process what he just said to her. She turned and faced him again. "are you saying… that… that you actually have a … child?". She asked wishing she misheard due to too much wine. Praying to be wrong, as the words she just spoke didn't make any sense.
"Yes, Donna. That's exactly what I'm saying" he nodded, standing still, lost and not knowing what to do or what to say to make the situation less awkward for both of them.
"But, how… I mean it doesn't make any sense… I don't… I don't understand Harvey". A confused gaze on her face, she glanced at him and only notices now how scared he was.
"She, um, she wrote me a letter explaining everything, along with a picture. I know it's sound crazy Donna, but-"
"Where is the letter then?" she required, wanting to read that piece of paper by herself, with her own eyes.
"I gave it to Samantha, I asked her to find them" he answered.
Second sledgehammer
"What? Samantha knows about this?". She had every reason to be surprised, why would Samantha know about it before her?
"She does, I told her this afternoon". Harvey now only being an answering machine.
"This afternoon…." She whispered. And then she remembered. "Is that what you were doing all day? Discussing this new paternity with Samantha?" she knew her question was accusing and unfair. But she couldn't help it.
"Donna no please" he begged, "Look I'm sorry for today I just needed some time off, you know, to process all of it. Don't blame her I asked her not to tell anything I wanted to be the one you're learning this from" he tried, but ultimately failed.
Donna felt tears running down her cheeks. She didn't really know why. Was it from rage, or sadness, perhaps deception? Most likely exhaustion.
"Well Harvey you know you sound insane right?"
"Insane?" this time, he was the one being surprised. "how am I being insane?"
"Aren't you hearing yourself? Some woman you never slept with leaves you a letter saying you are her father's child! Harvey please you're cleverer than that, you know she is doing it for the money! How old is that girl anyway?". Donna's anger starting to take over her body. To be fair, she had quite a keen souvenir of the girl.
She was a pretty girl. She looked like Rachel, but a blond Rachel. She was maybe 6 or 7 years younger than them. A quiet, discreet lady, doing a good secretary job. But what she mostly remembered from her, was how deeply and madly she loved. The kind of one way love you can't get over with. The kind of love you never forget, no matter the time apart, no matter the years. You can't get rid of it. - Donna was sure they inspired the Iris/Graham dynamic in the movie The Holiday - She was even quite bitter, when Sybil went to speak to him, or to ask him something. Harvey was no fool, and was well aware of her feelings for him, he simply didn't care. For everyone, it was because he was the perfect bachelor. But the truth was elsewhere. His heart was already belonging to Donna. It came as a surprise for everyone when short after the 2008 New Year's Eve party the firm gave, she quitted without a word. No one ever knew what happened to her.
"Charlie is 6. And Donna please I know this is hard to process but you have to believe me…". He didn't finish his sentence, Donna cutting him off. "Believe you or believe her? Because if my maths is right, you knocked her in the early 2008, only at this time she worked at the firm for a week and I know you didn't see her after that, so when did you sleep with her?" her tone insinuating she already has her answer.
He didn't deny it. "That night".
Third sledgehammer
Donna lowered her head, still crying, but this time she knew it was from anger. "So, let me get this straight Specter. You fuck a woman that night.". He could hear the pain in her voice as she pronounced the words. "You managed to lay yourself with her of all the woman you could have bring into your bed. You forgot a condom, surely because you were in such a hurry. She gets pregnant, has your child, keeps the secret from you for 6 years, tell you everything in a letter, and the first person you go to is Samantha, not even me? Please tell me if I forgot something because this is a hole package of info, I'm not sure how to properly keep up!" she shouted.
"I'm so sorry Donna… I know I hurt you and please trust me when I say it's the last thing I wanted to do. If I could go back and erase- "he couldn't finish his sentence. Because of what it would mean. It would mean erasing Charlie. He never met her, but he would already battle fate for her. He did regret the night; he didn't regret the consequence of it.
"Cut the bullshit would you, if you wouldn't want to hurt me, you would have kissed me that night" she accused him, taking a step closer to him, her finger pointing his chest.
"I got scared Donna, I freaked out!" he defended himself. A step closer.
"And you slept with another woman! Were you scared then when your cock was inside her?". And closer.
"Careful Donna" he warns. Now their foreheads were almost touching.
"Or what? You're gonna leave me and fuck her again? Maybe it's time to have a second child don't you think? Go on then, go live the life I can't offer you".
As the words fell of her mouth, she took a step back, getting him out of her sight as she burst into tears. Harvey totally armless before her, wondering what has got into her like this. He never saw her like that before. At all. This was not the Donna he knew and loved.
Taking her words to the letter, he grabbed his coat and keys making his way out, leaving her to her alcohol, anger, and despair. She was heartbroken. Telling her was maybe not a good idea after all…
He felt tears on his cheeks too. One more step, and a hand on the handle was all it took to leave her with her sorrow…
Please don't hate me too much
Don't forget to review please.
Fran.
