"Either or"
Summary: A conversation between Benkei and Kaen (OC) lead to a slight examination on his character.
The first strange sign was Benkei returning without his cloak, and even though he still gave Nozomi a very friendly smile, she could tell that he was rather eager to get away.
"Is someone ill?" Nozomi asked, pointing to the bundle he carried in his hand as she could see some herbs.
"Yes, so that is why I have to go now." Benkei muttered.
"I'll go with you then." Nozomi offered.
"This is not a good idea because it is better for you to not know this person." Benkei said. "Kurou won't be very happy if he find out."
"I won't tell anyone, I promise." Nozomi said. "Besides, haven't I managed to look after Atsumori-kun quite well?"
He spent quite some time thinking before he relented with a nod, adding: "Only if you promise me that you will remain quiet about this. This is because the person I am helping was a maid in the Heiki family- whom I used to know. She is escaping from the Heiki family so she is actually in danger from both families."
"Like Atsumori-kun."
"Yes, but it is not the same situation. But this is why I don't…I can't let anyone know about her."
They went to a small village and once there, Benkei first slipped some coins into the village leader's hands, insisting that he take it due to the aid he has given him.
"But this is nothing compared to all that you have done for us." The man said as he pocketed the coins very reluctantly. "Then please accept these foods from us as I am sure that she would be hungry too."
Benkei explained to Nozomi that he has gave the village some brief help, but the village leader immediately said that he was much too modest as he had been responsible for so much more.
"To think that I am receiving money from you who has saved and helped so much of us."
Benkei's reaction was quite strange- his expression quickly turned to that of guilt.
"But let us go now." in a brief moment his normal smile was back
He stopped when he reached a small cottage, and as he raised the curtain that served as the door, he called out: "Kaen, are you awake? Can I come in?"
"It is not as if you will be seeing anything that you haven't seen before, so why do you bother?" was the cynical reply.
The interior of the room only had single mattress and a blanket. Right now, it also served as a chair as the young woman was kneeling on it. She had Benkei's cloak around her as the only other cloth she had on was a thin white kimono that was probably an undergarment. Her hair was also loose and knotted.
"Who is that?" She immediately demanded.
"Kurou's acquaintance." Benkei told her as he sat down in front of her and placed the bundle in between them. "Nozomi-san, can you get some water for me? I need to mix some herbs."
"Why did you bring her here?" Kaen asked as soon as Nozomi left.
"Because it will be useful." Benkei answered simply. He unknotted the bundle and draped a plain kimono on her before he took out a comb and began to comb her hair for her, after he stood up to kneel down behind her.
"I got quite a lot of stuff from your kimono, although I could have got more if I didn't have to exchange it that way." (1)
"My family remained generous to me despite what happened." She said bitterly.
"And what did happen? We have a few more minutes."
"My brother was trying to kill me." her sudden shudder almost caused him to loosen his hold on her hair. "He said that it will be better for me to become an onryuu like him since I can never marry now that I have become soiled good…ow! (2)
"Don't do that!" she said angrily as she turned around. "And don't do this either!" (3)
"Why? How did they know?" he demanded.
"Because I don't want to get married to anyone else." She said bluntly. "So the best way was to tell them the truth: that I had a lover."
"Kaen…"
"I know." She interrupted. "I know why you made that decision."
The curtain was raised very briefly before it was quickly dropped.
"She is back." Benkei remarked out in a very soft whisper to Kaen. "But I think she won't come in until we have finished."
"Then we will finish it." Kaen said firmly. "Alright, what do you plan to do?"
"The answer is the same as what I gave you three years ago. I cannot be with you right now because I must solve this mess. It is what I am obliged to do."
Without saying anything, she embraced him very tightly. The absent physical contact actually made him halt for a moment, before he dropped the comb in order for him to hold a more precious object.
"Kaen…I do miss you so much." He whispered. "I really love you. When everything is over…I will never leave you. I will fulfil the promises that I made three years ago."
She replied by shaking her head and he knew that it was not a denial, but a bitterness at whether it was possible for this whole mess to be over before their death.
"I know it is going to be over soon." He said firmly. "I don't know how, but I do know it will soon be over. Please, just hold on for a bit longer."
"I do not wish it to be over with your death." She finally said bluntly. "Because you are the type of man who would sacrifice yourself. I've been paranoid for these three whole years as I keep wondering whether today will be the day that you do something noble but foolish. Benkei, I do not wish to say good bye again."
"I know, but I have to end this mess. If it is possible then…"
Uttering a cry of great frustration, Kaen pushed him away.
"Benkei, why do you insist on making things worse for yourself?" she said angrily. "Why can't you just make up your mind? If you really believe that what you did three years ago and whatever you choose to do now is the best possible choice, then stop feeling guilty about the consequences. But if you will have a guilt that you can't live with, then don't make that choice." (4)
"You said that to me when you first gave me your body." He said sadly. "But Kaen, what make you think that it would be followed this time?" (5)
She had told him that making love with him would result in her being condemned if this was discovered, but yet told him that if he really wanted her then he should do so and not feel any guilt as this was what she desired. But if he would be tormented by guilt, then he should refuse.
"That is why I say that you are an idiot!" Kaen said in frustration.
The atmosphere between Benkei and Kaen made Nozomi feel rather awkward so she was quite relieved when they finally left.
"Benkei…goodbye." Kane whispered. "Don't make me say goodbye again. I don't want to say that word to you again."
"This will be the last time." he assured her grimly.
"Benkei-san, why did you take me here?" Nozomi asked when the village was finally out of sight.
"Because I want her to be looked after if I can no longer do so." Benkei said honestly. "Tell Hinoe that she would have been my bride if whatever happens did not happen."
(1) He meant that he exchanged it in some black market.
(2) This seems to imply that Koremori is actually her brother, since he is the one who have this whole idea of destruction is beautiful and being an onryuu is good, although I think it is still a bit vague.
(3) She is referring to his reaction in regard to how she can't marry due to having had a lover. As she is reminding him that this was a conscious choice made by both of them.
(4) For me, I feel that this is a major part of his character. I feel that the army incident in chapter three show this very well. He clearly felt bad for having to make that decision- abandoning the people at the rear- letting them die, but yet he knows that it is the only possible decision. What Kaen is trying to say is that if he is going to feel bad and be tormented, then don't make that decision. But if he knows that this is the best decision, then he should not feel guilty.
(5) His words imply that it failed last time too.
Author's Note: Right now I've written three Haruka fan fictions and they are all very different. The first one is an interior monologue by Benkei so that it is a different style of writing then what I usually do. The second one is interesting because I really want to use that idea- that image of a groom being a widow on his wedding day. This one is really more of a conversation but I like it because I feel that it really shows Benkei's character.
Although I almost wonder whether I am jinxed. This story is meant to end happily. It is actually meant to end with Benkei going to find Kaen and end happily every after- that the two of them will spend the rest of their life together. But my story end up stopping before this.
